Craziness, Candy, Jedi Knights, and WHAT!
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: Wolf brings all of the Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, TMNT, and Harry Potter characters to Earth. Prepare for chaos and randomness! Obi-Wan's a fan fiction author? Yoda's a rock star? Hermione hates America? Not to mention few are sane.
1. WHERE ARE THE FRAPPUCCINOS!

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Author's Note:

Wolf: hey this is my first fic, so please don't murder me. Reviews are great, and I will throw Palpatine into all flames.

**Palpatine: Hey!**

**Luke, Anakin, and Obi-wan: (Ignite lightsabers.)**

**Palpatine: (Runs and hides inside a girls' restroom.) Good luck getting me now!**

**Leia: (walks inside restroom with Anakin's lightsaber)**

**Wolf: Ha ha ha! Oh yeah, I don't own Star Wars, Starbucks, or Frosted Flakes(do I really need to say these things if I only mention them?) **

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**Chapter 1: The Case for Coffee**

"Where is it?" an angry voice echoed throughout the halls of the building. Han Solo stormed through the corridor, searching for the culprit a certain horrifying crime. Finally, Han found the quarters of his enemy. Sure, Han had kept cool before, but now he had gone _too _far.

Han kicked down the door of the room, and found Darth Vader staring right at him. Normally, Han would keep his distance. However, Dear Old Darthy had recently stooped to an all time low. He pulled out his blaster. "All right, your Lordliness, where are they?"

The Dark Lord of the Krething Sith remained in his impassive state. "Where are what?"

Han was now practically growling. "Where are my frappuchinos?"

When the Rebellion and Empire had arrived at this planet called Earth, one of the first places Leia had taken him was called Starbucks. There she had bought Han a fancy contraption called a frappuchino. At first Han had doubted a non-alcoholic drink could be good, but one sip of the frappuchino had Han hooked. He had bought two dozen bottles of each flavor, and had hid them away. Now they had vanished, and all signs pointed to Vader. Han was out for blood.

By now a large crowd had gathered around the two, and it was the strangest group anyone would ever see. Rebels, Imperials, and other people Han had never met were all crowded in one room "What the heck is going on?" he shouted, clearly confused.

Luke stepped forward. "Didn't Wolf tell you?"

"Who's Wolf?"

A Loud *pop* sounded right by Han's side. Now standing next to Han was a dirty blonde teenage girl. "I'm Wolf!" she announced.

Startled, Han attempted to jump into the arms of the nearest person. That person just happened to be Boba Fett, who threw Han into the nearest wall. Both of them pulled out blasters. The room was filled with noisy yelling.

"Hey…hello, can anyone hear me?" Wolf held up a wooden stick. Sparks shot out of it, and a loud *boom* silenced everyone.

"Guns down before I hex you!" Wolf threatened. Wolf liked her new wand. She had found it in her box of Frosted Flakes. What everyone didn't know was that Wolf was still an amateur with it, and didn't know how to use it well. Hopefully they would never find out.

_ This is where the fun begins… _

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**Author's Note:**

**Wolf: Well, what did everyone think?**

**Jayfeather: You seem like a psychopath to me.**

**Vader: Hey, this isn't your story.**

**Jayfeather: So what? I'm in it later anyways.**

**Vader: ……**

**Wolf: Uhh please review, and the chapters get longer. Most of the good jokes are in all of my other chapters anyways.**


	2. Introducing Lunatics

**Author's Note:**

**Wolf: Hey it's me again. Expect some Palpy torture in this chapter.**

**Palpy: Don't call me Palpy! Why is it always me?**

**Wolf: Because I don't like you! Anyways I don't own Star Wars. Count Chocula, or the Cubs. I also don't own Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, for which this is loosely based upon.**

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**Chapter 2: Introductions**

Wolf clapped her hands together. "Okay, I think introductions are in order! For starters, I'm Wolf, the authoress…" she announced, as her eyes filled with fake tears. Her voice became sad, "and I'm an alcoholic!" She laughed. "No, just kidding." Wolf yawned. "Sorry if I fall asleep on my feet. My parents banned me from all sugar and caffeine after an incident involving cabbage, duct tape, and a rabid raccoon. You're probably wondering why you're all here. This place," Wolf gestured all around her, "is called Wolf's Home for Fictional Characters. Sadly, none of you are real."

Cries of shock and outrage rang throughout the room, but Wolf silenced them all immediately. "That's why I built this place! You now can all be considered real, and since I'm a huge Star Wars fan, which is what you're from, I brought you all here before the others! There are a few from other fictional universes, but just my favorites.

"Anyways, who wants to introduce themselves first?" No one volunteered, and instead stared blankly at Wolf for five minutes. Frustrated, Wolf gestured to her left. "Okay, Luke we'll start with you and go clockwise."

Warily, Luke stood up for his chair he had found. Why did things like this always have to happen to him? And why did his father always have to be there when they did? He cleared his throat. " Umm, hi, I'm Luke Skywalker. Jedi Knight, rebel, and destroyer of the Death Star." He sat back down again.

_Luke,_ that danged voice murmured to him.

_Get out of my head, Father!_

_So, _Vader sounded triumphant, _you have accepted the truth!_

_I have accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker._

Across the room, Vader hissed. _Screw you, Son! That name means nothing to me!_

_Whatever…Anakin! Anakin! Anakin!_

While father and son continued their mental duel, Leia began her intro. "Hello, I am Leia Organa, former Senator and Princess of Alderaan." At this, she glared menacingly at Vader. Still in his argument with Luke, Vader didn't notice.

_You know, Luke, you really should consider the Dark Side._

_Why? _Luke countered. _So I can go around and strangle every Imperial officer who gives me bad news? 'Lord Vader, the Millenium Falcon has escaped.' Bang! He's dead! 'Lord Vader, the Death Star has been destroyed.' Bang! He's dead! 'Lord Vader, I'm afraid those pictures of you dressed like a hooker are on the Holonet.' Bang! He's dead!_

_I have never dressed like a hooker!_

Han, gun still pointed at Fett, began to speak. "Han Solo, Captain of the Millenium Falcon and the only actor whose career wasn't destroyed by the original trilogy."**[1]**

Reluctantly, the Fett-man muttered a few words. "Boba Fett, bounty hunter." Stang, he hated speaking! After all, it wasn't what you said, but how freaking awesome you look not saying anything at all.

A shriveled green dwarf hobbled forward to speak. "Yoda, I am. Unusual, our situation is. Hungry, I am. Have candy, do you?"

Wolf sighed. "Please don't taunt me like that."

"EEK!" Lando screamed, "It's a troll!"

"Troll, I am not!" He ran at Lando and hit him in the ankles with his gimer stick.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Yoda rolled his eyes. "Pathetic, you are! How has one become so wussy?"

"I'm not a wuss! Lando Calrissian is not a wuss!"

Everyone rolled their eyes, for it was obvious that Lando was indeed a wuss. Meanwhile, Luke and Vader were still going at it.

_Son, join the Dark Side! It's really cool! _Vader commanded.

_You haven't given me a good reason!_

_You get to wear black! And you get a cape! We have cookies!_

_Ooh, you're very original!_

_How about brownies?_

_Not good enough!_

_A pony?_

_Do I really look like a five-year-old girl to you?_

_Do you want an honest answer?_

_SON OF A-_

_I wouldn't call me that, Son. You'll be insulting both your father AND your grandmother._

It was now 3PO's turn. " I am C-3PO, human cyborg-" A series of beeps cut him off.

Yeah, yeah. We get it. Shut your trap.

"How rude! This is R2-D2. He can be quite insufferable sometimes."

Palpatine's hideous, wrinkly, disgusting face scanned the room. The Wolf girl was so strong with the Force! " Come to the Dark Side, Wolf!" he demanded.

Wolf glared at him. "Screw off, you perverted old freak!"

" How DARE you!" he shrieked. He shot a burst of well-aimed Force lightning at Wolf.

Something very odd happened. Just as the lightning hit Wolf, Palpatine vanished into a huge pool of water that Wolf had made appear. In it were what seemed to be sharks…with laser beams attached to their heads.

Everyone pulled up chairs to watch Palpy suffer…except for Luke and Vader, of course.

_Father, why don't you just turn back to the Light Side?_

_Yeah right, Son! That'll happen as soon as the Cubs win the World Series!_

_What are the Cubs?_

_I believe they are a sports team of some sort._

Several minutes later, Wolf removed Palpatine from the pool and revived him. The pool immediately disappeared. Mace Windu was giving Wolf an admiring look. _She's so lucky, _he thought, _I've always wanted to do that!_ All of a sudden he realized it was his turn to speak. " Master Mace Windu."

"Oh wow," Solo retorted, "someone's full of themselves." Mace turned on Solo.

"Excuse me?" There was a threatening tone in his already intimidating voice.

Solo laughed. "Come on! 'Master?" Master of what? And your outfit! Are you a monk, or is that just a bath robe? I-" Wolf brandished her wand, and Solo shut up.

Obi-wan was happier than he had ever been. He was no longer dead, and he was young, too! Now, if only Anakin would magically reappear from Vader, and Padme was still alive, then everything would be perfect…

Yeah right. "Obi-wan Kenobi, Jedi Master." Darth Maul was giving him a malevolent glare. Vader was gazing at Luke, completely unaware of Obi-wan.

_Luke, this conversation isn't going anywhere._

_No dip, Sherlock!_

_Don't use the tone with me!_ _And who is Sherlock?_

And so, their sparring began once again.

"I," began a man with long, grayish-brown hair and a beard, "am Qui-gon Jinn, the rebellious Jedi Master."

"Wait a minute," interjected Leia, "aren't most of you dead?"

"I brought them back to life," Wolf answered. She gazed sadly at Anakin/Vader. "Unfortunately, I can't bring back Force-sensitives. That includes Padme. You understand, right, Anakin?" Anakin/Vader didn't respond. "Anakin…ANAKIN!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," he murmured absently, completely unaware of what Wolf had just said. Immediately he went back into his private conversation, while a shocked crowd of people, aliens, and droids looked at him.

"Hold the comlink!" an astonished young Togruta said. "THAT'S Anakin Skywalker?! I'm Ahsoka Tano, by the way."

"Uhh…yeah," Wolf replied, "isn't it sad? He used to be amazingly hot, too!"

"OMF, that means he's Luke's father!" said Leia.

"And," Wolf added cheerfully, "Luke's your brother!"

"……NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I made out with my brother!" Leia fainted from the horror, right into an unsuspecting Count Dooku's arms. Enraged by this, Chewbacca attacked Dooku, growling about sexual assault (though only Han, Threepio, Artoo, and Wolf caught that part.) Chewie brutally ripped Dooku's arms out of their sockets.

"The Wookie is Chewbacca," Han explained.

"And-I'm-Count-Dooku," Tyranus/ Dooku/ Count Chocula spoke up in a rather pained voice. Now the only person left was Darth Maul. True to his silent nature, he only said, "Maul." Qui-gon glowered at him.

"YOU! YOU KILLED ME!" Without another word, the pair engaged in a vicious duel to the death.

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**Author's Note:**

**Wolf: That was a lot longer than the first chapter. Five pages!**

**Jayfeather: When do I finally appear?**

**Wolf: Chapter four.**

**Jayfeather: YAY!**

**Ashfur: Do I ever make an appearance?**

**Hollyleaf: (attacks Ashfur from behind.)**

**Ashfur's Ghost: Aww, dang.**

**Luke: What's up with all of these cats?**

**Wolf: Uhh, please review, or else…uhh, something bad will happen. Don't ask me what, I need some time to come up with an idea.**

**[1] Anyone who guesses where most of this is from gets a virtual plushie collection of Vader, Anain, Luke, Jayfeather, and Optimus Prime! Why Optimus Prime? I don't know. Just because he's cool, I guess.**


	3. Guitar Heroes and Epic Fails

**Author's Note:**

**Wolf: Hey everybody, here's chapter 3, the next one is the Halloween chapter, and I need some time to work on that.**

**Jayfeather: It's great! Everyone except Luke, Vader, and Wolf-**

**Wolf: (Throws Jayfeather into the shark pool.)**

**Jayfeather: (comes out drenched and partially mauled.) What was that for?**

**Wolf: For almost giving away the story! Oh yeah, I don't own Star Wars, any of the food mentioned in this chapter, or a Guitar Hero. I also don't really own a tranquilizer gun, unfortunately.**

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**Chapter 3: Guitar Heroes and Epic Fails**

"Okay then…" Wolf said, "before you all leave, there are a few ground rules I have to lay down. First, and most importantly, NEVER steal any of my decaf coffee or diet pop. If you do, there will be humiliating and/ or painful consequences."

Darth Hideous winced, remembering the sharks and laser beams.

"Second of all," she continued, "if you throw up, clean up the vomit yourself! Finally, try not to die. Now that I'm finished, you're all free to try and kill each other." With a faint *pop*, Wolf disappeared.

Qui-gon sighed as he walked out of the packed room. He had to find that Wolf! She was an enigma, and he wanted to know just what would happen to him and everyone else if they ticked her off…and just how humiliating and painful it would be. Before what happened to Palpatine, he hadn't thought Wolf was scary, and although Palpatine's punishment was definitely painful…what did she mean by humiliating? And did he really want to know?

He halted beside an unusually shaped door. Was that music he was hearing? Cautiously, he opened the door. In the room, Wolf was holding an odd looking lump of plastic. On a screen, green, red, yellow, blue, and orange dots were flying by, most of them disappearing into flames. Wolf was rapidly tapping buttons on the piece of plastic.

What are you doing?" he asked her. Oh, Sith, if she messed up, would she blame him? And if she did blame him, how would she wreak her havoc?

Wolf simply pressed a button, and the word PAUSED appeared on the screen. She grinned. "Hey, Qui-gon. What's up?" Qui-gon sighed in relief. Okay, so she wasn't going to kill him…or do something totally embarrassing. Good thing too. He had been about to Sith his pants in fright. That was a relief. "What are you doing?" he repeated.

"I'm playing Guitar Hero. You strum and hit the colored buttons based on how they appear on screen. You wanna play?"

* * *

Luke and Vader's conversation didn't seem to be going anywhere.

_Father?_ Luke asked.

_Yes, Son?_

_What are we even talking about?_

_I don't even know anymore. Let's see…Banthas…blue milk…pudding…_

Luke roared with laughter. _Hahaha! You said pudding!_

_It's not that funny…of course, we were having an argument about the Light and Dark Sides!_

_Oh, duh! Well I'm not turning!_

_You will, Son. You will…MWUAHAHAHAHA!_

Terrified, Luke fled the room. He didn't slow his pace until he found an oddly shaped door. He could hear…music? And cheering? He opened the door…and was amazed by the scene playing out in front of him.

Wolf, Qui-gon, Palpy, Lando, Dooku, Chewie, and Ahsoka were all grouped around a screen, with Qui-gon, Chewie, and Palpy all holding strange plastic instruments. Qui-gon was banging his head, hair flying wildly. On the screen, colored dots flashed by, with some disappearing in flames. On one track, though, no dots were ever hit. Luke approached Ahsoka. "What's all of this?"

"We're playing Guitar Hero! It's great. I beat the Sith out of Count Dooku when I played."

The song finally ended. "Yes!" screamed Qui-gon, "I got a ninety-two percent!"

Everyone else was laughing and making fun of Palpatine. "How the heck do you get a zero percent?! You were on easy!" By this time Wolf was rooling on the floor, screaming "LOL!"

"Oh my Force!" Ahsoka busted up with laughter, "That is hilarious!" Luke was gazing at the teenage Jedi apprentice in shock. The Jedi were permitted to laugh at people? That was great! Since he only had met Obi-wan and Yoda before, he had thought them all to be somewhat old and boring. This meant that he could have practical jokes!

Their fun was about to be cut short.

Without warning, the doors burst open. A tall, frog-like alien tripped into the room. He was one of Star Wars' most evil villains…Jar Jar Binks. "Meesa so sorry meesa late! Can meesa play too?"

"NO!" screamed eight terrified voices at once. Luke was so afraid that he thought he was going to Sith his pants. Who was this ugly and creepy character that was clearly in movies strictly to make them more kid-friendly? Luke prayed for help. Little did he know that their savior was just outside.

The doors again flew open. Black cape billowing behind him, in either an awesome or geeky glory (it all depended on your point of view), Darth Vader strode in. Jar Jar turned around and gasped. "Ani? Little Ani Bo Bani? Meesa so happy to see you!"

Vader groaned and slapped the forehead part of his mask. "Jar Jar, I don't have time for this."

"Whatsa goin' on with you, Ani? Ooh, shiny!" Jar Jar reached for Vader's helmet as everyone laughed at the Gungan calling the evil Darth Vader 'little Ani Bo Bani.' Vader reached for his light saber.

_Zip!_ Seven little darts hit Jar Jar in the neck, and he flopped to the ground. About twenty feet away stood Wolf, holding a tranquilizer gun. She walked over to them, hoisted Jar Jar over her shoulder, and walked out of the room, grinning ear to ear.

After all, Jar Jar was _way _too good as a torture device to be thrown away.

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A lone figure stood in the now empty room. On a screen were the words, 'Guitar Hero: Press start.' Yoda picked up a plastic guitar and a microphone.

"Become a Guitar Hero, I will."

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**Author's Note:**

**Wolf: Yoda and Guitar Hero will come up again in later chapters.**

**Jayfeather: And we find out about the frappuchinos in the next chapter.**

**Han: Finally!**

**Wolf: Anyways, review! They're appreciated, and all flames will be used to roast marshmallows or to set Hawkfrost on fire.**

**Hawkfrost: Hey! (Is lit on fire.)**

**Vader: Now you know how I feel.**

**Wolf: Yeah, yeah, yeah….review!**


	4. Halloween: Wolf the Zombie Slayer

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Wolf: Part 1 of the Halloween chapter!

**Jayfeather: I make my appearance finally!**

**Wolf: Ding ding ding we have a winner! I don't own Star Wars, Warriors, Pizza Hut, or Starbucks. I also don't own the songs in this chapter or Samuel L. Jackson. I do own what's left of my sanity, which I keep in a pickle jar safely hidden away.**

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**Chapter 4: Halloween**

Weeks passed by, and soon it was October thirty-first: Halloween. Palpy didn't think the holiday was such a big deal, but Wolf did. So the rotton corpse had devised a plan.

Wolf couldn't have caffeine. If she did, she went insane. She couldn't control herself. So Poopatine had stolen all of Solo's frappuchinos, poured them into Wolf's decaf bottles, and resealed them. Brilliant, right?

NOT!

Luke aimlessly wandered the corridors. Up ahead, he could see Wolf. She had a deck of cards in one hand, and was holding up an eight of spades. Next to her was a light gray tabby cat. "Is this your card?" she asked.

Startling Luke, the cat answered, "I can't tell. I'm blind, genius, remember?"

"Uhh…tah-dah!" she turned and spotted Luke. "Hey! What's up?"

The cat was walking away as Luke replied, "Were you just talking to a cat?"

"Yup! He's Jayfeather, our medicine cat."

"We have a blind talking cat as a doctor?!"

Wolf glared. "Don't insult him! He is awesome! Anyways, you should go to the Halloween party downstairs tonight."

"Are you going?" Luke asked.

Wolf shook her head. "I'm not even bothering this year. If I can't eat candy what's the point?" Wolf waved goodbye and left.

This sucked! No candy OR caffeine! What was next, no oxygen? "Time for some of that decaf in the fridge," she muttered, as she Apparated into her room. She opened the fridge and pulled out three bottles. "Wait a minute, Palpy tampered with these!" she shouted.

However did she know. Apparently Palpy had forgotten that Wolf was the authoress. Therefore, she already knew what was going to happen…right? Or was this just some sort of plot hole? Besides, the story was more interesting if she didn't know what was going to happen….right? Whatever, she was going to drink the dang frappuchinos anyways!

Wolf chugged down the first one. Then the second and the third…

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Obi-wan woke up from his nap. There was a huge disturbance in the Force! Quickly pulling on his boots, Obi-wan raced out of his room and towards the source. Who should he meet along the way other than Qui-gon, Mace, and Ahsoka?

"You felt it too?" Obi-wan asked as they sprinted.

"We all have," Ahsoka replied. They were now outside of Wolf's room, the source of the disturbance. "Here goes nothing," Ahsoka muttered, as Qui-gon kicked down the door.

"I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!" Wolf was singing at the top of her lungs, while jumping up and down in the air. At the sight of the Jedi, she pointed at Mace and screamed, "OH MY FORCE, IT'S SAMUEL. L. JACKSON!!!"

"What the…" everyone was shocked by this. Wolf took this opportunity to narrate.

"Ahsoka, Qui-gon, Mace, and Obi-wan all stared at me , clearly astonished. They appeared to be reaching for their light sabers. However, they hesitated. I took the advantage by grabbing my wand and pointing it at Mace. 'POOPIUS PANTSOLUS!' I shouted.'

"A loud gurgling sound came from Mace. About to have diarrhea, Mace fled the room. Only Qui-gon, Obi-wan, and Ahsoka remained. Ahsoka appeared to be heading for the kitchen, while Obi-wan and Qui-gon approached me with nervous looks. I grinned and began my attack.

"Using martial arts skills I never even learned, I kicked Obi-wan twice, in the stomach and the chest, and karate chopped his head. He fell to the floor with a thud. I elbowed Qui-gon in the gut, who had been about to attack my back.. Obi-wan attempted to et up and recover, and I punched him in the face.

"I twisted around and realized that Palpy had entered the room. Running forward, I immediately kicked him between the legs. This probably wouldn't do anything, seeing how he doesn't have-"

CLANG! Both Wolf's attack and narration ended as Ahsoka smacked her in the head with a frying pan. Pulling Wolf into a chair, Ahsoka puled out a roll of duct tape and began taping Wolf to the chair. Once she was done, she helped Obi-wan and Qui-gon up, laughed at Mace, and kicked Palpy out of the room. Wolf was left alone.

* * *

_Luke…Luke…LUKE!!! _Luke groaned.

_Father, if this is about the Dark Side, I don't want to hear it!_

_Luke, it is the only way. The Emperor will kill you if you refuse._

_Well, you can tell the corpse that I told him to suck it!_

_Son, he'll find you…especially at that party._

Luke screeched in annoyance. Of course! Why did Sith Lords have to be such a-holes?! Now his fun for the night was screwed! Luke went to his room to sulk.

* * *

Downstairs, everyone except Luke, Palps, and Wolf were partying. Some, like Vader, stood stiffly, while others…well…

Mace, dressed as Michael Jackson, and Darth Maul, whose costume resembled the Grim reaper, were having a dance-off, while Yoda was in a corner playing Guitar Hero at expert level. Dooku was eating the metal forks and spoons for some reason, and everyone except Vader was eating. Unknown to them but known to us, the food had been tampered with by Voldermort, who somehow came into this story out of nowhere. Now anyone who ate would turn into a zombie. How refreshing.

Vader sighed. His son wasn't there, and neither was his master. He really shoul have been looking for them. As he looked around, people began to transform; they turned green and bony, and they turned on Vader.

"BRAINS!" everyone shrieked. As they advanced on Vader, Vader spun around and headed for the door. Luke would murder him if he killed-

_Luke!_ Of course! He was in danger! He raced to find Luke…before the zombies did.

* * *

Luke locked down the door of his room and headed down the hall. He had had a good sulk, and now it was time to party!

_Dang it! I forgot! Old and Wrinkly will be there!_ He groaned….and why did he hear howling and wind? He turned a corner and stopped dead.

Mace and everyone else had their backs turned to him, and Mace was wearing very flashy clothing. For some reason everyone was green and bony. Suddenly, music started and Mace fancily twisted around, with everyone doing some peculiar dance. Mace began to sing:

"_It's close to midnight_

_and something evil's lurking in the dark_

_Under the moonlight, _

_you see a sight that almost stops your heart_

_You try to scream_

_but terror takes the sound before you make it_

_You start to freeze_

_as horror looks you right between the eyes_

_You're paralyzed'Cause this is thriller, thriller night_

_And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike_

_You know it's thriller, thriller night_

_You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller to-"_

"Get away from my son, zombie!" Mace had danced closer and closer to Luke throughout the song, and had been about to attack, when Vader appeared. He aimed a Force-shove at the zombies, grabbed Luke's wrist, and ran. They sprinted into the nearest room and locked the door.

"Why didn't you stop them?" Luke asked.

"I don't know how to stop them, and I knew you would forever disown me if I killed your friends."

"Great, that means-" Luke began, but was cut off by a new voice.

"I regained consciousness several hours later. Luke and Anakin were standing a few feet away, chattering away urgently. Dang, I missed the pre-Mustafar Anakin. He wa so hot when Hayden Christensen played him. That'll teach him to get lit on fire by a river of lava!"

"Wolf?" Vader inquired. Finally, someone who could help! "We need to know how to stop zombies!"

Wolf smapped out of her narration. "Just shoot their heads off with a large-"

"We do not want to kill them!" Vader snapped. He then explained the situation to her. When he was finished Wolf had a thoughtful look on her face.

"Uhh, Wolf?" Luke asked.

"Let me guess what you were going to say: Why am I duct taped to a chair? I don't know. Ahsoka knocked me unconscious."

"Say what?! Explain!"

"Well," Wolf began, "I came up here and pulled out three frappuchinos. After drinking them I had these more hyper than normal feelings, like a super sugar high. I was singing at the top of my lungs, and I guess I caused a disturbance in the Force, because Obi-wan, Qui-gon, Ahsoka, and Mace came in. I used some spell I made up on Mace, and he crapped his pants."

At this everyone laughed for five straight minutes. When they were done, Vader continued, "Ahsoka went to the kitchen, while Obi-wan and Qui-gon tried to take me down. Using martial arts skills that I know I never learned, I easily defeated them. Palpy came in too, but I kicked him where the sun doesn't shine, knocking him out. So he's probably not a zombie. After that, Ahsoka knocked me unconscious, and that's the end of the story.

"Hey," said Luke, "I have an idea." he walked over to the fridge and pulled out ten frappuchinos. "Three of these make you hyper, right?"

"Technically," corrected Wolf, "I'm already hyperactive, so they made me super hyper. Why?"

"Well, these things allowed you to defeat three JedI Masters and a Sith Lord. So if you had ten of them…"

Wolf caught his drift. "I'll be like some kamikaze zombie slayer…my wand will cure the zombiness, but Ahsoka has it…fine, I'll do it.

* * *

_Ten minutes later…_

Wolf had chugged all ten bottles, was blindfolded, and was shaking insanely.

"It's dark!" she shouted.

"Relax, Wolf!" said Vader, "we'll take you to the light." He glanced worridly at Luke.

_Your plan better work._

_I know…or else we're screwed._

"Okeedokee, Doctor Jones! Wheeeeeeee…..I'm hungry, do we have some bacon? I like bacon!"

They could see the zombies up ahead. "Now!" said Luke, and they yanked off the blindfold.

Mace was the first Wolf took out. He was still dancing, and she took a flying kick at his head. By now everyone had noticed her. None of them could stop Wolf, though.

Wolf had already taken out Mace, Obi-wan, Qui-gon, Dooku, Maul, Ahsoka, Lando, and Han. Boba Fett started forward, rifle in hand. Wolf snatched the rifle and smashed it on his head. There was a loud *clang*, and he was down.

Next was Leia. She came at Wolf, teeth bared, clearly wanting to east Wolf. Wolf, with two nasty chops and a kick to the gut, took her down. Now only Yoda was left.

He flew at her with a flying jump. Wolf, not really caring that she was taking on Yoda, a freaking Jedi Grand Master, punted him into the nearest wall. **(A/N: Yup. Yoda got punted. Never seen that before.)**

"Good! Let the hate flow through you!" Wolf spun around, only to find a normal but disgusting Emperor Poopatine. Yuck. She did NOT like this guy.

"Join the Dark Side, Wolf!" Annoyed, Wolf reached behind her…and pulled a rocket launcher from nothing! How awesome is that? "AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Palpy like a little girl, before the missle hit him.

Wolf skipped outside, shrieking like a banshee.

* * *

The world slowly came back into focus.

The first thing that registered with Wolf was that she was in a ditch, and it was now the next day. The second was that her cell phone was ringing.

Then she remembered everything.

"Dang, I did awesome!" Wolf picked up her cell phone.

"Hey, Wolf? It's Jayfeather. We managed to revive everyone except the corpse, who still has some third degree burns. What you did to him with the rocket launcher was awesome, by the way."

"Thanks. Who wants Pizza Hut?"

And so, Wolf, Jayfeather,a dn the rest of the gang except Palpy all went to Pizza Hut to pig out.

* * *

**Wolf: Mwuahahaha!**

**Jayfeather: You scare me sometimes.**

**Wolf: Anyways, I notced that out of the hundred people who come here, only two review! Come on, I'll take whatever I can get! Even flames! **


	5. Palpycakes

**Wolf: It's chapter 5! Includes Palpy-cakes torture!**

**Palpy-cakes: You are so cruel.**

**Wolf: Shut up, before I shoot you! (aims a nail gun at Palpy-cakes.)**

**Palpy-cakes: Why a nail gun?**

**Wolf: (shoots Palpy-cakes.) It stays until I think of something more hilarious. I don't own Star Wars, Warriors, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Battlefront II, Apple, or any of the songs in this chapter.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Palpy-cakes the Pedophile**

Three days had passed since Halloween. Palpy-cakes (the nickname Wolf now humiliated Palpy with) was still in the infirmary, and Wolf was now a legend among the heroes.

Right now, Wolf was arguing with Ahsoka.

"I'm telling you," said Ahsoka, "Harry Potter can beat the crap out of Frodo any day!"

"How? Harry has a magicky stick that shoots sparks, and Frodo has the One Ring!"

"You have a wand, too!"

"True, but I'm a thousand times more creative with it, and I-" Wolf cut herself as Palpy-cakes turned the corner and strutted towards the duo. Apparently, he had been released from the infirmary, and he did not look happy.

"Listen up, you little brat!" he said in a high pitched voice. When Wolf had kicked him between the legs, she had done some…damage. "You are going to join the Dark Side! Now, come hither!"

"AHHHHH!" screamed Wolf, "PEDOPHILE! Warriors, attack!" All of a sudden, Jayfeather, Lionblaze, Ashfur, Feathertail, Tawnypelt, Yellowfang, Squirrelflight, and Tigerstar appeared, and began to rip Palpy-cakes to shreds. Wolf and Ahsoka hadn't even stayed to watch, and had Apparated away.

* * *

Luke and Vader were sitting in the room they had Apparated into. They were playing Battlefront II. On the screen was a digital version of Vader, who had just chopped down Player 2, a rebel soldier.

Ahsoka laughed. "Take that, Luke!"

"Actually," Luke replied with a grin, "I'm the Imperials, and Father here is the Rebels. He kinda sucks at this." He chopped down another three Rebel soldiers.

Without another word, Wolf collapsed. Dang, she had a killer migraine. _Is this a disturbance in the Force?_ It was, for Luke and Ahsoka were holding their foreheads in shock. Vader, on the other hand, took this opportunity to kill Luke on Battlefront. He punded the air in triumph when the virtual Vader was shot down.

"Screw you!" Luke shouted, before grabbing the remote again. The doors burst open, and everyone saw the source of the disturbance.

Palpy-cakes the Pedophile stomped in. He was a bloody mess, and in one hand he was holding the shattered remains of an iPod. His iPod, of course. Aren't I evil? "YOU LITTLE-"

-This content has been deleted due to profanity. All of it involves insults to Wolf's grandmother, lifestyle, gender, etc.-

He left the room. Wolf sighed in relief. Okay, so he hadn't gone all Chester the Molester. That was a relief.

Still, Palpy-cakes had gone too far. If physical torture was no longer working, then it was time for Plan B…

* * *

Two days later, Palpy-cakes was amazed to discover he had been sent a new iPod. He wondered who had sent it. It was probably from another suck-up Grand Moff.

Cackling with glee, he plugged it into his laptop. Imagine his happiness when he saw it already had one thousand songs on it! Palpy-cakes was overjoyed…until he saw what songs were on it, that is.

He couldn't delete them. What was worse, every time he tried, the song would play at max volume throughout the entire house.

"_You get the limo out front!"_

"Stop! Stop it!"

"_Hottest styles, every shoe-"_

"Oh, -bleep-!"

"_EVERY COLOR!!!!!"_

"Make it stop!"

From the air vents, Wolf, Ahsoka, and Luke snickered.

"_I'm a Barbie girl!_

_In a Barbie world!_

_Life in plastic-"_

" This sucks!"

"_IT'S FANTASTIC!"_

A large crowd had gathered around. Everyone, even the villains, were roaring with laughter. Some giggled so hard they peed their pants.

"_A few times I've been around that track_

_So it's not just gonna happen like that_

_'Cause I ain't no Hollaback Girl_

_I ain't no Hollaback Girl!"_

Palpy-cakes unplugged the iPod, but it did no good. The music continued.

"_Pop it_

_Lock it_

_Polka dot it_

_Country five_

_And hip hop hip!"_

With a roar of rage, Palpy-cakes demolished the iPod with his lightsaber. He fled the room, leaving everyone ready to be hospitalized due to laughing so hard.

"Hey Wolf?" asked Luke.

"Yeah?"

"What's a Hollaback girl?"

* * *

**Wolf: I like Harry better than Frodo, by the way.**

**Harry: Yes! Take that!**

**Frodo: Dang! You suck!**

**Luke: Seriously, what IS a Hollaback Girl?**

**Wolf: I'm not sure…Hey, out of the two hundred people that see this story, why do only five review? Review, or else! Seriously, if you want Obi-wan to live...**

**Obi-wan: Oh crap!**

**Wolf: I'm just kidding...probably. Review!**


	6. OMF ITS HARRY POTTER!

**Wolf: Thanks to all of the awesome reviewers! Oh, and the Harry Potter stuff is from the beginning of Harry's fifth year, just when they arrive at Hogwarts.**

**Palpy-cakes: You smashed my iPod! Oh well, I am cooler than you anyways.**

**Wolf: Yeah, yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, freak. Anyways, I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Potter Puppet Pals, Google, or the fan fiction author XxRandom NemesisxX. I do own fudge, though! Yum...sugar...**

* * *

**Chapter Six: An Excess of Chosen Ones**

"You ready?" Wolf asked her companion.

"Yup!" Nemesis replied, holding up a green pitchfork. Wolf grinned back and brandished her new licorice whip. It was awesome! A two meter long piece of licorice covered in needles. It was the perfect snack- OF PAIN!!!

Their target was up ahead, blundering about like his usual idiotic self.

"On the count of three…" Wolf muttered, "ONE!"

And they began their assault on Palpy-cakes.

Screaming like the wuss he was, Palpy-cakes fled from the stabbing of the pitchfork and the lashing of the licorice whip. Once he had fallen back ten feet, he ignited his lightsaber, and Wolf and Nemesis mirrored his actions. Well, they tried to. Wolf's saber refused to ignite.

"What's wrong with that thing?" asked Nemesis.

"The batteries are dead!" groaned Wolf.

Deciding not to remark that lightsabers didn't even need batteries in the first place, Nemesis replied, "How many batteries does it need?"

"Thirty-eight triple A's!"

"Dang!"

"What?"

"I only have thirty-seven!"

Taking the advantage, Palpy-cakes shot a burst of lightning at Wolf. Wolf flourished her wand, and there was a flash of blinding white light.

* * *

Vader was once again trying to play Battlefront II. Key word: trying. As Yoda always said, "Do or do not, there is no try."

In other words, Vader was failing epically at playing the game.

BANG! CRASH! BAM! Loud noises were coming from outside the door. Pausing the game and unclipping his light saber from his belt, he opened the door, only to find something totally unexpected and terrifying.

"Hi, Vader!" called out two simultaneous voices. _Sithspit, _Vader thought, as he twisted to face the Duo of Doom. Standing before him were Wolf and that dreadful Nemesis girl. Strewn across the floor were several people Vader didn't recognize.

"Ugh," groaned a raven-haired boy with a lightning bolt scar, " I feel like I just drank twenty shots of firewhiskey…"

"HARRY!" admonished a bushy-haired girl, "never drink alcohol! It destroys brain cells!"

"Hermione, you're such a narc!" retorted a tall and gangly orange-haired boy.

"HOLY DUMBLEDORE'S POO!" shouted Harry, who pointed at someone who strongly resembled a cross between a skeleton and a lizard, "It's Voldermort!"

Nemesis turned to Wolf. "What the heck did you do?"

Wolf once again smiled widely, "I don't know, but this is going to be fun!"

She glanced thoroughly over the crowd. Among the newcomers were Harry Potter, Ron Weasely, Hermione Granger, Voldermort (Or as Wolf called him, Riddle-dee-de.), Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Fred, George, and Ginny Weasely, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Remus Lupin, Tonks, Lucius and Draco Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange.

Wolf and Nemesis put away all of their weapons, except for two wand-shaped twigs with small, blinking, harmless green lasers on the tips. The duo rushed into the crowd, shrieking, "AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

They didn't actually know the Killing Curse, but no one else knew that fact.

Harry ducked into the nearest room and locked the door. Big mistake. He spun around, only to find Riddle-dee-de, Snape, and Lucy-Lu (Lucius Malfoy.)

"Potter!" bellowed Snape. Riddle-dee-de aimed his wand.

"AVADA-"

"Purgius Vomit!" Instantly, Riddle-dee-de vomited a glittering waterfall of rainbow-colored puke. Two loud *pop*s sounded out, and Wolf and Nemesis Apparated into the room.

"You made Riddle-dee-de throw up THAT?" Nemesis asked, as she and Wolf busted up in laughter. "I have got to try that on Palpy!"

"Are you two Death Eaters?" Severus murmured dangerously.

It was Wolf who replied, "Heck no! We just like to annoy villains to death. Yes, people can now be officially _bothered _to death. Don't believe me? Check Google."

Severus groaned in exasparation, "Not another Potter Puppet Pals reference!" At this, Wolf and Nemesis began shoving Severus into the wall, repeatedly screaming, "BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!"

Meanwhile, Harry and Riddle-dee-de were trying to kill each other. You know, the usual stuff, except this time Riddle-dee-dee had rainbow barf coating his face.

After Severus had fallen unconscious, Wolf turned to Nemesis. "Shall we go back to our Palpy-cakes torture?"

"Of course!"

And so, Wolf and Nemesis once again began to beat, stab, puncture, slash, slice, and impale the crap out of Palpy-cakes.

* * *

**Wolf: It's not much, but I wanted to bring in Harry Potter characters right now.**

**Severus: Idiot.**

**Wolf: Sorry! I normally don't torture my favorite characters…wait screw that, I do it sometimes, but I just couldn't resist a Potter Puppet Pals reference. Review or else the universe will come to an end due to the evil plot bunnies flooding my brain! Seriously, though, almost fiv hurdred people have viewed this fic, and only, what, fourteen people review? I'm not continuing until I have 20 reviews!**


	7. Shipjacking

**Wolf: Bwuahaha…I had an energy drink when I wrote this. You have been warned.**

**Fred: Oh-**

**George: Crap.**

**Fred and George: We are SCREWED.**

**Wolf: I was KIDDING! I had an energy drink when I wrote the next chapter, not this one!**

**Palpy-cakes: No, no no!**

**Nemesis: (jabs Palpy-cakes with a pitchfork.)**

**Wolf: I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Starbucks, Candyland, Trix, Jonas Brother, or Superman. I also don't own Nemesis, since she is a real person. Nor do I own anymore fudge…sigh…**

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Shipjacking**

A few days later, Wolf's and Nemesis's thirst for pranks still hadn't been quenched; they now lurked in a corridor, hunting their prey. He was barely ten feet away.

"Ready?" Wolf asked.

"Heck yeah!" Nemesis responded, holding up some chains and handcuffs. They sprinted around a corner, shackled Severus Snape, and dragged him to the nearest bathroom. He soon realized what they were about to do.

"No! Never! Stop this immediately, or else I'll flay your hides!" Wolf and Nemesis paid no heed, and plunged his head into the water.

"SHAMPOO TIME!" shouted Wolf with glee. Both her and Nemesis grabbed some frappuccinos and drank while they worked. Wolf was now slightly more normal than she was before with caffeine; still crazy, though. Heck, if Wolf ever became fully normal, the world would probably end.

"Yeesh!" commented Nemesis, "He's like a vampire!"

"Which ones? The gay ones that sparkle, or the ones that can spontaneously combust with sunlight?"

"The second one. I will not compare Snape to something that horrible."

Once they were finished, they left an unconscious Severus in the bathroom, while they headed off to begin their master plan.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Wolf and Nemesis had met Ahsoka, Luke, Ron, and Ginny in one of Wolf's secret rooms; only two people were missing, and they finally arrived.

"Sorry we're late," panted Fred, "but-"

"We got stopped," continued George, "by-"

"Vader, who-"

"demanded to know-"

"where Luke was, so-"

"we set off-"

"a Dungbomb-"

"in his mask."

"What'd we miss?"

Wolf grinned widely. "You're here! Okay, let's go." They set off to begin Phase One.

* * *

The Super Star Destroyer _Executor, _then orbiting Earth_, _was deserted as Wolf, Nemesis, Fred, George, Ahsoka, Ginny, Ron, and Luke Apparated into the docking bay. Wolf glanced around nervously, then sighed in pure relief.

"So far, so good! By the way, does anyone have coffee?"

"NO!" shrieked everyone all at once.

"Dang! Ahh, let's move on to the Command Bridge, then."

The group stalked the oddly empty halls. Wolf and Nemesis had called ahead, and had told Admiral Piett the Jonas Brothers were coming to visit on their tour; terrified, the entire crew had evacuated.

The gang all sat in different seats. "Okay," commanded Nemesis, "we need to fly this thing to Chicago. From there we'll move to Phase Two." She pulled out some pie and dished out a piece to everyone.

"It's like the Starship Enterprise!" blurted Ron.

Nemesis, with a mouthful of pie, said, "Too bad we didn't force Snape along. We could've given him pointy ears, and called him 'Spock.'"

Everyone snickered.

* * *

"I win! The money in the pot is mine!" whooped Obi-Wan. Vader and Qui-Gon grumbled as they pushed their money towards Obi-Wan. Before them was a game that, had Wolf been there, she would have used as serious blackmail material against them…Candyland.

"Things around here have been awfully quiet," commented Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan agreed. "I heard they've built some sort of vehicle. It's called the Jackmobile, because Wolf says 'It ain't worth jack!' Other than that, nothing has really been going on

This was true. Not much had happened in almost a week. "If I know Wolf and Nemesis," replied Vader, "they're planning something big. Or, as they would say, ginormous."

Just then, Severus burst into their room. Qui-Gon hastily hid Candyland underneath the table. The trio was startled on two counts. Not only was Severus unexpected, but his hair was acutally CLEAN! Wow! And no one had thought that to be possible!

"Vader!" Snape snapped, " Wolf and Nemesis were discussing you. They mentioned your Star Destroyer. Your son is also involved."

Vader rushed past Snape and out the door, thinking only one thing: Wolf. Was. Going. To. DIE.

* * *

"Hey Wolf?" inquired Ron, "I'm hungry."

"I'll call a House Elf! _Accio Dobby!"_

Here's a tip: Summoning Charms are not good ways to call House Elves. Dobby smacked into Wolf's open palm, and stumbled to the ground.

"Hi Dobby!"

"Yo, Wolf! What's happening, dude?"

"We want pie now, please!"

"Certainly, dude! I'll be back, dude!" Dobby Apparated away, and returned a few minutes later with French silk and apple pie. "Here's your pie, dudes!"

Moments later. Wolf, Nemesis, and Ron had stuffed their faces. Once they were full, Ginny pulled out an ordinary graph. Someone had gone all OCD on it, complete with color coding and neat handwriting. Whoever had made this graph was guaranteed to receive some dirty looks.

"Why isn't it a pie graph?"

Ginny looked at Wolf. "What?"

"Well, my favorite graph is the pie graph. Because everyone loves pie!"

Ginny moaned in annoyance, then went on. _Must…remain…sane….Must…remain…sane._

Wolf's thoughts were entirely different.

_A purple panda bear was confronting a neon yellow beetle. "You sicken me, Gerald!" the beetle screeched. Just then, a hoard of ginormous iPods ambushed them, and began shooting lasers. An old man with a hunckback ran through the brawl, graoning, "Leave Britney alone!"_

_Then the picture changed, and pieces of beef jerky were being flushed down by the world's largest toilet. Someone was screaming, "Mommy, MY PEBBLES!"_

Wolf snapped out of her reverie as Ginny's voice stated loudly, "Are we clear?"

"Clear as vegetable soup! Nemesis yelled. Ginny glared.

"Hey," announce Ahsoka, "we're nearing Chicago!"

"Activate the cloaking device!" In truth, the cloaking device only made them look like Superman picking his nose. Occasionally, it would scream, "I've struck gold!" This was the problem of buying hi-tech science fiction gadgets at the dollar store. Hey, no one would really care anyways, right?

"Hey look!" Fred and George said simultaneously, "A pie factory!" Big mistake.

"WHERE?" shrieked Wolf and Nemesis together. Instantly, they shoved Luke out of the pilot's chair and grasped the controls. Due to the sugar high, though…wait, no don't blame sugar, both of them were real sucky pilots anyways, the _Executor _was now on a collision course with the pie factory, and-

The ship crashed into the factory with an explosion of raspberry red, orangey orange, and lemony yellow. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!

* * *

**Wolf: So? Review what you thought of the retarded chapter! I'm posting two in one day, so yeah…after that, I won't continue until I have thirty reviews.**

**Vader: That long?**

**Wolf: Yeah.**

**Palpy-cakes: That's a relief.**

**Wolf: Don't be so sure…**

**Palpy-cakes: AHHHHHHH! (rides away in the Jackmobile.)**

**Wolf: Review!**


	8. Endless Pie! Endless Pie!

**Wolf: Woohoo! Two chapters in one day! This is definitely the best one yet.**

**Jayfeather: Yay!**

**Wolf: Yay! Anyways, I have plans for three big stories and two oneshots. One's a Christmas story, so that won't be for a while, and another one is kinda a spin-off of something that'll appear in the next chapter. I'll have a poll if you want to read it or not.**

**Jayfeather: Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Transformers, Twilight, Batman, Miley Cyrus, Candyland, the Macarena, monkey ninjas, Nemesis, or any of the songs in this chapter.**

* * *

**Chapter 8: Endless Pie…Endless Pie…**

"Yay! I landed at the ice cream fairy queen's palace! Yay me!" Yes, Mace Windu actuallysaid this. Mace actually played Candyland, and wasn't ashamed of it. Doesn't the retarded ness of it make you want to laugh?

Yoda, Qui-gon, Obi-wan, and Mace were playing Candyland with Dumbledore, Hagrid, Harry, and Lupin. Suddenly the JedI Masters felt a disturbance in the Force..

"What do you see?" Lupin asked, alarmed.

Yoda looked up at Lupin, the horror truly evident on his face. "See a crashed Star Destroyer, I do. A wreckage of raspberry red, orangey orange, and lemony yellow, I see…and the voices…" This was the scary part.

"What er those voices sayin' Yoda?" Hagrid asked.

"There are…two teenage girls, screaming ominously, "Endless pie…endless pie…"

"Did somebody say pie?" said Dumbledore. " I LOVE pie! What are we waiting for?" Without another word, Dumbledore sprinted out the door.

"What should we do?" Harry inquired.

"We need to organize a mission." Mace replied absentmindedly, only focused on the game. He put his game piece in the 'Finish' square. "I WIN!!!"

* * *

Ron glanced over the wreckage. Everyone was there, except for Wolf and Nemesis. Which terrified Ron. Those two were wandering a pie factory, all by themselves….Oh, snap!

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap," Luke kept muttering.

"What?"

"My father is going to kill me!"

"Oh, he won't just kill you," said Ginny, "He'll kill you, cook you, and eat you. Not in that order, either." Luke gulped. "Besides," she continued, "He'll probably only go after Wolf and Nemesis. We have to find them, by the way."

As a matter of fact, they weren't going to find Wolf and Nemesis. Wolf and Nemesis were going to find them.

"YOU I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT!"

"SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT!"

"I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANNA ZIG-A-ZIG AH!"

Wolf and Nemesis came flying into the ginormous main factory room, sprinting, singing, and eating rhubarb pie.

"Let's have some yum-yum!" I brought snacks!" **[1].** Wolf grinned and took a huge bite of pie. If one didn't know about her infamous sugar highs, she would appear crazy. Of course, she was crazy anyways, but not insane crazy. For this was worse than pure insanity. This was Wolf and Nemesis. Chaos reigned supreme around them.

"What the -beep-?" trilled Ron.

Nemesis was standing on her head, saying the swear word alphabet, and jabbed Ron with her pitchfork. Wolf was running in circles, screeching about lemons. She halted, and twisted to face Ron. "The purple cows will do the Macarena, Miley Cyrus will be eaten, and the world keeps spinning round and round!"

Ron blinked and shook his head, clearly confused at this pointless prophecy. Nemesis questioned, "Do purple cows make grape soda or purple ice cream?"

"Grape soda, of course!" **[2.]**

"But how?"

"Well, there's this secret. That secret is-"

"BAM!" cried Han, as everyone from Wolf's Home for Fictional Characters Apparated into the ginaormous factory room thingie.

"Hey Dumbledore!" hollered Nemesis, "Is the size of your beard compensating for something?"

Wolf and Nemesis snickered; everyone else gaped. Dang, sugar highs can be scary!

Lucy-Lu, the retarded a-hole, caught hold of Wolf's shoulder. "You better listen up now, you blast-ended skank!" He threatened. And Wolf punched him.

Yeah, you heard right. Wolf punched Lucius Malfoy. Hard. So hard that he went flying backwards, and his butt landed right on Nemesis's pie.

"THAT'S MY PIE, YOU EVIL-" *Pop!* Nemesis and Wolf's clothes magically transformed into black ninja garb. Together they shouted,

"Monkey ninjas ATTACK!" **[3].**

Most people get terrified when one ordinary ninja attacks them, right? Well, imagine being locked in combat with eighty teenage mutant ninja monkeys. It was the equivelant of a tomboy teenage girl, at the premiere of Twilight, screaming, 'EDWARD CULLEN IS GAY!'** [4].**

Somehow, monkey ninjas were the equivelant of an ugly-as-heck vampire's rabid fan girls…or in some cases, fan boys. Creepy.

Chaos reigned suprme. Until…

"YOU IDIOTS WRECKED MY STAR DESTROYER!?!?"

Vader had finally noticed the rubble that was, at one point, his beloved _Executor. _To say he was ticked would definitely be the understatement of the year.

"It was an accident!" argued Wolf, "Besides, why have some dumb, boring ship, when you can have an Autobot instead! Isn't that right, Optimus?"

Optimus Prime turned his mechanical gaze down to the puny humans. "There has been a massing of Decepticons at the North Pole. Autobots, roll out!" The Autobots all crashed out of windows, leaving alien robot shaped gaping holes.

"Great," muttered Nemesis, "leave us with the mass murdering Sith Lord!"

"Plan B," whispered a desperate Luke. A tall yellow animal with a long neck and brown spots sauntered into the factory room, and he was dragged forward by Wolf.

"What is THAT!?" squealed Leia.

"_That _is a giraffe!" stated Nemesis. "Steve here is Vader's new pimped out ride! Right, Steve?"

Steve glowered at the still puny humans, and Darth Vader. "I'm not letting his fat, ugly, ungrateful tin can butt ride me!" He threw himself out of another window, leaving a hilarious giraffe shaped hole.

"Dang it!"

"Well," droned Ron, "we could give him a cardboard box."

"That's brilliant!" Wolf pumped the air in triumph. "Actually, now that I think about it," Wolf continued, "that sounds like fun!" She hid inside the box. "I rule in here! Bwuahahahaha!"

"WOLF!!!"

"Quick," said Wolf to nemesis, "to the Jackmobile!" They ran to the Jackmobile, with Nemesis singing, "Duh na nuh na nuh na nuh nuh, Duh na nuh na nuh nuh, BATMAN!!!"

Fred, George, Ginny, and Ron raised their wands with a swish and flicker. "_Accio Brooms!" _Soon they were flying away.

"Well, Ahsoka," sighed Luke in resignation, "only one functioning TIE is left. So you can take it, leave me here to die. Please honor my-" Ahsoka dashed to the TIE and lifted off, laughing in relief. "HEY! I didn't mean that! You were supposed to let me go instead! Come back, you bi-"

"LUKE!!!"

"Uhh, hi Father. Listen, I know you're angry, and I can understand that, but look on the bright side, you can get the money from the insurance policy, right?"

"It wasn't insured, and you, young man, are only eating brocoli for the rest of your life!"

"NOOOOOOOOO, not brocoli! Anything but brocoli! Why?! WHY?!"

* * *

**Wolf: Well? Remember to say what you think of this!**

**Luke: I hate you.**

**Palpy-cakes: Good! Let the hate flow through you!**

**Luke: SHUT UP ABOUT THAT ALREADY!**

**Nemesis: (stabs Palpy-cakes with a pitchfork.)**

**Luke: Much obliged.**

**Wolf: Review, or else my rabid plot bunnies will eat Obi-wan! I'm not contuing until I reach 35 reviews!**

**[1] Dane Cook said this during one of his shows.**

**[2] Me and my friend had a conversation like this, when these other people kept whispering secrets, so we whipsered about this.**

**[3] Virtual Jayfeather and Feathertail plushies go to whoever guesses where this is from!**

**[4] I screamed this at the movies, just not at a premiere. I hate Twilight.**


	9. DODGEBALL!

**Wolf: Hooray, it's the dodgeball chapter! You all know what that means!**

**Palpy-lemon-limey-poo: Oh no…hey, why'd you change my name?**

**Wolf: I got bored with Palpy-cakes. Anyways, here's chapter nine!**

**Review responses:**

**KrazyKat: I have been obsessed with pie since the fourth grade. Personal favorite is pumpkin. Still am searching for someplace with rhubarb pie, though. Never have tried it…yet!**

**Oh yeah, I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Pizza Hut, or Apple.**

* * *

**Chapter 9: DODGEBALL!**

Luke grumbled and put down his broccoli. It turned out his father hadn't been kidding about Luke's punishment. Luke, more than likely, was doomed to eat the horrible food for eternity. There was only one way to save himself…Darth Vader had to be redeemed. It couldn't be that hard, right?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE, WOOOOOOOOOOOOO, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Everyone get your butts down to the gym!"

Luke stood up in silence and walked to the gym, his mind on his conversation with his father earlier that day.

* * *

_Flashback_

"_Father?" asked Luke hesitantly._

"_Yes, Son?" Luke sighed in relief. Vader replying meant that there wasn't a disowning in the future for them…at least, not yet._

"_We need to talk."_

"_Luke, is this is about-"_

"_It's not about the Executor. Nor is it about the incident involving Wolf and nemesis, Palpatine, duct tape, and underwear."_

"_Then what it is?"_

_Luke looked at his suddenly interesting feet. His boots were nice and shiny today. Han had insisted on spit shining them, claiming that shiny boots made people more attractive._

"_Come to the Light Side, Father! We have candy!"_

_Vader had __not__ expected this._

"_Did Wolf or Nemesis put you up to this?"_

"_No! I really mean it! You're nothing as a Sith!"_

"_Says who?" Vader's voice was low and intimidating, but it wouldn't faze Luke._

"_Says this book!" Luke held up an obnoxious yellow and black book. But this wasn't any old ordinary book. This book was __Why the Dark Side Sucks and How to Tell Your Master to Shove it and Move On With Your Own Life.__ Written by Wolf and Nemesis, of course._

"_Just think about it, will you? And seriously, read the dang book. It cost me twenty dollars! Can you believe you pay people with paper? Whose dumb idea was that?" Luke set the book on a table and left the room, leaving Vader with nothing but his thoughts and a terrifying book._

* * *

There was a large crowd of character inside the gym; all of them were nervous. Just why the heck would Wolf and Nemesis call them all down there?

Nemesis strode in, a huge grin on her face. Beside her was Wolf. Suddenly, they pulled candy out from behind their backs. "HAPPY HALLOWEEN!" **(A/N: I know there was a Halloween chapter already, but it really is Halloween now, and I couldn't help myself!)** Wolf and Nemesis handed out candy to all of the Light Siders, while the Dark Siders received toothbrushes, carrots, and toothpicks.

"See?" Luke said smugly, "I told you the Light Side has candy!"

If anyone could see Vader, they would know he was glaring daggers at Luke. Not that anyone really cared.

Several red rubber balls were scattered across the floor, and Wolf picked one up. She handed it to Nemesis, and addressed the crowd, "Can anyone tell me what this is?"

Absolute silence.

Wolf grinned even wider. "This happens to be a dodgeball. Show them!" Nemesis whipped the ball at Palpy-lemon-limey-poo; he went soaring backwards, and smashed into the wall. There was a sickening splat.

"That was awesome!" said Nemesis.

Wolf grinned even more widely than before. "Let's see an instant replay!" She picked up a ball and hurled it at Bellatrix Lestrange, who also hit the wall with a splat.

"The goal of the game," told Nemesis, "is to hit as many people on the opposing team with the balls. The ball is only out if it hits the ground. You can bring teammates back into the game by catching a ball. It's Light Side versus Dark Side. Start now!"

Wolf and Nemesis blew whistles. Everyone snatched up balls and fled to their safe side. Snape stood in the middle of the court for a second, confused, then sprinted towards the Light Siders.

"Traitor!" shouted Voldermort, who hit Severus with a ball. Snape was the very first person out. Hermoine, Dooku, Lando, and Lucius Malfoy were next, due to their total lack of athletic ability and muscle.

After a while, only Luke, Vader, Bellatrix, and, shockingly enough, Palpy-lemon-limey-poo remained. Luke was doing his best, but he just didn't stand a chance. Furious, he whipped a ball at Bellatrix's head.

"WOOT WOOT! Yeah, go Luke!" Wolf's and Nemesis's echoed. "Beat the crap outta that a-hole!"

One problem: Luke had used the Dark Side to take down Trixie the Strange (You know, Bellatrix.) . "Good!" Palpy-lemon-limey-poo cackled. "Give into your hatred! Only your anger can help you defeat me in this childish and painful game!"

Luke glared. Wouldn't this d-bag ever just shut up! With a roar of rage, Luke ran at his father (I don't know why his father, it just helps go along with the plot, so play along!). Luke began to beat the crap out of Vader.

"Hey!" Oh, snap. Wolf was ticked. No one was allowed to beat up her favorite character, even if it was her fourth favorite of all time!

Luke looked down at his father. "Luke…" moaned a despairing voice.

Luke knelt down by his father. "Yeah?"

"I read some of the book…"

Astonished, Luke stood up and faced Palpy-lemon-limey-poo. "I'll never join you! The Dark Side raises your blood pressure, ruins your chances at a girlfriend, and will probably end up wounding whoever joins it! Do I want to look hideous? I don't think so! Besides, several Jedi are super hot! I am a Jedi, like my father before me!"

"Incompetent fool!"

"Oh yeah? Well, my forehead doesn't look like a wrinkly old butt!"

Enraged, Palpy-lemon-limey-poo shot a long burst of Force lightning. Luke giggled.

"Ha ha ha, that tickles! Stop it! Stop it!" And stop it did.

Luke looked up, amazed. His father was blocking the lightning. Slowly and steadily, he took steps towards Palpy-lemon-limey-poo. Finally in front of Palpuy-lemon-limey-poo, he picked him up and hurled him over the edge of a reactor shaft that had conveniently appeared, courtesy of Wolf and Nemesis. Vader…err, Anakin, then collapsed, about to die.

"Father!" Luke screeched. He ran to his father's side.

"Luke…"

"Yeah, Father?" he glanced at Wolf. "Do something!"

Wolf flipped desperately through the pages of a Wands for Morons book. "There's nothing in here about a counter-curse for being tickled to death!"

"Luke…" Vader continued, "Tell Qui-gon…that it was me who destroyed his iPod last week. Tell Obi-wan…he's a drunk…" Vader collapsed.

"Oh, hey, these pages were stuck together…hey, I found it!" There was a flash of white light. When it was gone, everyone gasped. Gone was the suit of Darth Vader. In his place was an insanely hot guy who appeared to be in his mid-twenties. Wolf gasped, appearing completely out of character for herself.

"OMF, IT'S ANAKIN! FINALLY!"

Nemesis grinned, and handed him some well-deserved candy. He had joned the Light Side, so he now had candy, right?

"Guess we're even then, huh, Anakin?"

Anakin glanced at Nemesis, clearly confused. "What?"

"You know…your Star Destroyer…"

"Ah, forget it. Luke, you no longer have to eat broccoli."

Luke punched his fist into the air in triumph. "YES!"

"So…" Wolf gazed at all of the Light Siders, "Who wants Pizza Hut again?"

"I DO!" bellowed everyone.

Once again, everyone headed to Pizza Hut to stuff their faces until they puked.

* * *

**Wolf: Finally, I redeemed Anakin!**

**Anakin: Uhh, thanks, by the way! We're even!**

**Wolf: You're hot…**

**Anakin: Uhh, creepy! (Rides off in the Falcon.)**

**Han: Hey! (Chases Anakin.)**

**Fred: What was inside that book?**

**George: And what was the incident with you and Nemesis, Palpy-lemon-limey-poo duct tape, and underwear?**

**Wolf: Well, the reviewers will have to review and say if they even want to know what those all were…or what the book said, etc. Review! I'm not continuing until I have 40 reviews! I'm serious this time!**


	10. Pizza the Hutt

**Wolf: Wow, that was the fastest time I have ever gotten reviews.**

**Anakin: Isn't that a good thing?**

**Wolf: Well, duh, but…**

**Anakin: What?**

**Wolf: It takes 586 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie pop. Trust me, I counted them.**

**Anakin: Uhh, okay then…Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, Pizza Hut, Apple, any of the songs mentioned or sung in this chapter, or Nemesis.**

* * *

Chapter Ten: Pizza the Hutt

Pizza Hut was in an uproar; Star Wars and Harry Potter characters alike were celebrating the Light Side's victory over the dark idiots.

Luke and Anakin were chatting up a storm, Harry and Ron were 'bothering' Snape, and Yoda and Qui-gon were listening to Yoda's iPod. Qui-gon had been quite furious when he had discovered what Anakin had done to his iPod. In Anakin's defense, Luke had argued that the iPod had been destroyed by Vader, and Vader no longer existed. Over all, though, everyone was having a good time.

"Okay!" hollered an annoyingly perky waitress with a high voice, "I have seventeen meat lovers' pizzas, twelve cheese, one veggie, thirty pitchers of orange soda, thirty pitchers of root beer, and seventeen orders of breadsticks! Any-"

"PIZZA!" bellowed every single one of the heroes. The waitress was teampled by a pack of ravenous diners.

Seven minutes and twirty-two seconds later, everyone was eating pizza like there was no freaking tomorrow. Wolf was chugging down orange soda by the pitcher. Orange soda was yet another one of her obsessions. "You know," commented Obi-wan to Anakin, Luke, Wolf, and Nemesis, "I'm surprised those uncivilized villains haven't attacked us yet."

"You're right, Obi-wan," responded Luke, "I've been thinking the same thing."

"Shouldn't someone check on them?"

"We'll do it!" remarked Wolf and Nemesis at the exact same time. They Disapparated away to the mansion.

* * *

Wolf and Nemesis arrived at the mansion. As they walked inside, they hid underneath Harry's Invisibility Cloak, which they had 'borrowed.'

What they saw would inform, relieve, and disturb them.

"Okay!" said He-Who-Has-An-Incredibly-Long-Name to his Death Eaters, "So, we all agree on how we're going to try and kill the Potter boy next! Anyways, coffee and donuts are in the lounge. Remember, I had to waste a lot of people to get those donuts!"

Underneath the Cloak, Wolf and Nemesis shuddered at the idea of this overly cheery Voldermort, as they headed upstairs to check on Palpy-Lemon-Limey-Poo. They looked everywhere, but didn't find him until searching the furthest corners of the house. He was in a deserted bathroom…dressed in a red dress, blonde wig, earrings, and high heels. Makeup was smeared all over his face. He looked like an undead clown in a hideous dress.

Wolf and nemesis turned green. Transfiguring a bucket from mid-air, they both vomited into the bucket. After five minutes of non-stop retching, they spoke in hushed whispers.

Nemesis spoke first. "Ha! Palps is a cross dresser! I knew it! Obi-wan owes me five dollars!" Nemesis had made a bet a week earlier.

Wolf grinned and pulled out a camera. "I am taking pictures. This is the greatest humiliation material I've ever seen."

After taking about fifty pictures, the Duo of Doom returned to Pizza Hut, still snickering. But before they left they had one last deed to perform…

* * *

Palpy-lemon-limey-poo was strutting through the corridors, clearly ticked off. His apprentice betrayed him! After that ordeal, it wasn't likely that the younger Skywalker would join him, either. His last chance would be the Wolf girl.

Speaking of Wolf, her voice and Nemesis's as well screamed through the intercom just then.

"_It's Britney._

_I see you._

_And I just wanna dance with you._

_Every time they turn the lights down_

_Just wanna go the extra mile for you_

_Public display of affection_

_Fells like no one else in the room but you_

_We can get down like there's no one around_

_We keep on rockin'_

_We keep on rockin'_

_Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing_

_They keep watchin', keep watchin'_

_Feels like the crowd is sayin,_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME MORE!_

_GIMME GIMME MORE!"_

Wolf and Nemesis were awful as heck singers. When they finished, Nemesis simply screamed, "Yeah! That was for Palpy-lemon-limey-poo, and his creepiness!"

"Yeah!" continued Wolf, "Here's a tip: Don't buy such cheap makeup!"

Palpy-lemon-limey-poo fainted from the horror.

* * *

When they walked inside the restaurant, chaos greeted them. It wasn't they sort of chaos they enjoyed, it was just…_stupid._ A newly reformed JedI Knight and a cocky smuggler were arguing about a certain horrid dilemma.

"Han, I told you, the last breadstick is mine!"

"Why?" Han glared at Anakin.

"Because I deserve it! I won the game!"

Annoyed, Chewbaca stole the breadstick from between them and ate it himself, ending the argument.

"CHEWBACCA!" roared Han in rage. "That's it! I am no longer paying for your fancy lice shampoo, or whatever the heck that stuff is!"

/_Sheesh, some crapped their pants this morning./ _Of course, not everyone understood this; to them Chewie had just said, "RRRWWWAAARRRGGG!!!"

Anakin and Han chased Chewbacca all around the table, out for some Wookie blood.

**Wolf: Bwuahaha!**

**Chewbacca: RWWAAARRRGGG!**

**Harry: Is that all he ever says?**

**Severus: I believe so.**

**Wolf: No, he also** **says 'GRRRRRRR!' AND 'NYYYYEERRRRHHHH!'**

**Severus: Have you eaten sugar in the past hour?**

**Wolf: ...Maybe.**

**Severus: Of course. You have the Gryffindor stupidity.**

**Wolf: Actually, I have a little bit of each Hogwarts House in me.**

**Severus: Thank Merlin you're not a Slytherin.**

**Wolf: You never know...**


	11. Darth Vex

****

Wolf: Okay, here is the next chapter, finally! For all of you who absolutely love Palpatine bashing, and bashing for other villains, this is the chapter for you!

**Palpy-cakes: Great. What did you do this time? Hey, I'm Palpy-cakes again!**

**Wolf: Mwuahahaha…you'll see. I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Potter Puppet Pals, Hannah Montana, iPod, any of the songs mentioned, Nemesis, or Flapjack Sushi. Flapjack Sushi is one of my best friends who finally found my fan fiction profile, and I'd promised her she could be in it for a while.**

**Also, I don't walk home from school, I take the bus. This is for the purpose of this chapter.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Eleven: Darth Vex**

Wolf sat in math class, feeling extraordinarily bored. Today's school day was uneventful. Finally, Wolf sighed in relief as the class ended. She met one of her best friends, Flapjack Sushi.

"Hey, dude!" Wolf and Flapjack Sushi grinned at each other as Wolf pulled out her iPod. They listened to it for a while, and sang the song "Superstar", by Toybox. Why were they doing this? They were just weird like that.

"See ya!" Wolf said to Flapjack Sushi. School had finally ended (What a relief!), and now they had to go home and leave the dreaded school for the weekend. Wolf sprinted out the doors, running to freedom.

Or so she thought.

Wolf was walking down a dark, quiet street, whistling "Don't Stop Believin'". So, let's see…it was dark, deserted, and too quiet…well, you can probably guess what happens next.

Palpy-cakes, in all of his gay glory, jumped out of the shadows. Wolf yanked out her licorice whip. "Hello, my apprentice."

Wolf fumed. What was WITH this guy?! Didn't he ever give up? Honestly! "I am NOT your apprentice, Palpy-cakes! Give up already!"

"Oh, young Wolf, you will find yourself mistaken…about a great many things…"

Wolf tilted her head in confusion. "How does that fit into our dialogue?"

Palpy-cakes shrugged. "I don't know, I just needed to distract you, until the trap could work."

Wolf's blood turned to ice. _No, not that…NO! _Wolf yanked her hands to her head as a swarm of dementors surrounded her…

_Wolf was stuck in the car on a thirteen hour car drive, with her sister blasting her Hilary Duff music…_

_A shiny mountain bike was resting on a pole in front of Wolf. It seemed to be taunting her…_

_Wolf opened the cookie jar, only to find it empty. Someone had stolen the last cookie…_

With a cry, Wolf passed out.

* * *

_Ugg…Where the heck am I? _Wolf slowly opened her eyes. They were in a dark, damp house. Being the obsessed fan girl, Wolf immediately recognized it as the Riddle house from Goblet of Fire. Then she remembered Palpy-cakes and the dementors. Speaking of Old and Wrinkly, he was standing beside her now.

"Welcome to the Dark headquarters, my new apprentice." Wolf decided against glaring at him. After all, wouldn't that be anger, which was part of the Dark Side? Besides, the Dark Side didn't really have cookies, contrary to the popular belief. Therefore, Wolf had no reason for joining.

"Oh, hello Palpy-cakes. How's life? Mine's great." she huffed. "After all, dementors aren't a big deal at all, are they?"

Palpy-cakes smiled. His mouth was nothing but a smudge of black gums and yellow teeth. Eww. "So, I managed to catch you unawares! Well, my new apprentice, you should learn to expect the unexpected!"

Wolf stared at him. "Isn't that redundant?" Palpy-cakes looked at her in confusion. She babbled on. "Well, you see, if I expect the unexpected, that makes the unexpected the expected. Therefore, if the unexpected is expected, then I can't expect the unexpected, since the unexpected is the expected! So, the unexpected isn't real, and I can't expect the unexpected, since the unexpected doesn't exist, making that crap you're saying a load of redundancy!"

Palpy-cake's eyes were glazed due to Wolf's babbling. He had not understood any of that, because Wolf had talked so blasted fast! "Stop that!" he ordered.

"Stop what?" Wolf asked, batting her eyelashes innocently.

"Stop babbling!"

Wolf glowered. "I am not babbling!"

"Yes you are!" Palpy-cakes argued.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Quiet!" Palpy-cakes howled, "We must go to the Dark meeting!"

* * *

Inside the room, Voldermort, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape (Spying, of course, though only Wolf knew this. Ignore what happened in the dodgeball game, he was just trying to keep up his illusion. Voldy thought he was still loyal to him.), and Peter Pettigrew (Who had finally shown up.) were waiting. Pettigrew was standing, everyone else was sitting in ornate chairs, looking extremely pompous, obnoxious, and purely evil. Except for Severus, who just looked like a greasy man with a troubled childhood.

"Ah, Sidious, you're here!" greeted Voldermort. His kitty-cat red eyes widened when he spotted Wolf. "What the Potterspawn is she doing here?!"

Palpy-cakes selected a chair, and motioned for Wolf to follow. Wolf took a seat and propped her legs up on the table. "This rude young lady is my new apprentice." There was scattered applause for Palpy-cakes. Wolf grinned darkly at them all, plans all forming in her head.

"Yo, Palpy-cake! Where are Maul, Puku, and Trixie the Strange?"

Palpy-cake glared at Wolf. "You, my apprentice, must learn some respect! Maul, Dooku, and Bellatrix are away, keeping those insolent heroes out of our way. Considering how you are one of their leaders, it shouldn't be difficult for them to do their job."

Wolf snorted. "Fine. But you better have some food, or else I'm kicking the crap out of you."

"Pettigrew! Fetch some snacks!" said Snakeman. He glared at the ceiling. "I am NOT Snakeman!" Somehow, he could read the filler text.

Pettigrew returned with a plate of cookies. Wolf licked her lips. "Ooh, cookies!" She shoveled three cookies into her mouth at once; the others ignored her.

"So, how should we strike at the pathetic heroes next?" Lucy-lu asked his master.

Voldermort appeared to think for a moment. Imagine that! Voldermort, thinking! "I believe we should try killing the Potter boy again."

Palpy-cakes moaned in annoyance. "No! That is always your plan! We should kill the Skywalkers! They have become the leaders of those idiots!"

Wolf glared daggers at the both of them. "Don't talk about Anakin and Luke like that!" Unfortunately, she said this through a mouthful of cookies, so all anyone heard was a muffled, "MMMMMPPPPHHHHH!!!" She swallowed her cookies.

Palpy-cakes glowered at her. "Take your feet of this table!"

Wolf offered a mock salute. "Of course, Milady! Anyways, I'm noticing a severe lack of estrogen here."

Draco piped up, "The female gender is quite irritating." Everyone except Severus nodded.

Wolf raised her eyebrows. "Oh really? I guess that's why you're all dating men instead?" Wolf: 1; Villains: 0! Everyone banged their heads against the table. Wolf continued, "Besides, if that's true, then why am I here?"

Palpy-cakes answered, "You are strong in the Force, and are a notorious gangster, which could be a great asset!"

"First off, I'm a prankster, not a gangster. There's a difference, people!" She stuck out her tongue at Palps.

"From now on, you shall need my permission to speak!" There! That ought to stop her, right? The trouble with Wolf is, though that she never shuts up. Not while she is awake. She calmly raised her hand in the air.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

Palpy-cakes sighed. "Permission granted."

Wolf did a set of very peculiar things. She stood on the fancy schmancy table, put her iPod headphones into her ears, and began to sing and dance:

"_Mai-a-he  
__Mai-a-hoo  
Mai-a-ha  
Mai-a-ha ha  
Mai-a-he  
Mai-a-hoo  
Mai-a-ha  
__Mai-a-ha ha  
__  
__Hello, solute, it's me, your babe  
And I made something that's real to show you  
How I feel  
Hello, Hello, It's me, Alina  
I will paint  
My words of love with your name on every wall_

When _you leave my colors turn to gray  
Numa numai-a, Numa numa numai-a  
Every word of love I used to say  
Now I paint them every day  
When you leave my colors turn to gray  
Hey my lover stay, or all my colors fade away  
Every word of love I used to say  
Now I paint them every day!"_

She pointed a mocking finger at Palpy-cakes. "I'm gonna do this for the next eleven minutes!"

She did; since Palpy-cakes had given her permission to speak freely, so speak freely she did. She went through Womanizer, Boom Boom Boom, Hot and Cold, and See You Again, since those were some of the most annoying songs on her iPod. After she had finished, she bowed dramatically, hopped off the table, and took a seat.

Nobody spoke for five minutes, still in shock.

"All right, Sidious," muttered Moldywarts, "get your blasted apprentice under control and make her shut up!"

Wolf smiled widely, that creepy glint in her eyes. " I will never shut up! By the way, Snape, that's a very nice outfit you're wearing. It's all of that black; it really brings out the color of your eyes. And Moldywarts, you should think about getting a nose job. I get the feeling that if I pick you nose, I'll stab your brain."

Voldermort aimed an 'undeserved' Cruciatus Curse at her. A minute later, Wolf got up off of the floor. She had an incredibly high pain tolerance. You earn that after listening to Hannah Montana's shrieking music for a few hours. That was a fate far worse than death.

"Quiet, my apprentice!"

Wolf appeared giddy. "Ooh, since you're not calling me a Sith name, do I get to create my own name?"

No!" commanded Palpy-cakes. "I have already chosen your name, Darth Vex!"

"Darn!" Wolf stomped her foot in mock disappointment. "I wanted to be Darth Electric Sparky Spark!" _Vex…where have I heard that before? It sounds familiar. _"What does vex mean?"

Severus sneered, "It means annoyance, or _bother."_ Secretly, Severus really hoped that the Dark Lords received what they deserved. Who better to deliver pain and humiliation than Wolf? Nemesis would be good, too, but she wasn't here.

Wolf shot a dark glance at Severus, sensing his intentions. She nodded, then turned to Palpy. "Bother, eh? In that case," she shoved Palpatine in into the nearest wall, screaming, "BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTH-"

"_Stupefy!" _Lucius bellowed. This was the last thing Wolf heard before she blacked out.

* * *

Anakin paced back and forth, nervous. Since his redemption, Wolf had made him, Yoda, and Dumbledore leaders of the heroes, along with herself and Nemesis. He had been hoping for a good, clean start. And what just had to happen? Wolf got kidnapped, and all of the obvious signs pointed to Palpatine. The door opened, and Nemesis's head peeped through.

"Do you have the evidence?" he asked, Nemesis nodded, held up a note, and ate a piece of pie, staing completely in character.

_Idiotic heroes-_

_I have kidnapped Wolf. I do not plan on returning her to you. She is my new apprentice now, and Darth Vex shall be far more powerful than any of you! Mwuahahahaha!_

_-Palpatine._

_P.S. Anakin, prepare to die. Lord Voldermort says the same thing for Harry Potter._

Anakin gulped, and Dumbledore Apparated in. "Hey Dumbledore?" Nemesis asked.

"Yes, young Nemesis?"

Nemesis looked slightly unnerved. "What does vex mean?"

"Ah! I believe it means bother."

Nemesis grinned, despite the horror of the situation. Those villains were in for a LOT of crap. They captured Wolf...and Wolf would not let them get away with that.

Those idiots weren't prepared for the pain and humiliation they were about to face.

* * *

**Anakin: Well, isn't this great. Wolf's gone.**

**Flapjack Sushi: Yeah.**

**Fred: Who are you-**

**George: and what did you do with Wolf?**

**Flapjack Sushi: Uhh…ciao!**

**Han: GET HER!!!**

**Wolf's distant voice: Yo! Back off, guys!**

**Flapjack Sushi and Nemesis: Uhh...hi?**

**Wolf: Yo, what's up? I am soooooo bored!**

**Anakin: Uhh...review! **


	12. Homicidal Psycho Authoresses

**Flapjack Sushi: Well, this is chapter 12.**

**Nemesis: And I'll say the disclaimer! Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Warriors, Hannah Montana, any of the mentioned songs, or Nemesis or Flapjack Sushi.**

**Jayfeather: Yeah, all singing and thoughts will be typed in italics.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Homicidal Psycho Authoresses**

Wolf sighed as she slowly rotted in the drab and boring Riddle Manor. Dang, didn't villains like any color? This was killing her! _If only there was some way to get out of here…_

On cue, Palpy-cakes, Snakeman, and Lucy-Lu strutted into the cell. Wolf groaned and slapped her forehead. "Well look who it is!" she said. Wolf glared at them, sorely wishing that she had one of her weapons.

Palpy-cakes sneered. Eww, there was that creepy mouth again! "You have disappointed me. How can you be like this?"

Wolf sneered. Which was scary looking. "At least I'm not a cross dresser!" Palpy-cakes gasped in horror, and Voldy and Lucy-Lu snickered.

"HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?!"

Wolf grinned, and held up her phone. On it was the picture of Palpy-cakes in a bikini. Voldy and Lucy-Lu promptly vomited, while Palpy-cakes shrieked.

Wolf, in a sing-song voice, began her happy chant. "Cross dresser! Cross dresser! Cross dresser!"

I'm pretty sure you can imagine how the rest of this went.

* * *

Nemesis smacked the table. "So this is the plan?" She was holding up her pitchfork, looking intimidating.

"Yup!" replied Wolf's friend, Flapjack Sushi. Every single hero had been fitted up for combat. Palpy-cakes had captured Wolf. What an idiot!

"Okay, Anakin will lead Team A," continued Nemesis, "and Flapjack Sushi, Sirius, Luke, and I will be Team B. Anakin, your team attacks, and our team helps Wolf."

* * *

Wolf sighed inside her cell, and held up her head with one arm. This sucked! No sugar, no randomness, no nothing! There had to be something! Then, the idea came to Wolf. Wandless magic. It was nearly impossible, but…

Wolf concentrated into the deepest depths of her mind. When Wolf concentrates, you know the impossible is going to happen. Why? Well, Wolf normally couldn't concentrate at all.

*Pop!* Wolf's salvation appeared in front of Wolf. She opened her eyes and grinned so widely. In front of her was a frappuchino, her licorice whip, a microphone, a dictionary, Doritos, earmuffs, and a pair of safety scissors.

For most people, they wouldn't be able to do anything with these. Not Wolf. Wolf was practically a gold medalist when it came to randomness.

* * *

Nemesis, Flapjack Sushi, Sirius, and Luke sneaked through the corridors of the Riddle Manor. Sirius said, "So…what's for dinner tonight?"

Luke responded, "I think we're having stroganoff."

Flapjack moaned. "No! I hate stroganoff! It tastes like butt!"

Sirius faked gagging. "YOU'VE tried butt?!"

A loud bang cut off Flapjack's reply. We will never know whether or not Flapjack Sushi had ever tried butt, for at that moment, the wall exploded, and Voldermort, Bellatrix, Lucy-Lu, and Draco flew at the heroes. Someone hollered, "ATTACK!"

There was a great flash of white light as Nemesis caused a pool of pudding to appear. The pudding caused Draco and Bellatrix to slip. Unfortunately, Nemesis also slipped in the pudding. "Ooh," she said, "it's chocolate pudding!"

Anakin and his entire team sprinted into the brawl. Somehow, even being completely outnumbered and outmatched, the villains were _still _winning! Lame! Now, if only there was some way the heroes could win…

Without warning, earmuffs poofed into each hero's hands. Understanding some silent instructions, they each put them on. A voice began speaking into the intercom that Voldermort had built.

"Uhh, testing, 1, 2, 3! Is this thing on?…" Everyone recognized Wolf's voice instantly. "Hi, dudes! It's Wolf! Anyways, as a special treat for you evil idiots, I drank a frappuchino!" There were several scattered groans. Wolf shouted, "SHUT UP! Anyways…"

There was another faint *pop*. A girl wearing a blonde wig and flashy clothes appeared, holding Wolf's microphone. "Hello everybody Y'all having fun?" Hannah Montana asked.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" whined every single villains, as they were all transported into a stadium, along with Hannah. She began singing her entire first album, while everyone watched.

Suddenly a door at the side of the stadium opened, and a Gungan fumbled himself inside. "Meesa Jar Jar Binks!"

"OH !" once again, they villains groaned. The heroes, safe in the stands, thirty feet above, were roaring with laughter.

Jar Jar and Hannah Montana disappeared. Someone far worse than them Apparated in front of them. Wolf, the homicidal psycho authoress, grinned at them. She held up Doritos and the safety scissors in one hand, and the licorice whip in another. Her lightsaber was attached to her belt. "I GOT DORITOS!"

" OH !" This no had been far longer than any of the others. Wolf began to chug , while stabbing them with her safety scissors. Wolf was the only person you would ever meet who could cut herself with safety scissors. Then she pulled out her dictionary and began chasing Bellatrix and Palpy-cakes. Se began yelling random words. "Ragamuffin! Shenanigans! Wang doodle!" While doing this, she whipped them.

Meanwhile, far above, everyone was looking extremely bothered. Jar Jar had wandered up to them, and was annoying the heck out of little Ani.

"Ani, yay! We are going to be best friends FOREVER!"

Inside his head, Anakin was begging for death. Jar Jar just continued, "Little Ani Bo Bani! I love you so-"

"SHUT UP!!!" roared Nemesis. "Jar Jar, everyone hates you!"

Jar Jar died of shock, while everyone else sighed in relief. Nemesis was officially a hero.

* * *

**Wolf: Yay, no more Jar Jar!**

**Nemesis: I killed Jar Jar? Awesome!**

**Anakin: Finally! No more being called Ani!**

**Wolf and Nemesis: Wanna bet?**

**Anakin: Oh no…**

**Wolf and Nemesis: LITTLE ANI BO BANI, YAY!!!**

**Flapjack Sushi: Ignore them. Trust me, Wolf is one of the craziest peope you'll ever meet.**

**Anakin: Not you again!**

**Flapjack Sushi: Ugh…**

**Jar Jar's Ghost: Meesa all pretty and sparkly! Meesa glowy! Yay, Ani!**

**Anakin: SHUT UP!!!**

**Wolf: Review! Oh, you can have a guest appearance in the next chapter if you can answer this question:**

**Who are my three favorite character from Star Wars?**

**Review!**


	13. Friday the 13th

**Wolf: THIS IS A NO FLAME ZONE! ALL FLAMERS WILL BE SHOT!!! Congrats to xXJedi Knight BlazeXx for getting the question right- again! My three favorite characters are Anakin/Vader, Luke, and Boba Fett.**

**Jayfeather: (In disbelief) BOBA FETT!? He hasn't even done much in this story!**

**Wolf: I know. That's why, coming up, he'll get a whole chapter to himself! Not to mention Sirius, Fred and George, and a few other of my favorites, who haven't gotten much attention.**

**Jayfeather: What about me?**

**Wolf: I don't know.**

**Jayfeather: Idiot.**

**Wolf: I am NOT an idiot! I am mature, sophisticated, dignified, graceful, and…(Bursts into laughter.) AHAHAHAHA! Couldn't say that with a straight face!**

**Jayfeather: So I was right?**

**Wolf: No. I'm not an idiot. An idiot wouldn't be trying to learn Latin.**

**Blaze: (Suddenly appears.) Hi everyone!**

**Tigerstar: Ahhh, it's you!**

**Blaze: Yeah, it's me! Hi, Nakedstar!**

**Nakedstar: Would you just shut up? And don't change my name!**

**Blaze: Come on! It's funny!**

**Nemesis: Uhh, Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Warriors, Lord of the Rings, or The Wizard of Oz. She also doesn't own Nemesis or Blaze, because they are real people.**

**Wolf: Yes, I do realize Vernon Dursley isn't really a villain, but I really don't like that a-hole! So, in the chapter, he is considered a villain! Oh, here are a few things you might need to know:**

**Wolf's sugar highs: That one in the Halloween chapter happened because the frappuchinos were spiked. Normally, Wolf will be in control of her sugar highs.**

**Palpy-cakes as a cross dresser: I got a flame because of this, saying this was the only not funny joke. Yet, somehow, everyone I asked said it was hilarious, and screw the flame. Well, I agree with them! Although this joke won't be as important, it's going to stay. Deal with it.**

* * *

**Chapter 13: SPECIAL!!! Friday the 13th**** and the Slaughter of the Villains**

It was a dark night on Friday the 13th. Well, of course it was a dark night, because night is dark for everyone! Unless you're an Alaskan or a dude with night vision goggles, but that's a different story.

Anyways, back to the pointless story! Like all nightmares begin, two crazy authoresses were wandering the corridors, chatting about pie. As if it wasn't bad enough, those two happened to be Wolf and Nemesis. Considering that Palpy-cakes was just around the corner, this nightmare was about to get hilarious.

"Nemesis, seriously!" Wolf glared at Nemesis. "Pumpkin pie is ten times better than rhubarb!"

"Oh really?" argued Nemesis, her eyes tiny slits. "Well, I think rhubarb is way better than pumpkin, and-" she cut herself off. Standing just ahead of them was Palpy-cakes, holding a pink cell phone and looking _very _nervous.

"PALPY-CAKES!" shrieked the two teenage girls, as they charged at him, licorice whip and pitchfork in hand. Palpy-cakes let out a shrill, girlish scream, and fled. The chase went on for twenty minutes, and went all around the mansion. Palpy-cakes would've gotten away with only minor injuries, if it wasn't for another certain teenage girl who liked to torture villains.

Palpy-cakes was stopped by a girl holding up a bright blue remote. He recognized her immediately. "NO! NOT YOU!" Before him was Blaze, yet another insane authoress.

"Hey, Palpy-cakes! She said, as she pressed a button on the remote. A whirlpool of hot tomato soup appeared, and Palpy-cakes was washed away. "HOT!" he howled again.

Wolf, Nemesis, and Blaze grinned at each other. "Hi!" said Blaze. "Here's your remotes!" She handed out two remotes. Wolf took a bright yellow one, while Nemesis took one that was green.

Just then, a ginormous dark brown barn owl flew directly above the trio, and dropped a heavy package right onto Wolf's head. "Ow!" she muttered, as she picked up and opened the package. "Hey!" she exclaimed. "It's a fan letter!"

As she read it, her grin grew wider and wider. Finally, she let Nemesis and Blaze see the letter.

_Wolf,_

_Hey! I, like, love this story! It's, like, hilarious! I was, like, wondering if you could, like, you know, do a chapter where, like, you all slaughter, like, the villains. That, like, would be, like, so funny! OMG! I, like, really hope you, like, respond!_

Wolf smiled evilly as she wrote her reply.

_Hi! I am DEFINITELY doing this! By the way, improve your speech. You sound like some stupid valley girl._

_Wolf._

Wolf handed her letter to the owl, who flew away. "So…" she murmured to her companions, "what now?"

Nemesis grinned. "We kill all of the villains, duh!"

Blaze yanked out her remote. "I bet I could create the most hilarious deaths!"

Wolf shook her head as she pressed a button on her remote. On one side, the heroes appeared, to watch the forthcoming torture. On the other side, the villains appeared, not realizing that they were all going to die, and then be brought back from the dead, making the whole slaughter thing slightly redundant. "Bring it on!" Wolf replied to her two rivals.

Nemesis started out first. Count Dooku's underwear suddenly flew up high above his head. This 'super wedgie' killed him immediately.

Blaze retaliated. Pointing her remote at Asajj Ventress, Ventress was thrown into a volcano that had suddenly been created.

Anakin opened his mouth to speak, but Obi-wan smacked him. "If you say 'Now you know how I feel' one more time, I swear this light saber is going up your you-know-what!" Anakin gulped, and remained silent.

Wolf smiled wider than ever thought possible when her turn came. Cheese grater surrounded Darth Maul, and began grating him. By the time they vanished, all that remained of him was a pile of shredded robes and his lightsaber.

"Good one!" remarked Blaze, as she retaliated, and Sauron from Lord of the Rings was thrown into a river of vicious chocolate piranhas.

"Piranhas?" remarked Nemesis. Blaze shrugged, while Nemesis rapidly pressed a combination of buttons. General Grievous was tossed into a giant mug of scalding hot chocolate. Whether he drowned or was scalded to death, we will never know.

Wolf aimed her remote at Hawkfrost from Warriors. Holylleaf suddenly appeared behind him, and she began her scolding.

"Traitor to the Code! The Code is everything! You are a freak! You are not pureblood! The Warrior Code has been abandoned! No cat is safe from you, you rule breaker!" With a cry of anguish, Hawkfrost picked up a blaster. Using opposable thumbs we never knew he had, he shot himself in the temple.

Blaze laughed as she chose Umbridge as her next victim. A huge vat of water was dumped on her, and began to melt into a bubbling puddle, all the while wailing, "I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!"

"Ha!" giggled Nemesis, "And so fell the Wicked Witch of the West!" A huge pile of disgusting cafeteria food was shoveled into Darth Caedus's mouth. After eating chicken gizzards, hair sandwiches, and cow intestines soup, he died of food poisoning.

Wolf laughed as well. She _hated _Caedus, that a-hole! A mob of geeks on segways whirled into existence, crushing Lucy-Lu underneath them. So Lucy-Lu died. Served him right, that stupid git!

Blaze cackled insanely. A storm cloud loomed gloomily over Peter Pettigrew. A hail of dirty toilets fell onto old Wormtail, and he was smashed underneath their weight.

It was Nemesis's turn once more. Countless haters teleported into a intimidating circle around Vernon Dursley. They all began shouting insults.

"Fatty! Idiot! Moron! Lardo! Filthy git! A-hole!" This went on for five minutes, until Vernon lost the will to live, and died. Just like that.

Wolf shrieked like a banshee as she picked Trixie the Strange to be the next torturee. A mob of bloodthirsty pink bunny rabbits were swarming towards her. Before they reached her, though, Wolf interfered. "Wait!" She pressed a button, and Trixie was smothered by a ton of ketchup. "Okay, _now _you can eat her!" And so they ate her. It wasn't pretty. Absurdly girly looking bunny rabbits, slowly devouring Trixie. They started at the toes, and nibbled their way up. Disgusting.

Well, it was back to Blaze! Happily humming a tune, Blaze pressed several buttons on her remote. There was a sudden flash of white light. When it dimmed, it was glaringly apparent that Voldemort was dressed in a pink, frilly tutu and leotard _with nothing else._

"Ha ha ha!" howled Harry from the audience. "Volderina! Volderina!" He continued, cleverly combining Voldemort and ballerina.

Volderina died of embarrassment

Nemesis was howling madly as she .flicked her remote in Palpy-cake's direction. Within a millisecond he was trapped within a square box with absolutely no espace or no weapons. However, he wasn't alone.

"Chancellor! Meesa so happy to see you's!" exclaimed Jar Jar's Ghost. "Meesa all glowy and glimmery and sparkly! Oooh!" Moaning with agony, Palpy-cakes died from the horror and shock.

There was one idiot left. And Wolf was allowed free reign of th fate of Draco Malfoy. So she did something very unexpected. The room went dark for a few seconds. When the light returned, the entire floor was crowded with teenage girls.

"Hey!" screeched one girl, "It's Draco Malfoy!" Draco was trampled by a pack of rabid fan girls, all one hundred percent obsessed with him.

You can imagine how that worked out in the end.

"Well," sighed Nemesis, "we're out of villains."

"Wow," responded Blaze, "You know, that was slightly disturbing."

"I'll say!"

"Anyways," asked Wolf, "who did the best?"

Blaze raised her hand. "I think I did!"

Nemesis shook her head. "No I did!"

"No, I did!"

"No, it was me!"

This argument went on for three hours without end.

* * *

**Wolf: Wow, I had writer's block for a whole hour!**

**Jayfeather: That sucks.**

**Hawkfrost's Ghost: Dang, I'm dead.**

**Jayfeather: No dip, Sherlock!**

**Hawkfrost's Ghost: Well, I'm off to StarClan.**

**StarClan: NO! (Kicks Hawkfrost's Ghost to the Dark Forest.)**

**Dark Forest: NO! STAY AWAY YOU FREAK! (Kicks Hawkfrost's Ghost to the moon.)**

**Anakin: Doesn't that break the laws of physics?**

**Wolf: Who cares? Review!**


	14. Anakin's Driving Lesson

**Wolf: (Rocks back and forth.) They…sparkle…gay…stupid…**

**Anakin: Oh my Force, what the heck happened to you?**

**Wolf: New Moon…torture session…Flapjack Sushi…**

**Flapjack Sushi: It was AWFUL!!!**

**Wolf: Die, Edward Cullen!!!**

**Nemesis: Yeah, what she said!**

**Edward: What?**

**Wolf, Nemesis, and Flapjack Sushi: DIE!!!! (Grab lightsabers.)**

**Edward: (Screams like little girl.)**

**Anakin: Uhh, Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Twilight, Taco Bell, or the song TiK ToK!**

**Wolf: (Returns.) Ah, I'll chase Edward later. By the way, I really want to thank everyone who's reviewed. **

**So, thanks to Wildheart, Twilight4EverTDI2, tanglestalker909, xRing of FireX, Lightside, Yellowlight, Dawnmist 11, Greatgrapes, Cheese cake, JohntheJedi1, TotalPadmeLover!, KrazyKat, Freddy!, Darth Krypton, Time In The Heart and Eyes, Ihearttoast, xXJedi Knight BlazeXx, Katie Ladmoore, JediMasterSheila, and WereCatsRule for reviewing. **

**For all you nincompoops who didn't review, start reviewing already! **

**And super big thanks to XxRandom NemesisxX, for just being a ginormous help and reviewing and writing Therapy, which is awesome! Here, have some virtual pie!**

**Nemesis: PIE!! Thank you, thank you, thank- hey, this isn't real pie! It's virtual!**

**Wolf: Bwuahahaha! (Eats some pumpkin pie.)**

**Nemesis: Give me the pie!**

**Wolf: NEVER!**

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Anakin's Driving Lesson**

"So," said Voldemort to Palpy-cakes, "the guy was, like, 'OMG, it's Voldemort!' And I was, like, 'Avada Kedavra!' And he was, like, dead!"

Palpy-cakes gasped and covered his mouth. "Dragon bogies, no way, no way, no way!"

"Way!"

"Excuse me," said Nemesis, who had just Apparated into the room, a smoothie in hand, "but why the heck are you two talking like valley girls?"

Palpy-cakes and Voldemort glared at the girl. "Wolf hexed us," they replied simply.

Nemesis laughed at them. "Hey, have you two morons seen Wolf? I can't find her anywhere."

Obi-wan strolled up towards them. Nemesis gasped. "IT'S OBI-WAN!!!"

Obi-wan flinched backwards about twenty feet. "Uhh…hi. I'm looking for Anakin, have you seen him?"

Palpy-cakes smiled that disgusting smile. You know, the smile with teeth so yellow and gums so black that it makes you want to vomit on one of those creepy teachers at school. Or something like that. "I believe Wolf has taken Anakin for an Earthling driving lesson. Something about cars."

Nemesis, in shock, spit out a whole mouthful of her smoothie right onto Volderina. He moaned in annoyance, "Why me?" Then he glared at the ceiling. "AND WOULD YOU STOP CALLING ME VOLDERINA?!?!" Yup, he could read the filler text again.

"Dang right I can read the text!"

He did not realize how much of an idiot he was.

"Lord Voldemort is not an idiot!"

Oh, but he was an idiot!

* * *

About twenty miles away, Anakin and Wolf were sitting in the driver's seat and shotgun of a rather nice car. Wolf was instructing Anakin how to drive it.

"Okay, first things first!" Wolf pointed at the pedals. "Big pedal makes the car go, and little pedal makes the car stop! Got that?" Anakin nodded. "Good! This," she pointed at the gear shift, "is the prindel!"

Anakin scratched his head in confusion. "The what? I thought it was the gear shift!"

"No! Prindel! You know, P, R, N, D, 3, L!"

"It's a gear shift!"

"Prindel!"

"Gear shift!"

"Prindel!"

"Gear shift!"

"It's a PRINDEL!!! Get it right!" She smiled evilly again. "Anyways, let's try it out!" She hopped into the shotgun seat, while Anakin grasped the wheel.

"Okay, so what's the first thing you do when behind the wheel!"

Anakin flicked the ignition on, then screeched, "FLOOR IT!!"

The didn't realize that the prindel/gear shift was currently switched onto the 'Reverse.' The car soared right into a brick wall at the shocking spped of 120 MPH.

"SEE! I TOLD YOU TO WATCH THE PRINDEL!!!"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Anakin and Wolf had retrieved yet another car. This time, Wolf was behind the wheel. "Okay then, since we didn't do so great last time-"

Anakin snorted.

"-I'm going to demonstrate how to drive!" She flipped the keys in the ignition.

"So," Anakin muttered nervously, "you do know how to drive a car, right?"

Wolf put on a pair of sunglasses, and did that cool thing where you trace the rims. She grinned crazily again. "Nope!"

And she floored it, much to Anakin's terror. It was nice when he was driving, because he trusted his mad skills. But Wolf, one of the weirdest people he had ever met, and who also didn't know jack about driving? Ahh, the horror!

To be honest, Wolf did well for a while. Until, of course, a boy with bronze hair and no muscle walked along next to them.

"IT'S EDWARD CULLEN!" shrieked Wolf. "HE MUST BE TAKEN OUT!"

Flooring the car yet again, she was in hot pursuit of Edward, who was fleeing. At least, it appeared to be Edward, until he shouted, "I'm not Edward Cullen! I'm Cedric Diggory!"

It was true. He actually had a tan, and didn't sparkle like some homo. Wolf abruptly braked, and Anakin's head banged against the dashboard. "Sorry Cedric!" she called out.

Edward walked up, sparkling like a total loser. "Hey, Cedric!"

Cedric glowered darkly at his doppleganger. "I hate you."

Edward frowned. Just then, Wolf screamed, "CULLEN!"

"AIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!" Edward attempted to flee from the psycho girl behind the wheel, but it was no good. The car smashed into him, and in turn, they both crashed into another brick wall. The Edward-shaped dent prevented Anakin and Wolf from ever using that car ever again.

* * *

Anakin sighed as he waited for Wolf to reappear from the car dealership. What could possibly be taking her so long?

POP! Wolf suddenly appeared. "Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about crashing this one."

Anakin grew suspicious. "And why is that?"

"Because…" POP! A massive green weapon of mass destruction also appeared. Anakin gaped. "Is that a TANK?!"

"Yup!" stated Wolf proudly. "I got it at the car dealership!"

"And," questioned Anakin, "just why should I drive this thing?"

"Did I mention that it's a tank!"

Anakin smiled widely. "Okay, let's go!"

Unfortunately, the tank's controls were entirely different from those of a car, and it took Anakin and Wolf three whole hours just to find out how to steer. Soon they were cruising along the streets of the city, with nearly everyone stuck in the traffic howling at them in rage.

"Wanna listen to some music?" asked Wolf. She turned on the radio.

"Ooh," said Anakin, "I love this song!" He began to sing:

"_Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy_

_Grab my glasses, Im out the door - Im gonna hit this city_

_ Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack_

_Cause when I leave for the night, I aint coming back_

_Im talkin' bout - pedicures on our toes, toes_

_Trying on all our clothes, clothes_

_Boys blowing up our phones, phones_

_Drop-topping, playing our favorite cd's_

_Pulling up to the parties_

_Trying to get a little bit tipsy_

_Dont stop, make it pop_

_DJ, blow my speakers up_

_Tonight, Imma fight_

_Til we see the sunlight_

_Tick tock, on the clock_

_But the party dont stop no_

_Woah-oh oh oh_

_Woah-oh oh oh_

_Dont stop, make it pop_

_DJ, blow my speakers up_

_Tonight, Imma fight_

_Til we see the sunlight_

_Tick tock, on the clock_

_But the party dont stop no_

_Woah-oh oh oh_

_Woah-oh oh oh!"_

Anakin grew silent as the song continued. He looked right in front of his face and froze. "Wolf, what the poo is that?" He pointed to a silver device with an oval shaped lense on the front.

Wolf replied, "Oh, that's my video camera! I use it to tape blackmail material!"

Anakin gazed at the camera for a few seconds, until this information finally hit its mark inside his freaky brain. "You…you…you just taped me singing TiK ToK!"

"Yeah!" She snatched the video camera.

Anakin hollered in fury, "GIVE THAT TO ME! THE TAPE MUST BE DESTROYED!"

"Never!" defied Wolf.

Anakin tackled Wolf, leaving no one behind the controls. Within seconds, the tank was hurtling off a cliff that had magically appeared for absolutely no reason whatsoever, except to help the plot move along. The pair inside the tank were only saved by a huge jelly thingie.

Wolf sighed in relief. "Thank the Force that jelly was there!"

The jelly all fell apart under the tank's weight, and the tank collapsed into the ground, leaving it in ruin.

Anakin and Wolf stumbled out of the wreckage. Anakin groaned. "I can't imagine what would have happened if that jam hadn't been there."

Wolf thwacked the back of his head, triggering his migraine. "IT'S NOT JAM, IT'S JELLY! GET IT RIGHT, YOU MORON!"

Anakin moaned, "THAT'S IT! I'LL JUST TAKE DRIVER'S ED!"

Wolf smiled grimly. "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"And why the Sith not?!"

"Because," she responded, "the Driver's Ed teacher around here is a total creeper!"

Anakin screeched in annoyance. Wolf laughed, and they went to Taco Bell for some odd reason, with that reason probably being because Taco Bell has some amazing...you know, tacos.

* * *

**Wolf: You know, that was supposed to be longer, but I decided to cut it there.**

**Anakin: Yeah. I'll just have Flapjack Sushi teach me to drive.**

**Flapjack Sushi: Heck no! I'm not teaching you, you're a loser!**

**Anakin: No! You're a loser!**

**Flapjack Sushi: HOW DARE YOU! (Unleashes kung fu skills on Anakin.)**

**Wolf: (Laughs at Flapjack Sushi beating the crap out of Anakin. ) Anyways, I have two requests! First of all, do you want something absolutely hilarious to happen to someone in this story? Do you want to see someone tortured? Well, just put any requests in your review! Come on, you dunderheads! Review! It's not that hard!**

**Second of all, I really want to get 100 votes on my poll, so please vote on that!**

**Nemesis: (Apparates in.) The telephone is eating the crayon! (Runs away, cackling and chowing on pie.)**

**Anakin: (Reappears.) Well, that was weird.**

**Palpy-cakes: I'll say!**

**Anakin: Where did you come from?**

**Palpy-cakes: I just finished teaching my Driver's Ed class!**

**Wolf: See? I told you the teacher was a creeper!**

**Anakin: Die, Palpy-cakes! (Pulls out lightsaber.)**

**Palpy-cakes: AHHHHHHH! And don't call me Palpy-cakes! (Is attacked by lightsaber and licorice whip.)**


	15. Save the Whales!

**Wolf: Come on! I hardly got any reviews!**

**Hawkfrost: That's because you suck!**

**Wolf: OH, THAT'S IT!!! (Grabs licorice whip.)**

**Hawkfrost: AHHHHHH! (Hides behind Tigerstar.) Help me, Daddy!**

**Wolf: (Raises eyebrow.) Can I see him for a few minutes?**

**Tigerstar: He's all yours. (Bodily whips Hawkfrost away.)**

**Hawkfrost: TRAITOR! (Gets attacked by crazy authoress.)**

**Nemesis: Hi! Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Warriors, or any of the songs in this chapter. Nor does she own ME!**

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: Save the Whales!**

"Welcome, like, my Death Eaters," said Voldemort, who was still under the Valley Girl Speech Curse, "today we will, like, be discussing how to, like, kill the Potter boy."

"No!" said Palpy-cakes, "We have talked about that at every meeting so far! I WANNA KILL THE JEDI!"

"No! We kill Potter!"

"Jedi!"

"Potter!"

"Jedi!"

Before their argument could continue, the doors burst open dramatically. In strode Wolf and Nemesis.

Wolf surveyed the crowd. They were a pack of idiots. "I see dumb people," she stated.

"GET OUT! THIS IS MY ROOM!" shouted Umbridge, in all of her pedophilic glory. Immediately Nemesis clubbed her on the head. She conjured a large tarp out of thin air, and began to wrap Umbridge in it.

"What are you doing? Tell me!" ordered Umbridge.

"I MUST SAVE THE WHALES!" replied Nemesis, as she continued to wrap Umbridge in the tarp.

It only took Umbridge a nanosecond to comprehend Nemesis's statement. "I am NOT a whale!"

"I'm sorry! You're in denial! Don't struggle against my tarp! Here," Nemesis pointed her wand at Umrbidge. "_Stupefy!" _Umrbidge collapsed, fully concealed inside the tarp.

Every single one of the Death Eaters and Sith pulled out their wandes and lightsabers, respectively. "Oh no," murmured Nemesis, "we're outnumbered."

Wolf grinned. "Wow. I actually feel bad for them. Oh well!"

Together the two insane authoresses aimed their wands at the retarded villains. _"Annah-Hay Ontana-May!"_

"NOOOOOOOO!" shrieked every single bady guy, "Not her! Anything but her!" Despite the fact that the spell was in Pig Latin, it succeeded, and every stupid moron in the room collapsed from the horror of the Hannah Montana music, though Wolf and Nemesis heard none of it.

They gazed darkly down at the evil nimrods. "So," inquired Nemesis, "what do we so with them?"

"Only one thing to do!"

Nemesis gaped. "And if we go to Azkaban?"

"Then we escape, duh!" Wolf aimed her wand at Voldemort.

"_Imperio."_

* * *

Anakin sighed as Luke beat him again in Battlefront, for the four hundred and twenty seventh time. Luke stood up on the coffee table and began to dance to the beat of his victory chant. "I win, you lose! Nyah nyah nyah!"

"You suck, Son!"

"Why thank you, Father!"

The doors opened, and Wolf ran into the room, clearly frightened. "MAKE IT STOP!" she moaned.

Anakin and Luke hopped out of their chairs. "What's happening?"

"She's…" Wolf collapsed to the floor in exhaustion, as Flapjack Sushi rode in on a bicycle, singing that annoying song.

"I can ride my bike with no handlebars! No handlebars!"

Wolf refused to even glare at the bike, but instead threw Nemesis's pitchfork (Which she had _Accio_ed) at the bike, puncturing the tires. The bike violently crashed into a wall. Wolf sighed as she got back onto her feet. "Okay, that's over." She turned to Anakin and Luke. "Do you guys want to see something absolutely hilarious?"

* * *

Ten minutes later, every single hero was laughing at the evil retards. Wolf and Nemesis had taken many liberties with the Imperius Curse. Each and every villain was dressed like a stupid, trashy girl, or in Voldy's case, a ballerina.

"Volerina!" taunted Harry again. "Volderina!"

"Quiet, Potter!" bellowed Voldemort. Unfortunately for him, he couldn't take the horrendous clothing off, due to the Imperius Curse.

Palpy-cakes, dressed in his good old red bikini, glared at Wolf and Nemesis. "I HATE YOU TWO!"

"Good," mocked Wolf, "Aren't you always saying 'Let the hate flow through you'?"

Palpy-cakes shrieked, while Nemesis began to eat some pie. Lucy-Lu strutted up to them, wearing this purple…thing. Shudder! "Why would you do this, you little turds?!"

"Well," replied Wolf, "It's like the song Deck the Halls says, '_Don we now our gay apparel! Fa la la, la la la, la la la!' _And trust me, apparel doesn't get much gayer than what you dunderheads are wearing."

Every single one of the said dunderheads wailed in tortured anguish, while Wolf and Nemesis slapped high fives.

* * *

**Wolf: Okay, I know there isn't much in this chapter, but I needed to post this! And trust me, the next chapter is most likely going to be the longest chapter yet.**

**Jayfeather: Unfortunately, Wolf decided on forcing you all to wait for the next installment!**

**Random fan: YOU SUCK!**

**Wolf: Whatever!**


	16. Christmas Shopping

**Wolf: WAHAHAHAHAHA! It's the Christmas shopping chapter! And you all know what that means!**

**Luke: What?**

**Wolf: CHARACTER TORTURE!!!**

**Palpy-cakes: Oh no…**

**Anakin: (Shoves lightsaber into Palpatine's butt hole.)**

**Palpy-cakes: Hey! I don't have a ghost form!**

**Nemesis: You have to be cool in order to be a ghost.**

**Wolf: Anyways, a little response to my one flame:**

**I LOATHE Twilight! Honestly, what's the big deal? It's a vampire love story. Yeah, well, there's millions of those. And in this particular one, the vampires SPARKLE! It kinda deserves to be bashed….but this isn't a Twilight story. So Edward Cullen will not be in it much, except occasionally with Cedric. And once in this chapter, involving a T-shirt with his picture on it. Suck it up, Twilight fans. And for all fo you Twilight haters, HAPPY DAY!!! **

**I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Warriors, Call of Duty, Twilight, or any of the songs in this chapter!**

**Chapter Sixteen: Christmas Shopping

* * *

**

It was a cold and drab day outside. A large blizzard had left the Star Wars, Harry Potter, and few Warriors characters all bored out of their minds, as well as two insane authoresses.

In the common room, Luke and Anakin were playing Wizard chess, Wolf was asleep on the couch, Han was chugging coffee, Nemesis was picking at a pie, Palpy-Cakes was sipping a smoothie (Which Anakin had poured urine into), and Sirius and Remus Lupin were playing video games.

Finally, Luke spoke what they were all thinking. "I'm bored."

Anakin slammed down his bishop onto the game board. The bishop began beating the snot out of Luke's rook. "We need to go out! I'm suffocating in here!"

Agreeing with them, Sirius nudged Wolf. "Wolf…Wolf, wake up…"

"Let me try!" said Palpy-cakes. He shoved Wolf brutally. "Wake up, imbecile!"

"AHHHHH!" screamed Wolf, who had evidently woken up. She jabbed her wand at Palpy-cakes. "It's a dementor! _EXPECTO PATRONUM!"_

A large silver wolf emerged from Wolf's wand. It tackled Palpy-cakes right in between the legs, and he collapsed to the ground.

"Okay," said Lupin, "you're awake."

"We're bored!" complained Sirius.

From her chair, Nemesis frowned. Then she snapped her fingers as the idea came to her terrifying mind. "Let's go Christmas shopping!"

"What's Christmas shopping?" asked Luke.

"It's where you buy fun stuff," replied Nemesis, shrugging.

"COOL!"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, everyone was hopping onto a ginormous bus. The bus driver, Graystripe, was muttering to himself. "Can't believe Firestar forced me into this…that one accident with the tree, and he screwed me with this dang job…Dark Forest, this sucks…."

The bus ride was uneventful, with the exception for the fact that everyone kept asking why his voice was suddenly so high pitched. Every time Anakin or someone else explained it, his face would grow a darker shade of red, so he looked similar to a rotten, wrinkled tomato.

The mall was quite large. Luke observed this as he hoped out of the bus. Once everyone piled out, he drove away. Luke carefully made observations about his surroundings. There were several trees with which could have enemies behind them--

Then again, he had just ridden in a smelly, overcrowded bus with over a dozen evil dunderheads. Villains just didn't get much worse than Volderina (Even though he had a degrading pet name).

"Hey, look!" said Obi-Wan. He pointed at the nearest store. "We're by Toys R Us!"

BIG mistake. "I WANNA BE A TOYS R US KID!!!" shrieked Wolf, Nemesis, Harry, and Sirius in unison, as they dashed for the entrance.

Luke sighed to himself. "The fun's just begun…Hey, I just rhymed! Tee hee!"

"Idiots," muttered Ginny, "I'm surrounded by idiots."

* * *

Inside, everyone had split into groups. Hermione, who had decided to get a present for Ron, had immediately headed to the video game store all by herself. "Perfect!" she exclaimed, noticing the posters on the windows. "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2! I've got to get that for Ron!"

Inside, there was only one copy left. Just one. Hermione smiled to herself as she grabbed for it. Some poor sucker was going to be quite disappointed…

"No so fast, Mudblood!" Hermione whipped around, and spotted Ferret Boy. You know, Draco Malfoy. "Hand over the game!"

"I don't think so! Seriously, Malfoy, don't be such a twitchy ferret!"

Ferret Boy flushed. "I am NOT a ferret!" Hermione punched Ferret Boy. Hard. So hard that he immediately fled frm her. She bought the game, snatched up the bag, and sprinted after Malfoy, with hexes flying from her wand.

* * *

In another store, a similar fight was going on…

"Give me it!" bellowed Palpy-cakes, who was grasping one side of a Team Edward T-shirt.

"Never!" replied Ahsoka, keeping a firm grip on the other side of the shirt. "Edward is mine, you homo!"

"I am NOT a homo!"

Each one unsheathed their lightsabers, and they began to duel. How many fights can go on in one shopping facility?

* * *

Meanwhile, Anakin and Luke were peering at the hoards of people rushing around the merry-go-round **(A/N: Yes, some malls have merry-go-rounds)**. Anakin grinned. "Okay, let's go!" The father-son duo jumped right at the merry-go-round, lightsabers ablaze. "Everybody off!" The people, all horrified, fled, screaming at the tops of their lungs. Anakin and Luke roared with laughter, and began their master plan.

* * *

Further away, Nemesis sat alone at the cheese store. Before her were the parts for a laser, as well as every single kind of cheese. "Okay, onto my brilliant plan…Yay…"

* * *

Sirius pouted at Remus as they waited in Santa Clause line. "Moony! Come on! You never let me have any fun!"

"Padfoot, I told you, you'll destroy the fragile spirits of innocent children!"

"But destroying the fragile spirits of innocent children is _fun_! And you know that Santa Clause isn't real!"

"YES HE IS!" said Cedric, who was right behind them. "He is real! You just gotta believe in him!"

"What a Hufflepuff nimrod!" whispered Sirius to Remus. They were now at the front of the line. "Ooh, goody gumdrops! It's my turn!"

And he giddily hopped onto Santa's lap. "Hiya, Santa!" Sirius said in a little-kiddish voice. "I wanna pony for Christmas!"

"What the--" said the Santa imposter. Sirius ignored him.

"Like, you never got me the My Little Pony playset before, and I asked for one every year! I WANT A MY LITTLE PONY PLAYSET!!!"

"Shut up, you drunk!" roared Santa. Annoyed, Sirius tugged on Santa's beard, and it ripped right off.

"HE'S A FRAUD!!!" screeched Sirius, as he and Remus fled from the Santa imposter's rampage.

* * *

Harry, Ron, Leia, and Han sighed as they browsed the sections at the bookstore. Well, Harry, Ron, and Leia were browsing. Han was just staring at the books, pretending to comprehend any of the letters. In reality, his mind was in La-La Land.

"Harry! Ron!" called out a voice. Harry and Ron spun around only to see Hermione, holding up a book. "Look at this!" The book was titled Harry Potter and the Year Nothing Happened.

Harry glared at the book, but Ron started laughing. "Maybe it'll say that Malfoy is gay!"

Hermione's eyes shined in memory of an important fact. "Oh, thanks for reminding me! I was trying to kill him." And with that, she left.

Harry turned to Ron. "What the bloody heck was that about?"

* * *

Wolf happily skipped along the mall's large corridors, window shopping. In one hand was a frappuchino, in another were several bags and boxes full of scary gifts.

As she went deeper and deeper into the epths of the mall, she began to notice that the crowd was thinning. Once she reached the center of the mall, she found it deserted. _What the French toast?_

Something caught her eye, and she noticed the merry-go-round. And its current occupants. _Oh, duh…_

Anakin and Luke, lightsabers ablaze, were gleefully riding on a pink horse and a green dragon, repeating, "And up, and down! And up, and down!"

Wolf grinned and joined them, leaping onto a purple panda and chorusing in, "And up, and down! And up, and down!"

"AHHHHHH!" came a scream. Three heads turned and saw Sirius and Remus fleeing from a certain fat man in a red suit. Sirius was holding a white beard, while shouting, "He's an imposter!"

A few more screams sounded out. Simultaneously, Ferret Boy and Palpy-cakes sprinted awkwardly into the atrium, with Hermione and Ahsoka, respectively, on their heels.

"GIVE ME THE T-SHIRT!!" roared Ahsoka.

"Uhh, hello? Testing, one, two, three…" said a familiar voice with a metallic twinge over the intercom. "This is Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon."

"Hooray!" said Qui-Gon. There was a muffled _oomph, _as Obi-Wan elbowed Qui-Gon in the ribs.

"Anyways," continued Obi-Wan, "I have a little song for you dudes!"

And…

"_I don't want a lot for Christmas _

_There's just one thing I need _

_I don't care about the presents _

_Underneath the Christmas tree _

_I just want you for my own _

_More than you could ever know _

_Make my wish come true _

_All I want for Christmas is... _

_You _

_I don't want a lot for Christmas _

_There's just one thing I need _

_I don't care about the presents _

_Underneath the Christmas tree _

_I don't need to hang my stocking _

_There upon the fireplace _

_Santa Claus won't make me happy _

_With a toy on Christmas day _

_I just want you for my own _

_More than you could ever know _

_Make my wish come true _

_All I want for Christmas is you _

_You baby!"_

Everyone was quite fortunate that Obi-Wan had a pleasant voice, else they would've been deaf by the end of their solo. And they might still go deaf anyways. "My turn!" exclaimed Qui-Gon, "_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick! Wanna take a ride on a disco- _OUCH!"

Obi-Wan had elbowed Qui-Gon in the ribs again.

"Hey, you!" called out another unknown voice, which everyone heard via the intercom.

"It's a security guard!" said Obi-Wan. "RUN!"

Bored out of his mind, Luke asked Wolf, "Where did you go?"

"The pet shop," replied Wolf.

"What did you buy?"

She smiled. "This." She yanked a large cage out of a bag. A brilliant blue and yellow parrot was nestled on a perch.

Luke raised his eyebrows. "Should I ask?"

Wolf laughed to herself. "I bought it for Anakin. Heck, I even taught it a few words."

On cue, the parrot squawked, "Nitwit! Bother! Parallelogram!"

Luke sighed. _Wolf is so weird, _he thought.

Meanwhile, Hermione had successfully hexed Draco into unconsciousness. This definitely ticked off Lucy-Lu, Draco's father.

"That's ENOUGH, Mudblood! Attack her, everyone!"

"_AVADA KEDAVRA, FREAKAS!!!" _yelled out every Death Eater present. Unfortunately for them, though, the spells were deflected…by a blast of cheese, of all things.

"Yes!" came Nemesis's proud voice, "My cheese laser worked!"

"Cheese laser?!" muttered Leia. She shook her head. "Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots."

* * *

A short while later, everyone had returned onto the bus, along with their packages. Lucy-Lu was supporting the younger Malfoy's unconscious body, as was Dooku with Palpy-cakes.

"Well, that was eventful," said Ginny.

"Losers!" said the parrot.

"Who bought anything?" asked Obi-Wan, who had escaped the security guards. Very few people raised their hands. Some were gawking at Nemesis as she dragged her cheese laser on the bus.

"Well, one thing is for sure," said Leia.

"Oh really, your Highnessness?" replied Han, "And what would that be?"

"I never want to hear Qui-Gon sing ever again."

* * *

**Wolf: You know, someone called me graceful today. I started laughing, and she frowned at me. I am the least graceful person you'll ever meet. I knock over store displays!**

**Anakin: Ha ha, you're an idiot!**

**Wolf: Shut up! Oh yeah, review. I want a lot of reviews before I continue! La la la…**


	17. Crazy Caroling

**Wolf: LA LA LA!**

**Palpy-cakes: You're a freak!**

**Wolf: Well, at least I'm not a cross dresser. Now, wait a minute…**

**Palpy-cakes: SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!!!**

**Anakin: (Singsong voice.) Cross dresser! Cross dresser!**

**Wolf: Hee hee hee…oh yeah, I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Phantom of the Opera, Barbie, or any of the songs in this chapter. I did make up my own lyrics to The Twelve Days of Christmas, but I don't own the original song.**

**And by the way, the only character that I know are 100% sane are Leia and Ginny.**

**Chapter Seventeen: Crazy Caroling**

The group of people gathered out in the snow chattered among themselves, confused. Anakin frowned as he turned to Obi-wan. "What the heck is going on?"

Obi-wan shrugged. "I don't know. All Wolf said was for us to gather outside. Which ticks me off. There was this movie on TV!"

"Really?" piqued up Luke. "What was it about?"

Obi-wan smiled. "There was this kid with a laser sword and two robots, and they blew up a space station, man! They blew up a space stashun!" His words were starting to slur. "it was all like, 'Yesh, my mashter. As you wish,' and the evil dude in black-"

"Obi-wan? Are you okay?" Qui-gon frowned, concerned about his Padawan. "You're slurring your speech, and you're talking about Luke and Anakin as if they were in a movie."

Obi-wan just smiled.

"You're drunk," stated Anakin.

"You're sexy!"

Anakin just frowned, and backed away slowly, scared out of his wits.

*Crack!* A figure in black robes and a white mask appeared. Several people screamed at the sight of the Death Eater robes, until said Death Eater shouted, "I'm here! The Phantom of the Opera!"

Harry sighed in relief and picked himself off the ground. "So, whose robes did you steal?"

"These belong to Dirtbag Barbie!" exclaimed Wolf.

"Who?" said Ron, confused.

Wolf sighed. "Lucius Malfoy. Honestly, I need to keep you guys up to date on all fo the pathetic nicknames I have for the evil farters. Anyways, we're going to sing Christmas carols!"

Leia groaned. "Why?"

"Because I said so!" snapped Wolf, as she took of the creepy white mask, leaving only the black robes. "So, what should we sing first?"

"Deck the Halls!"

"Jingle Bells!"

"RUDPOLPH!!!"

Obi-wan and Han began to sing together, _"Oh, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer! Had a very shiny nose!"_

"Like a light bulb!" added Wolf.

"What's a light bulb?" Luke asked,

Everyone except for Wolf, Harry, and Hermione shrugged, for they didn't know what a light bulb was, either. Oh well.

"Stop this stupid nonsense!" growled Snape, annoyed.

Ron jumped about five feet at the snaky sound of the greasy git's voice. "What are you doing here?"

Snape just scowled, while Fred and George began laughing. The idea of Severus Snape singing Christmas Carols was just too hilarious.

"Let's sing Twelve Days of Christmas! NOW! I WANNA SING HAPPY SONGS!!!" shrieked Sirius.

"No!" replied Mace, being as uptight as ever.

*Crack!* Another Death Eater appeared. Han let out a girlish scream and collapsed onto his butt. He glared as everyone cracked up laughing. "Shut up!"

"I'm here!" said another familiar voice. "The Phantom of the-"

WHAM! Wolf punched the unknown figure. "Nemesis! You stole my line!"

Nemesis groaned and snatched the white mask off of her face. "Oh, come on! You already said that?"

"Yeah!"

"WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP?!?!" bellowed an unknown voice. Far above, Boba Fett poked his helmeted head out of a window. The bottom half of his mask was coated with some creamy substance. "I'm trying to shave, you bimbos!"

Ginny shook her head. "Why am I always surrounded by idiots?"

Leia glanced at her. "I know what you mean."

Meanwhile, Wold and Nemesis began to sing:

"_On the first day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me:_

_A crazy authoress with pie!_

_On the second day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me:_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the third day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me:_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the fourth day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the fifth day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the sixth day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Six pathetic troopers_

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the seventh day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Seven angsty Potters_

_Six pathetic troopers_

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the eigth day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Eight murderous Wookies_

_Seven angsty Potters_

_Six pathetic troopers_

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the ninth day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Nine men aflaming_

_Eight murderous Wookies_

_Seven angsty Potters_

_Six pathetic troopers_

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the tenth day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Ten uptight Jedi_

_Nine men aflaming_

_Eight murderous Wookies_

_Seven angsty Potters_

_Six pathetic troopers_

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the eleventh day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me: _

_Eleven rabid fan girls_

_Ten uptight Jedi_

_Nine men aflaming_

_Eight murderous Wookies_

_Seven angsty Potters_

_Six pathetic troopers_

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_And a psycho authoress with pie!_

_On the twelve day of Christmas, my stalker gave to me (Get ready for this one.)__: _

_Twelve racist wizards_

_Eleven rabid fan girls_

_Ten uptight Jedi_

_Nine men aflaming_

_Eight murderous Wookies_

_Seven angsty Potters_

_Six pathetic troopers_

_Five Mary Sues!!!_

_Four retarded Gungans,_

_Three cross dressers,_

_Two perverted Dark Lords,_

_AND A PSYCHO AUTHORESS WITH PIE!!!" _

* * *

Wolf and Nemesis finished. Everyone else was collapsed on the ground, clutching their bleeding ears.

* * *

**Wolf: Yay!**

**Luke: (Holds gauze to ears.) That hurt, you know!**

**Wolf: Do we really have that bad of voices?**

**Luke: …**

**Wolf: Oh, that's it! (Grabs licorice whip and chases Luke.)**

**Luke: AHHHHH!!!**

**Anakin: AHAHAHAHA! Review! Review! Or face the wrath of the chicken zombies!**

**Dirtbag Barbie: I hate my life.**

**Severus:** **Oh, suck it up, Lucius.**


	18. The Great Chocolate Christmas War

**Wolf: You know what I don't get? You could be in a hospital, bleeding from your head, and all the receptionist will do is ask you a bunch of questions!**

**Anakin: Ha! Who did that happen to?**

**Luke: No clue.**

**Sirius: Whoever was bleeding was an idiot, for sure.**

**Wolf: …**

**Nemesis: Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Warriors, Hershey's, Dora the Explorer, Pop-Tarts, 300, Spider-man, Starbucks, Nemesis, or any of the songs in this story!**

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: The Great Chocolate Christmas War**

The good cheer was tangible in the air within the mansion containing Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Warriors characters, along with a few insane authoresses. It was Christmas Eve! It was the one day where Wolf was 100% cheerful and not sarcastic (to most people, anyways).

Harry was grinning ear to ear as he walked into the living room. How his grin stretched from ear to ear, we will never know. Perhaps he has super flexibility, like a superhero. Who made up that stupid expression, anyways?

"Guys! Guess what!" he said to everyone. Wolf, Anakin, Hermione, Sirius, Obi-wan, Luke, Jayfeather, and Yoda all stopped what they were doing and turned to Harry.

"What is it, Harry?" asked Hermione.

Harry held up a humongous Hershey's chocolate bar. It was _huge! "Ron got it for me!" he exclaimed._

"Whoa!" said Anakin. He turned to Luke and sighed. "I wish we had some chocolate."

Luke smiled at his father. "Let's go rob the evil morons of their candy!"

"Heck yeah!" Anakin and Luke were joined by Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Sirius as they left to ambush the villains.

Harry set down his Hershey's bar on the table. He sat down next to Wolf, who was chugging down a frappuchino. "So, what's up?" he asked.

Wolf set down her coffee. "Oh, not much. I just got back from the church Christmas service. Now I need to get myself a caffeine high. My headache is killing me!"

Harry backed away. If Wolf had a headache, then she was bound to get angry. And no one wanted to be anywhere near Wolf when she was angry. Wolf groaned. "Relax, man! I'm only going to hurt you if you do something really bad!"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Define bad."

Wolf began counting off her fingers. "There are five things that I hate passionately: pedophiles, mass murdering evil people, when people steal my candy, bicycles, and when guys hit on me."

These confused Harry. Okay, he understood the first three (He would be furious if someone stole his chocolate bar), but why the other two? "Wolf, why do you hate those things?"

Wolf smiled. "You don't want to know."

Harry got up to leave. He looked to the table where he put his Hershey's bar and hissed. It was GONE! "NOOOOO!"

And so began The Great Chocolate Christmas War.

* * *

"Okay, here's the battle plan," said Anakin to his new army. Nemesis and Luke, his lieutenants, stood at his right. Nemesis was smiling scarily; Luke was frowning.

But before Anakin could continue, something happened that would change their lives.

A loud wailing sound became audible, breaking everyone's eardrums. Luke pressed his hands to his ears. "What the Dark Side is that?!"

"THEY TOOK MY HERSHEY'S! I'LL KILL THEM!"

Sirius peered out into the distance. "Is that…Harry?"

"Oh no," whispered Obi-Wan.

Harry ran into the room, sobbing. "It's…gone…they…took…it!" He collapsed to the ground.

Yoda shook his head. "Bad, this is."

Anakin raised his head into the air. "Okay, that's it! No one gets away with stealing candy! THIS IS WAR!"

"THIS...IS...SPARTA!" added Nemesis.

Obi-wan looked at Nemesis, confused. Everyone else sprinted out the door, weapons raised.

* * *

Palpy-cakes, Dirtbag Barbie (Lucius Malfoy), and Darth Maul were sitting on a couch, watching TV. It turned out there was actually one TV show that would make Darth Maul speak…

"NO, DORA! THE DOOR IS ON THE LEFT! THE LEFT, YOU MORON!" Frustrated at the little girl, he whipped his double-bladed lightsaber at the TV.

"Way to go, you jerk!" said Palpy-cakes, "Now we can't watch anything!"

"WHERE IS IT?!" The doors burst open. Harry Potter stalked in, wand raised dangerously. He looked murderous. "WHERE IS THE CHOCOLATE?!"

All three of the villains glanced at each other nervously. "W-we h-h-have n-n-no clue!" stammered Lucius.

"Liar! _Expelliarmus!"_

Maul's saber went flying out of his hands, just as he was hit in the chest with a Stunning Spell. Dirtbag Barbie also yanked out his wand, but Harry was one step ahead of him. "_Verto donkey!" _This spell also hit its mark, and Lucius Malfoy transformed into a donkey. Which works out juts fine, considering how donkey could also mean a-

"Don't call my bestie that!" Palpy-cakes looked like that rotten, wrinkled, ugly, morbid tomato again! "And I do not look like a tomato!"

"Hey!" said Voldemort, who had appeared out of nowhere. "I'm the only one who can read the filler text, not you! _Crucio!"_

While Palpy-cakes was writhing in agony on the floor from the Cruciatus Curse, He-Who-Has-An-Incredibly-Long-Name disappeared again. Harry approached Dirtbag Barbie, reverted him back to human form, and grabbed the collar of his robes/dress. "Where is it?" he growled.

Malfoy looked terrified. "I don't know!"

"Yes you do!" replied Harry, "You know where it is! _Tell me_"

"Okay, okay!" Dirtbag Barbie held up his hands in fear. "Snape took it!"

Harry brutally tossed the elder Malfoy into the wall, then ran out of the room. Snape was going down!

* * *

Wolf sighed and nibbled on a Pop-Tart. It was Christmas Eve, one of the greatest days of the year, and everyone just _had _to go start a war. Not only that, but Harry went off to who knows where to go demolish a bunch of people. Oh well, not her problem! At least, that's what she thought.

She sighed again. Well, it couldn't get much worse than this…

* * *

"Attack, my army!" Anakin screamed as he dashed at Dooku, Bellatrix, and General Grievous. The villains didn't stand a chance. Luke slashed his lightsaber at Bellatrix, and she was down right away. Sirius hit Grievous with a Petrifying Curse, and then Dooku was the last one standing.

Nemesis laughed. "Oh, this is pathetic. You know, Dooku, seriously, just collapse now. You wouldn't stand a chance anyways." Dooku took her advice and lowered himself to the ground.

It was then Bellatrix did something that for othe people, would seem disturbing. It was disturbing anyways, but in her case, it was almost expected. She started cackling madly with laughter. "I can't believe you fell for it!"

Alarmed but wary, Obi-wan asked, "Fell for what?"

Bellatrix attempted to get up. "This," she gestured at the surrounding area, "was all a trick! And you suckers fell for it! Oh well, have fun burning!" She Apparated away.

"Wait!" called out Grievous.

"Yeah!" said Dooku. "Don't leave us here to die!"

Several things happened at once. The door collapsed upon itself, the widnows all shut themselves from the outside, and the room erupted into flames. Yoda banged on the window, to no avail. "Trapped we are. Die, we will."

Felling very annoyed, Obi-Wan looked for another exit. There! An air vent was directly above him. Smiling to himself, he jumped up and left. Once he escaped, the air vent also was demolished.

"No!" said Luke.

"It's all Obi-Wan's fault!" screeched Anakin. "He's jealous! He's holding me back!"

"Dude," said Sirius, "No one would be jealous of you. Half of your family died. Then you had your limbs chopped off and were lit on fire. Trust me, I feel no envy."

* * *

Wolf was happily skipping along in the snow, whistling "Sleigh Ride" and eating _another _Pop-Tart. Marveling at the awesome taste of artificial strawberry jelly, she briefly wondered where everyone was. A small part of that question was answered as Harry ran past her, shrieking, "DIE, SNAPE, DIE!!!"

She shook her head. "What the--"

Another odd thing happened. This seemed to be the night for weird and random things to happen. As she looked up into the sky, she could faintly see a dark mass floating above her. Smoke! What had everyone done this time? For a second, she laughed at the irony of some other than her or Nemesis causing trouble. Then she Apparated to find the source of the of the smoke.

When she arrived, she was absolutely annoyed. Which a-hole lit a firehouse on fire this time?! How dare they use that irony? Groaning and smacking her forehead, she spun around to leave when a voice screamed out, "Help! I'm stuck in a burning firehouse with NO PIE!"

Wolf paused mid-step. She knew that voice. "Nemesis!" Wolf began to talk to herself. "Should I just leave them to burn, or save them?" The crazy authoress gazed down at her Pop-Tart, shaking her head and raising a finger into the air. "No! I must do this! With great Pop-Tart comes great responsibility!" She rushed into the burning shop.

* * *

Meanwhile, Severus Snape was walking back to the mansion, muttering to himself. He scowled. The nerve of Dumbledore, asking him to dress in bright pink! Even that annoying authoress, Wolf, would've told Dumbledore to go jump off a cliff! Well, it was all over, and nothing else was going to happen. "It's not like some deranged chocoholic is going to ambush me."

He had spoken too soon. Just then. Harry Potter (Who, as a matter of fact, was a deranged chocoholic), darted out of a bush and attacked him, yelling, "_Crucio!" _Snape blocked the spell.

Enraged, Harry screamed, "Give back my chocolate, you coward! GIVE IT BACK!" A jet of red light flew at Snape.

Snape was livid. "DON'T CALL ME COWARD!" Another jet of red light, this one from Snape's wand, soared at Harry.

The battle raged on for at least twenty minutes, until Snape roared, "_Sectumsempra!" _Harry cried out and collapsed to the ground. Snape approached him.

Spitting at the greasy git, all Harry said was, "Why!"

Confused, Snape asked, "What do you mean?"

"You know very well what I mean!" shouted Harry.

"No I don't!" argued Snape.

"Yes you do!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"QUIET, POTTER!"

Harry bit his lip in frustration. "Why did you take my Hershey's bar!"

Horrified by this, Snape replied, "No, Potter! I would never do that!"

"Then who did?" A light bulb appeared over harry's head as the answer came to him. "I KNEW it!" He jabbed his wand at the nearby shed. "Get out of there!"

And the culprit was…

* * *

Wolf aimed her wand at the nearest window. "_REDUCTO!" _It blew itself apart, and she said, "Hey guys! Come on, hurry!"

Nemesis, Anakin, Luke, Yoda, and Sirius all escaped from the burning firehouse.

"Wow," said Luke, gazing at the flames, "this is ironic."

Anakin nodded. "I thought we were going to die!"

Wolf frowned. "So…if I was able to get you guys out with a Reductor Curse, why didn't you just use your lightsabers?"

Everyone looked sheepish.

* * *

"You!" said Harry, pointing at the real thief. He ruffled his hair. "Actually…I feel really stupid for not suspecting you all along."

Old Voldy raised his wand and held it in that hilarious way. Seriosuly, have you noticed the way he holds his wand? It's so retarded!

"It's _not_ retarded!" Oops, forgot that Snakeface could read the text. "And don't call me Snakeface!"

Snape scratched the back of his head. "Who is the dunderhead that is narrating?"

"Beats me," replied Harry. Both of them raised their wands.

"Potter!" hollered Snakeface. He made this odd, strangled hissing sound.

The look on Harry's face transformed from anger to shock. He also let out a series of hisses.

Snape gazed at them, shocked. Yep, Severus Snape was a Parseltongue. It made perfect sense, after all. "What the--"

Crack! Two more people appeared: Wolf and Nemesis. "Hi, Severus!" said Wolf. Then she looked at Harry and Snakeface and drew an intake of breath. "HOLY SNOT!"

"You understand Parseltongue?" queried Snape. Wolf nodded.

Nemesis, also comprehending the hissing, only gaped. Wolf just said, "Wow...They're cussing each other out. I didn't even know those words existed! How awful!"

After a short while, the hissing ended, and Harry turned to the other three people. "Shall we?" They nodded.

"_Stupefy!" _All four spells hit Snakeface dead-on, and he collapsed to the ground unconscious. Ding dong, the witch was dead! Okay, not dead, unconscious, whatever.

Harry, Snape, Wolf, and Nemesis walked away from Snakeface. And so ended The Great Chocolate Christmas War.

* * *

**Wolf: So I was typing this last night. Then I went to watch a new episode of my favorite TV show, and I got a really bad fever out of nowhere! And it disappeared this morning! How weird!**

**Luke: Dude, that stinks.**

**Harry: (Hides from Nemesis.)**

**Nemesis: DON'T CUSS!**

**Wolf: I feel bad. I've been neglecting two of my favorite characters: R2-D2 and Boba Fett! So be prepared for them to get a lot more screen time! Oh yeah, delicious cookies to all of my amazing reviewers! You guys are like the Pop to my Tart…or something like that. Please review!**


	19. The Insanity Potion: Part One

**Wolf: Sorry about the wait! Stupid finals! Anyways, I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Wendy's, The Terminator, Chef Boyardee, Pirates of the Caribbean, Indiana Jones, Fairly Odd Parents, the Free Credit Report Dot Com songs, Nemesis, Blaze, Darth Sugar, Amarwen, or any of the other songs in this chapter.**

**Thoughts are in **_italics, _**along with the opening text.**

**Written words are in **'_one quotations and italics.'_

**Songs are in **"_quotation marks and italics."_

**Chapter Nineteen- The Insanity Potion: Part One**

* * *

_A not so long time ago, when Wendy's meals weren't $2.99..._

A loud, epic tune began to play.

_Craziness, Candy, Jedi Knights, and WHAT!_

_Episode XVIII_

_The Insanity Potion_

_It is a weird time for the residents of Wolf's Home for Fictional Characters. Although The Great Chocolate Christmas War has ended, Wolf and Nemesis are still annoying the heck out of everyone. Palpy-cakes, being as stupid as ever, decided he wants to screw the Rule of Two and make them both his apprentices. But you know this story._

_What you may or may not know is that holding in an excessive amount of farts can poison your blood and kill you. How whacked is that? The girly girls are probably saying, "Eww, that's nasty." It isn't nasty, it's the dang truth! People need to be aware of this stuff! Do you dudes want to die a painful death? This info could save your lives!_

_I wouldn't hold in my farts. And Wolf rarely does. Trust me, when she gets indigestion, it's like someone set off a bomb. Yuck! Do NOT let that girl eat beans. You won't survive to tell the tale Unless you're me, but that's a different story. But listen to me, everyone. This is an important medical message! Fart, if only for the sake of your circulatory system! If it helps, call it whatever you want. Pass gas, break wind, etc. My personal favorite is cut the cheese._

_Another thing: Can Jedi use the Force to amplify their farts? I could just see it now: Luke turning around and repelling a Star Destroyer backwards by blowing a big one. ROTFL! Am I disgusting you? If so, then I'm doing my job. But forget this, let's just get on to the story…_

* * *

"All right, which one of you dunderheads dressed me up this time?!" shrieked Palpy-cakes. Once again, he was dressed in a red bikini, makeup, a blond wig, fishnet tights, and black stilettos.

"We did!" replied Wolf. "Crazy Authoress Choir, assemble!" Nemesis appeared, along with the newcomers: Blaze, Amarwen, and Darth Sugar. They lined up and began to sing:

"_Ah, ah! Dude looks like a lady! Ah, ah! Dude looks like a lady! Ah, ah! Dude looks like a lady! Ah, ah! Dude looks like a lady!!!"_

"YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT NOW!" He began rubbing his feet on the carpet. You see, in order to shoot lightning out of his fingertips, he had to gather up static electricity. Star Wars, meet modern science!

The insane authoresses all just laughed and began to torture Palpy-cakes. Or, at least, most of them did. Wolf walked away.

Despite what everyone saw, Wolf wasn't entirely insane…no, forget that, she was crazy anyways. Still, she was incredibly hyperactive, almost to a point of it being ADHD. Heck, she could have ADHD, for all we know. The poor kid had this awful twitch (To a point of that being one of her nicknames.) Don't get me wrong, she was definitely crazy, but it wasn't a bad kind of crazy.

She peeked her head into the doorway of the laboratory, humming the Free Credit Report Dot Com song. Severus Snape was in there, a cauldron before him. Beside him was Anakin.

Two of her favorite characters! She skipped up to them, since Jay "Wolf" "Twitch" Bluestreak never simply walked. Skipping was just happy and crazy, and she wouldn't have it any other way. "Hi, guys! What's up!"

Anakin and Severus glanced at Wolf. Happily skipping along, blond hair flailing along, weird eyes glinting with something akin to madness…how terrifying. "Hello, Wolf!" Anakin replied. "I am feeling self-conscious about the way my pee smells."

Wolf frowned at him. "Did you eat salmon? Because this one time I ate a ton of salmon. Then my pee smelled nasty."

Anakin grinned. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Instead of letting Wolf answer, he ran off to the bathroom. Typical men with their testosterone, thinking with their bladders.

She really doubted that Anakin had been thinking the same thing as her. After all, her thoughts had been focused on spoons and jelly. So Wolf began chatting with Severus, who had returned to his potion. "So, what's up with you?"

He jerked his head in her direction. "I'm working on an Insanity Potion. Anyone who drinks it will be induced into a mental stage of pure pandemonium. The so-called Dark Lord insisted upon it." He scowled at the mention of Moldy Voldy Volderina. Yes, his name has been expanded! Mwuahahaha!

Wolf grinned. She liked the sound of this. "Really? So, if I drank it-"

"It would possibly kill you, or cause you to go brain dead," Severus cut her off. Wolf gulped. Going brain dead would not be fun at all. "so I sugegst you stay away from this, do you hear me?" The hyperactive authoress nodded. Darn it all! There went her plan!

They chatted for a while longer, then Wolf left to go eat some amazing pie. It didn't take too long for Severus to finish the potion. It was very thin, smelled vile, and was a sickly orange color. Severus crinkled his abnormally large, hooked nose up in disgust. Normally he enjoyed brewing potions, but this one was just...repulsive. I, for one, agree again. It looked like that awful cough syrup Wolf gagged on the other day.

With a last glance, Severus left the lab. He would bottle the potion later.

* * *

Han slammed the door of the lab, muttering to himself. Luke, Anakin, and Obi-wan just _had _to go and get sick at the same krething time! Unbelievable! And they probably weren't the only ones. Harry had been hacking up a lung earlier that day. Han had just been the only one available who could go and get cough syrup.

Han searched the lab, upturning cauldrons and siphons in the process. Where was-oh, there was some! Han picked up a ladle and began scooping the absurdly bright orange liquid into a bottle. He sniffed. Force, the stuff stank! He hoped it wouldn't make them gag.

* * *

Palpy-cakes shuffled across the diner and took a seat in a booth. He huffed. He couldn't find Wolf or Nemesis anywhere. If only Palpy-cakes could find one of them. And, right on cue (These cues are starting to become quite irritating), Nemesis pushed open the door of the diner.

"Come to the Dark Side, Nemesis!" he shouted.

Nemesis raise done eyebrow. "Now, now, Palpy-cakes, is that really how you greet someone? Whatever happened to a simple hello?" She reached behind her, presumably to reach for that terrifying pitchfork of hers.

Palpy-cakes raised up his hands in a defensive gesture. "What a second! Hold up! Think about it. The Dark Side has cookies! And muffins! And brownies!"

"Are the brownies 'special brownies?'"

"I'm not so-wait, what?!"

Nemesis sighed. "If you don't know what a special brownie is, you're either pathetic or you're a child under the age of ten. Seeing how you look to be somewhere around one hundred and four (and therefore, you can't be a child), you're definitely pathetic."

At that moment, Wolf walked- sorry, skipped in. Immediately, she said, "Nemesis, is Palpy-cakes giving you trouble?"

"Come to the Dark Side, Wolf! And DON'T call me Palpy-cakes!"

Nemesis ignored the evil dunderhead. "Yeah, pretty much."

Wolf grinned darkly and said in a deep, foreign, metallic voice, "I'll be back. Terminator, out." She disappeared.

This was worrying enough for old Palpy-cakes, without Nemesis yanking out her pitchfork. "Eat this, Palpy-cakes!" She impaled him in the butt with the pitchfork. An electric shock zapped painfully through his flabby body. "HOLY PORKRINDS!"

Nemesis smiled. "I got a tazer function installed into my pitchfork!"

Palpy-cakes clutched his lightsaber, enraged. "YOU EVIL LITTLE-"

"OH, YO HO, YO HO! A PIRATE'S LIFE'S FOR ME!" Nemesis and Palpy-cakes turned around to see the source of the disturbance. Luke and Anakin were skipping (Much like Wolf) along, happily licking lemon lollipops (The authoress insisted that alliterations were to be added into the story.)

A faint whistling noise could be heard. Palpy-cakes glanced around in confusion. "What the-"

That was all he said before he was hit by a giant wrecking ball. WHAM!

Wolf appeared again and jabbed her wand at Palpy-cakes. "And there is our answer to your offer for the Dark Side- NO! And it'll always be a no. You honestly think that evil, murder, and villainy is the answer to the world's problems? You're wrong. Though the temptation is strong, we should always overcome it and stand by our beliefs in good and light."

"Wow, Wolf," said Leia, while Palpy-cakes let out a faint groan of agony. "That was pretty deep."

"I LIKE TACOS!"

Leia sighed. "Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots." She walked away.

"Where's she going?" Luke asked.

"Probably to make out with her boyfriend," replied Anakin, completely unconcerned about his daughter.

"I want a cupcake," said Obi-wan, who had appeared out of nowhere.

Wolf just blinked. "Cupcakes are just gay muffins. How many times do I have to tell people this?"

"You just ate a cupcake yesterday!" growled Obi-wan defensively.

"Well...err...Narrator, help me!" Wolf, actually asking someone for help? Impossible! That girl is the most stubborn pain the butt in existence. And I couldn't help, I've already taken too much screen time. Right, reviewers?

"NO SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING!" screamed Nemesis. Whatever.

Yoda hobbled in with his gimer stick. "Hello everybody! I was just playing Guitar Hero earlier, after Captain Solo gave me that vile cough syrup. How awful!"

Everyone gaped. "What?" Yoda asked, confused.

"You..." said Luke, "just spoke with proper grammar."

"Of course I did, you nincompoop! What am I, an old, green, midget troll?" No response to that remark.

* * *

He glided through the air with the greatest of ease. A crack of his bullwhip, and enemies were downed like the loser they were. Fedora secured upon his head, he hunted for treasure. He was Indiana Jones...and he had no idea why that dark-haired chick (who was quite hot) insisted on calling him Han Solo!

"Han, get down from there!" commanded the bossy dark-haired girl.

"Never!" he replied, hanging on to a ceiling lamp, looking out to the distance. "There's treasure to be found! I must discover the Crystal Skull!"

"What's the Crystal Skull?" asked a man Indy was positive went by the name Qui-gon Jinn. How he knew this, he had no idea. Indy had never met the dude in his life!

"It's a skull made of crystal," he retorted. "Duh."

Suddenly, the room went dark. Every single Harry Potter and Star Wars characters, along with the crazy authoresses, turned to face a disturbing sight. Harry Potter was clothed in a backwards crimson baseball cap, baggy jeans, and a LOT of shiny objects. Wolf was having a heyday over the distracting items, and kept moving her head back and forth, so the light would catch on the silver and gold. "Hit it, Ronizzle!" Harry yelled into a microphone.

Ron, dressed similar to Harry, was standing behind a disc jockey. He began scratching on a record. A disco ball descended form the ceiling, and lights began dancing on the wall as Harry rapped.

_"Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm_

_I got the right temperature fi shelter you from the storm!"_

"MAKE IT STOP!" shrieked Hermione. She shoved her socks into Harry's mouth, stopping the racket. Thank goodness!

Han, still believing he was Indiana Jones, stole the mike. "This one is for my one true love...Chef Boyardee!"

Leia glared at Han...sorry, Indiana, while he began his serenade.

"_You're beautiful!_

_You're beautiful!_

_You're beautiful, it's true!_

_I saw your face_

_In a crowded place_

_And I don't know what to do_

_Because I can't be here with you!"_

Han hadn't had any of the Insanity Potion.

"Captain Solo, you have to calm down," said Mace.

Instead of calming down, Indy engulfed Mace in a great, big hug.

"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!" Mace shrieked like a banshee. Fleeing from Indiana...or Han....he hid away.

Remus Lupin burst through the double doors. "What happened? I heard a girlish scream."

Wolf decided to explain. "Oh, Hug Man decided to give Mace here the old Wookie hug. He was like," she adjusted her voice to be high, soft, and mocking, as she sang, "_I wanna know what love is!"_

"Shut your mouth!" said Mace. "That was humiliating! I WANT MY MOMMY! THE MEANIE SOLO TRIED TO TOUCH ME!"

"Oh, grow you, you wuss!" said Nemesis.

"Yes, Master Windu!" jeered Palpy-cakes. He was fully conscious again, and was suffering from internal bleeding. But healing could wait, insults were much more important...what an imbecile. "Get up, you bleeding scumbag!"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, PALPY-CAKES!" roared Hermione. She swished and flickered her wand_. "Incendio!" _Instantly, Palpy-cakes was aflame. Darth Plagieus had never taught him to Stop, Drop, and Roll. Ha! Go Hermione!

"Now you know how I feel!" said Anakin.

"WE GET IT!"

As Palpy-cakes ran amuck, black cloak smoking from the fire, Draco Malfoy scwoled. "Oh, brilliant, Granger. Filthy Mudblood!"

"Shut up, Ferret Boy!" ordered Wolf.

"Make me, Goldilocks!" he shot back.

Wolf flushed. Her fists clenched, and her teeth gritted together as she growled, "What did you call me?!" She HATED when people called her a dumb blond. Or made any references to her being blond. And considering Draco's platinum hair, it was like the fruitcake calling the cupcake gay.

Draco had told her to make him shut up. So she did. "_Silencio!" _Draco opened his mouth to whine and complain, but no sound came out. Wolf wasn't finished. "Expelliarmus! _Stupefy! Incarcenus! Sectum-"_

"ENOUGH!" screamed a voice. Wolf soon found herself pinned to a wall by one Severus Snape. He hissed into her ear. "You idiot!"

"What did I do?" asked Wolf, annoyed and bamboozled.

"You gave everyone the Insanity Potion! I went into my lab, and it was all missing!"

Wolf, thinking over the events of that day, began to realize Snape-a-doodle was right. Usually it was only her, Nemesis, and sometimes Anakin, Luke, and Sirius who were completely insane. But, come on! Yoda would never talk with proper grammar. "I solemnly swear I didn't tell a soul, honestly!"

Severus groaned. Wolf wasn't lying. That girl hardly ever lied. She hated lying. "Very well."

"However," interjected Mace, who was being very strict, "I believe punishment is in order. Due to Wolf's attempted use of Dark Magic, I think a visit to the Funbox is in order."

Wolf's face screwed up in horror. "NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

And before anyone could interfere, Wolf was dragged to her impending doom at the Funbox, leaving Severus Snape to discover the cure for the insanity, and the others to lose their minds.

* * *

**Wolf: Who here thinks the Narrator is awesome? Because I do! And she isn't me, for those of you who are wondering. So anyways, I have decided to start a House Cup for the readers and reviewers! In your review, state whether you are a Gryffindor, Ravenclaw,Hufflepuff, or Slytherin**.** If you don't read or watch Harry Potter, state whether you are a member of the Jedi Order or the Sith Order.**

**Five points go to anyone who says what their favorite quote from the entire story is! And ten points go to whoever can discover the very, very slight Transformers reference (Hint: It's not from the movies.)**

**And a whopping fifteen points go to whoever can guess what Anakin was planning at the beginning of the chapter!**


	20. The Insanity Potion: Part Two

**Wolf: I am SO sorry this took so long! Anyways, at a Girl Scouts meeting (Yes, I'm a Girl Scout. Not one of those stereotypical, lame, wussy ones, mind you. I'm one owning Scout! Buy my cookies or I beat you!) we did this thing where everyone wrote down compliments and constructive criticism for each girl. Of the twelve girls who wrote stuff for me, six wrote "crazy";one wrote "comedic";one wrote "sarcastic";another wrote "funny";one wrote "sugar high"; one wrote "fouls a lot in basketball"; and one wrote "crazy ninja". Guess which one was from myself?**

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars**_**, **_**Harry Potter, Indiana Jones**_**, **_**Batman, **_**Spider-man, ****Youtube, Potter Puppet Pals, Llamas with Hats, Pringles, Crest toothpaste, Snapple, Fred, Twilight, Charlie the Unicorn, Starbucks, **_**Fairly-Odd Parents**_**, Wal-Mart, **_**The Terminator**_**, **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, the Dogs Playing Poker portraits, Whitney Houston, or any of the songs mentioned in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty- The Insanity Potion: Part Two**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were arguing about the all-time most epic Youtube videos.

"Charlie the Unicorn is the greatest!" exclaimed Harry.

"No!" responded an indignant Ron. "Fred is the man!"

Hermione shook her head. "I believe Llamas with Hats is the coolest!"

"You're all wrong!" said a high, cold voice. Lord Voldy himself strutted up to the trio, eating some nachos. Did he really care that he was talking to Harry Potter, his arch nemesis? No, sir! "Potter Puppet Pals is the best. Especially The Mysterious Ticking Noise. I kill you guys in that one." He _finally _comprehended just who he was speaking to. "POTTER!" He twirled his wand in a creepy, feminine fashion. "_AVADA_-"

"_Imperio!" _Voldy's eyes snapped out of focus. He stumbled slightly, revealing Nemesis, Wolf's Randawan Kattie, Sirius Black, and Blaze. All four of them had cast the Imperius Curse at once, which ensured that Voldy was under their control. Oh, dear.

"Dibs!" Nemesis called out, much to everyone else's disappointment. Well, she had to say it before everyone else! Voldy's clothes were transfigured into a sports bra and _really _short shorts.

Everyone shrieked in horror and a select few even upchucked the fried chicken they had for lunch while Voldy sang, "Who wears short shorts? I wear short shorts!" And thus Lord Voldemort became forever known as Voldyshort Shorts.

Blaze went next. Voldyshort Shorts started doing the cancan while reciting "The Pledge of Allegiance". Then Sirius had him leap out a window.

"Why did you do that?!" Amarwen said angrily. "I didn't get to do ANYTHING!"

Sirius gulped. "Uhh..." The truth is, Sirius had no excuse. Fortunately for him (but unfortunately for us), he was saved from Amarwen's wrath by a loud scream of terror.

"What the-" everyone said simultaneously. Anakin, Luke, and Obi-Wan came in, holding a squirming, whimpering Wolf between the three of them. As soon as they dropped her, Wolf promptly hid in a corner. Well, she tried to anyways. But the room was round, so there were no corners! Dun, dun, dun! So Wolf crumpled to a ball instead.

"Wookie turds, Wolf! What happened?" questioned Nemesis, fearful for her deranged partner in crime.

Wolf was muttering a disturbing tune. "Funbox, oh Funbox! Small and square and dark! Funbox, oh Funbox! Check out these cool fun locks!"

Poor Wolf. She had just as many bad memories as good. Wasn't that just peachy? Nemesis, realizing that an Emo Wolf was just as bad as the usual Wolf (if not WORSE), handed Wolf a chocolate bar. Come to think of it, Emo was just an abbreviation of emotional, so most teenage girls could be considered Emo. How whacked is that?

Wolf...err, wolfed down the chocolate bar. See, when girls get upset, they eat chocolate. When guys get upset, they start wars. Then again, Wolf started a war once and she's not a guy, but that's another story for another time.

"Come along, Luke!" said Anakin, "We must be off on our epic quest to conquer Wal-Mart!"

"You're right, Dad!" replied Luke. He turned to speak to Obi-Wan and said in a deep, odd, and absolutely hysterical voice, "I'll be back." Father and son promptly skipped merrily into the distance.

As soon as they left, Palpy-cakes entered in a wheelchair. He was still recovering from the..._mishap _with the wrecking ball. Ha, ha.

"You!" growled Nemesis, raising her pitchfork high in a fit of anger, causing Palpy-cakes to gulp in dread.

Wolf took no notice of anything. She rocked back and forth, repeatedly muttering "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto!"

The next few things took almost everyone by surprise. Everyone except me, that is. After all, I know everything. Mwuahahaha!

First off, Luna Lovegood waltzed into the doorway. To Wolf, Luna wasn't any old fictional character. No, she was one of the coolest people EVER! Luna was...weird. But that's why Wolf liked the crazy, insane, blonde-haired blue-eyed lunatic...please ignore the pun.

As soon as Luna skipped in, Wolf snapped out of her Emo state and reverted back to her crazy state instead. Shrieking like a straight guy when confronted by the Jonas Brothers, she used nonverbal and wandless magic to light Palpy-cakes aflame.

Obi-Wan smiled darkly before singing, "Somebody call 9-1-1! Palpy fire burning on the dance floor! Whoa!"

Wolf, not giving a crap about Palpy-cakes' predicament, started chatting up a storm with Luna. "Hi, Luna!"

Luna smiled dreamily. "Hello, Wolf! The others were drinking this weird cough syrup." The Ravenclaw's face became serious. "I didn't take any. Not only do I not have a cough, but I knew it was all part of the Fleshrot Conspiracy. The Empire is attempting to control everyone's minds by taking advantage of the flu season. Soon they'll attempt to convert everyone to the Dark Side."

"Or maybe it's a plot to distract us from our Pringles!" Wolf shouted with pure horror. "Come, Luna, let us save our junk food!"

They turned to leave but the doors slammed shut. All lights were shut off, leaving the still aflame Palpy-cakes as the only renaming light source. The overall effect made Wolf want to sit around him and belt out some campfire songs, but she held back as a croaky voice screeched, "Are you ready to ROCK?!" Everyone that currently was within the mansion was beamed into the room. Only Anakin, Luke, and Severus Snape were absent.

"Who dared to interrupt my crusade?" demanded Han Solo/Indiana Jones. "I was freeing thousand of enslaved children!"

"No one cares about the children!" hollered Sirius, initiating several gasps. Before anyone could brutally maul Sirius for his cruelty, Yoda's voice drowned out all other actions. Who would've thought Yoda could sing?

"I WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE...AND PARTY EVERY DAY! WE LOVE YOU ALL! GOOD NIGHT!" Yoda soared of the stage and was caught by many adoring fans. Chewbacca followed, but everyone cleared away from his colossal mass. He ended up smashing into Wolf and Luna, and they plummeted through the floorboards.

After a free fall through five floors they arrived in the basement. The trio sat up and were dusting the debris off their clothing/fur when Wolf noticed something strange and shocking. "Anakin? Luke?"

Anakin and Luke, back from their Wal-Mart quest, were seating at a round table with several dogs. "Quiet, you three! Can't you see we're having a poker game?"

"Hey, Dad," said Luke, "do you remember what Leia always nags you for?"

Anakin frowned. "Not flushing the toilet?"

"Royally!" Luke threw down his hand, revealing his royal flush. "Kiss my Jedi butt!"

The dogs all barked furiously. And Anakin was ticked. "Oh no you didn't, you little-" Anakin and Luke began dueling. Which, in turn, caused the dogs to become riled up and have a massive dog pile (Look! Another bad pun! How awful), Chewbacca to join in, and Wolf and Luna to smile cheesily and back outside slowly.

* * *

The Imperial March played as one Severus Snape billowed to the laboratory. Black hair, black eyes, black robes...pretty much a pillar of darkness. Except for the pale skin. That guy could pass for an awesome and terrifying vampire. Not a gay sparkly vampire, mind you. A _pimp _vampire. Suck on that, Edward Cullen.

"Would you turn that racket off?!" Sev bellowed to the ceiling. "And don't call me Sev!"

Tsk, tsk. Sev still thought that my narration originate from the ceiling. Well, he's wrong, so shame on him! And there are _way _more humiliating theme songs than "The Imperial March".

"I don't care! Turn it off."

Oh, he SO asked for it.

"_I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other fellas can't deny! When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste and a round thing in yo' face you get-"_

"I ORDER YOU TO STOP!"

"_You are the dancing queen! Young and sweet, ONLY SEVENTEEN!" _

Sev whipped out his wand. "This is your last warning! HOW MANY CRUCIATUS CURSES ARE YOU ASKING FOR!?"

"_Snapalicious, definition: make Gryffindors loco! They want my-"_

"I UNDERSTAND! NOW WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!" broke in another voice. This was the day for interruptions, people! Sev spun around and spotted Wolf, all alone. The music ceased immediately. Wolf sighed and studied a sinister looking jar of eyeballs hanging from the ceiling, memories of the joyous time in the Funbox still haunting her spirit. No one else should suffer that day...unless they deserved it. For example, Palpy-cakes!

Sev looked shrewdly at Wolf, suspicious. "How did you stop the music?"

In a bothersome way (Bother! Bother! Eat that, Sev), Wolf burst into a laughing fit. Sev rolled his eyes at the giggling teenager. "Are you going to explain to me your ability or will I just stand here and watch you laugh idiotically all day?"

Wolf wiped hysterical tears out of her eyes. "Sorry, the voice isn't supposed to target you."

Sev groaned. "Of course. You're the narrator."

Wolf shook her head and did an impressive impression of Obi-Wan. "It all depends on your point of view. The narrator, also known as Flow, is a figment of my imagination that helps me keep everyone in line. She's pretty much a voice inside my head. Or maybe she's an aspect of my personality..."

"You are even more insane than I realized. You have voices in your head?"

"Doesn't everybody?" said Blaze, who had just entered the lab with Nemesis and Kattie. "Hello, Snapple!"

Sev glowered at the newcomers. _I'm getting too old to deal with psychotic teenagers..._

Wolf rolled her eyes at Sev. "Dude, there's no way you're too old for this. You only, like, thirty-five!" Sev opened his mouth to reply but Wolf cut him off. "And yes, I can read minds without casting Legilimens. It's a Jedi thing, and is useful unless the person is fantasizing about gay sparkly vampires."

Nemesis snickered, agreeing with Wolf. Blaze and Kattie frowned, unsure whether to laugh or be annoyed by the twilight bashing. It's so crappy the title doesn't even get capitalized! Mwuahahaha!

"Vex!" cried out a creepy voice. "Darth Vex! Where are you, my apprentice?"

Blaze, Kattie, and Nemesis searched for the voice's source, puzzled. Wolf and Sev moaned, vexed (Yet another pun! These things just keep popping up), for they knew just who the heck Darth Vex was. A scorched Palpy-cakes wheeled himself through the double doors and smiled. Once again everyone was faced with the disgusting yellow teeth and black gums. Sheesh, hadn't this wrinkled corpse ever heard of dental care? Get a toothbrush, man! Some Crest wouldn't hurt, either!

_Nice one, _Wolf thought to Flow. Wolf had decided against mentioning that Flow was just Wolf backwards. Knowing Sev, he probably would figure it out anyways. Smart bugger.

"Ah, there you are!" said Palpy-cakes to Wolf. He brushed past Sev to reach the insane, crazy, psychotic, mental, demented, deranged, hyperactive, bizarre, unusual, weird, odd, strange, wacky, schizoid, unbalanced, cracked, batty, barmy, cuckoo, loco, berserk, bonkers, erratic, freaky, kooky, maniacal, screwball, unhinged, silly, nutty authoresses. Before he could get close, though, his wheelchair flipped, revealing his purple thong underneath. Everyone began gagging.

"Eww!" said Nemesis. "I did NOT need to see that!"

"That is so WRONG!" cried Blaze.

"I'm going to upchuck my pie!" exclaimed Kattie.

"My sentiments exactly," muttered Sev.

You took the words right out of my narration, guys.

Palpy-cakes attempted to sit up again, oblivious to the others' horror. "Hello, my apprentices."

Wolf smacked her forehead. "I'm not joining the Dark Side, Palpy-cakes."

Nemesis snickered again. "So you're Darth Vex? Wow, Sith names are getting crappier and crappier."

Wolf looked indignant. "I told Palpy-cakes I wanted to be Darth Electric Sparky Spark!"

"Show your master some more respect!" snarled Palpy-cakes.

Kattie sniffed. "Does anyone else smell salmon?"

Kattie's senses were correct. The place REEKED. Palpy-cakes hissed. "THAT is my new perfume! An anonymous admirer sent it to me! Everyone also received this orange cough syrup, which we immediately drank."

Sev sneered at the dunderhead. _I need to discover the cure to this idiocy, _he thought, before Apparating away.

Meanwhile, Wolf was attempting to remember where she had inhaled that dreadful stench before. Then, after much thought, it finally occurred to her....

Nemesis, Kattie, and Blaze all jumped in shock as Wolf collapsed to the floor, "Dang it, Master Wolf! What's up now?"

"AHAHAHAHA!" Wolf yelped, "OH MY CHEESE DOODLES, THE PERFUME IS ANAKIN'S PEE!"

All the insane, crazy, psychotic, mental, demented...you know, authoresses fell, tears of mirth dripping to the floor.

"ENOUGH!" howled an enraged Palpy-cakes. Darth Maul, Count Dooku, Asajj Ventress, Lumiya, General Grievous, Darth Caedus, Alema Rar, Darth Bane, Darth Zannah, Darth Revan, Darth Malak, and hundreds of stormtroopers appeared, armed and not really dangerous. "SEIZE THEM!"

Nemesis, Kattie, and Blaze all ignited their lightsabers. Nemesis's and Kattie's were brilliant green; Blaze's was silver. Wolf didn't activate hers right away. "Face the doom of my new and improved lightsaber!" She held the lustrous black handle high above her head, pressed the activation button and...absolutely no reaction. Oh, joy. Dun, dun, dun...

Nemesis sighed in exasparation. "Is your lightsaber dead again?"

Wolf nodded, annoyed with herself. Who knew you could get on your own nerves? "Yeah. Do you have batteries?"

"I remembered thirty-eight triple A's!"

"But this lightsaber requires thirty-nine!"

"DANG!" Nemesis ducked to avoid a lightsaber blow. The brawl lasted only five minutes. I'll let you figure out the obvious victors.

* * *

Harry galloped across the vast lawn, cheerily munching on a chocolate bar. This was no ordinary chocolate bar. No, this chocolate had started the Great Chocolate Christmas War! Voldemort was now higher up on his hit list than before.

Harry suddenly felt a tingling sensation in his scar and pressed a palm to his forehead. "My Voldie senses are tingling!" He scanned the surrounding area, but Voldyshort Shorts was nowhere to be found. Then why was his scar prickling? There had to-

"Attention everyone!" Voldemort's voice issued from a speaker. Elsewhere, everyone was listening to the same announcement. "This song is dedicated to one Harry Potter!"

Harry's blood turned to ice.

"AND IIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOUUUU!" Three questions: Who was this guy? What had he done with the real Voldemort? And why in the name of Dumbledore's poo was he singing a Whitney Houston song?

Harry only knew one thing: Voldyshort Shorts was going down.

* * *

Sev Apparated directly into the library. Just how many of those lunatics had drunk the Insanity Potion? Now it was up to him to clean up their horrendous mess. For starts he'd look up all the side effects of the potion. And maybe he'd think about accepting his new moniker. Right, Sev?

"I don't think so, dunderhead."

Darn Sev and his ability to see my narration! I swear that man is gifted. Only a select handful of humans/animals/bacteria could read this stuff. Oh well, who honestly cares? Back to the story! Sev picked up the potions manual conveniently placed upon a desk in the center of the gigundo library. Glancing over its contents, Sev spotted nothing out of the ordinary. He flipped to the next page, 396. Again, nothing he didn't already know. He flipped back to page 393. _Wait a minute, _he thought to himself, _where are pages 394 and 395? _The pages must've been stuck together! Groaning at his own idiocy (and we thought the others were dumb), he pried the pages apart.

One glance at page 394 told him enough: Everyone would die if this wasn't cured soon. And there weren't many cures...

He Apparated to find Wolf and the authoresses- and teleported directly into a war zone. Everyone he had met at this infernal place--and some he hadn't--was currently involved in one of the most brutal battles all humans/animals/bacteria would ever witness. Count Dooku had locked sabers with Obi-Wan Kenobi; Fred and George Weasley (who didn't seem to have drunk the potion) were dueling side-by-side with Nemesis; Luke Skywalker, cackling like a maniac, was slicing at Lucius Malfoy.

Perhaps the largest spectacle of all was Harry Potter beating Voldemort...err, Voldyshort Shorts with the sword of Godric Gryffindor. Potter had wanted revenge, and he was getting it! Yeah, let's take our aggression out on the lizard man!

"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!" roared Wolf, as she shot a rapid fire of hexes at Draco Malfoy. And just why was Draco chasing after Wolf? Allow me to explain. Back in one of Nemesis's therapy classes, Wolf had discovered she had a secret admirer. And that secret admirer happened to be Draco. Earlier on, during the Great Chocolate Christmas War, Wolf had mentioned that guys hitting on her was one of her pet peeves. This didn't spell well for Draco.

Fortunately for him (but unfortunately for Wolf), Wolf's lightsaber was still malfunctioning. Solely relying on spells, she had to fight off Ferret Boy. Which, all in all, wasn't that hard.

BANG! Another hex collided with the Fantastic Flying Ferret. He smacke dinto the wall, and Kattie stepped into view, Blaze at her side.

"Thank the Force!" cried Wolf. "You guys can help us!"

Blaze looked thoughtful for a second, then shook her head. "Screw this, I'm off to Starbucks. Care to join me, Kattie?" They both Disapparated.

* * *

_Far away at Starbucks..._

"Wolf is so going to murder me later," Kattie muttered to Blaze as they waited in line.

Blaze waved her hand. "Nah, she'll just get really P.O." The pair moved up to the register. "Hi, can we have everything of everything?"

The cashier raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

Blaze grinned. "You know, everything you have. We want it all. GIVE US THE COFFEE!" She pressed her lightsaber to the boy's throat.

The cashier just chuckled. "Oh, you girls and your silly antics."

Kattie smiled. "I wouldn't say that if I were you." She also pulled out her lightsaber. "NOW JUST SERVE US ALREADY!"

"YEAH!" added Blaze. "I don't care if you're smoking hot, even though you are-" The cashier scratched his head awkwardly at this-"I WANT MY COFFEE!"

The boy nodded, all the while peeing his pants in terror. "Right away, I'll get everything we have."

Blaze and Kattie nodded, all the while getting high off the scent of coffee.

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

Wolf rubbed a hand across her face. "This is the worst day ever."

Luna raised her eyebrows. "You aren't enjoying their insanity?"

"I was at first, but now they're evil! They stole my Pringles! I knew they would do it!"

"It's the Nargles."

"Sure it is," said Nemesis, who was peeking her head out of their hiding spot. Seeing no one, she shut the door. "All right, Snape, tell us the details. What the French toast is going on?"

Wolf, Nemesis, Sevvy-kins (Well he said he didn't want to be Sev), Fred, George, and Luna were all cramped into one weensy toilet stall. Leia, Ginny, and Han were the only others who hadn't taken the Insanity Potion, but Leia and Ginny had been held up by the psychopaths. Han was off on another crusade. Hopefully it would be his last. See, The Last Crusade? A little geek humor for you!

Sevvy-kins snarled, "Stop calling me that!" Crap in a hat, that was annoying. "Anyways," he continued, "the Insanity Potions has some long-term effects. Not only will the victim stay insane unless cured, they will either enter a catatonic state or become evil. It's also quiet possible that their entrails will pour out of their mouths, or they could have brains ooze from their ears."

Nemesis gulped. "Well that doesn't sound very pretty."

"No."

"So," said Luna, "we need a place to regroup, correct?"

Wolf expression brightened. "I know just the place! Quick, to the Batcave!"

Pressing a button next to the toilet, the wall slid aside, revealing several fire poles. Swiftly descending down the dark tunnel, they reached a halt some thirty seconds later.

"Someone turn on the lights! It's pitch black!"

"On the bright side-" said Fred.

"No one would notice you if Snape here-" continued George.

"Decided to take a crap-"

"Which would be pointless-"

"Seeing how the bloke-"

Has been constipated-"

"For three weeks."

"_Lumos!" _bellowed a ticked off Sevvy-kins. The cave was lit up...only to reveal thousands of bats.

"Oops," murmured Wolf. "Wrong Batcave...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Almost everyone set off in different directions, panicking.

* * *

**Wolf: Finally! It's done! Now just one more part of the Insanity Potion trilogy to go!**

**Twenty-five points to whoever can find the very, very minuscule **_**Prisoner of Azkaban **_**reference. You probably won't find it unless you're incredibly hard core, sorry. **

**New poll on my profile! And I might start a Harry Potter truth or dare story (Nemesis had one, but I want to try it). So send in some dares, and when I start writing, I'll add them. It'll probably end up with only five chapters or so.**

**The House Cup:**

**Gryffindor: 29 points**

**Ravenclaw: 25 points**

**Slytherin: 11 points**

**Jedi Order: 13 points**

**Hufflepuff: 6 points**

**Sith Order: 0 points (HA!)**


	21. The Insanity Potion: Part Three

**Wolf: On this humble day of March 8, 2010, I claim all rights to being the first person to write that Crazy Hyperactive Authoress To-Do List. If anyone else says otherwise, don't believe them. **

**The Prisoner of Azkaban reference was the page 394. It was the same page in the Defense book that was all about werewolves. Only two people found it! **

**Also, I plan on writing another Craziness story…It'll probably be called Craziness, Candy, Jedi Knights, and ROAD TRIP! Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, Batman, **_**Starbucks, Skittles, or any of the songs in this story. **

**If anyone speaks in thoughts it will be in italics. So will thoughts and reading material/notes/etc.**

**(References to Deathly Hallows spoilers. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.) **

**Chapter Twenty-One- The Insanity Potion: Part Three**

**

* * *

**

_At Wolf's House…_

Sevvy-kins (Yes, we must call him that) stalked the house in a bat-like manner. Shortly after evacuating the Batcave to escape the hostile bats, Wolf had decided everyone should move to the last safe place: her house. Fortunately for them, no one was home. Immediately after reaching their destination, Wolf disappeared.

Oh, and Nemesis found the perfect theme song for Sevvy-kins!

"Please, no…" Sevvy-kins moaned. "WOULD YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"_Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are all standing in a row!"_

Sevvy-kins banged his head against the wall. If Wolf had been there, she would have admonished him for attempting to addle his brain. Like she was one to talk, considering what had happened on July 14th…

"What happened on July 14th?"

Nothing!

Sevvy-kins huffed. "Where are those lunatics, anyways…"

It didn't take long for him to find Nemesis. He discovered her rummaging through the fridge in search of pie, muttering underneath her breath. "Stupid health nuts. I pity Wolf…THERE'S NO PIE!"

Sevvy-kins coughed, and Nemesis whipped around. "Oh, hey there! How's your theme music working out?"

He glared back at her. "Have you seen Wolf?"

"Why, you can't find her?" said Luna. She was sitting at the kitchen table, a copy of the _Quibbler _in her hands.

Nemesis stroked an imaginary beard in thought for a few seconds, then grinned. "Here, I'll show you where she is!"

Nemesis and Luna skipped up the stairs…Sevvy-kins just walked. Opening a door at the end of the hallway, Nemesis, Luna, and Sevvy-kins entered Wolf's room. Fred and George followed shortly after.

Upon entrance, the first thing anyone would notice in Wolf's room was the lack of carpet. Almost every inch was covered by pencils, crayons, bouncing balls, paper, notebooks, candy wrappers, sticky notes, Force FX lightsabers, books (Sevvy-kins was bothered by a copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows _lying unceremoniously on the floor), DVDs, CDs, hole punchers, staplers, action figures, spoons, forks, sporks, fire extinguishers, flamethrowers, a neck brace, old casts, toilet paper, trophies, pop bottles, candy canes, metal chains, nun chucks, pickle jars, marshmallows, fruitcakes, anvils, an enormous battle axe, chicken feathers, soup cans, canoe paddles, banjos, hockey masks (Which was scary if you added it to the battle axe, but it was nothing like that), coffee mugs, lists, and a list of lists (Wolf was obsessed with lists).

"Hang on," Nemesis said, before wading across the ocean of junk Sevvy-kins decided to amuse himself by reading the ending of that _Harry Potter _book. How bad could it--

"AHH! AHH! AHH!" He threw down the book, shrieking like a girl.

"What happened, Sevvy-kins?" asked Fred Weasley.

"Did you die in the end?" questioned George.

"HE NAMED HIS BLOODY KID AFTER ME!"

"I found it guys!" Nemesis called, before Sevvy-kins could start his rant. Wading across the deep multicolored sea, the fictional characters reached the closet, where a trap door had revealed a secret passage. Hopping into the hole, Nemesis vanished. The others soon followed suit.

The first thing to meet them was a humongous dark purple eyeball that belonged to a dragon.

"HOLY POO!" cried out Nemesis, retreating.

_Well, excuse me for extending you guys welcome!_

Three muffled thumps came from the tunnel. Looking back, Nemesis was surprised to discover Leia, Han/Indiana, and Ginny dusting themselves off.

"When did you guys get here?" she asked.

"Just now," said Leia.

The dragon grinned toothily. Ever seen a grinning dragon? It's hysterical. _Who are these people? _

Nemesis gestured at the others. "Everyone, this is Orion the dragon, Wolf's OC. Orion, this is Severus Snape, Luna Lovegood, Han Solo (also known as Indiana Jones), Ginny, Fred, and George Weasley, and Leia Naberrie Amidala Skywalker Organa. Whoa, that's a mouthful."

Orion was about twenty feet long from head to tail tip, and was a deep, dark purple with black spikes protruding from his spine and going on until about halfway down his neck. He had the same crazy look in his fathomless purple eyes as Wolf. No wonder he was Wolf's dragon.

Orion, his dark purple scales glittering, licked his lips. _May I eat them?_

"NO!" said Wolf from another room.

_But they look so scrumptious! _

Wolf's respond, strangely enough, sounded like a combination of clicking and hissing. Ignoring her, everyone looked around the room. It was spacious enough, with rainbow colored concrete walls and a rounded ceiling. Several doors led off to different rooms. Opening the nearest door, they were astonished to find Wolf, wearing an orange bike helmet and crouching in the middle of a vegetable garden. Her malfunctioning lightsaber lay on the ground, spare parts spread about.

Nemesis raised her eyebrows. "Did it work?"

Wolf shook her head. "Only with the broccoli, and it was actually EVIL. No surprise there, I guess." She glared at the broccoli and made several clicking noises with her tongue.

"What in the name of Merlin are you doing?" Sevvy-kins asked.

"She's attempting to develop the ability to talk to vegetables," responded Luna.

Wolf crossed her arms, the bike helmet falling slightly onto her forehead. "Hey, it could be useful! I could communicate with them and be updated 24/7! But not with the broccoli. It spoke of terrible things. I call this language Brocotongue!"

Han/Indiana…well, whatever the heck he was called, glanced around, one hand on his blaster, another on his old-fashioned pistol. "Did you guys hear something?"

Wolf smirked. "Oh, that was just the zombie chickens, the rainbow dinosaurs, and my hard core unicorns."

Sevvy-kins snorted. _This day can't get any stranger…_

Well, it could. Hey, he hadn't met Wolf's army yet…or heard the master plan.

* * *

_At Starbucks…_

Blaze, Kattie, and Amarwen faced off against each other, cups of hot chocolate and coffee in their hands. A small crowd cheered and jeered around them.

Kattie nodded at her competition. "Ready? 3...2...1...CHUG!"

They each gulped down as much as possible, with the mob of coffee addicts shrieking, "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

* * *

_At Wolf's Home for Fictional Characters…_

"DIE, INFERIOR SCUM!" shrieked Qui-Gon as he leapt at Mace. Mace quickly deflected with his lightsaber, jeering at Qui-Gon. The vileness of the Insanity Potion had taken hold. Only Anakin seemed to truly be resisting it.

Up in the air, a brightly colored parrot flew by…a parrot that happened to be carrying a vital letter. Her name was Admiral Skittle McDoodles, and she was a gift from Wolf to one Anakin Skywalker.

Groaning in anguish, Anakin crouched inside the dark, desolated bathroom stall. Once cough syrup (Which he suspected was much more than cough syrup) had settled in, he had felt a strange tingling sensation that yearned to command him. It was pure evil, telling him terrible things…

He snapped out of his reverie when Admiral Skittle McDoodles flew over the flimsy door and onto the toilet paper dispenser. Taking the letter from her yellow talons, Anakin read its contents.

_Anakin,_

_I figured you'd be the only one who would resist the Insanity Potion, seeing how you know the Dark Side from experience and you're insane anyways. Which Is good, trust me. But I don't like evil insane. It's so boring and cliché. Like dumb blondes. I'm blonde, and do I give a care about manicures or purses? Heck no!_

Another person added a note: _Wolf, stop your moronic rambling and get onto the point!_

Wolf's writing continued: _Thank you for that delightful interruption, Severus. As I was saying, I need you to do a few favors for me. Everyone except al the crazy authoresses, Severus Snapeadoodle, Luna, Leia, Han/Indiana Jones, Fred, George, Ginny, and myself drank a little doohickey called the Insanity Potion. It is linked to a specific object that Sevvy-kins chose himself, which, ironically, is a golden ring. Exactly like Lord of the Rings. And guess what? We have to destroy it in lava! Now that I think about it, I should so totally bring the cast of that entire series here, it'd be--_

This time a different scrawl interrupted Wolf: _Hello, babble much?_

_Oh, leave me be, Nemesis. It's bad enough my mom forces me to wear a bike helmet everywhere. I don't need more ridicule….but knowing you, you're probably trying to help. Great and bizarre minds think alike, or something like that. Anyways, Anakin, back to the favors! I need you to open the doors of the mansion for us. Every door there. Doors, doors, doors! You know, my head got slammed in a car door once. Maybe that's why I'm so odd. But I've always been like this…_

_So…you get the idea. Help us infiltrate the place. They put a new lock on the door, so my house key doesn't work. Nor does the key under the mat. We could just use a battery ram, but that's no fun. Go on now, secret agent dude! And please kick Palpy-cake's butt for me. It'll be amusing._

_-Wolf_

_P.S. Once we're finished with this, let me know if your pee smells normal again._

Anakin flushed the letter down the toilet, gave Admiral Skittle McDoodles a cracker (which she promptly spit back at him), then exited the bathroom. He had work to do.

* * *

_Back at Wolf's lair…_

Nemesis skipped cheerfully by various doors, merrily humming "Bananaphone". She had just one task to do before setting out on their mission. Finally reaching her destination, she slowly opened the door.

The inside smelled like a combination of grapefruit and animal poop. A rainbow velociraptor paced an enclosure, looking anxious. A unicorn with a Mohawk glared at its surroundings. And some skeletal chickens with their flesh rotting off scrambled about, attempting to eat each other. Yes, this was Wolf's army consisted of. The zombie chickens, rainbow dinosaurs, and hard core unicorns all were some of her best resources.

There were just a few…minor flaws. Mainly that the zombie chickens often attempted to devour each other, the rainbow dinosaurs acted too feminine for their own good, and the hard core unicorns had anger management issues. Like I said, minor. Until they all tried to brutally murder each other.

Nemesis whistled loudly. "All right, everybody, follow me!"

Wolf, wearing the same orange bike helmet along with flexible blue and black Mandalorian armor covering her arms, legs, and body, stood at the ready, her newly repaired lightsaber in her right hand. Glancing at her companions (Nemesis, Sevvy-kins, Han/Indiana, Leia Ginny, Fred, George, Orion, and her army), she grinned widely. "Let us be off!"

Nearly everyone began to gallop off (and Orion flew), singing: "_I will survive! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to live I will end up staying alive! I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give and I'll survive! I'll survive! Hey, hey!"_

Leia and Ginny sighed. "Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots," they said in perfect unison. Sevvy-kins nodded curtly in agreement.

* * *

Palpy-cakes and Moldyshort Shorts smiled together. As it turned out, Voldemort's mouth was quite similar to Palpy-cakes. These guys needed a dental plan, for crying out loud! But this was a dark moment. For they had cornered Anakin Skywalker, Palpy-cake's greatest enemy! "Surrender, Piestalker!"

Anakin grew livid. "DON'T CALL ME PIESTALKER, YOU DUNDERHEAD!" He pressed his lightsaber to the door behind him, destroying the lock and opening the door itself.

Moldyshort Shorts just snarled with glee, "Foolish Jedi! Did you really think that would do any good?" All of the mansion's inhabitants had gathered around Anakin at this point, glowering menacingly.

Anakin just smirked. "As a matter of fact, yes." He Force jumped into the air…and was caught by a flying purple monster.

"HOLY CRAP!" screeched Count Dooku. "What is that thing?"

"Oh, you know," said Wolf and Nemesis as they both sprinted into the entrance hall. "It was a _one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater! One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple eater! One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people--"_

"SHUT UP!" thundered Luke, surprising everyone.

"Yeah!" added Palpy-cakes, "It's no danger to us. What kind of vicious monster is purple anyways? What a lame color!"

This was a mistake.

_HOW DARE YOU! FILTH, SCUM-SUCKER, BOTTOM FEEDER, LOSER! I'll show you lame! _Orion aimed a burst of purple flames at Palpy-cakes, lighting him on fire _AGAIN._

The battle had begun. It was long and vicious and involved the Force, magic, pitchforks, licorice whips, lightsabers, whips, hats, feathers, potatoes, midgets, staple guns, telephones, sunglasses, battle axes, CDs, lamps (Or umbrellas, as you should call them), pencil shavings, vomit, and sticky notes.

Wolf ignited her _rainbow _lightsaber. Yes, rainbow, for a random weirdo like Wolf. First it was red, then it was orange! Different shades of different colors! "TASTE THE RAINBOW, JERKS!" she howled.

Throughout this scene of epicness Wolf and Nemesis had snuck across the war zone, carrying with them a golden ring to the volcano that was not too far away. Yes, Wolf had a freaking volcano in the mansion. She believed it to be perfectly safe, due to some weird safeguards she had put up…blah, blah, blah. Like you guys care about plot holes. I wouldn't call this a plot hole, but it's darn near close.

Wolf and Nemesis began coughing as the smoke grew thicker and thicker. Deep inside a tunnel, they reached the volcano. "Throw the ring, Nemesis!" Wolf yelled over the calamity.

For a moment Nemesis seemed to hesitate. Everyone would go back to normal, no more fun insanity. Then again, who in their right minds would want to have that many insane people running amuck? It was fine with just a few of them…even though everyone was crazy anyways.

Nemesis tossed the ring just as Palpy-cakes leapt after it, hoarsely hollering, "MY PRECIOUS!" Then he was absorbed by the lava. What a moron!

Far below, people were glancing about, scared and shocked and feeling slightly nauseous. Each person felt as though nothing could surprise them anymore. How wrong they were.

For just then, a piece of broccoli scampered past, clicking and chattering. Anakin was almost positive he caught Wolf's name among the random babbling.

Sevvy-kins smirked as he observed the others interacting with Wolf's army of creatures. Lucius Malfoy…Dirtbag Barbie, I mean, yelped girlishly as he fled from the zombie chickens. Palpy-cakes attempted to chat with the rainbow dinosaurs about nail polish. It worked out smashingly for a while, until they discovered his evil dunderheadedness. They chased him around the front lawn, ready to rip him to shreds. Draco Malfoy leaned over to ask the unicorns questions about Wolf.

"Do you find Wolf pretty? What kind of music does she like? Does she like to eat out? What does she like in guys?"

Nightspike the unicorn snarled something underneath his breth, scowling at Draco. His blue Mohawk stood on end dangerously.

"I find Wolf to be pretty, though no one else agrees…but she stabbed me when I asked her out! You unicorns are so pretty, though. Pretty ponies!

The unicorns all glanced at each other. "Oh no he didn't," Nightspike exclaimed, before he and his family attacked Draco. Wolf would be incredibly grateful. They reared up and--

--The following has been deleted due to graphic violence involving creatures who are usually portrayed as sweet, even though these versions aren't Mwuhahaha!--

Wolf and Nemesis emerged from a cloud of ash, looking quite pleased. A badly charred Palpy-cakes followed suit, looking haggard…and Orion lit him on fire again. This time everyone roasted marshmallows on his blazing body. There was only one thing left for everyone to say…

"_Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts--"_

"SHUT UP!" roared Sevvy-kins, clearly sick of his theme song. "AND STOP CALLING ME SEVVY-KINS!"

Whatever you say, Sevvy-cakes Snapple!

* * *

**Wolf: I introduced a lot of OC's in this chapter. Orion and Nightspike will probably be permanent. Anything that doesn't make sense to you guys? Ask me, feel free. I don't want anyone to feel bamboozled. I love that word!**

**Please tell me your Hogwarts House in every review. I get bamboozled easily (There that word is again!).**

**Five points go to everyone who says their opinion on Wolf, Orion, Nightspike, and all the others...**

**Gryffindor- 60 points**

**Ravenclaw- 30 points**

**Hufflepuff- 7 points**

**Slytherin- 12 points**

**Jedi Order- 15 points**

**Sith Order- 0 points (HA!)**

**And I also plan on writing an Alex Rider and Harry Potter crossover! Dun, dun, dun…**


	22. Lazy Sunday With Extra Chaos

**Wolf: Well, thanks for the reviews, everybody! It's like candy!**

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Dora the Explorer, Back to the Future, Twilight, Indiana Jones, **_**Volvo, Dunkin Donuts, Red Robin, Wal-Mart, Corvette, AT&T, Verizon, Froot Loops, V8, Nemesis or her story **_**Therapy, **_**or any of the songs and artists mentioned in this story.**

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Lazy Sunday (With Extra Chaos)**

**

* * *

**

Anakin poured milk into his Froot Loops (Wolf's favorite cereal. Even the name fits!) as he cheerily hummed "Pants On the Ground". After the calamity of the Insanity Potion, everything was...boring. And Anakin _loathed_ it. As of right now, he was all alone. On this lazy Sunday, Wolf and Nemesis had ventured off to who-knows-where, Luke had gone on a date with some red-haired chick, Leia and Han--I meant to say Indiana Jones, were on vacation in South America, and Obi-Wan was nowhere to be found.

"Where the heck is everybody...Obi-Wan usually appears at convenient moments..."

As if Obi-Wan's name was Taboo (After all, Voldemort's was. Remember that next time you go camping), Obi-Wan's popped into the kitchen. Plopping down next to Anakin, he stated what Anakin was thinking.

"Red Robin!"

"Yum!" added Anakin, as he sighed. "I'm so bored."

Obi-Wan smiled grimly. "Maybe Wolf could take us to get some donuts. We could call them!"

Anakin grinned before pulling out a cell phone and dialing a number.

* * *

_Elsewhere..._

Nemesis tossed aside a grandfather clock, a holey umbrella, and an old-fashioned printing press as she sprinted towards Wolf, carrying an armful of papers. "Wolf, Wolf! I have the secret documents!"

Wolf, holding a large black trench coat, rose from her beanbag chair and waded across a murky swamp of objects. "Yes!" she cried out jubilantly, as she brushed back a humongous cabinet and a suit of armor, all the while avoiding several slippery banana peels. Orion peeked over the wreckage, his purple eyes glinting.

"I know!" responded Nemesis. "Now we just need to deal with the buttons!"

Frowning, Wolf replied, "No, the pink one."

"Oh, right."

An obnoxious tune interrupted their bamboozling chatter. _"We were at the beach! Everyone had matching towels!"_

Nemesis blinked. "Is that your cell phone?"

"_Somebody went under a dock and there they saw a rock!"_

"Yeah, it's my cell phone."

"_But it wasn't a rock!"_

"Well, are you going to answer it?"

"_It was a rock lobster!"_

"Nah, I'll let it go to the voicemail."

"_Rock lobster!"_

"Because we're busy?"

"_ROCK LOBSTER!"_

"Yes. WE MUST CONQUER THE WORLD WITH SPOONS!"

* * *

One ring.

Two.

Three.

Four.

"_Hey, you've reach Alizarin, also known as Wolf, Jelly Spoons, or Dang it, Wolf! Give back my dessert! I am not here right now, and am either leading an angry mob to attack Wal-Mart, eating pie with Nemesis, or screaming at movie characters to do things that'll save their lives. Please leave a messa--Oh, hello, Severus! And yes, I'm not calling you Sevvy-kins, since that's degradi--What do you mean, this message is ridiculous? I'll show you ridiculous! Yes, you know that I--And what is that supposed to mean?! Please be quiet for five seconds, I'm going to run out of ti--"_

_BEEP._

Anakin slammed down his finger, ending the call. As that happened, a gigantic blue and white map popped out of his phone screen and right into the duo's faces. "HOLY CRAP! I HAVE BAD 3G COVERAGE!" Anakin shrieked. Smashing his phone against the wall, it shattered into thousands of tiny fragments. They both sighed. Again. How many freaking times can two people sigh in a few minutes? "Well, we can always find out how to get around Earth ourselves. It can't be that hard, right?"

Wrong!

* * *

Anakin and Obi-Wan opened the doors of Wolf's Corvette (She is SO going to kill them and use their entrails as jump rope). As Anakin jammed the keys into the ignition, Obi-Wan turned to face him. "You do have a license, right?"

Anakin grinned darkly, tracing the rims of his sunglasses as he did his best impression of Wolf. "Nope." The grin of rapture still on his face, Anakin floored the car, barely remembering to open the garage door in the process.

* * *

After driving the wrong way on a one-way street (Much to Obi-Wan's horror), Anakin and Obi-Wan finally arrived at a crowded Dunkin Donuts. Police cars littered the area. "WTF?!" exclaimed Anakin, which translated into "What the Force?"

Obi-Wan smiled. "Policemen investigating a robbery at a donut shop? Is it just me, or is that ironic?"

"No," said Anakin, "I think it's merely unusual. That's all."

Their banter was cut short as a pudgy looking policeman holding a pink frosted donut in his right hand and a handgun in left trotted up to their Corvette. "Did you witness the recent events?"

"What?"

Moaning, the policeman munched on his donut as he continued, "Are you DEAF?! Some idiots robbed this establishment! But...maybe they're accomplices!" He seemed to be talking to himself. "They tried to steal my precious donuts! Yes, my precious..._My precious..."_

Anakin shot Obi-Wan an exasperated glance. _Do something! _He mentally shouted.

Obi-Wan glowered at him. _Like what?_

_Oh, I don't know...ARE YOU A JEDI OR NOT?!_

_You're a Jedi too!_

_But I feel lazy today!_

Muttering verbal abuse to Anakin in his head, Obi-Wan drew upon the Force. "Err...these aren't the droids you're looking for?"

"Huh?" The policemen's eyebrows shot up his forehead.

"SCREW THIS!" bellowed Anakin. Flooring the car, Anakin ran over the policeman as him and Obi-Wan attempted to flee the crime scene.

They did not get far, seeing how there was a donut shop in front of them! Blast! Anakin is so BRAINLESS! I warned him about the punishment for ruining the Corvette, and now he has to suffer!

Obi-Wan tried to remove rubble from his lap when he noticed an alarming red substance. Blood! Holy crap, they were now prey of gay sparkly vampires!

Actually, the red fluid was V8. But the buffoon Jedi Knights didn't know this.

"ANAKIN!" Obi-Wan cried out in desperation, but to no avail. Obi-Wan felt despair clawing at his heart. Slowly, the despair gnawed at him, drowning him in a dank depression he would never recover from. Forever suffering, for all eternity. Endless nightmares, endless pain, endless--

"When did the narrator go Emo?" came Anakin's muffled voice.

"OH MY FORCE, YOU'RE ALIVE!" cried Obi-Wan. Once they both were finished struggling to escape the wreckage, Obi-Wan engulfed Anakin in a Wookie embrace. Aww, how cute. I may _vomit._

"Now that's the Flow I know! Good job imitating Snape!" Obi-Wan said merrily.

Anakin glanced at the dead policeman. "You know, I once thought killing people would make them like me. But it doesn't. It just makes people dead."

Obi-Wan clamped down on Anakin's shoulder. Hard. Anakin winced. "I hope you aren't suffering from head trauma. That would totally suck."

"Did you just say 'suck'?"

"Did you just say 'Did you just say suck'?"

"Did you just say--Wait, I heard something?"

Obi-Wan snarled. "I never said that!"

"Shut up!" Anakin hissed. Glancing around, Anakin noticed nothing except for the dead policeman, the demolished Corvette, and the peculiar and dangerous looking pack of muggers surrounding them. "Nope. I notice nothing odd." Moron. Fortunately, Obi-Wan had the brains to realize they were in trouble.

Obi-Wan grabbed for the hilt of his lightsaber, but Anakin slapped his hand away. "We can't give away our presence! The authorities will come after us and conduct excruciatingly painful experiments!"

"Do you have any other ideas?"

"No. DO SOMETHING!"

"Uhh..." Obi-Wan looked up into a ski mask-clad face. "Swiper no swiping?"

Yeah, epic fail.

The man reached up, tore off the mask...and revealed the face of Lord Voldemort. Well, crap.

* * *

Hermione sat on the front porch of the mansion, sipping a lemonade and reading a good book. She flipped the page of her copy of _Harry Potter and the Year Nothing Happened. _Ron's earlier prediction about Draco being gay was, so far, incorrect. True to the title, the book was quite boring. Hermione had been much more fascinated by _Deathly Hallows. _She could pull a _Back to the Future_ and stop all of those deaths from happening!

"Hello?" came a haggard voice. "Somebody? We need help!"

Setting down her book and snatching up her wand, Hermione cautiously stalked off the wooden porch and walked down the street. What she found was startling.

Anakin and Obi-Wan were fighting for their lives against Palpy-cakes, Volvowhore (Wolf's new name for Voldemort), and all of their followers. Anakin and Obi-Wan, by the looks of things, were faring badly. Sliced up and bruised, they were barely holding on. And this enraged Hermione.

Unlike those sucky female characters out there, Hermione was quite impressive in combat. Scratch that, she kicked everyone's you-know-what. But quite like many people, she was especially protective of her friends. Obi-Wan and Anakin fell into this category, while the villains did not. Funny, I actually feel pity for those morons. Oh wait, that pity is gone, only to be replaced by glee.

With an aura of pure fury, Hermione raised her wand and--

--The following has been deleted due to M-rated violence that not even the _Call of Duty _addicts have seen before. All of it involves one seemingly innocent teenage girl hexing, beating, and thrashing the crap out of dunderheads. While we wait, please enjoy this commercial break!--

* * *

"Are you a psychotic maniac that seriously needs help? Or do you know someone like this?" said one blond-haired girl that we all know far too well. Here's a hint: her name rhymes with "Wemesis". "Tired of your violently insane personality? Well, stop by our Therapy classes to get the help you truly need. Seriously, dudes, you need help NOW. I mean it. Honestly."

"Our classes will help you realize that you're an idiot," continued Harry Potter. "You don't have a life, you smell awful, and you definitely SUCK. You just don't know it yet. We'll help you change that! But don't listen to us; let's hear from some of our most valuable customers!"

"Nemesis, I hate you! You torture me all the time at these classes!" screamed Palpy-cakes. He was promptly yanked off-screen.

"I hate my life, I hate my life! Therapy terrifies me!" sobbed Sauron. He, too, was pulled away from the camera.

"I WILL KILL MY THERAPIST! MWUAHAHA!" Voldemort declared with a vengance. He was immediately hit with a Stunning Spell. Off screen, Harry could be heard laughing with tears of mirth.

Nemesis reappeared. "Our classes cost you nothing! ...Except for easy payments of $499.99 a month! So what are you waiting for, freaks? Call now!"

* * *

_Back to the story..._

The villains all lay in one heaping pile, each one moaning in agony. Yes, every single freaking villain. All of them taken down by Hermione.

The teenage witch blew a spurt of smoke away from the tip of her wand. "Oh yeah, I SO went there. Wolf owes me one for destroying Ferret Boy."

And she walked back to the porch, picked up her book, and continued to read, as if nothing has happened at all. Obi-Wan and Anakin gaped.

"Well," Obi-Wan said to his former Padawan. "Hopefully Wolf will never find out that we crashed her Corvette."

"YOU DID WHAT?!" cried out a livid voice. Obi-Wan and Anakin, grimacing, spun around and faced Wolf. She looked TICKED.

They were going to die.

* * *

**Wolf: No, Wolf doesn't kill Obi-Wan and Anakin. Contrary to popular belief, Wolf is quite laid back. It might not seem like it, but you're SUPPOSED to cause harm to evil. And that's what she does.**

**Next chapter, the entry of another fictional universe! And the chance for a guest star! Tell me your name, lightsaber color, if you have a crush on any Star Wars/Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings character, what you want to do, etc. Only Nemesis, Kattie, and Darth greave don't need to do this Nemesis and Kattie are regulars, and already promised Greave. The first person to get this question correct (Or to be the closest) will appear.**

**Who is my favorite character from Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings? One character from each of those fandoms. And you only can guess once. Make sure you say the name of your House, because it's five points for each character you get correct! If you don't say the name of your House, I won't count your points.**

**The House Cup**

**Gryffindor: 61 points**

**Ravenclaw: 42 points**

**Jedi Order: 27 points**

**Slytherin: 22 points**

**Hufflepuff: 7 points**

**Sith Order: 0 points (HA!)**

**Anyone here a fan of Alex Rider and Harry Potter? I want to see what you'd think of Yassen teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. (I don't own Alex Rider).**


	23. What's a Mental Institution?

**Wolf: Congratulations to Icestar of ForestClan, for being the first (and pretty much only) person to guess correctly! **

**(Confetti falls from the ceiling in celebration.)**

**Wolf: My three favorite characters from each of those fandoms are Snape, Anakin Skwyalker, and Gandalf. Anyways, I'm also bringing in my fellow members of the Random Order. And Darth Greave.**

**Obi-Wan: Wait, who is in this Random Order?**

**Wolf, Nemesis, Amarwen, Blaze, Kattie, Werecat, Katie Ladmoore, Rose, and Greave: US!**

**Wolf: Well, there's also Darth Fishstick and Lazy Child, but I don't know if they're in it or not. Greave is here because we talk often and he asked me politely.**

**Palpy-cakes: NOO! THIS IS TOO MUCH!**

**Nemesis: Wolf doesn't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Potter Puppet Pals, Star Trek, **_**Monopoly, Candyland, any of the other authors/authoresses, or any of the songs used in this chapter.**

**Chapter Twenty-Three: What's a Mental Institution?

* * *

**

All was silent. And why was that? Well, Wolf had left for vacation a week earlier, and so had nearly every other insane authoress in the area. For just one week, the fictional characters were enjoying pure bliss. And though she would deny it if anyone asked (especially Wolf), Leia hated it.

Oh sure, she pretended to be a tightwad, but the truth was that she had bottled up all of her insanity. Wolf would probably and hopefully never discover this, but Leia was more insane than a Chihuahua on crystal meth. Or something like that.

But we're not going to look up on Leia right now. This is about Qui-Gon and Mace. But it's always nice to know about Leia's little drama...well, not really, but it's important for the plot...oh wait,. no it's not. Oh well. Silly me!

The two Jedi Masters were meditating by a lake in the backyard, humming to themselves. "Isn't this great, Mace?" Qui-Gon said. "Peace and quiet. Something I haven't had in months."

Mace inhaled in deeply, breathing in the rich scents of freshly mowed grass and the moldy cheeseburger he had accidentally sat on and hadn't even noticed. "I know. It's quiet luxurious to meditate and count my breaths. In, and out. In, and out."

Qui-Gon continued the pattern. "In, and out, In, and out. In, and--"

"THEY'RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD! THEY'RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD!" Mace and Qui-Gon's eyelids shot open in horror and sheer terror. They _knew _those voices. Sure enough, Wolf and Nemesis, dressed in black robes with billowy capes flew right past them, followed by some annoying girl with a camera.

"Wolf! Nemesis! Wait up! I'm your biggest fan!" yelped Icestar, exhausted from trying to keep up with our favorite blond-haired, pie loving, _tone deaf, _and psychotic authoresses. And said tone deaf authoresses were singing "They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard". Oh dear.

Suddenly Blaze, Kattie, Werecat, Greave, Katie Ladmoore, Amarwen, and Rose appeared. "Beware of the purple monkeys," they said, right before disappearing into thin air.

Qui-Gon eyed the now empty space suspiciously, then shook his head. "Well, that was odd."

* * *

_A few hours later..._

"EVERYBODY GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN TO THE FIRST FLOOR AND REPORT!"

Luke rose from a beanbag chair and set down his pina colada. "Movie night?" he exclaimed. "When the heck did we get movie night?!"

"No idea," replied Obi-Wan, as he too sat up and walked out the door and down the stairs.

Arriving in the newest edition Wolf had built, Obi-Wan and Luke were astonished by several things. First of all, an elaborate device sat at the front of the room, looking both absurd and scary at the same time. It had a computer on the right side, a circular center, and it looked like a metallic donut. Second, Wolf was _tan_. Which was what seemed to be impossible. Just last week, several of the Death Eaters attempted to taunt Wolf by calling her a glittery vampire, but she had retorted with a barrage of insulting and witty comments that would have made even Severus Snape proud. But the third and most incredible of all of these was that every single hero and villain had gathered into one room, and no one was dead yet.

When everyone arrived, Greave banged on an ancient Chinese gong, signaling the start of the meeting.

Wolf stood up from her chair at the front of the room and cleared her throat. "First of all, I would like to remind you guys that I have a new set of rules that I will explain shortly. But I'd like to say immediately that I do not like it when Junior Death Eaters stalk me."

"But Wolf!" cried Draco Malfoy, standing up on his chair. "I love you! I--" He stopped short, for Werecat had clubbed him on the head with a giant pineapple, and he collapsed unconscious. Werecat admired her work. "I always wanted to do that."

"Anyways," continued Nemesis. "We have decided that, due to our incredible success so far--" several people had to break eye contact with Nemesis, thinking the exact opposite of what she had said. "we have decided to bring in more fictional characters!"

"Like, that's perfect!" Voldy-boldy-banana-nana shouted to the sky. He was under the Valley Girl Hex's influence once more. "I, like, hope there's more, like, villains that can help me, like, kill Potter!"

"Idiots." Leia, and Ginny muttered in unison. "We're surrounded by idiots."

"Blaze, would you do the honors?" Blaze nodded at Nemesis and began to type in a very long and drawling code into the strange machine's computer. This took about twenty minutes. To pass time, Wolf and Nemesis tried to teach everyone the _Thriller _dance. Laughing at Palpy-cakes' pathetic attempts, Kattie shook her head. "Ah, the joy of taunting evil dunderheads. What fun!"

An obnoxious hissing noise, burst out. Seconds later, a mysterious ticking noise vibrated through the air. Snape, Hermione, Harry, Ron, and Dumbledore all howled, "HOORAY! A PIPE BOMB!" Everyone else just watched the portal with more anticipation than an American at a Dunkin Donuts drive thru.

The center of the machine sparked, then materialized into a bright purple view of a subspace dimension. Then a flash of white light blinded the room's occupants. When they could see once more, a large mass of new characters were piled into one great heap.

"Are those...midgets?" Anakin asked, bamboozled as to why Wolf would bring a midget to this universe.

Katie Ladmoore laughed. "No, they're hobbits! And wizards, and elves, and dwarves that really need to be searched for fleas, and yet another Dark Lord..."

Kattie chuckled. "How many Dark Lords do we have now? Three?"

"I believe so," responded Amarwen.

"Dang," Blaze grinned as the characters from _Lord of the Rings _began to regain consciousness. "These guys sure do suck at their job? Can't even kill a baby. Or recover a piece of stolen jewelry. Or achieve their pedophilic goals."

All three of them grimaced, the universal "Eww, that's nasty" look on their faces.

Finally conscious, the newcomers got onto their feet, swords, staffs, knives, bows, and battle axes drawn. "FIGHT FOR HONOR, MY MEN!" Aragorn, heir of Isilduir bellowed to the good guys of Middle-earth, while Gandalf went kung fu on Saruman's you know what.

"At last!" Palpy-cakes cheered. "More evil men!" Unfortunately for Palpy-cakes, Orion chose this moment to snort, sending flames all over Palpy-cakes for the umpteenth time. All fighting stopped as everyone, even Sauron, giggled at Palpy-cakes plight. Finally taking pity to the wrinkled prune, Wolf got a fire extinguisher and put out the flames, bring the business back into the story.

"Hello!" Wolf said to the newcomers gleefully. "My name is Wolf. These are my friends. We don't mean most of you any harm." At this, Nemesis grinned at Sauron and tossed her pitchfork back and forth. Inside his suit of giant armor, Sauron gulped anxiously. "You see, you were once fictional characters, but we--that is, myself, Nemesis, Blaze, Kattie, and everyone else--managed to bring you to our reality. Now you can go out and explore, but I want to lay down the new ground rules."

Nemesis snatched up a piece of parchment and began to read. "Rule number one: Don't steal anyone's candy. Or suffer the consequences.

"Rule number two: If you vomit, clean it up yourself.

"Rule number three: Monopoly is the official game of this house. NOT Candyland. Deal with it.

"Rule number four: Don't stalk Wolf. And that's a rule I know Draco will break. Creeper.

"Rule number five: Do not call the unicorns pretty, or anything like that. You will die.

"Rule number six: Do not have another epic good versus evil battle while Star Trek is on, or I will probably rip out your entrails.

"Rule number seven: Don't flush colored pencils down the toilet.

"Rule number eight: Don't get on Hermione's bad side.

"Rule number nine: Don't let Wolf have caffeine. Or sugar. Actually, it would be best if Wolf had nothing unhealthy at all, as she might throw up.

"Rule number ten: Don't diss pie. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

"How many more krething rules are there?!" Anakin shouted, bothered by this long list.

"BE QUIET!" Nemesis hollered before continuing. "Rule number eleven: Try not to die.

"And rule number thirteen: Don't mention Wolf, me, or anyone else to the mental institution."

"What's a mental institution?" asked Frodo Baggins, a short hobbit with curly brown hair.

"Exactly!" Kattie responded to the little midget. "Now then--"

"OH MY PIE, IT'S ARAGORN!" Nemesis exclaimed. She leaped onto her favorite Lord of the Rings character with mirth. Blaze, mimicking Nemesis, leaped onto Anakin. Wolf began laughing with tears of mirth.

Among the newcomers were Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Gandalf the White, Pippin Took, Merry Brandybuck, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Faramir, Eowyn, Saruman, Sauron, Arwen, Wormtongue, and the Witch-king, along with all of the other Nazgul. Gandalf and Saruman immediately began to duel, while Aragorn pushed Nemesis off and struck up a conversation with Luke.

"Do you where the...facilities are?" the Ranger asked the young Jedi.

Luke grinned. "Sure. Right this way..."

Meanwhile, Wolf had been chilling in the corner with her Randawan Kattie and watching the newcomers interact with everyone when they both felt a disturbance in the Force. "What is that?" Kattie asked her Random Master.

"I don't know, but I have a hunch that it's--"

"WOLF, MY LOVE! WHERE ARE YOU?" came Draco Malfoy's outburst. Wolf groaned, then began formulating a plan. _Orion, Nightspike, Blackpike, everyone! I need you guys!_

The fantasy creatures were instantly by her side, because they were just awesome like that. Orion was glancing at Blackpike, a female unicorn with a sleek green pelt. _She's hot, _he thought to himself.

_I heard that, _came Wolf's voice in his head.

_Blast!_

"Hello, Wolf! ...And Kattie...And the stupid, pretty unicorns." That idiotic boy had just broken a rule! And he would pay. The unicorns all reared up and--

--This content has been censored. AGAIN. Come on, how many times does this really happen? It's almost like someone was too lazy to add in the pointless violence. I mean, seriosuly? How whacked is that? But anyways, now we're back to the story. Enjoy.--

"Nice job, guys," Wolf praised her friends. "You never provoke a herd of unicorns. They WILL charge." Another chillr an down her spine. "WHAT NOW?!"

Aragorn sprinted through the hall, shrieking at the top of his lungs. "THE WHITE TOILET THING TRIED TO SWALLOW ME!" He fled, which astounded nearly everyone. Aragorn, running from something? Had the world gone mad?

"There you are!" came another voice that only Wolf, Nemesis, and Blaze had heard. The voice of the doctor from St. Mungo's Ward for the Mentally Unstable. "I've been looking everywhere for you three!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Wolf, Nemesis, and Blaze screeched. And they sprinted off.

Icestar of ForestClan trotted in. Not spotting Wolf or Nemesis, she stomped her foot down. "Darn it all! They're not here...Well, I suppose I could just injure Palpy..."

And she did.

* * *

**Wolf: For the entire story of Wolf, Nemesis, and Blaze's visit to St Mungo's, read Warriors Use IM!. It'll clear it all up.**

**So...Harry Potter or Twilight? Five points for whoever provides a good argument for either side.**

**The House Cup:**

**Gryffindor: 91 points**

**Ravenclaw: 67 points**

**Jedi Order: 38 points**

**Slytherin: 34 points**

**Hufflepuff: 7 points**

**Sith Order: 0 points (HA!)**


	24. Dinner and Dragons

**Wolf: Well everybody, I don't have much to say, except that Harry Potter owns Twilight any day. And THANK YOU FOR THR REVIEWS!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, LOST, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, The Princess Bride, Batman, Spider-man, South Park, G-Force, Alice in Wonderland, **_**Netflix, G.I. Joe, Barbie, Chuck Norris, Oreos, Nemesis, Kattie, Blaze, or any of the songs/artists in this story.**

**Thoughts are in italics, as well as different languages. For all of you Orion fans, there's lots of him in this chapter!**

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Dinner and Dragons**

**

* * *

**

"Look at me!" said Luke. He was dressed in a Batman costume. "I'm Batman! But not the George Clooney version of Batman, since he got his butt kicked and Robin and Fatgirl-I mean Batgirl- had to save the day! I'm the cool Batman!"

Obi-Wan eyed his former apprentice with distaste. "Luke, everyone knows Spider-man is way cooler!"

"Whatever, poser."

Rolling his eyes, Obi-Wan rummaged through his mail. Junk mail, junk mail, junk mail, a 10% off coupon for Netflix, and-

"What's this?" Obi-Wan wondered, holding up an envelope. It had lime green lettering on the front and was addressed to himself. Obi-Wan decided to be careful, and ripped the envelope in half. Picking up the letter that had fallen out, he began to read:

_Dear whoever you are,_

_You have been invited to the super amazing Smorgasbord dinner, hosted by the totally insane authoresses! Bring your own dish. Wolf is not responsible for any injuries during this event. Please the attached waiver. Party is tomorrow. No villains are invited._

_And if you see the men in white lab coats, keep your mouth shut._

_Your half-mad friend,_

_Wolf_

Luke was reading over Obi-Wan's shoulder. "Well, that sounds like fun. Why do we have to sign a waiver?"

Obi-Wan shrugged. "No idea. What's the worst that can happen?"

* * *

_Twenty-four hours later..._

Aragorn frantically searched the kitchen, desperate. There had to be some ingredients for his carrot cake! Aragorn had been irresponsible, and started making his dish without gathering the proper ingredients. I guess Aragorn was having another one of those idiotic days.

"Anakin!" he asked the Jedi, who was sitting in the corner of the kitchen with a platter of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches he had made earlier. He was attire din an orange sweatshirt with the hood pulled over his head. Only his eyes and nose were visible. "Have you seen any eggs?"

Anakin held up a finger, silencing the Ranger. "Shut up, I'm trying to see if I can use clairvoyance to see the future and how _LOST _will finally end."

Han, who was popping microwave popcorn (lazy bum. Couldn't even make a real dish), whacked Anakin on the head with a convenient frying pan that Leia had left on the counter. "Idiot. Everyone knows that _LOST _will never end."

Aragorn groaned. Why weren't there any eggs. There had to be-

There! Three large, purple eggs were set innocently inside the refrigerator. Without a second thought, the idiotic Ranger cracked open all three eggs open and sent the insides flying into his cake batter. The purple was probably just food coloring.

* * *

Wolf, riding on Orion's back, carried her secret dish to the dinner. What was in the dish, you ask? Yeah, like I'm going to tell you.

Orion snorted as they soared through the open air, a look of content on his scaly face. There are some things you should know about Orion.

1.) His ability to speak in thoughts was all due to a kooky device Wolf had concocted in her spare time.

2.) The spikes on his back weren't real. He asked Wolf to glue them on so he looked tougher.

3.) He collected G.I. Joes. And Barbie dolls.

Wolf sighed to herself, looking rather resigned. She had just lost her wand and lightsaber. Yep, the wand she had first found in her box of Frosted Flakes. And let's not forget the rainbow lightsaber she had spent so long building and repairing! This girl just had awful luck.

_Well, this sucks, _she thought to herself.

_Look on the bright side, _Orion thought back, trying to cheer her up. _There's a battle beneath us._

_Really? _Wolf glanced down. Indeed, there was a gigantic battle below. Screaming out "The Hampster Dance" as loud as they could, with Wolf singing/screaming and Orion roaring, they dive-bombed to the ground.

"KAMIKAZE DRAGON!" shrieked Palpy-cakes. Orion rolled his enormous eyeballs and shot another jet of flame at Palpy-cakes. Another thing about Orion: He never misses unless you distract him with a banana. Even so, he'll probably hit his target anyways.

Wolf glanced at the other participants. Now that she was down to earth, it wasn't that big. It had only been Palpy-cakes. But then where had the fire come-

"ATTACK, MY GUINEA PIG ARMY!" Palpy-cakes ordered, still aflame. A massive swarm of guinea pigs soared like a tidal wave towards the rider and her dragon.

_No! Not the guinea pigs! _Orion shrieked in terror. _I had enough with guinea pigs when I saw G-Force!_

_Don't you mean Gay Force? _Wolf said.

_Yeah..._

_Well then... We need help!_ Wolf thought. _We need help! And not mental help, I mean normal help! Why can't Chuck Norris help us? Or I could just have a load of caffeine and go insane again, just like last Halloween? _

_You do realize you have two lightsabers, right? _Orion muttered in his mind.

_Well yes, but the guinea pigs are like Legolas' quiver of arrows...never-ending. Hey, how did we even fall for this trap? It was so stupid._

Palpy-cakes attempted to pick up a rocket launcher, but his puny arms failed him. The rocket launcher backfired, exploding upon itself, leaving nothing but fragments in Palpy-cakes' charred hands.

_Well, that was a little odd._ Orion thought.

_I know, right? _his scary rider thought, just as it began to rain pudding. Yes, pudding. The wicked guinea pigs couldn't deal with the gooey goodness of pudding, and they were all washed away. _Then again, everything here is odd. Get used to it, buddy. Maybe it's my weird authoress powers kicking in again to save the day._

_Oh yes, because that'd be believable...Says the lady who can't do anything right._

Reaching the entrance of the mansion's dining room, Wolf thrust open the double doors Aragorn-style. She glanced at Ginny's stack of cheese cubes., which was sitting directly before her. "Ah, glorious cheese! I do so love cheese!"

Nemesis glanced at Wolf's burnt clothing. "I'm not even going to ask," she said.

Meanwhile Cody, Rex, and Boba Fett were glaring at each other. "How the Force did we all make the same dish?" Cody asked.

Rex shrugged. "No idea. probably because we're all clones of the same person." The three set their fettuccini alfredo (Get it? FETTuccini? A little nerd humor for you) on the long table and took their seats.

Anakin (Still wearing his hoodie) had brought his PBJ sandwiches. Nemesis had brought a rhubarb pie, Blaze had brought a bowl of candy, Kattie had made a pizza, Sirius had the carrot cake that most people wouldn't eat, Sam made a scrumptious stew (With PO-TA-TOES), Han had the microwave popcorn, Frodo had brought a single cheeseburger, Harry had made chocolate cake (And his chocolate bar was tucked underneath his arm), Obi-Wan had concocted a pitcher of lemonade, Cedric Diggory had made spare ribs (KILL THE SPARE! Poor guy), Boromir had a platter of onion rings, Luke had a plate of Oreos, and Obi-Wan-

"Obi-Wan, what is that?" Leia asked fearfully, eying the suspicious bowl filled with a brown substance.

"It's my own invention, Obi-Wan's Surprise!" responded Obi-Wan. The substance was unrecognizable. Everyone gulped in terror, for they all knew they'd have to eat it. "Let's begin our dinner!"

Immediately after Obi-Wan said this, Boromir leapt at Frodo. "Give me the cheeseburger, Frodo! It can be used for the good of Gondor!"

Frodo scooted his chair backwards and clutched onto the cheeseburger for dear life. "NO, BOROMIR! STAY AWAY FROM MY CHEESEBURGER"

Mace picked up a small bottle of wine. _Well, one sip can't hurt..._

At the far right end of the table, Wolf was arguing with Remus Lupin. "No!" the authoress exclaimed. "I won't eat broccoli! The day I eat broccoli is the day Voldemort goes frolicking through a field of tulips and daisies!"

Lupin groaned. "Okay, you don't have to eat broccoli, but at least eat something with a vegetable in it!"

Sighing in defeat, Wolf scooped up a slice of carrot cake. Then she realized that whatever was in the carrot cake would be a major plot point in this chapter. How did she know this? Well, she's Wolf. That's all there is to it.

Anakin trotted up to a stage located in front of the table. "All right everyone, let's welcome our entertainment for the night-Yoda and the...err, Wind Breakers!"

Blaze inhaled her soda, thinking of how messed up that band name could be taken.

Yoda, Chewbacca, and Qui-Gon were each on the stage. Yoda had a guitar; Qui-Gon had a bass; Chewbacca was playing the drums. They all started to head bang as music rocked everyone to the core. "WHOA, HALFWAY THERE, WE ARE! WHOA OH, LIVIN ON A PRAYER, WE ARE! TAKE MY HAND, AND MAKE IT, WE WILL, I SWEAR! WHOA OH, LIVIN ON A PRAYER, WE ARE!" Yoda's demented grammar just didn't flow with the Bon Jovi music, and a cane encircled his neck as he and the band were yanked off-stage.

Everyone blinked. "What'll entertain us now?" Merry Brandybuck asked. "I'm not good at entertaining myself!" Pippin snickered.

Merry cuffed him hard on the back of the head. "You're a freak, Pippin!"

"I could teach you guys the stanky leg!" Harry said. This idea was immediately rejected, and several people hurled piles of the mysterious surprise at Harry. He licked the strange substance off of his face. "Hey, this is really good!" He licked it off everyone it had landed, including his armpits and legs.

"Really?" Ron asked. He made to lick the stuff off Harry as well, but Hermione punched him. This caused Ron to cower in the corner, hiding from him sorta-girlfriend. Everyone made to eat Obi-Wan's surprise. It was quite delicious. "Hey," said Luna, glancing around. "Has anyone seen Neville?"

"Surprise!" Obi-Wan shouted. Luke turned green; Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna, and Ginny began to cry; Sirius vomited on Snape's plate. "MONSTER!" screeched Wolf. Neville had been one of her favorite characters. How could that bas-

"Hi, guys!" Neville said as he opened the doors of the dining hall. "Sorry I'm late. My oven exploded."

Everyone sighed in relief. Obi-Wan grinned, and Sirius sighed to himself. Vomiting had been a waste of his food. "I was kidding, everyone," Obi-Wan announced. "The surprise is that I made a perfectly normal stew."

"HEY!" Mace howled, standing on the table. "I'M A BANANA!"

"Mace," Nemesis said, trying to bring the Jedi back to the floor. "I think you're drunk. VERY drunk."

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am!" the Jedi Master bellowed. He promptly collapsed, unconscious on the table. Anakin and Luke, none too gently, hurled Mace into the nearest wall as to keep his sweat from getting on their amazing food.

"A lesson for us all," Nemesis said to no one in particular. "Stay away from alcohol."

The doors burst open once more, and Hagrid walked in, dragging an unlikely trio behind him: Sauron, Prince Xizor, and Edward Cullen. "I caught these pansies tryin' ter gate crash," he grumbled.

Sauron gazed greedily at the Oreos. "Ah, Oreos! The one cookie to RULE THEM ALL!"

Edward Cullen ran to Cedric and went on his hands and knees. "Help me, my friend! Please! Save me from the fate worse than death!"

Cedric glowered at his doppelganger. "Heck no. You've made me an unwilling target of fan girls. Get a life!"

Prince Xizor sprinted at Luke. "Skywalker! Give me the crayons and no one gets hurt!"

Hagrid clubbed all three of the party crashers on the head with his umbrella. They fell to the ground. "Bleedin' monsters." The half-giant muttered as he dragged them to the brig. Well, the mansion didn't have a brig, so Hagrid would probably just take them to Jar Jar's room, where they would be tortured until their deaths.

Severus Snape eyed his vomit laden plate in disgust. "Perfect, Black. Did you know your vomit has little black specks swimming through it? Must be the fleas you had lapped up earlier during your _bath."_

Sirius sent a death glare at his nemesis. This did not daunt Snape, and the two glared at each other in a bothersome way. "Oh, I'm sorry, Snapadoodle. You're just bothered that your famous theme song isn't playing right now. _I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are all standing in a row!" _

Wolf glared at Sirius as she began to eat her carrot cake.

Snape raised one thin eyebrow. "Black, you're just irked by the fact that the District Attorney had half of his face incinerated off by a demented clown, aren't you?"

"Go wrap yourself in a cocoon and shut up, Snape!"

Wolf pounded on the table with an iron fist, her face beet red. Sirius backed away from his seat near the authoress in fear. Oh dang, Wolf was ticked. But she wasn't just ticked. Steam was fuming from her ears and nostrils. She opened her mouth to speak-

And a sizzling fireball flew from her mouth and collided with the cheese, making cheese rain from the sky.

"HOLY CRAP!" everyone hollered. But Wolf wasn't done yet. She proceeded to chase Sirius around the table while spitting fire at his rear, much to Snape's pleasure, as well as everyone else's.

"SOMEBODY GET THIS DERANGED PYRO OFF MY TAIL!" Sirius yelled at the others, but this was just too entertaining for them.

Aragorn decided to rifle through Wolf's food to see what had caused her fire breath. "Steak, cornbread, gelato, cheese, more cheese...Good grief, how much does this girl eat?" He fingered some orangey crumbs on Wolf's plate, finally realizing the source of the flames. "Oh crud..."

Orion poked his head down to Aragorn's height. _I smell...Is that dragon eggs I'm sniffing?_

"I think so," Aragorn replied, gulping. "I might have accidentally put them in my cake."

_Well then...YOU MONSTER! _Orion smacked Aragorn with his tail; Aragorn hit the opposite wall with a satisfying WHAM! Sirius continued to run and scream as Wolf pursued him around the table, flames flying from her throat.

Anakin glanced at the spectacles, not sure what to say. "Well, this is odd," he said to no one in particular. He took another bite of Obi-Wan's surprise. Next to him, Mace was struggling to stand. The drunken Jedi Master had finally regained consciousness. He swung his arms in a clumsy gesture-and made a large glass bowl smash into Anakin's face and shatter into tiny shards.

"Oh my Force, they killed Ani!" Eowyn said. The sometimes suicidal transvestite was unable to resist a _South Park _reference, even if the moment was serious.

"DAD!" Luke cried. he searched for a pulse, but to no avail. Luke then activated his lightsaber and pointed it at Mace's jugular. "Hello. My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

It was havoc. Wolf, fire still streaming out of her mouth, was almost caught up to Sirius, and she shot a spurt of flames at Sirius' robes. Clothing set ablaze, Sirius screamed.

"Black!" Snape said to his childhood nemesis. "I'll make a deal with you."

"NO WAY, SNIVELLUS!" Sirius said, as he attempted to put out the fire with his wand while running from Wolf at the same time. Golly, it's a good thing no one else liked carrot cake, huh?

Snape raised one eyebrow. "That's fine with me. Let the girl kill you with her flaming breath then."

"OKAY THEN! THIS IS TOO HUMILIATING TO GO ON, ANYWAYS!"

"You will go by the name 'Princess Cuddles McFluffigan.'"

"NO WAY!"

"Remember the girl with the flaming breath..."

"FINE!"

"You will also wear trashy makeup."

"OKAY THEN!"

"And he could wear a frilly pink dress for a few weeks!" added Han. He was laughing at Luke and Mace, for Anakin was now sitting up, clearly either alive or undead. Since he wasn't trying to eat Leia's head off, we can assume it was the former.

Snape nodded. "That too. You also must go streaking."

"NO WAY I'M DOING THAT!"

"Fine. Then I'll show everyone that picture of you from the Gryffindor New Year's Eve Party when you were in 5th year."

Silence. Wolf had paused in her chase, allowing Sirius time to digest this. If she didn't find out now what that picture was, she would.

"...You wouldn't, Snape."

"I assure you, Black, I most certainly would."

"...Fine, I'll do all of that."

"Perfect!" said Blaze, clapping her hands together. "Let's go do your creepy, disgusting makeup, then!" Her and Kattie, both grinning like maniacs, dragged Sirius out fo the room.

* * *

Wolf and Severus (_I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! La da la da dum!) _were now the only ones remaining in the scorched dining hall. Wolf, stuffing the carrot cake into a plastic bag (For it was too incredible to waste), grinned at the Potions Master. "Thanks for blackmailing Sirius. He stole all of my socks last weekend."

"No problem." Snape glared at the ceiling. "And stop singing that irksome song!"

"So, Severus..." Wolf sighed. How could she ask this? "...Can I see that picutre you were blackmailing Sirius with?"

"Sure." He pulled the picture out of a robe pocket (This guy really was prepared for everything) and showed it to Wolf.

Immediately after seeing the picture, Wolf found herself on the floor, laughing and crying. "OH MY WORD, THAT'S HYSTERICAL!" So what was on the scrap of flimsy paper, you might ask?

Yeah, like I'm going to tell you.

* * *

**Well, what did you think on the ending? I might tell you what it was, might not...Mwuahaha! **

**Ten points to whoever catches the **_**Dark Knight **_**reference (besides the beginning with Luke). And another ten points to whoever catches the **_**Alice in Wonderland **_**reference!**

**Gryffindor: 111 points**

**Ravenclaw: 92 points**

**Jedi Order: 56 points**

**Slytherin: 46 points**

**Hufflepuff: 18 points**

**Sith Order: Still zero...Suckers. Evil is a pile of troll dung!**


	25. The Dodgeball Rematch

**Wolf: Well everyone, guess what? ...I had to eat broccoli. Do you know what that means? Something absolutely hilarious for another character. Dun, dun, DUN...**

**The **_**Dark Knight **_**reference was when Snape said, "Black, you're just irked by the fact that the District Attorney had half of his face incinerated off by a demented clown, aren't you?" Gary Oldman, the guy who plays Sirius Black, also plays Commissioner Gordon in **_**The Dark Knight.**_

**Not one person found the **_**Alice in Wonderland **_**reference. It was right after Snape's quote, when Sirius said, "Go wrap yourself in a cocoon and shut up, Snape!" Alan Rickman, the amazing man who plays Severus Snape, also stars as Absalem the blue caterpillar in **_**Alice in Wonderland.**_

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Dora the Explorer, A Very Potter Musical, G-Force, Rocky, The Matrix, The Wizard of Oz, **_**Hershey's, Oreos, Ben and Jerry's, Altoids, Reese's Pieces, Nemesis, Blaze, or any of the songs in this story.**

**Also, Wolf's dream will be a major plot point in a multi-part that is yet to come. **

**Chapter Twenty-Five: The Dodgeball Rematch

* * *

**

Wolf's dream this night was the oddest she had ever had. And that's saying something.

_A banana wielding a pair of scissors was tap dancing...A giant marshmallow was now chasing after Neville Longbottom...Nemesis was devouring her usual rhubarb pie, only now the pie was singing show tunes...Mace Windu was sobbing over a buffalo's dead body..._

The dreams began to warp, becoming more and more vivid...

_Green numbers were bleeping into existence rapidly, clouding Wolf's vision...A dark, cold voice was whispering her name, louder and louder each time--Then a face appeared, with yellow speckled eyes and a mouth filled with blood..."Wolf...Wolf...WOLF!"_

Wolf awoke with a start, knocking a glass of milk over with her elbow onto her bedroom floor. Moonlight shined through her blinds, illuminating her messy room. "That is the LAST time I eat cookies before bed!" she exclaimed.

But the same dream kept occurring each night, and after a week of the same creeping face, Wolf was sick of it. Something was definitely up.

* * *

Voldemort happily skipped through the field, tossing daisies and tulips into the air.

Now, I know what you're saying: "WHAT THE (Insert swear word here) IS VOLDEMORT DOING?!" Well, remember what Wolf said about the day she ate broccoli would be the day Voldemort skipped through a field of daisies and tulips? Well, Wolf's mom had made her eat broccoli. So Voldemort had to do the other half of the bet he hadn't even made. He didn't even mind! That was what was so creepy, he was enjoying it! In fact, he was loving it so much he was speaking in sonnets. Gliding through the air, he was saying:

"_It's springtime with Voldemort_

_Lord Voldemort is the man_

_Striking down Muggles with a BAM_

_Then I'll have a doctor fix my nasty wart_

_I'll murder Harry Potter_

_Right among these pretty flowers_

_I have so many more terrible powers_

_I'll take Potty down like a sheep at the slaughter!_

_But I don't really care about all that_

_Why should I? My servants are crap_

_Bellatrix stalks me, others died with a snap_

_One servant's a traitor, the other's a rat!"_

"Wow..." Ron whispered to Harry from their hiding spot behind some rocks. "Voldemort should not get a career in poetry. He's bloody awful."

"I know," Harry said as he took a bite from his giant Hershey's bar as Voldemort cheerily burst into a chorus of sounds that sounded suspiciously like curses blasting into people. "This guy is one sick megalomaniac. Time to take him down. Begin Operation Chunky Monkey!"

Next to Harry was a rather enormous cage. Harry unlatched it, and several flying monkeys darted out, right at the rhyming Dark Lord. "EEK!" Voldemort shrieked, completely forgetting about his wand and instead running for his life.

Then Hermione leapt out from a rocky alcove and began to thrash Voldemort with a chair. Eowyn, the new butt-kicking girl from Middle-earth, unleashed her sword and joined in the brawl. Wolf teleported a few feet away from the action and pulled out a lawn chair, perfectly fine with just watching the show. She conjured a bag of popcorn and a frappucino. Nemesis joined her after a few minutes. "Do you think the villains will ever decide to retaliate?"

"I doubt it," said Obi-Wan, who had appeared out of nowhere. Him, Anakin, Luke, Han, and Yoda all took a seat on the ground, while Wolf began to doze off in her chair. "After all, they haven't done anything for a few months, with the exception of mine and Anakin's little escapade at that donut shop. And that was all Anakin's fault."

"Was not!" Anakin shot back. "You didn't know how to stop them!"

"But I said 'Swiper no swiping!' That ALWAYS works."

"No it doesn't!"

"Yes it does!"

"I know it does, but you're supposed to say it THREE times! You only said it once!"

"Idiots," said Leia as she joined the audience. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"That is REALLY getting old, sis," Luke muttered.

* * *

_A few hours later..._

"I quit!" Voldemort cried at the meeting of the Dark Siders, slamming his pale, bony fist onto the table. "Lord Voldemort is tired of dealing with Mudbloods and Jedi!"

Palpy-cakes--"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"--nodded slowly, gears whirring in his shriveled, creepy, evil mind. "Yes...Do you remember what happened right before Darth Vader became Anakin Skywalker?"

Count Chocula's (Dooku's) eyes widened. "Of course! But how will we do it?"

Palpy-cakes smiled that black and yellow grin of his. "Trust me, my former apprentice. I have a plan."

* * *

_Even later than that..._

Sirius Black, dressed in a frilly pink dress and wearing a caked on layer of makeup, slammed the door of the living room as he stomped over to the television. Blast everyone! Snape's blackmail was ruining his life! Anakin Skywalker was following him around, bellowing "Wizard in a Pink Dress" as often as he could, Luke Skywalker snapping photos at intervals, claiming it was only on a study of cross-dressers...But it was much better than what that picture of him at the Gryffindor New Year's Eve party showed.

He glanced around. The room's only other occupant was Wolf, who happened to be dozing on the sofa with a game controller resting in her right hand and an empty mug of coffee dangling from her left. The dreams had finally given her some respite, so she had taken a nap. Sirius was about to start watching _The Return of the King _when a an owl came flying through the window and dumped a letter on Wolf's forehead.

Wolf's reaction happened immediately: She awoke with a start, jumped off the sofa, and ignited her two blue lightsabers. "Where's the fire!?" she shouted. She then spotted Sirius and his ridiculous attire and sighed. Poor guy. Her gaze turned to the letter. Ripping apart the envelope, she opened the letter and read out loud:

"_Anakin Skywalker, Harry Potter, Wolf, and various:_

"_Due to your inexcusable actions against our own Lord Voldemort, we, the Legion of Dark, challenge you to a rematch of dodgeball."_

Wolf snorted. "Yeah, like those pansies can actually succeed at anything.

"_The game shall be this Friday, at six o'clock, in the Great Hall. Winner take all. No rules apply._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Amazingly Royal Fantastic Epic Awesome Emperor Palpatine."_

"Wow, that guy has a lot of titles," Sirius commented.

Wolf narrowed her eyes. "He's up to something..."

"Obviously. So what's the plan?"

Wolf smiled slightly. "When they attack us, we go in the other direction."

"Oh yes, how clever. I think I'd do a better job of getting us out of a deal we can't stand. It's my specialty."

"Says the man wearing so much makeup he looks like an Oompa Loompa."

"Shut up."

* * *

_Even later than THAT...And by this, I mean several days have passed..._

They all lined up on the dividing black line. Only one insignificant little line stood between arch enemies, yet the line was holding them back...Talk about the strangest good versus evil battle ever. I've seen odd, but COME ON! Dodgeball, seriously? What a bunch of morons!

Palpatine, Voldemort, and Sauron stepped forward from the villains' line. To everyone's astonishment, Wolf and Nemesis both joined Anakin, Harry, and Aragorn at the parlay. This worried and even alarmed many people. After all, none of the Earthling authoresses had played in the last dodgeball game, how would they know if they were amazing or if they sucked royal hippogriff? Only time would tell, I guess. Blah, blah, blah, let's move on from the fortune cookie crap.

Voldemort glowered at Harry as they began to insult each other in Parseltongue. Ignoring this, Palpatine addressed Anakin, "So, I highly doubt you with escape this time, my former apprentice."

Anakin smiled. He had just overloaded on whitening strips, and now his teeth were fluorescent blue. "Au contraire, Palpadoodle, I do not doubt our victory today."

Voldemort paused in his insult streak. "Palpadoodle? How quaint."

"I agree, Voldy," said Aragorn.

"DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

"Would you prefer Voldy-cheeks?" asked Wolf. Voldy-cheeks slammed his forehead against his right palm and shrieked with frustration. "Okay, there's no rules in this tournament, blah, blah, blah. START!" And Wolf whipped a dodgeball right into Saurman's face, just as Nemesis's dodgeball collided with Count Chocula's nose. Both of them took a seat on the bench. For a moment both of them had an odd thought that they looked very similar. However, they shook their head, believing that they had spotted nothing.

Right?

...Anyways. The Great Hall was in chaos. Dodgeballs soared through the air, either bouncing harmlessly off the walls or smashing into someone's unsuspecting face. It was all a fun game until someone's teeth were knocking out and clattered onto the floor like pointy little Altoids slipping out of some moronic kid's mouth...then it was hilarious.

Anakin, hurling a red rubber ball at Grima Wormtongue, growled as he tried to figure out Palpatine's strategy. There had to be some sort of catch! Something he knew that they didn't...something that would practically guarantee victory for the villains...but what?

He looked at Wolf, Nemesis, and Blaze, who were deftly dodging, ducking, dipping, diving, and dodging every ball that flew in their direction all the while pounding the enemy to the ground. He looked at Hermione and Eowyn, who were in a terrifying rage (Which was normal for Hermione in battle). He looked at his own kids, who were attempting to knock everyone's block off. He looked at Sirius and Snape, who were arguing.

"Snape, I'm telling you, your greasy hair is the reason why my hands are dropping the dodgeballs! They grease is splattering everywhere!" Sirius said.

"Oh really, Black? I was under the assumption you didn't even have opposable thumbs, seeing how you're a deranged mutt. Therefore, you can't even hold a dodgeball."

It came as no surprise when two dodgeballs hit Snape and Sirius in each of their stomachs. Both sat on the bench, joining an ever-growing crowd.

Ron Weasley and Sauron both spun to knock each other out. However...

"AHH! A GINGER!" Sauron shrieked girlishly, dropping his dodgeball like it was a _Hannah Montana _CD. Ron still whirled back his arm and sent the ball flying right into Sauron's masked face. With a clang, Sauron fell to the floor. Gingers ROCK.

All was still, for no one could believe what they had just seen. Ron Weasley had just taken on Sauron, and he had WON. He had defeated a Dark Lord...And with only a rubber ball. And to think it took Frodo and Sam journeying into a volcano to take him down in the original story. What a pansy.

Anakin was still pondering. What could Palpatine possibly be planning? Unless...Oh crap.

"TIME OUT!" he hollered. With one of their best men down, the villains happily obliged. Saruman ran up and helped Sauron, who had blood gushing out of his mask, to the benches. Palpy-cakes, Voldy-cheeks, Draco Malfoy, Darth Maul, and the Witch-king all grouped into a tight circle, discussing their battle plan.

Wolf, Nemesis, Blaze, Ron, Luke, Han/Indiana, and Pippin Took all gathered around Anakin. "What's this all about?" Blaze asked, a demented glint in her eyes. Each authoress was having different thoughts.

_Anakin is smoking HOT, _Blaze thought to herself with a grin.

_I really hope we get to have some rhubarb pie after this, _Nemesis thought with a sigh.

_Blue is a color, _Wolf thought matter-of-factly.

"Guys, we have a major problem," Anakin said with a grimace of horror on his face.

"Anakin, we all know we have problems, it doesn't help when you keep bringing it up. The voices don't like that," Wolf replied.

"Not those kind of problems, you lunatic! I'm talking about Palpatine's plan!"

"Which is..." Luke asked, trailing off.

Anakin took a deep breath. Then he exhaled. In, and out. In, and out. In, and out. In, and--

"This is not a time for breathing exercises! I WANNA KICK SOME EVIL BUTT!" Pippin all but screamed.

"Fine! I think Palpatine is planning on using a guinea pig army."

Ron was gaping as he shoveled some junk food he had on hand into his mouth. "...Oh my word no way. Reese's Pieces?" Ron held up the bag to Wolf, who gratefully began munching on the amazing peanut buttery goodness.

"Anakin, that has to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard," Pippin said.

"What makes you say that, Mister Hotshot Jedi?" Nemesis asked, disbelief etched on her face.

"Anakin is hot!" Blaze exclaimed before she could control herself.

Everyone ignored her. So Blaze joined Ron and Wolf and began to devour some Reese's Pieces.

"Well," Anakin continued. "He has that creepy look on his face, and he also smells like rodents."

"MMMPH!" Wolf said, but her words were muffled by the Reese's Pieces. She swallowed. "Yeah, he attacked Orion and me with some guinea pigs last week. By the way, shall I call him?"

Anakin grinned rapturously. "Actually, I have a better plan..."

* * *

_One minutes later...Which is not much later, by any means..._

"ATTACK, MY GUINEA PIGS!" Palpy-cakes hollered to the sky. Everyone else merely laughed as guinea pigs began pouring through the doors. Come on, guinea pigs? Honestly?

Wolf huffed as she blew a strand of messed up hair away from her face. "When this is over, can we just go to Pigfarts?"

No one understood the reference. Nor did they care, for Nightspike and the hard core unicorns were now galloping in, rearing up and mauling Palpy-cakes and the Gay Force guinea pig army.

Palpy-cakes's attempt at obliterating the heroes was an EPIC FAILURE! What's more, he now had no guinea pig army and he had to give his double-stuffed Oreos, which Ron and Wolf thoroughly enjoyed.

All was well...But not for Sauron, who had to be sent to the ER for brain damage by dodgeball. How embarrassing.

* * *

**Wolf: Five points go to whoever finds the **_**Rocky **_**reference, and another ten points go to whoever unearths the **_**A Very Potter Musical **_**reference!**

**Also, Christopher Lee plays both Saruman and Count Dooku. Just clearing that up for anyone who was bamboozled by that.**

**The House Cup**

**Gryffindor: 121 points**

**Ravenclaw: 106 points**

**Jedi Order: 63 points**

**Slytherin: 47 points**

**Hufflepuff: 19 points**

**Sith Order: Still 0...HAPPY DAY!**


	26. A Nightmare on Elder Street

**Wolf: This chapter was supposed to be posted sooner, but then I decided to write about the dodgeball rematch, so here it is!**

**In this chapter, we FINALLY figure out why Draco is acting so creepy! Dun, dun, dun...**

**The **_**A Very Potter Musical **_**reference was when Wolf mentioned Pigfarts. The **_**Rocky **_**reference was when Flow the Narrator mentioned "knock his block off."**

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Indiana Jones, Pokemon, Friday the 13th, Air Force One, Twilight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, **_**Starbucks, Twizzlers, Harrison Ford, Dairy Queen, Scrabble, Monopoly, Pictionary, Nemesis, Blaze, or any of the songs in this story.**

**Chapter Twenty-Six: A Nightmare on Elder Street

* * *

**

After a formerly aloof and cold guy acts like a deranged, obsessed stalker for several months, you know something is up. This is what Wolf was thinking as she leafed through her algebra book, not comprehending a word she was reading. Also with her in the Common Room were Nemesis, Blaze, Anakin, Luke, Yoda, Luna, Hermione, and Frodo.

"Hey," said Nemesis as she browsed through a history book. "I found a hilarious fact about the Civil War! Sometimes during battles at lunchtime, both sides would raise the white surrender flags so they could eat lunch peacefully. Immediately after, they would go back to killing each other again. How whacked is that?"

"Very whacked," replied Blaze as she guzzled down a pixie stick.

"I have a question," said Wolf in a bamboozled voice. Everyone else stopped what they were doing and looked at the crazy lady. "Why is Draco being such a stalker? He never acted like that in the series, and I didn't mess with anyone's minds to make them act out of character like that."

"That is a good question, actually," said Anakin as he rubbed an imaginary beard, deep in thought.

"It's the Wrackspurts!" exclaimed Luna. Everyone ignored her.

"Poisoned, Ferret Boy's mind is," said Yoda. Blaze snorted at Yoda calling anyone a rude name. "By what, I know not. Dark, this is."

Hermione squirmed a little in her seat. Oh no, she couldn't have...

"I have a confession to make."

All conversation stopped. The Jedi in the room now could sense a shadow of guilt and anxiousness within Hermione's presence. "Well, what is it, Hermione?" Anakin asked.

Hermione took a deep breath, feeling quite queasy. "I...cursed Draco horribly a few months ago. He ended up smashing his head against some brickwork. It probably confounded hem so badly that he lost his mind and became obsessed with Wolf (though I don't know why he would). Please don't make me kill you all in self-defense!"

All was silent. Wolf's hand was itching towards her lightsaber, but she shook her head. This wasn't Hermione's fault, really. It was all an accident. If she could blame anyone, it was probably Draco, the little git.

"I don't know why," said Nemesis. "but I have the feeling this is all Luke's fault."

"Whoa, hold the comlink!" shouted Luke indignantly. "My fault? Why me? What did I do?"

"I don't know! Maybe because you did something stupid again!"

"I'll show you stupid!" Luke ignited his lightsaber, the lime green blade extending from the hilt. Nemesis attempted to activate her lightsaber, but it wouldn't work.

"Hold on..." Wolf said, grinning ear to ear. "Nemesis, is your lightsaber out of batteries?"

"Err...Maybe? It needs forty-two batteries. I have none on hand right now." The other half of the duo of DOOM responded.

"Well that's too bad," said Wolf. "because you know I never carry batteries or other necessities with me.

"DARN IT ALL!" Nemesis ducked as Luke took a swing--and the right wall imploded.

In walked Palpatine, Saruman, Count Dooku, Darth Maul, Lucius Malfoy, and--speak of the devil/ferret--Draco Malfoy.

"Count Dooku!" Anakin cried, pointing at Saruman.

"Saruman!" Frodo cried, pointing at Count Dooku.

Dookie Cookie and Salsaman both sighed. They just couldn't become accustomed to everyone confusing the pair of them.

"Attack!" Palpatine shrieked, his wrinkles contorting revoltingly as everyone snatched up their weapons.

"Take no prisoners!" Blaze screeched as she locked sabers with Dookie Cookie.

All was chaos. Luna and Hermione were dueling against Draco and Lucy-Lu, lights soaring from their wands; Anakin and Luke were locked in battle against Old and Wrinkly; Yoda was flipping to and fro, his tiny lightsaber slashing at Darth Maul like a green razorblade; Nemesis and Blaze were beating the crap out of Salsaman with Nemesis's pitchfork and Blaze's candy arrows; Wolf was thrashing Dookie Cookie with her licorice whip; Frodo did nothing and began to talk to his cheeseburger.

"We really should get out of here, shouldn't we, my precious? Yes, my precioussss..." the hobbit trailing off, sounding creepily like Gollum with the One Ring. He exited, heading for the kitchens.

It was over as soon as it had begun. Palpatine crashed to the ground with a _thud, _landing unconscious beside Salsaman, Darth Maul, and Lucy-Lu. Peculiarly, only the Fantastic Flying Ferret was remaining.

"That's it, you filthy Mudblood!" He twirled his wand at Hermione (which looked really lame). "_Avada--"_

BANG! A spell from Hermione smashed into Draco. His head hit the opposite wall with a crack. Hermione blew a puff of smoke away from the tip of her wand. "Piece of cake."

"Is he alright?" asked Blaze.

"Who cares?" everyone else replied, looking as though Christmas had come early.

"Ugh..." Draco groaned as he sat up, rubbing a baseball-sized lump on his scalp. He frowned, then his eyes widened as he gasped. "Holy crud, I've been acting like an idiot!" He sneered at everyone, which made Wolf grunt in vexation. Oh, heck no...

Draco Malfoy had just regained his sanity. The little dunderhead stood up, upturned his nose haughtily, and shot one last glance at Wolf as he strutted out the door.

* * *

The next few days passed by with hardly any incidents. Orion accidentally lit Mace's Jedi robes on fire, Nemesis decided to make "Thriller" Snape's new theme song, and Anakin crashed Obi-Wan's Mustang into the local Starbucks. Other than that, nothing much happened.

Then disaster struck...and almost no one even realized it.

Luke and Wolf sat alone on the front porch, playing a lonely game of Scrabble. "I'm bored," said Luke as he spelled out the word "potato".

"Aren't we all," Wolf muttered as she placed the word "parallelogram" onto the board, earning her several points. "Want to go get something to eat?"

"As long as it's not pie, okay. You eat way too much pie, you know." The pair ambled off the porch and began their trek to Dairy Queen.

Wolf check the time on her cell phone (It was 5:00) before responding to Luke. "Hey, you can never have to much pie!"

"Oh yes you can! You and Nemesis are obsessed with it! Blaze is the only one of you who isn't!"

"But she's obsessed with candy!" Wolf lashed out at a pebble with her foot; it went flying into the air. She continued to walk with Luke, her feet crunching with snow underneath. And that's when the alarm bells in Wolf's head began to whirl.

"Luke, why is everything cold?" she asked, confused. They both stopped, hands instinctively reaching for their lightsabers. And that was when the spotted the dementors--hundreds of them, all descending down from the sky like black umbrellas or demonic...thingies.

"Crap!" Luke cried as his teeth began to chatter. "Do something, Wolf!"

"I can't!" the young authoress was terrified, memories flashing through her mind. "I lost my wand and I don't have the hang of wandless Patronuses yet!" Then the voices and memories took hold of the two...

_Wolf was flipping off a bicycle, soaring headfirst down the hill and towards the rocky ground...She was caught in the undertow of the water, fighting her way to the surface...The dark, mysterious face was screeching in her face..._

Wolf passed out, the dementors finally breaking her. Luke soon joined her.

Everything was going according to Palpy-cakes's plan.

* * *

"I win! The cookies are mine!" a jubilant Obi-Wan bellowed as he showed everyone his royal flush. Grumbling, his fellow poker players shoved a gigantic pile of chocolate chip cookies to the Jedi Master. Triumphant, Obi-Wan began humming happily.

Nemesis threw down her cards in boredom. "Let's play Monopoly instead!"

"Never!" Anakin said, denying the kooky Random Master. "I refuse to play that monotonous monstrosity!"

"Ooh!" Luna cheered. "Are we talking in alliterations again? Blabbering butter biscuits!"

"Midget mania!" added Sam. Aragorn snickered at this. "Come on, it's not my fault I'm short! I'm a hobbit!" Sam crossed his arms over his chest while everyone else rolled their eyes.

"Has anyone seen Wolf or Luke?" questioned Anakin.

Ron shrugged. "They're probably eating marshmallows or something incredibly boring like that." He wolfed down some Twizzlers as he spoke.

* * *

A groan escaped from Luke's throat as he slowly and painfully regained consciousness. Opening his eyes, he experienced a burst of agony: Wolf's foot was on his face. "Get off!" he snarled, flinging her foot away.

Wolf awoke with a start. "Sorry, Luke!"

"Yeah, well...Any idea where we are?" They glanced around, making mental notes about their surroundings. The room was bare with the exception of one cot and a barred window. Outside, Wolf and Luke could make out the words "Elder Street" on a street sign among the buildings. The sun was beginning to set, swathing the world in a sea of orangey light.

"Well, then...Shall we plan an escape?" Luke said. They both tiptoed to the door, but before they could pick the lock it slammed open. Palpatine sauntered in.

"Holy pastrami, it's a zombie!" Luke screamed. "Quick shoot its head off!"

Palpatine glowered at Luke. "Quiet, my new apprentice! Anyways, we have decided to change the Rule of Two to the Rule of However Many We Want. Now I shall have both of you as apprentices! Mwuahaha!"

Wolf resisted rolling her eyes at the pathetically evil dunderhead. "Dude, you've already tried, and _failed, _at converting Luke or me. What makes you believe this attempt will be any different? Besides, I loathe evil. I thought everyone knew that!" Dang straight, Wolf. A lesson to be learned from everything: Evil will make you hideous and pedophilic.

"THAT'S A LIE!" Palpy-cakes bellowed. Hey, wait a minute. This was Palpatine, why would he be able to read the narration? He totally sucks royal Wookie! Also, why did he have to talk in all caps? That's lame.

"Anyways," Palpy-cakes continued. "I will work with Luke later, but Wolf will be the first. By the way, I brought someone here to see you..."

That was when Draco Malfoy trotted in. The first thing Wolf did was snatch up the cot to beat the little stalker with it.

"No, Wolf!" Luke pushed Wolf, still holding the cot, away from the villains. "That's exactly what Palpatine wants!"

Wolf, still ticked off, dropped the cot; it fell to the dirty floor with a clang. "Fine then. When does the psychological manipulation begin, Mister Old and Wrinkly?"

Palpy-cakes did not turn the same color as a rotten tomato. His mouth didn't even twitch. Instead, he grinned, which was a bad sign for our heroes. That jerk. "Oh no, Darth Vex. That won't be for a while. Instead, you will be going with Mister Malfoy on a date, accompanied by all of us at a dinner."

Wolf and Luke gaped at him, totally at a loss for words. It took Wolf a few seconds to regain her composure. She only said three little words that spelled out doom: "Bring. It. On."

Palpatine finally frowned, his wrinkles distorting his face even more. "Snape! Take these two down to the chambers! They need to get ready."

As Snape walked in, Luke gave a little gulp, but Wolf still stood tall. They wanted a date? That was fine with her. They were in for the time of their lives.

* * *

Hermione thrust open the doors of the Common Room, startling everyone from their game of Pictionary. "Hey everyone," she said as she flung herself onto the couch. Once they saw Hermione was engrossed in her book, they all returned to their game.

It was quite the bizarre group: Anakin, Obi-Wan, Yoda, Han/Indiana, Leia, Harry, Ron, Neville, Luna, Sirius, Aragorn, Sam, Frodo (who was still talking to the cheeseburger), Gandalf, and Eowyn. The _Star Wars_, _Harry Potter_, and _Lord of the Rings _characters were each on their own teams. Nemesis and Blaze were both watching from afar, eating pie and candy.

"Okay!" said Harry. "Guess what I'm drawing!" He flipped over the hourglass and began to draw his amazing picture.

"It's a unicorn!" shouted Neville.

"No, a tiger!" exclaimed Ron.

Luna shook her head. "It's obviously a yeti."

"No!" Sirius slammed his fist down onto the table. "I think it's an elephant!"

The final grains of sand plummeted down to the bottom of the hourglass. "It was a banana, you morons!" Harry hollered in frustration. Blimey, his team sucked.

* * *

Ascending to their new and, hopefully, temporary quarters, Wolf and Luke began plotting their escape with Snape. Actually, Wolf was the one doing all of the plotting; silently she would frown, grin, laugh, or spit at random moments as a plan formed in her mind.

"I thought Draco didn't like Wolf anymore!" Luke said. He was so bamboozled right now.

Snape sighed. "No, Draco's still..._hitting _on her. He just decided to be less public about it. It was all very embarrassing once he had his sense back to normal."

They reached a plain black door. It contrasted sharply with the doors back at the mansion, which were brightly colored and peculiarly-shaped. Once inside, all three of them scouted the premises, looking for tools to use in Wolf's and Luke's escape.

"There's a wardrobe over here, but it's full of dresses and crap."

"I found a toaster, do you guys think that'd be useful?"

"There is nothing in the bathroom that could be of use."

After a long search, Luke sat on the couch with a drawn-out sigh. Snape paced, and Wolf began writing down a list. "Okay, Severus, I need you to find for me everything on this list."

Taking the list from Wolf, Snape quickly scanned it. "Hockey mask...glass bottled root beer..._laxatives_? Wolf, what do you expect to do with all of this garbage?"

"Just find it, okay? And send a message to the others, we could use some help. In the meantime, I have to get ready for that..._date. _If I vomit later on, just ignore me."

"I might vomit just by watching," said Luke as he attempted to meditate.

* * *

"Han, I have absolutely no idea what your picture is supposed to be!" Leia hollered in annoyance, throwing the dice at her boyfriend.

"First off, my name is Indiana." Han/Indiana traced the brim of his fedora hat. "Second of all, it's clearly a crystal skull!"

"Han, you're obsessed with these treasures that do not exist! Give it up, you're not Indiana Jones!" said Obi-Wan, smacking his forehead.

"Never! You're not taking this plane!"

_Oh great, _Orion said as he nudged the door open and went to sit beside Nemesis and Blaze. _Han thinks he's in all of the Harrison Ford movies again._

An odd tapping on the window interrupted Han's ranting Sitting on the windowsill was a great horned owl, a letter in its beak. "Should I get it?" Blaze asked.

Nemesis waved her hand dismissively. "No, it's probably nothing."

* * *

Voldemort tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for Palpatine's new apprentices. "You said Snape would be here with them by now!" Palpy-cakes, Draco, Voldy-cheeks, Sauron, Bellatrix, Lucius Malfoy, and all of the other villains were waiting for Wolf and Luke. After a few minutes, Snape had decided to go fetch them.

There he was now! Snape, accompanied by Luke, both strode towards the rest of the group; Luke looking incredibly bored. "Tell me where Darth Vex is!" Palpy-cakes demanded.

Luke shrugged. "She said she'd be coming up in a few minutes."

"Well, she better hurry, I made reservations and we can't be--"

"Don't get your panties in a knot!" said Wolf. Palpatine smiled. Finally, she had been taking forever. And she was wearing--

"What the heck is that?"

Palpatine thought Wolf's apparel was disturbing; Luke thought it was hysterical; Snape thought it was ridiculous. Everyone else could only gape. Wolf was attired in a black cape with a red and white striped shirt with only the right sleeve, lime green gloves, electric purple tights, orange shorts, mismatching socks (one obnoxious yellow and the other white with blue polka dots), and her usual ratty tennis shoes.

"Well," she said, grinning as though her birthday had come early. "If one is a loser, then one must dress like a loser. Shall we be off then?"

"You know, Wolf," Luke said to her as they clambered into the large limo. "you really are a pain in the rear."

Wolf laughed, still smiling. "Good. That means I'm doing my job."

* * *

"Hey guys, I just finished my copy of _Twilight: Abridged Edition_! Want to hear the ending?" Hermione asked everyone. They all nodded. Hermione read just one sentence. "And Buffy killed Edward."

"Wow," Anakin said with a smirk. "That was way better than the original ending!" He glanced at Aragorn, who was scribbling what looked like a hot dog with wings.

Soon Aragorn's time ran out; no one had guessed the picture correctly. "It's a mouse!"

"I thought it looked more like a hot dog with wings," said Nemesis. Aragorn banged his head on the table.

* * *

The Sith, Death Eaters, Dark Lords, the spy, and the two prisoners took their seats in the dining hall. A crystal chandelier was hanging about eight feet above their heads, and the candles hanging from it bathed the hall in dim light. Several fancily dressed couples were seated at small tables, sipping champagne and eating bonbons. Many of them were casting Wolf dirty looks, but they merely made Wolf laugh harder. What, they actually thought she cared about what they thought of her?

Finally, she took a deep breath and held in her giggling, going over her plan in her head.

"So, shall we place our orders?" asked Voldy-cheeks. Distracted by Wolf's shocking clothing choice, none of the other customers had noticed Voldy-cheeks's lack of a nose. "Anyways," he said to the waiter. "I'll have the salmon with a side of broccoli."

"I'll take the filet mignon," ordered Sauron. "It's the one dish to RULE THEM--"

"Yeah, yeah, rule them all, we get it," said Wolf, rolling her eyes. "I'll have the chicken nuggets, lasagna, two sides of mashed potatoes, some peppermint ice cream, spaghetti and meatballs, a New York Strip steak, the shrimp scampi, an orange soda, and do you have any pie?"

The waiter's jaw dropped. "Lady, that order is...huge. Are you sure you'll be able to eat it?"

"Yeah!" added Palpatine. "You're wasting my money!"

"Trust me, my friend, I _will _eat it all." He took everyone else's orders and left for the kitchen, looking flustered.

"So," said Draco with a cold smirk. "I believe this is the part where you realize how awesome I am, Wolf."

"I, for one," Luke butted in. "believe this is the part where we kick your skinny white butt."

"As if, Skywalker." Draco upturned his nose as if Luke had just rolled in Wookie turds. Sighing, Wolf reached into her satchel and pulled out a whole platter of brownies. Now, you may be wondering how Wolf managed to fit a whole platter of brownies in her satchel along with all of her other things. The answer is: Use your imagination, genius!

"What are those?" Lucius piped up, suddenly interested. Who doesn't love brownies?

Wolf protected the brownies like a mother hawk. You know, a free spirit that seems nice at first, but mess with one of her chicks (or brownies) and she will attack! "Stay away!"

Sauron and Bellatrix lunged for her at the exact same time, wrenching the brownies from her grasp and leaving their captive without a treat. Snape (one of the only people who hated brownies) watched the villains shovel the chocolaty dessert down their throats. It was quite repulsive to watch. Snape glanced at Wolf, expecting to see her sobbing, but, to his astonishment, she was smirking as though laughing at an inside joke.

* * *

As Fred and George Weasley ambled into the Common Room, they barely avoided being smothered by a torrent of paper and witty remarks. Being the kings of hilarity and wittiness themselves, they couldn't help but join in the mad fest.

Several things had happened in just five minutes. The gang had decided to start a little game of truth or dare. Han was covered in so much foundation and spray tan that he was orange, Ron's hair was frizzed out like an afro, and Aragorn had lipstick smeared across her forehead.

"Hey there, Han," said Fred with a stunning grin. "Nice complexion."

"Yeah, what ethnicity are you, Carrot?" added George. Everyone snickered.

"Of course not," said Nemesis. "Everyone knows he's a sweet potato."

"No he's not! He's a pumpkin!" argued Blaze.

_Here we go again, _thought Anakin. _I bet Luke and Wolf are laughing at us right now...

* * *

_

Wolf squirmed uncomfortably in her chair, her fists clenched once again. She had the urge to sock Draco right in the face, but that could be considered animal abuse, seeing how Draco was a ferret at one point. At least her plan was falling into place. Palpatine was wrong: Setting her up with Draco didn't make her mad, it just made her even more determined not to become some sick, twisted dunderhead. Scribbling a message onto a slip of paper, she stuffed it into her mouth, lightly slathered it with saliva, stuffed it into a straw, and shot it right at Luke. The message hit its target with a _splat._

Grimacing with disgust, Luke wiped the spit off his face before unfolding the message. It was very pithy, in his opinion:

_Phase Two begins now._

"Hey Palpatine!" Wolf howled. "Guess what?"

"Get off the table, you fool!" Palpatine commanded, waving an admonishing and threatening finger.

Wolf rubbed an imaginary beard, feigning thought. "Let me think about that for a second...Nah!" Stretching out a hand, a hockey stick smacked into her palm. Shrieking like a banshee, Wolf whacked at plates, cups, and silverware, sending dangerous projectiles flying in all directions. Luke promptly joined her.

Bellatrix was on her feet in seconds. "GET DOWN NOW, MUDBLOOD!" Hey, when did anyone give Bellatrix permission to speak in all caps? What a fumbling meanie-face!

Wolf obliged and hopped off the table. But the havoc was just beginning, for Wolf had also succeeded in sneaking a microphone in her satchel. "All right everybody, I have a song for you!"

Snape sunk into his seat and below the table, claiming to have dropped his spoon. Once he was safely hidden, he burst into mirthful laughter, for Wolf's song of choice was the original _Pokemon_ theme song.

"_I wanna be the very best, that no one ever was! To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause!" _She tossed the microphone to Luke and then jumped back onto the table, taking a swig from a root beer bottle. Snape and Luke knew it was root beer, anyways. Everyone else believed her to be drunk. Idiots, as if Wolf would actually want to drink. Remember what happened to Mace?

"_I will travel across the land, searching far and wide! Each Pokemon to understand the power that's inside! POKEMON!"_ By now security guards were arriving. Luke stopped before he could continue onto the chorus. Not for the first time, Luke desperately wished he had his lightsaber back.

Several villains made to attack as well, but Snape was one step ahead of them. _"Confundus!" _Blinking confusedly, Dookie Cookie, Darth Maul, and Lucy-Lu all began batting themselves on the head with their weapons. Hiding his wand under the table, Snape hoped that Voldemort, Palpatine, and Sauron wouldn't notice. He could only take down so many people, though. Wolf had better act soon...

And act she did. Without warning, the lights went out. Several girls shrieked, and an old man was heard sobbing. "We're all going to die!" Much to everyone's relief, the lights were back on, with only one change. Where Luke had been, a man wearing a hockey mask and carrying an axe was now positioned.

"Oh my goodness, it's Jason!" screamed one of the guards. _"Run for your lives!"_

All was mayhem. People were shoving, trampling all that stood in their way of the exit. It was Sauron that finally found Wolf, who was standing on top of a table as she pointed everyone to the exit. "There she is!" All three of the Dark Lords sprinted at Wolf, weapons held above their heads--and then they collapsed to the ground, crying out in agony.

"I think I'm going to have diarrhea in my pants!" Palpatine sobbed.

"I want my mommy!" said Voldemort, despite the fact his mom had ditched him at an orphanage.

Draco was also holding his stomach, grunting. Still, he crawled his way towards Wolf. "You better not ditch me, you filthy little sneak!" Wolf, sighing at the pitiful little Voldemort Youth, leapt to another table.

Luke, noticing the villains' little problem, cheered jubilantly as he left the building, heading for home. Snape was right behind him, but Wolf held back for a bit. _Just one thing before I go..._

Stretching out into the Force, she soared right up at the chandelier and grasped it with her strong fingers. "WOO HOO!" She hollered into her root beer bottle, swinging to and fro on the elegant chandelier (thought this was not an elegant way to use it). Then she dropped to the ground and ran off into the night.

* * *

"So..." Luke trailed off. They had finally reached Dairy Queen, their original destination, and had bought ice cream cones. The walk back to the mansion was quite enjoyable, as all three were so relieved to have escaped. Even Snape was smirking at the image of Palpatine having diarrhea.

"So what?" asked Wolf.

"How did you do it all?"

"Where to start?" She took another bite of milky, vanilla goodness before she went on. "The only real brainy part of the whole operation was the brownies. It's a really good thing none of us ate them, because the main ingredient was laxatives."

Luke snorted, milk spraying form his nose. "And everything else?"

"Oh, that was just for fun. Riling people up is a hobby of mine, you know."

Snape rolled his eyes. "I don't understand why Palpatine insists on calling you Darth Vex. After all of that, you deserve a name much more terrifying than that pathetic moniker."

"Thanks...I think." Finally reaching their home, Wolf, Luke, and Snape thrust open the double doors (like Aragorn in the _Lord of the Rings _movies), and headed to the Common Room.

Nemesis looked up and noticed them. "Hey guys, we were just--Wolf, what the heck are you wearing?"

Wolf did not looked abashed, but Luke was now seething. "You guys left us there! we sent you an owl and everything as a distress call!"

Anakin blinked owlishly. "What?"

Luke screeched in annoyance, throwing his hands into the air. Everyone else rolled their eyes, thinking about their nightmarish night.

"Hey look, another alliteration!" Luna exclaimed.

Once again, eyes rolled.

* * *

**So...What did you guys think? Anyways, there was a **_**Half-Blood Prince **_**reference in the chapter The Great Chocolate Christmas War. Five points to anyone who finds it.**

**The House Cup**

**Gryffindor: 161 points**

**Ravenclaw: 161 points**

**Jedi Order: 92 points**

**Slytherin: 47 points**

**Hufflepuff: 30 points**

**Sith Order: Do I even need to say it? It's a zero. Zip, ZIP, ZIPP-O!**


	27. When Wolf Went to Therapy

**Well, this is the last chapter before the awesome multi-part! This neat little chapter sets down the foundation for the next three chapters or so. After this, another major character will appear, and she means business...**

**The **_**Half-Blood Prince **_**reference from "The Great Chocolate Christmas War" was when Harry said "GIVE BACK MY CHOCOLATE, YOU COWARD! GIVE IT BACK!" and then Snape said "DON'T CALL ME COWARD!" It was originally "Fight back" instead of "Give back my chocolate." **

**I don't own the story **_**Therapy **_**by my amazing friend xXRandom NemesisXx, which this chapter involves. In Therapy, Harry is a therapist for all of the villains.**

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Lord of the Rings, 300, Sweeney Todd, Twilight, The Lion King, Powerpuff Girls, Jerry Springer, **_**Cheetos, Alan Rickman, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Snack Pack, Pringles, G.I. Joe, Doritos, Barbie, Spider-man, Oreos, Count Chocula, Littlest Pet Shop, or any of the songs in this story.**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: When Wolf Went to Therapy**

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It was dark, stormy, and gloomy at Wolf's house as she sat alone in the kitchen, making a bowl of popcorn. Wiping guck from her eyes, she huffed to herself, feeling exhausted. Heck, just a glance of her was making me feel exhausted!

"Of course it does!" Wolf said to no one in particular. "You're pretty much a voice inside my head!"

Oh yeah. I almost forgot about that...

"Whatever," Wolf murmured as she headed to the living room, planning to watch _Sweeney Todd._ Yes, _Sweeney Todd. _Out of all of the blasted movies in the world, she had chosen that particular one, which featured Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman, and Helena Bonham Carter. This would certainly be interesting...

* * *

_A few hours later..._

The telephone rang, but Wolf hardly noticed. She was too busy rocking back and forth, muttering to herself. Still, one tends to notice a telephone ringing after it goes on for five minutes. Wolf finally snatched up the phone, slowly raising it to her ear. She said nothing.

"Wolf?" It was Nemesis. "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go get some pie. You know, your favorite food? ...Wolf are you even listening.

"Nemesis," Wolf said slowly. "I think I'm going into shock..."

"What happened?"

"I was watching _Sweeney Todd," _she began. "And then...I saw..."

"Oh crud, what?"

"Snape...doesn't...sing! He can't! Snape never sings! What has gone wrong with Hollywood! Snape doesn't SING!"

Nemesis rolled her eyes, though Wolf obviously couldn't see this. Of course, she can reads my narration, so she knows this anyways. Or maybe not. Sometimes Wolf read my words, sometimes she doesn't. It varies for each occasion. "Look, Wolf, why don't you get some rest?"

"Yeah...okay...Snape doesn't sing..."

Hanging up the telephone, Wolf drifted off into a dream laden sleep...

_A blackberry yodeled on top of a mountain while centaurs shot arrows made of salmon at its juicy, fruity flesh...Talking socks chased Nemesis around a park as she screamed bloody murder...The same, haunting face blotted out everything else, only it was smiling cruelly this time, and the teeth were now whitened to a point of being cyan (Sheesh, some people overuse whitening strips). It laughed, which was chilling to the bone marrow--_

Leaping up from her bed, Wolf reflexively punched thin air, the feelings of that last image still lingering. "That's it!"

Wading across her cluttered floor, she reached the closet and yanked down on a baseball bat. Then, after typing a code into a keypad, a voice asked her, "What is mankind's greatest invention?"

"Pogo shoes," said Wolf, smiling faintly at this. A trapdoor slid upon before her, and Wolf descended down, down, down the chute and into the Chaos Chasm. Once down in the dark, unlit corridor, Wolf took only three steps before tripping, falling flat on her face. Grunting in annoyance, Wolf grabbed a flashlight from her pocket and shined it at the source of her problem--G.I. Joes and a Barbie doll, all set up in ridiculous positions. "Orion, I am going to kill you!"

_Whatzit? _The dragon responded sleepily. _Did I...leave my action figures out?_

"Yeah," said the hyperactive ninja lady. "By the way, I couldn't help but notice two of your other action figures that weren't G.I. Joes or Barbies. By the way, Barbie is NOT an action figure, she's a ruddy doll. Anyways, why were Count Dooku and Palpy-cakes--"

_Palpy-cakes insulted me earlier, so the action figure date is my revenge. Well, that and lighting him on fire, which I did already. Then Blaze decided to use the old, wrinkly bag to roast marshmallows. That never gets old! _Though most people would only hear what sounded like a lawnmower, Wolf knew the dragon was laughing.

"Listen, can you take me to the mansion? I have a little problem."

* * *

Outside, it was a beautiful, glorious day. Of course, that complete sentence is slightly redundant, so...just beautiful, then? Or glorious? Which is better? Eh, whatever. It stays the way it is. Several people, good people, were outside, enjoying the warmth and sunshine in the company of friends. If you were an evil dunderhead, though, you were forced to go to therapy class instead. Suckers.

"Why can't we have class outside today?" whined Voldemort.

Harry rolled his eyes at his arch enemy. "Because being inside will help your mind much more. I know more than you, I'm the therapist! It's my time to talk." Everyone else grumbled as they settled into folding chairs. "Okay, first of order of business--"

"Am I late?" said an all-too familiar voice. Draco smirked, Palpatine shrieked in horror, and everyone else shifted their chairs away from Wolf, who had just entered the room. "I..."

"What are you doing here?" asked Sauron, tightening his grip on his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunchbox, which contained some delicious Oreos that had been packed by his Nazgul.

"I...I came...I came for therapy, okay?"

Everyone gaped. Lucius Malfoy actually fainted, the pansy. She irritated them almost everywhere they went, and therapy had been their only safe place...and now she was sharing the class with them! It was scandalous!

"Why do _you _need therapy?" interrogated the Shredder, the only present _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles _character at the therapy class.

"Well..." Wolf glanced down at her ruddy shoes, feeling nervous about all of this. Was it really a clever idea to admit her fears and inabilities to the villains? Oh well, she'd do it anyways. "I've been having strange nightmares about a person, probably an enemy, though I don't know who. She was familiar, yet I can't remember who she is!"

Harry rubbed an imaginary beard, deep in thought. Then he nodded. "Sit down, Wolf." Wolf obliged, much to the villainous morons' chagrin. Setting her Spider-man lunchbox on her lap, she gave her undivided attention to Harry. Wolf was actually paying attention, wow!

"First order of business," continued Harry, writing on a clipboard. "I need to know which of you did your breathing exercises?" Grievous, Saruman, and Draco all raised their hands. "Good. Then, I'll start with Wolf so she can catch up. Wolf, describe your childhood for us."

"Wait a minute, I don't get to sit on the couch?" Wolf questioned, looking disappointed.

"Huh?"

"You don't know about the couch?" she smacked her forehead in exasperation. "Blimey, you must be a terrible therapist! The couch the victims--I mean patients--lie on as they're interrogated--I mean questioned." Wolf sighed, a long and drawn out sound of despair. "Okay, where to start? I had a boring childhood, little action, you get the idea. Dang, I was such a little waste of space! I can't believe how much I cried!" she glared at the villains, as if daring them to try something. No one did, out of fear of wolf's wrath. The sad thing is, they had never seen Wolf truly angry.

"I had an imaginary friend named Melinda. She was pretty awesome, but after a while I ditched that--"

"You had an imaginary friend?" exclaimed Palpatine. "You're such a little twit!"

Wolf frowned, crossing her arms across her chest. "Well, seeing how you had him since his childhood, I wonder what you did with Darth Maul...That was messed up, dude. Creeper McCreeper Person!" Palpy-cakes looked like a wrinkly red tomato now. Or perhaps a cherry. You get the picture, though, right? "And what was up with the tattoos, anyways? I could maybe understand a little etching on the shoulder or something but _his entire body? _That's masochistic...Unless you forced him into it!"

Harry waved his hand, ending Wolf's rant. "All right, we get it. I think you're done for now. Now then, let's continue! Sauron, would you like to present your project I assigned last week?"

Nodding, Sauron stood up and held up a drawing. It portrayed Sauron with the One Ring on his finger. At his feet were hundreds of badly sketched bodies, all looking quite stupid. The overall effect was comical and pathetic. Sauron was definitely not an artist. "These are my inner thoughts, my greatest dreams! I hope that one day this will happen! I will be king of Middle-earth and I will be free to bake snickerdoodles. EVIL SNICKERDOODLES!"

If Harry was alarmed by this, he did not show it. "The assignment was supposed to be more positive, you know. You should focus on happiness instead of terror. Okay then, Draco, care to go next?"

"I'd rather not," said Ferret Boy, glancing at Wolf anxiously.

"And why is that?"

"Well, let's just say it involves dragons, world domination, and a rainbow..."

Wolf snorted at this. Rainbows and world domination, huh? What a moron!

Harry rolled his eyes at his enemy. "Okay then...So, what next?"

* * *

_A few hours later..._

"Lunch break!" Harry said cheerfully, clapping his hands together. With a flick of his wand, he conjured a circular table for the patients before exiting.

Nearly all of the villains sighed in relief. "Finally! Lunch time!" Shredder exclaimed happily as he and everyone else got out their lunchboxes. "What did everyone bring?"

Opening his Powerpuff Girls lunchbox, Voldemort groaned. "No! Bellatrix packed heart shaped cookies again!"

"Ha!" shrieked Sauron in glee, as Shredder glared at his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lunchbox. He proudly displayed a blue plastic bag. "I have Doritos and you guys don't! Doritos is the one chip TO--"

"Yeah, yeah, rule them all, we get it," snapped Palpatine. "That is really getting old."

Wolf glanced through the contents of her lunchbox, feeling depressed. No fruit snacks! What had her mom been thinking that morning? "Hey, does anybody want to trade? Please, I'm desperate!" Everyone except for Draco Malfoy shirked away from her just a tad.

"What do you have?" asked Draco Malfoy.

"Err...I'll trade you that Snack Pack for my Cheetos?"

Draco shook his head. "No, I have sour cream and onion Pringles."

"Dang it!"

"Anyone have new plans for world domination?" asked Dookie Cookie eagerly. Only Sauron and Voldemort raised their hands. "Go on, do tell!"

Despite Wolf's presence, no one was even attempting to be secretive. On the contrary, they were quite open with the crazy authoress. what happens in therapy, stays in therapy. Voldemort went first. "I plan on infiltrating the Ministry of Magic! Using my Death Eaters and the Inferi as a distraction, I will assassinate the Minister and take control! It'll be easier than taking candy from a baby!"

Wolf snorted once again. "Yeah, says The Man Who Let the Boy Live."

Voldemort's nonexistent eyebrows shot up to his nonexistent hairline. "Excuse me?"

"You couldn't even kill a baby!" Wolf shouted, shoveling a spoonful of tuna down her throat as she spoke. Wolf had an odd obsession with tuna. "I always say good triumphs over evil, and it's true. For instance, let's look at Sauron. He was defeated by two hobbits, the epitome of cute. Take that!"

Though they were irked beyond belief, they villains restrained themselves. They couldn't kill someone in a therapy class, after all. It would be ironic.

"Anyways," continued Wolf. "there are better plans for world domination. If you take over the Ministry of Magic, that's only one country. Think of politics like a game of chess. There are more pawns than anything else, the female queens are the ones who call the shots, and the kings can't help themselves because they're too fat and lazy to move further than from one square to another. You'd need a bit more firepower and leaders, since psychopaths like Bellatrix Lestrange can only get you so far."

At this point everyone was gaping at the young crazy lady, but she wasn't quite finished yet. "Also, you'd need to expand, go international. You'll never achieve world domination if you go your own way, only country domination! I suppose taking control over the industrial world is a brilliant idea, since nearly all of Earth's population relies on the products of companies. Running small companies out of business disgusts me, but it's a smart idea. Hit them where it hurts: their wallets.

"The media is another option. Military and political domination is the obvious choice, but think of how many people are influenced by movies and television! They'd absorb everything you said, even if it brainwashed them into a state of idiocy.

"And besides, world domination isn't meant for any actual person. No human being is meant to rule the world, everything I've been saying is hypothetical." Wolf took a bite of a banana, completely oblivious to the others' looks of astonishment.

Harry chose this moment to stride in, carrying his clipboard. "All right, lunchtime is over! Back to class!" The table disappeared. Finishing their last morsels of sandwiches, fruit snacks, or, in Voldemort's case, heart shaped cookies, everyone became rapt as they listened to Harry.

"Okay, next we're going to discuss traumatic situations. Palpatine, care to start?"

Palpatine huffed but did not complain. His lip trembled as thoughts fluttered in and out of his mind. What a pansy. "Mace Windu...scarring me...Now I need Botox! This is all too much! I want my teddy bear!" Mortified, the Sith Lord began to sob.

Harry nodded encouragingly at Mister Old and Wrinkly. "That's it, let it all out, take deep breaths. In, and out. In, and out. In, and out." This may surprise you, but Harry was quite an impressive therapist. Voldemort raised his hand in the air, waving it back and forth in a vexed manner. "Yes, Tom?" Harry questioned.

"Don't call me Tom, Potter!"

"Okay! What do you want?"

"I wanna know why we have to attend this class! I wanna know why you have the be the therapist! I wanna know why no one will show me respect!"

"_I wanna know what love is!" _sang Wolf.

Then it was silent.

"...I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH POTTER!" an irate Voldemort bellowed.

Harry had turned a violent shade of green. "I'm think I'm going to sick up--" And sick up he did, right onto Count Dooku's shoes.

Dookie Cookie was fed up with Wolf, with Harry, and with the world in general. "That's it!" He pointed an accusing finger at Wolf. "This is your fault!"

Wolf rolled her eyes. "Oh please, Count Chocula."

"No, it's true! You're the most disruptive, evil, moronic little piece of --bleep-- That I've ever come across!"

"Evil?" Oops, Count Chocula had irritated Wolf far too much; she was at her breaking point. "This is a lie! This is madness! This...is...SPARTA!" She lashed out with her foot; it smashed right into Count Chocula's chest, cracking a few ribs and sending him flying directly at Saruman. The two look-alikes crashed into the wall, and they did not rise for a while.

General Grievous, despite his droid appearance, looked thoughtful. "You know, I think Wolf needs therapy more than any of us."

"Agreed!" replied anyone who was still conscious.

Wolf sighed. "Why is it that everyone around me believes I need mental help? I only came here to discuss my nightmare, and you guys want to send me to an insane asylum! I swear, if you guys tell the guys in the white lab coats about me, I'll go incognito. Then I'll cut out your...You know what? This torture stuff isn't for me. I'd just bother you all to death, that's more of my style."

"What happens in this nightmare?" queried Palpy-cakes.

"Why do you need to know?" a suspicious Wolf responded.

"You never know, maybe this dream is a vision of the future!"

Wolf's hands were clenched into fists now as she shook with horror and fury. "Are you insinuating that I'm destined to become evil?"

"Well, actually, yes!"

"...You sick, twisted, evil, arrogant little toe rag!" Something peculiar happened just then: It began to snow. Yes, snow. Snowing inside, during the late spring. Flabbergasted, Wolf's eyes darted back and forth, searching for the source of the snow. After noticing nothing out of the ordinary, she shrugged and began to catch snowflakes on her tongue.

Palpatine's eyes narrowed, a cold and calculating look formed on his face. Clearly, something was wrong with Wolf's Force abilities. The teenager would never be a proper Jedi: She lacked concentration and was easily distracted. Palpatine was finally doubting the likelihood of her becoming a Sith as well. She hated evil, that much was certain. Her powers were neither magical nor of the Force. Something was definitely fishy...But that might've been the lingering scent of Wolf's tuna from lunch.

"I'm pretty sure Wolf won't become evil," said a certain Harry.

"Oh really? She certainly has the anger for it," countered Palpatine.

"Palpy-cakes, you have _never _seen me angry. Trust me, I know," said Wolf, frowning. "And besides, your Sith crap requires fear. Technically, that makes the Sith all cowards, since you're all driven by fear!"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Darth Maul hollered, startling everyone. The Sith apprentice fled the room.

"Did Darth Maul just...speak?" said a dazed Count Dooku. He had returned to his seat, rubbing his bruised, smarting chest. Wolf sure could kick.

"...Crap," Harry muttered. "There goes another paying customer."

"Hold on, _paying _customer?" gasped Shredder. "I thought this was free!"

"Err...let's move on!" Harry gazed at his clipboard. "Draco, now it's time to talk about your feelings."

Draco leaned forward in his seat. "Well, I always wanted my parents to be proud of me. After all, they're rich, and money is good. So is being pureblood, since Mudbloods are filth--"

"RACIST ferret!" Wolf interrupted.

"--but I was never enough! They would never give me everything I asked for! Not the hardcover editions of _Twilight, _not a girlfriend, nothing!" He then began to sob, a heartfelt, wailing, never-ending shriek loaded with woes. Tear tracks stained his cheeks.

Harry's expression did not change. "Your mascara is running," he said indifferently, handing Draco a tissue.

"Oh, way to be a sympathetic therapist, Potty!"

"Potty? That's the most original insult you can think of? Wow. Epic fail."

"Do you want to fight me, Potter?" Draco was out of his seat now, more rabid than those retarded hyenas in _The Lion King._

"Jerry! Jerry!" Wolf chanted. She didn't watch _Jerry Springer, _but it was always fun to make references.

Meanwhile, Palpatine was still deep in thought. What do you know, the imbecile could actually think! Granted, the thoughts weren't happy ones, they were more of the violent and grotesque type, but he was still thinking! Maybe he's not brain-dead after all!

_That girl in Wolf's dream...Of course! Why didn't I think of that before! _He snapped his fingers in triumph. "Last chance, Wolf! Join the Dark Side!"

"Palpatine," said Wolf with a perfectly straight face. "Your mom says that's dumb. Besides, your 'Come to the dark side!' advances are becoming redundant. I'm not joining. Can you drill that through your thick skull and into your minuscule brain?"

"Very well then," said Palpatine with a dull sense of finality. "That's too bad," he advanced forward, towards Wolf. Her hand itched to her belt, where she usually stored her licorice whip--but it wasn't there.

"Stay back!" she ordered. "Or I'll..." She grabbed the object nearest to her. "I'll defeat you with this dictionary!"

"How does anyone get defeated by a dictionary?" Palpatine cackled. It sounded vaguely like a combination of a dying cat and popcorn popping.

"I thought you'd never ask!" Here Wolf took an intake of breath. "For starters, a dictionary could give you an excessive amount of paper cuts, causing you to die either from shock or blood loss. I could beat you with it, causing head injuries that will either kill you or make you retarded or completely brain-dead. You could read it and die of boredom, or I could read it to you and use the Force to make you enjoy it so much that you forget to do anything else, and either die from starvation, dehydration, or constipation."

"Of course you can," said Palpy-cakes darkly. That's when he invaded Wolf's mind.

Various thoughts flew back and forth as Wolf and Palpy-cakes mentally dueled. _Darth Maul was screeching at Palpatine, asking for a Littlest Pet Shop play set...Wolf was dancing the worm across her upstairs hallway...Anakin was glowering at Palpatine, his shimmering blue lightsaber aimed at the Sith Lord's throat...The unknown yet familiar face was gliding forwards, laughing in triumph--_

Palpatine had found what he was looking for. Wrenching with all of his might, he used the Force to claw the memory from poor Wolf's mind. Though he couldn't remove every single dream with this mysterious new person, one was all the wrinkled corpse needed. He smiled, revealing his yellow, filthy, grime-coated teeth with the black gums. Wolf snickered at this right before blacking out, succumbing to blissful unconsciousness.

* * *

Harry prodded Wolf with the tip of his wand. She did not stir. "Wolf...Wolf, wake up!"

"Ugh..." the crazy lady moaned as she sat up. "I feel like my mind has been shredded into pieces by a maniacal--Oh wait, that really did happen." Wolf massaged her temples as a killer migraine came on. Only her and Harry remained in the therapy room. "I am so bamboozled right now..."

"Here, have some chocolate," Harry said soothingly, handing Wolf his giant chocolate bar. Chocolate really does solve everything, you know.

Munching on the chocolate bar, something finally occurred to Wolf. "Harry, you've had this chocolate bar since Christmas...How come almost none of it is gone?"

"Beats me. I guess that could be considered a plot hole, or whatever you call it!"

"No," said Nemesis, as she and Blaze entered. "It's just weird."

"We succeeded in our mission!" Blaze yelled, pumping her fist in victory.

"Succeeded in what?" Wolf asked.

"Well, after Palpatine attacked and almost killed you with his Force powers, Harry called us," Nemesis explained. "Let's just say Palpy won't mess with you for a while...Look out the window."

Wolf obliged. In the distance, she could faintly make out a flag pole and a swaying, pallid mass. Palpatine dressed in a bikini, hanging to the flag pole by his pants. Though this cheered Wolf up, she couldn't help but feel a foreboding that everyone's troubles were only just beginning...

At this point, someone should play some dramatic music. It doesn't seem nearly as dark when you put it in text form!

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**I think this is my favorite chapter yet! Next chapter begins the multi-part! Bring in the Animagi! For those of you who aren't **_**Harry Potter **_**fans and have no idea what Animagi are, Animagi are people that can shapeshift into animals, and I've decided to make that important.**

**There's a Craziness poll on my profile. Vote please!**

**Five points goes to whoever can guess why Wolf was saying "Snape...can't...sing!" And ten points goes to whoever (Other than Nemesis, I already told you the answer) guesses the identity to the mysterious person in Wolf's dream. TWENTY points goes to whoever can guess Wolf's Animagus form. No one in the Random Order will get credit for this one, and I've changed it since any of you have looked at my profile.**

**The House Cup**

Gryffindor: 173 points

Ravenclaw: 165 points

Jedi Order: 93 points

Slytherin: 48 points

Hufflepuff: 30 points

Sith Order: Take a wild guess...ZERO!


	28. Darth Fuchsia and Schizoid Pineapple

**Hey everybody! It's been a while...NOT! Anyways, there is a coauthor question at the end of this chapter, so be on guard while reading the story!**

**I changed my Animagus form since publishing this, so don't get confused!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Princess Bride, Annie, Indiana Jones, Alice in Wonderland, Toy Story, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Spider-Man, Sweeney Todd, The Chronicles of Narnia, Disney, Mulan, the Macarena, Volkswagen, Liam Neeson, Volvo, Chuck Norris, Disney, Pringles, Krispe Kreme, Hot Pockets, Mentos, Diet Coke, Oreos, Mountain Dew, Pictionary, 7-11, or any of the songs/music artists mentioned in this story.**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Darth Fuchsia and Schizoid Pineapple**

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If anyone called a regular person a freak, they would spazz out. Not Wolf. She'd just thank you for the compliment and continue her rant about pancakes and umbrellas. This was simply one of her many peculiarities. There was also her hyperactivity that bordered on the line of ADHD, her ability to think of a brilliant plan using the crudest and most ridiculous tools, and her weird craze for fiction. I can honestly say no one on earth is like her.

Palpatine, though, thought differently. Big surprise there, huh? I'd never say Wolf was invincible, or that she's the craziest person in the universe, or that she was the only person who deserves candy, because none of those ludicrous statements are true (though the crazy one sure does come close). But dear old Palpy-cakes is a total idiot, and we know it.

His new apprentice, despite her moronic decision to be evil, was far from an idiot...

* * *

"You think you're all-powerful," said one particular Jedi Knight as he hung from a ship's sails, holding a glinting sword. "but even you fear the wrath of the Dread Pirate Skywalker!" Anakin swayed to and fro, quite engrossed in his roleplay.

Obi-Wan Kenobi gazed directly at Anakin, his blue eyes narrowed. "You may have my ship and wenches...if you can defeat my skeleton army!" A posse of boney crewmen grouped behind Obi-Wan, looking menacing as their bulbous red eyes glowered at all.

"You shall not defeat me!" Anakin cried and he leapt down, flinging himself at Obi-Wan. It was like the climax in _Revenge of the Sith, _only this time they weren't aiming to kill, and they were on a pirate ship in the middle of a mansion of chaos on the planet Earth.

Opening the door of the Simulation Room, Blaze waltzed into the captain's quarters in full in her baggy pajamas. Jabbing at a few buttons, she activated the intercom. "Yo, Annie and Benji! Lunch is ready!" She exited and turned off the Simulation Room's "Pirate Mode", leaving a disgruntled group of Jedi in her wake.

* * *

Darth Sidious gazed out the window stupidly, as though he could not think and relied on the world to think for him. He counted the cars, arguing with himself about what car he would have once he ruled the world.

_A pink Volkswagen would be nice, but I'd love a Volvo! They're so shiny and comfortable!_

"You know, you have awful taste in just about everything," said the figure at his side. Said figure was thinking about fraternity parties that were way too old for her and thousand island dressing-two of the world's evils.

"Quiet, Darth Fuchsia," Palpy-cakes admonished. This guy has way too many names. "Seriously, why did you choose that name? Come to think of it, why did you get to choose your name at all?"

She socked him in the shoulder, which only irritated Palpy-cakes even further. "Don't you even think of using Force lightning on me, Darth Sidious!" Fuchsia's lightsaber was out but not ignited. "It is an incredibly long story why I chose the name Fuchsia, but it will all be worth it. All of these years of waiting..."

"Yes, I imagine you are impatient," said Palpy-cakes as he twirled away from the window and walked towards his desk to get his comlink.

"I want to attack! You know I'm ready, I've become far more powerful than Wolf, the Skywalkers, or any of them!" Hoo, arrogant much?

"I have no doubt you are stronger than Wolf. She cannot concentrate to save her life and she's much to random to ever use the Force properly. But you must not underestimate the others, for they may be sissy Jedi, but they're still Jedi."

"...That made no sense."

Ignoring her, Palpy-cakes tapped a random code into the comlink. A stormtrooper's hazy blue image popped out, startling Fuchsia. "Commander Drake, prepare to execute Order Seven Thousand, Four Hundred and Twenty-One."

"...Prepare, sir? Not execute, sir?"

"Yes, prepare! I must tell the other villains about this before we strike! And stop saying sir! My proper address is 'Your amazingly royal and fantastic highness."

"Yes, sir," responded Commander Drake, vexing Palpy-cakes even more before he promptly hung up.

Palpy-cakes seethed in annoyance, but he did not take it out on Fuchsia or the surrounding inanimate objects. "Fuchsia! Contact Voldemort and Sauron. Tell them we are ready."

* * *

"All right, boys!" Commander Drake bellowed at his underlings. "We are about to combat some of the most experienced and deadliest of anyone you will ever meet here. Two and a half of every ten of you will not return. Keep your spirits up, because we're having a _Camp Rock _marathon when we come back!" This initiated a myriad of indignant groans. "Now, now, don't be sad, be glad! And be warned, because the enemy has a dragon in their numbers."

"Wait, did he just say a dragon?" whispered one stormtrooper to his buddy.

"Don't worry, it's probably like Mushu from _Mulan_," said the other.

The villains truly were dunderheads. Why, you ask? Well, Wolf wasn't even at the mansion, for one. She was at home! Leia and Ginny are right, we're surrounded by idiots.

* * *

Wolf nibbled on some fried chicken, pondering recent events. Since the therapy class, not one dream had included the face. Sure, they did include Bellatrix Lestrange with cherry red hair, shrieking "OFF WITH HER HEAD!", but that was normal for Wolf.

Then there had been that incident in gym class, where Wolf's gym teacher glared at her, and then Wolf's scar began hurting, but that was another story for another time. And it probably meant nothing...right?

Skipping upstairs to her closet, Wolf unlocked the Chaos Chasm slid down the chute, thinking to herself that she needed another lair. Soaring out of the slide, she landed on her butt in the middle of the atrium, thinking that maybe she'd go fly on Orion-but then she remembered Orion was at the mansion, practicing his trumpet (and failing epically). She was packing some carrot cake into her pocket when she suddenly pressed her hand to her forehead. "My Random Senses are tingling!"

Wolf then argued with herself on what her next actions would be.

_I should go to the mansion, _said the first voice.

_No! _said another voice. _That would be foolish! Never risk your neck!_

_Well, I've broken my neck before, _said a third voice. _What's the harm in doing it again?_

_I like bacon! _said the fourth voice.

_Let us conquer the world! _said a fifth.

_GO AWAY! _shrieked everyone else.

_I'm sick of this! _Wolf thought to the voices. _I do not need voices in my head, I deal with enough imbeciles already! Now go away!_

The voices all vanished from Wolf's mind. "To infinity, and BEYOND!" Wolf shouted to the skies as she transformed into a barn owl, flying freely to the mansion, hoping that no one had been blasted into smithereens.

* * *

"No! I cannot fit my enormous hand into the tiny opening of my delicious Pringles!" Luke moaned in frustration as he fumbled with the Pringles can, groping for chips.

"Well that sucks," replied Hermione as she reached her smaller hands into her lunch bag and revealed her prize: Pringles in a plastic bag, where they were easy to reach.

Luke glared daggers at Hermione. "You're a jerk."

"I know."

"Hot Pocket!" Han said loftily and womanly as he munched on a crisp, golden, delectable Hot Pocket. "I discovered this treasure when Marian and I raided that Target temple place."

"For the last time, my name is _not _Marian! Stop calling me that, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder!" Leia scolded.

"No! I am only Chewbacca's Nerf herder, not yours!"

Anakin glowered at Han,. bothered by the man with many personalities. Who did this guy think he was, Chuck Norris? For Han better not think he's Chuck Norris, or Chuck Norris will find him and do what Liam Neeson's character did in _Taken._

"Does anyone know where Wolf is?" asked Nemesis as she entered the kitchen, holding a phone shaped like a banana. "She isn't picking up her cellular bananaphone, and she should be here by now. We were going to play Pictionary!"

"No!" Sirius screeched defiantly. "We are not playing that game again! The last time we did, Luke almost stabbed Harry to death with a pencil!"

"I'll go look for her," Nemesis said, sighing. Where could Wolf be?

"I'll go with you!" added Harry. "I have nothing better to do."

"Happy day!" Arm in arm, they skipped off.

* * *

Skidding to a halt, Wolf transformed back to her human state and headed into the grocery store, desperate for a snack. "I wonder what they have..." she muttered to herself. Browsing through the aisles, she searched for her prize. "Gummy worms, no...bacon bits, no...broccoli, heck no! Is there anything that will quench me?" It was then she spotted something quite bizarre.

A red pineapple lay amidst all of the boring brown pineapples, looking tender and inviting, just like a box of piping hot Krispy Kreme donuts, fresh from the store. It looked so tantalizing! And what could possibly be the harm?

Sprinting up to the register, Wolf bought the pineapple without a second thought. running outside to keep her dignity, she hid amidst the trees of the nearby woods as she peeled off the pineapple, revealing it's bright blue core. You'd think Wolf would have the sense not to eat a blue pineapple, but _no, _it was just too juicy! She took a bite and-

* * *

Nemesis and Harry alighted, Harry on his broomstick and Nemesis in her raven Animagus form. The soared through the sky like a clown's whipped cream pie gags, if any of you remember those from the old cartoons and circuses. Now circuses are just animal cruelty and suicidal acrobats.

I'm getting off topic.

_There she is!_ Nemesis cawed, though Harry understood none of this. It was only when Nemesis nosedived to the ground that Harry got the message. Landing on a large hill, Harry finally spotted Wolf, though clearly something was wrong with her.

"Wolf...do you need meds?" Harry asked anxiously.

Wolf, holding up what appeared to be a red pineapple with a blue core, cackled insanely. "Hey, Harry, Nemesis, I have fruit! Then the monkeys came by in their water cars. They tap dance, man! They tap dance!"

Nemesis rolled her eyes, annoyed. _Of course! Of all of the pineapples in the world, Wolf just had to pick up the drugged and mutated one!_

_

* * *

_

Palpy-cakes, Fuchsia, Voldemort, and Sauron all gazed down upon their quarry. The oblivious heroes continued their frivolous activities on the front lawn, not even sensing the villains' presence, nor those of the legions of troopers.

"Wolf isn't among them," Fuchsia commented angrily.

"Nor is Potter!" Voldy cried.

"He's obsessed with Potter. I think he's in love," Sauron murmured to Fuchsia.

"Oh really?" Fuchsia replied. "I'd have never guessed."

"Now then, attack!" Palpy-cakes shrieked. Cuing the stormtroopers, they charged as there was a great flash of light. A gigantic explosion lit up the sky, smothering everyone present, including the heroes down below.

* * *

Nemesis and Harry were discussing what to do with Wolf when suddenly they saw a mushroom cloud erupt in the distance. "What was that?" asked Harry, pointing.

"What?" said a bamboozled Nemesis and she turned around.

"It's a...giant mushroom!" Wolf said, sounding even more crazy, happy, and drugged than ever before. "Maybe it's friendly!"

"Come on!" said Nemesis. "I hope they're alright." She morphed into her raven form before spreading her wings and flying away.

Wolf gazed at the mushroom cloud, her mouth hanging open. Then she whirled her arms in the air for one ridiculous dance. "Friendly mushroom! Mushy giant friend!"

"Come on," Harry said urgently, tugging on Wolf's sleeve. She didn't respond, due to the pineapple junking up her nervous, circulatory, respiratory, and digestive systems. Harry was stumped. Would Wolf even be able to ride a broomstick while (for lack of better word) intoxicated? Blimey, Wolf was bound to be loathing herself once she recovered from her madness. "Wolf, why don't you ride on the Firebolt? I'm pretty sure you won't be able to get back on your own...Maybe Snape can fix your problems."

Wolf obliged, hopping on. As they took off into the sky Wolf began to rant, much to Harry's chagrin. "Snape can't fix my problems, he can't even fix his own! That dude can't get over loving your mom...I know for a fact he thought Lily was super mega foxy awesome hot..."

"I think I'm going to sick up-" And Harry did sick up. Harry's puke descended to the ground and landed on the road, causing a six car pileup, but Harry didn't know this.

_HARRY! _Nemesis mentally shrieked to Harry.

_What?_

_WE NEED TO MAKE A PIT STOP AT 7-11! _

_But why? _Harry massaged his temples, the screams of Nemesis making his brain throb.

_BECAUSE SLURPIES ARE-_

"Dude, think quietly!" Harry hollered to the wind.

_Sorry. _Though Nemesis was flying next to him in raven form, Harry could've sworn she'd sighed then. _I want a Slurpie, and we need to cure Wolf before we head back. Rushing into combat while one of us is cracked up is truly dumb._

Shifting his grip on the broom, Harry dived to the ground, as Nemesis flew beside him and Wolf held on loosely, jabbering on about jackhammers and pumpkin juice.

* * *

"Is anybody dead?" Luke questioned as the smoke began to clear. Above him, Orion shifted away from the crowd. The dragon's dark violet scales slightly charred but otherwise he was unhurt.

"Blimey," Aragorn said as he unsheathed his sword. "I am so glad Orion noticed the bomb before it detonated."

"Honestly, what idiot is so pathetically stupid as to think a bomb would kill us?" Leia asked.

"Five credits says it's Palpatine!" Obi-Wan exclaimed as he brushed cinders out of his beard.

"I'm not taking that bet," replied Anakin. "Only Palpatine is dunderheaded enough to believe a bomb would kill us."

"I got ash in my tomato!" Pippin Took moaned, holding up a burnt salad.

"Suck it up," said Blaze as she took a swig from a pixie stick. "I can see hundreds of troopers from here, along with a few certain morons with anger management issues and unisex black cloaks.

"We're all going to die!" wailed Legolas Greenleaf.

"Relax!" spoke Ron. "About fifteen of us are main characters, we won't get killed!"

Anakin chopped his hand in the air, silencing them all. "Silence! The enemy is charging!"

And that they were. The enemy cascaded down the hills like savory chocolate fondue plunging down into a bowl. To Orion, they could be food anyways. _FOR NARNIA! _Orion then shot a burst of vibrant violet flame at the stormtroopers, turning several of them into flaming pillars of plastic.

From somewhere in the villainous crowd, someone cried, "That ain't Mushu!"

Obi-Wan battered Darth Maul's twin sabers, setting the pace for the duel, when a rose colored blade deflected his own electric blue one. Shifting his attention to his latest foe, Obi-Wan found himself face-to-face with a new factor no one had counted on, a variable that Obi-Wan hadn't counted on, and she appeared to be Palpy-cakes's apprentice.

Brunette hair trailed to her waist, and yellow-flecked eyes glared daggers at Obi-Wan. Her sneer was fixed on her face, as though her nonexistent heart's desire was to shove her magenta lightsaber up Obi-Wan's rear end. Which, come to think of, was probably exactly what she wanted, the psychotic little dunderhead.

"Don't call me dunderhead, you demented psychopath!" said the girl, as she slashed her saber at Obi-Wan's throat. Obi-Wan barely managed to deflect the blow.

Oh, she wants to insult me, Flow the Narrator? Bring it on!

"I do not want a distraction right now!" Obi-Wan shouted, glaring at the apprentice and her ludicrous lightsaber. When said lightsaber plunged for his stomach, Obi-Wan dived to the right and took a swipe at his opponent's arm. It missed.

"I never get distracted," the apprentice said, waving her lightsaber in a complicated pattern.

"And who might you be?"

"I am Darth Fuchsia."

Dun, dun, DUN!

"Do not give me theme music!" Here Fuchsia eased off Obi-Wan to pout. "Theme music is for losers."

"You know something? The best people I know are losers," said Obi-Wan defiantly. "You'll never compare to them, even if you do manage to defeat me...those the odds are not in your favor."

"Oh, I suppose you're referring to that Wolf oddity?"

"Wolf is not an-oh wait, never mind. Wolf, Nemesis, Anakin, Luke, Han, Leia, Qui-Gon, Yoda, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Orion, Blaze, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Chewbacca, and even blasted Snape are all better than you and your fellow Sith." Obi-Wan Force leapt over Fuchsia's head, swinging his saber to decapitate. She ducked and swung her own lightsaber back at him, the pink shaft grazing his robes.

"Yeah right! Wolf can't even get past her hyperactivity to even use a marginal amount of the Force, much less be a master!" At this point Fuchsia was beginning to set the pace of the duel as she pushed Obi-Wan back. Obi-Wan just focused and succeeded in taking the lead again.

"What do you know about Wolf?"

"I know more about Wolf than anyone else here."

Obi-Wan smiled, preparing himself for Fuchsia's upcoming burst of Dark outrage. "Then how did you not know she isn't here?"

"I.." Rocks beside them began to shake, and windows shattered. Close by, Snape, Sirius, and Lucius Malfoy paused in their duel to watch Obi-Wan and Fuchsia. "What do you mean she...CRAP!" She jumped onto a boulder. "Plan B! Plan B!"

All brawling stopped. Instead, everyone dashed towards Fuchsia and Obi-Wan, weapons in hand, looking murderous. Obi-Wan had just enough time to gulp before something hit him in the back of the head, and everything went black.

* * *

"Mary Jane, my spidey senses are tingling!" Wolf said as she rubbed her temples. Beside her, Nemesis and Harry rolled their eyes simultaneously as they paid for two liters of Mountain Dew, a package of Oreos, one cylinder of Mentos, and a bottle of Diet Coke.

Nemesis clapped her hands together. "If I'm correct-"

"Which you better be," interrupted Harry.

"-then one of these will cure Wolf. My money is on the Mountain Dew, though the Mentos and the Coke might work as well."

They glanced at Wolf, who was rapping as she danced the Macarena. _"When I was thirteen, I made my bacon. I would put it into my frying pan, grease it up and get it jumping and shakin'!"_

"I would like to cure Wolf as soon as possible. Her remaking the lyrics of a blasted Justin Bieber song is disturbing. I hate his music!" Harry muttered.

"Agreed," responded Nemesis.

"After all," continued Harry. "Wolf is bound to make things explode if we bring her back to the mansion like this. And if Wolf destroys the laboratory, then Snape will use my limbs for potions ingredients."

"Or he'll boil your intestines and use them for jump rope."

"Why must you two gross me out like this? First the insinuation at therapy about Voldemort loving me, then Wolf mentioning that Snape thought my mom was hot, and now you!"

Nemesis just snickered, which was a habit of hers. Meanwhile, Wolf was sniffing at the Oreos. "Ah, Oreos! The one cookie TO RULE THEM ALL!" Without another word, she gobbled down five Oreos at one, to no effect.

Nemesis snatched away the Oreos. "Okay, those are not helping the situation!"

But now Wolf was running around the gas station, tossing candy and cups and straws and even some small children into the air. _"It's raining men! Halleluiah, it's raining men! Halle-"_

"Hey, you shut up!" bellowed the seething cashier, his sausage-like fingers tightly gripping the counter.

"No! I will never shut up! Don't mess with me, I have a lightsaber!" The cashier had no clue that Wolf was serious about the lightsaber, though. So much for that!

Wolf grabbed the Diet Coke and the Mentos, and Nemesis suddenly realized what Wolf was gong to do next. "No, Wolf!" But it was too late. Wolf added the Mentos to the Diet Coke, and-

BOOM! The lethal concoction ruptured right in Wolf's face, spraying everyone else in the dingy little gas station. Though the eruption blinded Nemesis and Harry for a moment, they managed to pull a waterlogged Wolf out of the gas station and away from the crowd.

Wolf sputtered, gagging on the bubbly substance. Nemesis finally took pity on Wolf and handed her a napkin. "Thanks," spoke Wolf as she wiped off her face. "Dang, I...what happened?"

"You ate a multi-colored pineapple. Then you went to La La Land," explained Harry.

"Ah. That makes sense."

* * *

Luke sorted through the wreckage, searching for anyone being pinned by debris. "Is anybody dead?" he repeated.

"That's improper grammar," Blaze said she helped Chewbacca shove a smashed car off Mace. "You should say 'anyone' in that sentence instead."

"Yeah, as if I care."

"He's gone!" Anakin cried as he ran back to his son, panting for breath.

"Who's gone?" asked Leia, while she helped Eowyn out of a ditch.

"Obi-Wan!"

"Shoot!" Aragorn muttered. "He didn't pay me back for that Starbucks frappuccino I bought him last Tuesday yet!"

"I believe your coffee is irrelevant for the time being," snarled Snape, who had decided to stay for a while before he walked back to Moldyshorts and the other imbeciles.

Not far away, Harry landed on his broomstick while Wolf and Nemesis touched down in their bird forms. Transforming back, Nemesis asked, "What happened? It looks like someone gave a rocket launcher to a mentally challenged monkey."

"They Jedinapped Obi-Wan!" Anakin told the new arrivals.

"No!" Nemesis denied, for Obi-Wan was her favorite character.

"Well then..." Harry trailed off.

"I sure missed a lot," stated Wolf. "Guess eating mutant druggie pineapple doesn't do anyone good."

"We need to make search parties," said Leia, who still had her senses, unlike nearly everyone else.

"I'll lead the party!" said Anakin. "It's my fault Obi-Wan is captive, so I'm the only one who must go."

"Heck no," said Luke, as he stepped in front of his father. "You're my father, and Obi-Wan is my friend. There's no way I'm ditching you guys."

Wolf nodded. "And I have no life, so count me in!"

* * *

**I think I hold the record for the longest disclaimers ever...**

**Oh, how much does everyone know about **_**Harry Potter? **_**I need to know before I add in more elements from it (the Sorting Hat, Polyjuice Potion, Veritaserum, etc.)**

**I'm looking for a coauthor for the next **_**two **_**chapters! It goes to whoever can answer this:**

**What is my favorite Disney movie? (No, it's not **_**Mulan.)**_

**And yes, that is my question. Disney is, after all, probably my number one source of inspiration, followed by **_**Jimmy Neutron **_**and**_** Avatar: The Last Airbender.**_

**The House Cup**

Gryffindor: 207 points

Ravenclaw: 173 points

Jedi Order: 122 points

Hufflepuff: 51 points

Slytherin: 49 points

Sith Order: 6 points (What the heck? How is that even possible?)


	29. Prisoners, Rescuers, and Victims

**If I don't update after this for a while, it's because I'm going to camp soon for a whole week so sorry, but suck it up!**

**On the first guess, only one person got my favorite Disney movie correct. It's **_**Oliver and Company. **_**Silver Moonlight Tigress was correct, so she will be in two chapters! **_**The Lion King **_**is my second favorite.**

**I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, National Treasure 2, The Hangover, Blue's Clues, Family Guy, 300, The Chronicles of Narnia, Rudy, **_**Cocoa Puffs, Twenty Questions, Mountain Dew, UFC, Rice Krispies, Red Bull, Hannah Montana, Pizza Hut, Nemesis, Blaze, Tigress, or any of the songs in this story. Or God or Chuck Norris, for that matter.**

**You know what? Let's shorten that: I own nothing except maybe the plot, Wolf, Orion, Darth Fuchsia, and Nightspike.**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Prisoners, Rescuers, and Victims**

**

* * *

**

The first thing Obi-Wan became aware of was a voice singing "Superstar." Badly. As Obi-Wan opened his heavy eyelids, he remember what had happened not so long ago: the ambush and the mysterious new Sith apprentice, Darth Fuchsia, whom he had no clue about.

He was suspended upside-down, his feet shackled to the ceiling. Chains were wrapped around his entire body, making it impossible to move. "Well of course it's impossible to move!" he muttered to himself. "Even an idiot would realize that!" Tsk, tsk, Obi-Wan was in a bad mood. Shame.

Down below, Draco Malfoy was singing shrilly, a purple iPod in his hand. _"I am a superstar with a big, big house and a big, big car! I am a superstar and I don't care who you are!"_

"You better care," said a dark, cool voice. _Snap, hiss! _A rose lightsaber blade was now pointed at Draco's throat. "Some guard you are," Darth Fuchsia sneered at Draco. "You didn't even see me coming."

Draco yelped in fear before fleeing the scene. Darth Fuchsia rolled her eyes before collapsing into a swivel chair and activating a comlink. "Somebody bring me a Midol!" she commanded.

"Or else what?" Obi-Wan's eyes widened. The other voice could only be Darth Maul. What was this teenage girl doing ordering Maul around?

"Just do as I say! Get me my Midol now! Do you want to see me PMS?"

"I'm getting it! Sheesh!" The comlink was then turned off. Darth Fuchsia groaned as she spun the chair around.

Obi-Wan was still snickering at the idea of a Sith apprentice with PMS. "Trust me, you need Midol more than that Cocoa Puff Bird needs to go to rehab."

Fuchsia snorted. "I suggest you shut up."

"Oh really?" Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows as high as they could go. "Why, because you can't think of any comebacks?"

"No, it's because you're not supposed to die...yet...and I don't want to accidentally kill you!"

Obi-Wan sighed. "Whatever. Hey, let's play Twenty Questions! First of all, where am I?"

Fuchsia just smirked as she tapped on the chair's armrest. "Yes."

"Huh?"

"Twenty Questions can only be answered with yes, no, or maybe. Those are the rules of the actual game."

"Well then...blast!" Obi-Wan swayed back and forth in his chains, looking defeated. "Hey, I'd still like to know what you have against Wolf."

The very mentioning of Wolf was a big mistake. Fuchsia swore venomously, activating her lightsaber in the process. A glass bottle of Mountain Dew shattered randomly, spraying the two with caffeinated beverage. "Never mention that name to me in such a positive voice!"

Alarmed, Obi-Wan attempted to move away, only to have his ever-present chains restrain him. Still, he gulped and stood/hung firm. "What do you have against Wolf?"

Darth Fuchsia clenched her fists, deactivating her lightsaber but still looking livid. "Wolf ruined me!" she said. "Wolf is my one little pet peeve-"

"That and PMS," Obi-Wan interrupted.

"True. But soon I will not have to worry about Wolf..."

Dread clawed at Obi-Wan. "You're going to kill her."

Fuchsia laughed then, cold and cruel. It would've made UFC fighters pee their pants, and it made Obi-Wan shudder violently. "Kill her? I can't, we're connected. But I can make her suffer, perhaps even turn her to the Dark Side."

Then Obi-Wan asked the one question he desired answered most. "If you're after Wolf, then why did you capture me?"

Darth Fuchsia looked him directly in the eye. "You're the bait. Duh."

* * *

Wolf hated conference rooms, almost as much as she hated crappy hospitals. They both involved someone controlling an aspect of another person's life, no matter what you said. Sitting in a stiff chair at a long table, surrounded by various characters, Wolf wondered why the heck she hadn't built a mini fridge into this joyless, fun-sucking cube of nightmares. This place was her own invention, after all.

"You're sure about this?" Anakin said, snapping Wolf out of her reverie. On the right side of the table, Anakin was conversing with Snape about some new problem. What was it again? Oh yeah, Obi-Wan being kidnapped. She almost forgot.

"I'm absolutely positive," Severus Snape replied. Wolf frowned. The narrator hadn't bothered to give him a theme song? Humph! What a shame.

Her mind drifted to her breakfast earlier that day, a bowl of Rice Krispies. She snickered, thinking of "Snape, Crackle, Pop! Rice Krispies!" complete with Snape attired in Snap's little hat and everything.

Someone smacked Wolf in the side of the head. "Pay attention, Wolf!" Nemesis hissed. Wolf glanced to her left to face Nemesis before mouthing an apology. To Wolf's right, Eowyn sighed at the duo.

The room grew dark as Han Solo/Indiana Jones (he really needs just one name) projected images at a screen. It was of a sneering, P.O. brunette girl with yellow flecked eyes, swinging her rose lightsaber at Obi-Wan's head. Snape spoke, "This girl, as I just found out, is Palpy-cakes's new apprentice, Darth Fuchsia. She is-"

"Hold on," Harry said, gaping. "Did you just call Palpatine 'Palpy-cakes'?"

"I did?" Snape snarled. "Well then, Potter, thank you for pointing that out. Ten points from Gryffindor."

"We're not at Hogwarts! You can't take points from me!"

"You're right! Ten points from Gryffindor!"

Harry huffed, while Wolf gazed open-mouthed at the projection. "Impossible!"

"What? Wolf, is this girl familiar to you in any way?" Anakin asked.

"Well yeah, now that you mention it, but I was referring to her pink lightsaber! That's just wrong!"

Aragorn rose from his seat. "Wolf..." Then he noticed the can Wolf was holding. "Hold on, why are you drinking Red Bull?"

"It gives me wings," Wolf stated simply, as if the answer was obvious.

"Throw that out now!"

"Never! You can't make me! I'll coat your sword in hot candle wax! I'll eat your horse! I'll tell Arwen, your dear fiancée, about what happened at the movie theater last week!"

"You wouldn't dare, you little piece of trash!"

"Back on topic here," Luke said. "The rescue party will consist of myself, my father, Harry, Ron, Aragorn, Eowyn, Nemesis, and Wolf." Aragorn groaned at being in the same group as Wolf, which merely made the young Random Master grin. "Snape will go get information on the villains, and Blaze and Orion will lead everyone else here as they prepare for possible war."

Someone knocked on the door. Wolf frowned. who could possibly be knocking, unless it was her...of course! "Come in!" she called. The door opened, but the person who entered was not who she expected. A teenage girl walked in, a deactivated lightsaber in her right hand and a silver bow in her left. Wolf hid her disappointment. "You're not the pizza delivery guy."

"No," said the girl. "I'm Tigress! I'm here to assist with the situation!"

"Great!" said Anakin. "You can stay here with Blaze and help out."

Blaze smiled scarily at Tigress, who sent a creepy grin right back at Blaze. They would work well together. The others just sighed, thinking that they should've been used to random stuff like this by now.

* * *

"So when's the next Halley's Comet?" Wolf asked randomly as the search party drove along in a nice, roomy van.

"I...don't know?" Luke responded.

"But it's not tonight?"

"No."

It was then that Aragorn finally asked The Question, the one thing everyone has been wondering for a long, long time..."Why are you this random?"

"The million dollar question!" Nemesis exclaimed, snickering.

Wolf just shrugged. "You want an honest answer? Well, I really don't know. It might be due to head trauma, it might be some awful psychological illness, or it could just be what God gifted me with."

Wolf gazed out the window, unfocused and muttering about dogs and chicken nuggets. Nemesis took advantage of this moment. "She enjoys being crazy. Insanity allows Wolf to act however she wants without being questioned."

"Ah," said everyone else in the car except for Wolf, who still had Red Bull pulsating through her veins.

"Red Bull is made of Chuck Norris's pee," Wolf said randomly.

"My point exactly," Nemesis added.

"So what are we doing after this?" Ron asked.

"I vote we go to Pizza Hut!" Harry said, desperate for some greasy pepperoni.

"Never!" Aragorn denied. "The last time we all went there after a chapter was finished, Dooku ended up eating all of the breadsticks!"

"Then he doesn't go with us," said Nemesis.

"Well, we could all go bowling. Palpatine's an epic fail at that."

"I'm pretty sure the reviewers would find it odd if one of us mentioned a bowling trip," said Luke.

"So what? The reviewers are cool and all, but why should we care if we adlib something or change the script around a bit?" said Eowyn questioningly.

"We always change our scripts," said Wolf. "it's not like- Oh crap, they're still here! Flow, enter a page break! Enter a page break, I say! Now! Please, I'm begging-"

* * *

Prisoners really needed to be cheery. Sure, it was true the food was spoiled, the water was contaminated, and the cells and chains were ridden with lethal diseases, but even so, if you were going to die anyways you might as well annoy someone else to death as well! This was Obi-Wan's mindset as he sang, _"She's in to superstition! Black cats and voodoo dolls! I have a premonition-"_

Outside of the cell, Darth Maul shivered. He really did not like Obi-Wan Kenobi, as you all probably knew already. "Please stop!"

But Obi-Wan did not stop. He wouldn't admit it, but Wolf was truly rubbing off on him.

* * *

The search party had ditched the van and were now searching the town on foot. Each one was thinking about something different. Anakin was worried about Obi-Wan, Luke was worried about what Obi-Wan would say once they rescued him, Aragorn was worrying about what stunt Wolf would pull next, Eowyn was fantasizing about war, Harry was thinking about the new Sith apprentice and her motives while Ron was drooling as he thought to himself how hot Darth Fuchsia was. Nemesis was muttering to herself about umbrellas and buckets while Wolf imagined up a giraffe doing the cancan.

It was then Wolf sank to her knees and examined the ground, looking like she had hit the jackpot in the lottery.

Excited, Nemesis asked, "Did you find a clue?"

"No, but I think a dog urinated here!"

Everyone rolled their eyes. Nemesis huffed. "This is more useless than that car chase in _National Treasure 2."_

"I agree!" said Eowyn.

"Hey, I love that movie! There's nothing wrong with it!" Anakin defended.

"I like that movie too," Nemesis continued, "but the car chase was a waste of time. 'They're going fifteen miles an hour, Ben! Go seventeen, Ben! Go seventeen!'"

Luke snickered before glancing at the ground and noticing something odd. "Hey guys, I found something!"

"Wow! Good job!" Nemesis said sarcastically. "Would you like a cookie?"

"Yes!"

"Well, too bad." They all bent down to the ground and examined what Luke had found: a humongous footprint.

"Maybe it's a liopleurodon?" Ron suggested.

"No, too small," Anakin said as he yanked out a magnifying glass. "Probably an Orc. We found a clue!"

"Shall we write it in our handy dandy notebook?" said Harry.

Ron glanced at his best friend. "You've been watching _Blue's Clues _again, haven't you?"

"Of course! I love that show!" Everyone backed away from Harry then. Well, everyone except for Wolf and Nemesis. Nemesis was long used to the insane, and Wolf was too busy examining the possible urine spot to care.

Luke examined the area ahead of them. "The footprints head north."

* * *

Fuchsia filed her nails as Palpy-cakes lecture her once more. They were both sitting on two ridiculously luxurious armchairs, with Palpy-cakes looking arrogant and imbecilic and Fuchsia looking bored and annoyed.

"Now, you can't wear red shoes when your shirt is green. It clashes. Don't use body paint, it's a turn-off. Huge belts are in, frocks are out, don't-"

"Would you please shut up?" Fuchsia spat, cutting off Palpy-cakes and his disturbing lecture. "None of that is even useful! I know all of it already! Now, something useful would be 'Don't pass out with your shoes on' or various other things." She glared daggers at Palpy-cakes, but before he could electrocute her with Force Lightning, the door opened and in strode Moldyshorts, Dookie Cookie, Darth Paul, and Severus Snape.

"Darth Paul?" Fuchsia murmured. "Really?"

Paul sounds like Maul. Get over it. Who names a Sith Paul? Paul's a human's name!

"Palpatine, my servant is here to give you a report," Voldemort hissed. Snape bristled slightly, but displayed no other reaction. Fuchsia smirked at them all, like she had one big secret. And she did. No one knew it yet, not even Palpy-cakes.

"Sir," Snape reported. "I have news that the Jedi and their colleagues are creating a search party to search for Kenobi. It consists of both Skywalkers, Potter, Ronald Weasley, Aragorn, Eowyn, Nemesis, and Wolf." Fuchsia ground her teeth at the mention of Wolf, which made no sense to Snape. What was up her butt? Then Snape shrugged, thinking it was probably due to PMS.

"What shall we do, Master?" Fuchsia queried. Only Snape detected the malice in her words. So Palpatine's own apprentice detested him? Very intriguing.

Palpatine frowned, deep in thought. Which means Palpy-cakes truly could think! He actually didn't rely on the world for his train of thought. Still, he will always be a few tacos short of a combination plate. Then he snapped his fingers in triumph. "Call up Boba Fett!"

* * *

Back in the van, Wolf rubbed her temples irritably. Beside her, Aragorn was squirming uncomfortably while Nemesis just sighed as she looked at the other half of the Duo of DOOM. "Please don't tell me you're on your period." she said to Wolf.

Wolf did not reply, which answered the question by itself. This only made Aragorn more anxious, and an anxious Ranger is never a good thing.

Riding shotgun, Luke twiddled his thumbs, still worrying about Obi-Wan. Anakin glanced at his son. "Are you okay?" Luke nodded, but his eyes told otherwise. "Luke," Anakin spoke quietly. "I know it will all be fine. Trust me. Obi-Wan always finds a way out of danger, and if he doesn't then I do. We'll find a way, I promise."

Luke smiled slightly. "Thanks, Dad! I love you!"

"I love you too, Luke. It'll all be-"

"Well, this is very touching," interrupted Eowyn. "But Boba Fett is up on that hill with a missile launcher, and I don't think now is the time for father-son bonding."

Anakin and Luke's head twisted to the hill Eowyn was gesturing at. Sure enough, there was Boba Fett in all of his owning glory, taking aim at their van. He wouldn't be shooting if they had anything to say about it. "Crap," Anakin snarled as he took a sharp turn to the right. The only evasive strategy Anakin could think of was doughnuts, so that's exactly what he did. Meanwhile, Luke unbuckled his seat belt and grabbed his lightsaber, while Eowyn and Aragorn fingered the hilts of their swords, Nemesis reached for her pitchfork, and Wolf picked up her licorice whip and a lighter, deciding her lightsabers were untrustworthy, what with the batteries and all.

As the car slammed into the hillside, they all jumped into action. Anakin took his time undoing his seatbelt, but Nemesis and Eowyn instantaneously leapt out of the car, ready to kick some bounty hunter butt. Aragorn and Luke muttered something about "crazy females" before following, and Wolf went to open the car trunk, muttering about ketchup. "FOR NARNIA!" Eowyn cried.

"WRONG FANDOM!" cried the rest of them.

Fett reacted instantly, flying up with his jetpack and pressing buttons on a gauntlet. Darts burst from his arms, the projectiles nearly grazing Anakin's face. And you never touched a pretty boy's face, it just ticked them off..

"SPARTA!" Nemesis screeched, as she hurled her pitchfork upwards. Under his mask, Fett snorted, which was his very first mistake: he underestimated Nemesis. The pitchfork slammed into his breastplate, sending him crashing to the ground. But he wasn't finished yet.

Lightsabers lit and swords unsheathed, Anakin and Luke advanced on Fett, while Nemesis went to retrieve her pitchfork. Wolf was still nowhere to be seen, but Anakin had a premonition of what she was planning, and he knew for a fact it wouldn't be a pretty sight. As Fett used some knives built into his gauntlet to deflect their blows, Anakin could faintly make out a whining noise- then the Force screamed out a warning, and Anakin barely managed to shove himself and Luke aside before what impossibly appeared to be a Molotov cocktail whirled past his head, colliding with Fett's already battered armor and combusting. Fett smashed into the ground and did not get up.

"Did I get him?" Wolf asked as she trotted up to them, looking deranged. Anakin did not want to know how she knew what a Molotov cocktail was, let alone how to make one.

Harry asked anyways. "Wolf, how the heck did you know how to make a- never mind, I don't want to know."

Wolf answered anyways. "Well, there was a few glass milk bottles in the trunk, so I started with those. Next I tapped into the engine and extracted some gasoline, since petrol fuel is a vital ingredient. Then I took a rag and-"

"If you are finished with your weapons talk," interjected Eowyn. "I think it's time to check whether or not Fett is dead."

Ron lashed out with his foot at Fett, eliciting a pitiful moan. "Yeah, he's still kicking."

"What..." Fett trailed off.

Anakin grasped Fett's helmet and yanked it off, revealing the dark face underneath. "Who sent you?" he interrogated. "Whom were they after?"

"Why do you have to be such a pain?" added Aragorn.

"First of all," said Fett. "I was sent by Palpatine, obviously. They sent me here for Wolf, though the Skywalkers, Potter, Aragorn, and Nemesis were bonuses. I have to be a pain because it's my job, and I'm bloody good at it."

"Dude, my question was rhetorical," Aragorn said as he rolled his eyes.

"Sure it was."

"I thought you never talked?"

"That's a lie."

"What should we do with him?" Luke asked.

"I suppose we could neuter him," stated Eowyn.

"Or we could feed him to a pool of piranhas," suggested Nemesis.

"Or we could make him tap dance and sing _The Good Ship Lollipop," _Wolf said hopefully.

"Heck no!" said everyone else.

"Darn," Wolf whispered to herself.

"He will come with us," Anakin said commandingly, quashing the hopes of the others. They groaned but did as he said, manacling his hands.

"What was the point of sending Fett, anyways?" Eowyn asked. "The only way that would be sensible is if-"

"If it was a trap, hmm?" croaked an all too familiar voice. Far above, a ginormous (Yes, I consider ginormous a word) ship turned off its cloaking device, and the search party knew they were doomed.

* * *

Blaze and Tigress sighed as they sat in the hangar, bored out of their minds. Leia, Han/Indy, Orion, Hermione, Nightspike, Sirius, Lupin, Yoda, Mace, Frodo, Sam, Qui-Gon, Chewbacca, and all the others were gathered there as well, and everyone was irked by the lack of action.

"Let's play charades!" Blaze exclaimed, startling everyone out of their thought trains. She made a strangled, hissing noise, looking constipated.

"A toilet!" Tigress guessed.

"No, she's a mouse!" Han/Indy said, sure he was correct.

Chewbacca growled incomprehensively.

"A monkey!" said Sirius.

"A lawnmower!" stated Sam.

"Idiots!" interjected Leia. "She's a snake." Everyone groaned when Blaze nodded, approving Leia's answer.

"This sucks," Sirius groaned.

"You know something? _You_ suck!" Tigress retorted.

"Please stop fighting!" Frodo pleaded. "If you do not shut up, I will slip on the One Ring and hand myself over to Sauron!" When everyone ignored Frodo, he added on, "Then I will sing Hannah Montana songs and smother you all in ketchup." Then everyone finally shut up.

"So..." Tigress trailed off.

"Can you get high off pixie sticks?" Blaze asked.

"I don't think so, no," responded Hermione.

"Good." Blaze then began chugging down as many pixie sticks as she could stomach, causing everyone to back away from her. A hyper Blaze was not always a good thing.

"Don't be so glum!" Sam cheered. "Let's play some football!" At tossed the ball just one time, but that was when Han/Indy began chanting, "Rudy! Rudy!" Sam stopped all antics then.

* * *

Obi-Wan sighed. Saruman was now guarding him, and Saruman had a bad habit of whacking Obi-Wan on the head with his staff when Obi-Wan was a vexation. So for once, Obi-Wan kept his mouth shut.

"Move along, Saruman," a silky voice drawled. "It's my turn on guard duty." Saruman gratefully sprinted towards the door, glad for the break in monotony. Severus Snape took the so-called White Wizard's place.

"This is very awkward for me, you know," Obi-Wan finally spoke. "I don't know whether or not you're evil and all, so I'm not sure what to say..."

Snape did not speak, so Obi-Wan continued, "Well, are you happy to see me, at least?"

"Absolutely ecstatic," Snape sarcastically replied.

"Now, now, there's no need to be so snarky! By the way, did you tell the others about Darth Fuchsia being-"

"Being after Wolf? I haven't been able to leave. The Dark Lord keeps stopping by, imploring me for potions and errands and bonbons...It's ridiculous. Did Fuchsia rant to you about anything?"

"Just about her being after Wolf and all of that uncivilized talk. She did mention something interesting about being connected to Wolf."

Oh really?" Snape sounded interested now. "What did she say?"

"Just that she and Wolf were connected and that she could never kill her. You know, the usual garbage. Any ideas on what she meant?"

"I can only think of three possibilities, to be honest. None of are good."

"Well, at least Wolf is safe and far away, and not-" The door banged open, and Obi-Wan's worst fears were realized: he was going to be imprisoned with Wolf and Nemesis. True, it was also horrid that Wolf had been captured and was going to be tortured, but come on! Being chained to Wolf and Nemesis was a nightmare! They would never shut their mouths!

"Hey, Obi-Wan!" Luke shouted. "They captured us too! isn't that terrific?"

"It's wonderful, Luke," Obi-Wan muttered.

Following the manacled crowd was Palpatine, Voldemort, Sauron, a cloaked figure Obi-Wan could only assume was Fuchsia, and a small pack of lackeys consisting of stormtroopers, Death Eaters, and Orcs. As chains were coiled around the new prisoners, the villains began chatting amiably about world domination and the like. Though fuchsia listened to them, she remained silent. Finally, the work was done and Anakin, Luke, Harry, Ron, Aragorn, Eowyn, and Wolf were dangling alongside Obi-Wan, looking rather hopeless but feeling rather rebellious. Obi-Wan also noticed Boba Fett, who had collapsed in a chair not too far away.

Immediately after the lackeys left, Palpatine sneered. "You think you're all that, don't you?"

"All what?" Ron whispered.

"I have no idea," Harry whispered right back. "All fat, maybe?" They both snickered, while the others rolled their eyes.

"But you never saw this coming!" Voldemort bellowed.

"A plot twist!" said the cloaked figure, and Fuchsia removed her hood, revealing her creepy mien. Now that Obi-Wan saw them together, Wolf and Fuchsia looked incredibly alike. Were it not for Fuchsia being several years older, Obi-wan would've believed them to be twins. Perhaps she was Wolf's sister? He knew she had one.

Wolf frowned slightly, her eyebrows creasing. "I know you from somewhere..." It seemed to Obi-Wan that Wolf already knew Fuchsia's identity, but she wanted to giggle at whatever lie Fuchsia came up with.

But Fuchsia's reply wiped the smirk off Wolf's face. "Isn't it obvious? I'm you?"

* * *

**Cliffhanger much? So, what did you think of it? There's just one last chapter of this trilogy before it reverts back to normal, so be on the lookout for the next update! Vote on my poll please.**

**Five points goes to whoever tells me their favorite crossover pairing. The characters have to be from either **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, **_**or **_**Lord of the Rings. **_**And the two characters can't be from the same fandom!**

**The House Cup**

Gryffindor: 215 points

Ravenclaw: 177 points

Jedi Order: 130 points

Hufflepuff: 52 points

Slytherin: 51 points

Sith Order: 7 points (Ugh...)


	30. Dementia versus Fuchsia

**I'm back form camp! I learned a lot and had so much fantastic fun! I played paintball, jumped off a cliff, ate amazing food, learned more abut God and Jesus, and the best part is...I didn't flip off a bike and break my neck again! Happy day!**

**To start, I will respond to a flame from Aluminum Poop:**

**First of all, Tigress answered one day before you. Believe me, I double-checked it. Second, I'm not perfect and everyone knows it, so there's no point in calling me a Mary Sue. Almost everyone said on my poll that I wasn't! Third, I'm am a Christian. Therefore, I'm not going to hell and I don't believe Tigress is either! Your vulgarity goes unappreciated. But finally, thank you for making me realize that many people out there are cowards and that I am an intelligent person, because I don't publish profanity like that. Thanks!**

**Thank you for the other reviews! They were great! I received my first Silly Band today. It's a penguin!**

**I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Wiggles, 300, The Lion King, **_**Silly Bands, the Macarena, Red Bull, Twizzlers, Pizza Hut, or any of the songs mentioned in this story.**

**Chapter Thirty: Dementia versus Fuchsia**

**

* * *

**

Wolf did not even blink. Already her mental gears were at work, slowly but surely discovering a conclusion that would make sense to no one else but her. In the meantime, she glared at Darth Fuchsia. "There's no way you can be me."

Around Wolf, the others were all gaping, horror etched on their faces. Only Nemesis remained calm. No, scratch that. Nemesis was snickering at Fuchsia, already guessing what Wolf was going to say.

Fuchsia just raised one thin eyebrow. "And why would you say that?"

The puzzle piece inside Wolf's mind were connecting as she replied, "Because there's no way I would stuff my bra!"

Nemesis burst into uproarious laughter. The other captives were barely concealing their laughter, and Wolf could spot Boba Fett and Snape snorting. Fuchsia yelped and slapped Wolf. "Liar!" she shrieked.

Wolf really didn't mind the slap. By now, she had developed high pain tolerance. You would too if you had broken your neck and gotten a jagged puncture wound in your forehead like Harry Potter. But Wolf was not too fond of being called a liar. "I'm not lying! It's obvious!"

"Is not!" said Fuchsia.

"Is too!" Wolf shot back.

"She's right, you know," said Nemesis. "I can see a tuft of toilet paper sticking out."

Fuchsia's glower could melt Sauron into a puddle. Or at least, Fuchsia thought it could. Wolf found it to be rather pathetic. Fuchsia turned on Nemesis, looking ticked as usual. "How about you shut your mouth before I make you?"

Nemesis rolled her eyes, which looked odd when upside-down. "Oh wow, how original. And Wolf turning to the Dark Side is illogical."

"Maybe to you, but it would make more sense to me!" said Fuchsia.

"I agree with Nemesis," Luke spoke up. "Wolf is way too crazy for the Dark Side."

"And she often rants about right and wrong," said Harry.

"She's also not a total idiot," said Obi-Wan.

"And evil people don't build towers out of toilet paper rolls," Ron.

"Nor do they eat watermelon," piped up Anakin.

"Exactly!" Nemesis continued Nemesis, as Wolf gave everyone appreciative looks. "Wolf turning to the Dark Side is as likely as Voldemort getting a perm."

"Besides," said a grinning Wolf. "If I were on the Dark Side, my lightsaber wouldn't be pink."

"Why would you say that?" asked Fuchsia.

The enigma of Fuchsia's identity was resolved in Wolf's mind. "You tell me, Melinda."

Almost all of the other captives were bamboozled, but Harry said, "Wait, Melinda? As in your old imaginary friend?"

Fuchsia was snarling now. Wolf could've sworn she was frothing from the mouth, which was not one of her habits. Nor had Fuchsia started humming "The Good Ship Lollipop" or anything from _The Lion King, _so Wolf was positive she was correct about the young Sith's identity. "Who is Melinda? I've never heard of-"

"Okay, now you're the liar," interjected Wolf. "I understand everything now. Palpy-cakes yanked you out of my brain- that sounds so creepy- and brought you to life via a vortex. Then you decided to extract your revenge on me for ditching you."

At this point Palpy-cakes decided to take charge of his apprentice. "Fuchsia! Tell her it is all a lie!"

But Fuchsia shook her head, a sneer fixed upon her face. "Quiet, _Master." _She said the last word with oodles of venom. Wolf already guessed at Fuchsia's despising of the other Sith, but she hadn't expected it to show so soon. Was Fuchsia an imbecile? Then again, her name was a color.

"Something doesn't seem right about your name," Wolf blurted. You know, sometimes I wish I could slap Wolf in the face, shake her and screech "Are you on crack?" But I can't, for I have no hands. Or a body, for that matter. Eh, whatever. Wolf will always say moronic, ridiculous statements in the face of the enemy.

"I find it to be a perfectly normal Sith name," said Palpatine. He was standing alongside Fuchsia, determined to keep his ultimate weapon...a weapon Wolf had created at the age of six. Huh, isn't that diabolical?

"It just doesn't sound right!" Wolf exclaimed, looking bothered. "What could possibly be wrong with it...besides having to do with _pink, _my least favorite color. I imagine that's why you chose that name."

"Exactly!" said Fuchsia. "You could join, you know."

"Don't listen to them, Wolf!" Anakin shouted. "The Dark Side sucks royal hippogriff!" Darth Maul lashed out with his ginormous lightsaber hilt; it smashed into Anakin's face with a dull smack. Anakin grunted in pain but continued to taunt, "Get over here and I'll bite your legs off!"

"Ignore the others!" Palpy-cakes shrilly ordered. "I may yet gain another apprentice!"

"Wait a minute!" Voldemort interrupted before Palpatine could rant further. "How come it's always you who gets a the new apprentice? I'd enjoy a new Death Eater!"

"And it would be wonderful to have another Ringwraith!" said Sauron. Aragorn, Ron, and Obi-Wan all snickered at Sauron saying anything was wonderful. Each one was kicked in the face, but it was _so_ worth it.

"Join us!" Fuchsia bellowed. For a prep, she sure was scary. Of course, it wasn't Wolf who was afraid of her, it was Aragorn and Ron. But that's not the point! "You can be...Darth Dementia! That sounds so much cooler than Darth Vex, I think. And a red lightsaber would go so well with your outfit!"

Okay, I'll admit that Wolf blinked owlishly this time. She had created...a fashion guru? That was so wrong! "You sick, disgusting, horrid, evil, moronic, revolting, monstrous, perverted, corrupted, constipated, retarded, shallow, pedantic, stupid loser! If you think I want to join the Dark Side for your friendship so we can braid hair together and talk about boys-"

"Those are not my intentions."

"-Then you're very much mistaken! I also won't join so you can have your revenge and rob me of my soul. That's just dumb."

Palpy-cakes seethed, but Fuchsia did something equally disturbing: she smiled. "Very well then. We'll do this the hard way."

* * *

Orion wagged his tail back and forth impatiently. Where the heck were Wolf and the others? He had made a bet with Hermione...a bet he had lost. And now he had to pay, but not in cash. This was much, much worse.

"You ready?" Hermione questioned as she held up a couple helium tanks. Behind her, Luna, Pippin, Merry, and Han/Indy/Whatever His Name Is Now all assisted in carrying helium tanks.

Orion gulped. _Brace yourself, _he thought to himself before replying, _Ready. You guys suck!_

"Suck it up," said Hermione, as she fed a hose up to Orion. He began inhaling the helium.

In all, the dark violet dragon was forced to intake seventeen tanks of helium, an amount that would have murdered a human being. Not a dragon, though. To illustrate what followed, I will first tell you the tale of Colossus the dragon. One day, Colossus lost a bet with his brother, Tank, and had to eat a wiener dog and seven dozen helium balloons. The poor, unfortunate wiener dog went down fine, but the helium balloons gave Colossus indigestion. Do you realize what happens when a _dragon _gets indigestion? Their farts are fireballs.

Colossus was Orion's father. His mother Eva also had stomach issues. Orion did not know this, and the others just thought his roars would be squeaky.

I won't say what happened next, but there was a hole the size of the Millennium Falcon in Wolf's hangar. _Holy cheese sandwiches__! _Orion thought as he flew out of the hangar, outside and into the blue.

Meanwhile, the others in the conference heard the boom. "What was that?" asked Leia.

"A moth, it probably was," said Yoda, but he was chuckling.

"If the strike team fails," said Mace as he slammed his fist down onto the table. "how then shall we attack?"

"Eliminate Darth Fuchsia, we must," said Yoda.

"But how?" queried Legolas. "We'll have to take drastic measure, and I really don't want to damage my precious hair."

All was silent as everyone stared at him.

After a few minutes of creepiness, Tigress coughed and said, "So how will we defeat her?" She was doodling pictures of noodles, panda bears, and talking oranges into a notebook while chewing on beef jerky, attempting to blow bubbles with the chewy material.

No one knew how to answer this, not even Yoda. And that's when Blaze's head snapped up and a light bulb above her ignited. "That's it! The vortex!"

"Huh?" said everyone simultaneously.

"The vortex...How do I explain?" Blaze darted over to an enormous dry erase board and began drawing a diagram with a blue marker. "One day in school, Wolf's science teacher assigned a project involving space, time, and momentum. That's when Wolf began noticing odd abnormalities, such as objects vanishing or being transported from place to place in the blink of an eye. Wolf was able to predict when the next large abnormality would happen.

"When it did, Wolf decided to experiment by tossing in a few DVDs...these DVDs being the Star Wars series, along with a few other books. And that's how you guys showed up. She followed up with Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. The machine was just to conceal the secret."

"So..." Leia trailed off, unsure of what to say. "We should...push Fuchsia into a vortex?"

Blaze gave her an incredulous look. "Of course not! She'll come back up on us, like rancid tuna! I was trying to say that we can sue these vortexes to our advantage. Wolf even made a chart of the vortex times."

Though no one noticed, Yoda smirked. Make things simple, young people did. But the elders were the ones who kicked butt in the process.

* * *

"_It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small, small-"_

"Cut off your racket, Wolf!" Luke hollered from his distant cell. Palpatine had had the prisoners all herded down to the dungeons, where they were meant to await their doom. The thing about doom...it's just not for them, you know?

"_Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!" _serenaded Harry.

"Will you shut your insolent mouths?" Snape demanded. He had been ordered to guard duty, along with a redheaded chick by the name of Mara Jade. Only Anakin, Wolf, and Nemesis recognized her.

"_There they all are standing in a row!" _continued Ron.

Then every captive joined in, _"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your-"_

"I forgot!" said Wolf, smacking a palm to her forehead. "Snape needs a new theme song!"

"Please no..."

"Tell me, Severus, did you eat your fruit salad today?"

"I...what?"

"_Fruit salad! Yummy, yummy!" _Wolf was not a fan of _The Wiggles, _but she loved that song.

In his cell, Luke frowned while Wolf went on to sing "Numa Numa" and the others occasionally chimed in. Through the Force, he could sense Wolf's mind going haywire, a feeling he associated with her concocting a plan. His father leaned in closer to whisper, "Wolf is planning something."

"Really?" Luke hissed back. "I hadn't noticed!"

"Stop being a Negative Nelly!" Nemesis muttered to Luke. Her cell was on Luke's right.

"You should be acting negative," said a very grumpy Mara Jade. Did you know that she's a daywalkler? It means she has red hair, but not light skin or freckles. She's scary! "Palpatine said he's planning on killing you all...well, except for whichever of you are Wolf and Nemesis."

Wolf was dumbfounded. Nemesis spoke up, "Why isn't he killing us?"

"He wants Wolf to watch and Darth Fuchsia," she spoke Fuchsia's name with as much maliciousness as possible. "is going to torture you, Nemesis." She huffed and muttered under her breath. "That good for nothing backstabber!"

Wolf contemplated this. Fuchsia was going to slaughter nearly everyone, Mara felt betrayed and maybe even wanted to desert, she was arguing with herself and losing, there was no pie, and Wolf had nothing with her except-

Except what was in her backpack. But how to allow the others to escape? There were very few options, and every path onward was grim and dangerous...so Wolf might as well pick the most annoying idea possible. "Hey!" she bellowed through the bars of her cell. Mara and Snape both glanced at her. "Go get Fuchsia. I'm going to make a deal with her."

* * *

Fuchsia descended down the dark, murky staircase, brooding. What did the little brat want this time? Perhaps she had broken Wolf's spirit, and the psychopath had decided to join the Dark Side? But that couldn't be right. Wolf may have be self-deprecating and hyperactive, but she was a stubborn pain as well as afraid of losing her soul.

Not only that, but Fuchsia couldn't see any self-respecting Sith jumping on mattresses at department stores and hollering "Hollaback Girl" for all to hear while shooting marshmallows at innocent bystanders. It was undignified!

As she opened the door to the dungeon, she glowered menacingly at every prisoner she immediately set her eyes upon. From within, she overheard Mara snarling and Snape huffing. Finally she stopped in front of the cell that contained her object of hatred: Wolf.

Said object of hatred grinned cheekily at her. "Hello there!"

Fuchsia seethed. What was up with this freak? She never gave up! "Why did you call me down here?"

Wolf shrugged. "Well, I want to make a deal with you. Also, I was going to ask for a platter of warm cookies. But then I heard you make your projects burn and fail too easily, so I changed my mind."

"Just tell me what you wanted, okay, you little pain in my-"

Wolf cut her off with a slash of hand. "Let my friends go."

Fuchsia just laughed. Seriously? This is all Wolf could think of? How pathetic! "Of course not. Those fools will just get in our way...hang on one second. Mara, leave!" said Fuchsia to the former Emperor's Hand.

Mara's fists clenched. "Are you on crack? I'm not leaving! You're not the boss of me!"

"Actually, Palpatine gave me command of any of his soldier or underlings, including you."

Mara growled at an evilly smirking Fuchsia before exiting the room, slamming the door behind her.

"Now that Palpatine's little minion is gone-"

"Look who's talking," said Obi-Wan from his cage.

"Shut up!" Fuchsia yelled.

"Hang on, I have a question!" exclaimed Anakin.

"WHAT?"

"...Since your real name is Melinda, may I call you Melon?"

Fuchsia was shocked, not only by Anakin's boldness but by the absurdity of the request. From the looks on the rest of the prisoners' faces, Fuchsia could tell they wanted to ask the same thing. She ignored Anakin after that. "Anyways, since Jade is no longer around, I can begin explaining. My goal is to-"

"Escape from Palpatine and become the ultimate Sith Master?" questioned Harry.

Now Fuchsia truly did gape. "That's a lie!"

Harry sighed. "Dude, I'm a therapist. I can tell what you were thinking."

"Let me get this straight," said Wolf, as her hands fidgeted with her restraints. "Your plan is world domination?"

"Yes."

"But that's unoriginal!"

"Just because everyone else has failed epically at it doesn't mean I will! I'm far more powerful than any of you!"

Wolf's face was rather impassive now, as thought it had been carved of stone. To tell you the truth, it took oodles of concentration for Wolf to not crack up laughing at her enemy. "Are you constipated? Because you're certainly full of crap."

Fuchsia shot a single burst of Force lightning through Wolf's cell bars and into her face. Seriously, you'd think Fuchsia would have realized that Wolf was a stubborn pain in the butt by now; one burst would not deter her. As Wolf got up, she spat out a huge loogie before saying, "Fine. If you release my friends, I'll give you my Force powers!"

"Really?" Melon's eyes lit up greedily. "And don't call me Melon!"

"No!" cried Luke.

"Wolf, get a hold of yourself!" exclaimed Eowyn.

"Stop!" shouted Ron.

"Wolf, if you die because of this I swear I'll kill you!" Nemesis shrieked.

Wolf only had eyes for Fuchsia. True, they were eyes that shot flaming, figurative arrows at the Sith apprentice, but she still wasn't looking at anyone else. It was as if Wolf was a six-year old and Fuchsia was a television playing a marathon of _Teletubbies. _Fuchsia did not hesitate. "Deal."

"Okay then."

Fuchsia grinned like an idiot as she unlocked Wolf's cell door and led her away. Double the Force powers! She could've jumped on a table at Hogwarts and done the Macarena in celebration.

* * *

Inside his cell, Anakin was fidgeting. "Okay, how the Force is Fuchsia going to take away Wolf's Force powers?"

"Knowing Fuchsia," said Nemesis darkly. "it will probably involve peanut butter."

All was silent for a minute or two before Harry asked incredulously, "Peanut butter?"

"One of Wolf's worst fears is peanut butter sticking to the roof of her mouth, after all. Fuchsia will probably know that. I'm pretty sure she remembers nearly everything from Wolf's life from age six to age eleven. After that she fell into the endless abyss that is Wolf's mind, through which few return with their sanity. I mean, just think about it. If Wolf didn't even remember Fuchsia as being a brilliant thought, imagine some of Wolf's creepier creations.

Everyone shuddered. "Still, I can't imagine Wolf just doing something like this without thinking. She seemed smarter than that!" said Eowyn.

"Wolf scares me," Aragorn whimpered.

"Agreed," said everyone except for Nemesis.

"Knowing her, Wolf probably has a totally random and ramshackle plan put together in her brain," said Anakin.

"It's probably not ramshackle, Anakin," argued Obi-Wan. "Though she doesn't always show it, I've felt Wolf to be an ingenious creep with a master plan for every situation, no matter how random her plan is."

"Just like at Elder Street," Luke muttered. Form his guard position, Snape shuddered.

"And there's no way Fuchsia can steal Wolf's Force powers," said Nemesis, feeling a little happier as she thought about it. "It's not logic-"

BANG! The dungeon doors burst open. In walked Mara and Boba Fett, supporting a drooling Wolf between them. Behind those three was Fuchsia, who was holding a vial containing a peculiar, shiny, silvery substance up to the light. "Throw her in her cell!" Mara and Fett obliged, tossing Wolf inside. "I'll have some underlings lead these other imbeciles away. You three stay on guard duty."

Fuchsia snapped her fingers. Darth Maul, Count Dooku, Draco and Lucius Malfoy, and Saruman strutted in, looking cocky. They were followed by a myriad of Orcs and stormtroopers. As the occupied cells were unlocked, Anakin overheard Wolf muttering something about peanut butter, but he felt very little Force energy pouring off her whatsoever. "Crud."

* * *

The others were all safe. That relieved Wolf more than a good urination after a twelve-hour drive. And her pesky Force powers were gone for good, which meant she could finally focus her other abilities. Time for phase two. "Alright, who wants to make a daring escape with me?"

It was a _very _good thing her guards were Snape, Mara, and Boba Fett, or else Wolf would've been brutally murdered instantly for stating that bold little question. In this case, Mara just unenthusiastically said, "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because Palpatine doesn't need you anymore and you're jealous of Melon." Boba Fett snickered at Fuchsia's new name. "Since envy is not good, I'm offering you a chance to join the Light Side! Why have the Dark Side's disgusting, burnt cookies when the Light Side has pie, dental plans, health benefits, and hot men? Think about it for a second."

Hot men? Now Mara was intrigued. "Well, I suppose those Jedi _are _pretty cute...Screw this Dark Side garbage, I'm coming with you. I'm getting sick of Darth Fuchsia."

"Call her Melon, please. It's her preferred name. And since no one else here is infatuated with these evil turds, I believe its time for our escape. First of all, though, I'll need my backpack."

* * *

In front of the arsenal, Palpatine was giving orders to the Orcs. "If anyone besides myself, Lord Voldemort," everyone shuddered at the use of He-Who-Must-Be-A-Pain's actual name. "or Sauron attempts to enter this vault, kill them." It was time for the attack, which will no doubt be an epic fail.

I hope so, anyways.

* * *

Hermione gazed up into the night sky, wondering where Harry and Ron could possibly be, as well as what Yoda, Mace, Legolas, Leia, Blaze, and that Tigress chick were up to. She had seen Tigress carrying an armful of DVDs. When she asked what they were up to, Tigress merely mentioned a vortex but then went on to chatter cheerily about raspberry lemonade and turtles. So Hermione had no clue.

She also was worried about Harry, Ron, and the others. Not even a message! If they had been captured, Hermione was going to scream before she took a rusty spoon and impaled eighty-seven Death Eaters with it.

From beside her, Orion's stomach grumbled. _I hate you all for forcing me to make that bet. _Hermione heard a slight rumble and felt swathing heat fly past. _I swear I'm going to- what is that?_

Glancing up, Hermione spotted numerous, swiftly approaching blurs that she could've sworn were broomsticks. As they came closer and closer, Hermione noticed all of her missing friends...minus one. As everyone else touched down, Hermione demanded, "Tell me...where the heck is Wolf!"

Nemesis's fists clenched as she said, "She traded herself and her Force powers for our release, the little moron!"

Orion's sickly eyes snapped wide open. _Is that even possible?_

"Apparently it is,'" said Luke. "Fuchsia walked in, carrying a vial full of what I presume to be Wolf's Force powers. How that is even physically possible, I have no clue. Did you know that Fuchsia used to be Wolf's imaginary friend Melinda?"

"No, I didn't, and why did I even need to know that?" Hermione exclaimed. "Don't you realize what this means?"

"Why of course not," said Obi-Wan sarcastically. "After all, it couldn't possibly mean that we are all doomed because Fuchsia now can use twice as much power, can it?"

"Well...err, yes, actually."

"This is war!" Nemesis cried. "This is madness! This...is..."

"Sparta?" Anakin offered.

Nemesis gasped. "However did you know?"

"You guys say that too much."

* * *

Snape tossed Wolf her backpack as he asked, "Since you idiotically had your Force powers stolen-"

"Actually, Fuchsia didn't technically steal them," Wolf corrected. "You have to willingly give away your Force powers, or she would have never made that deal with me."

"Thank you for that delightful interruption, Wolf. Anyways, what powers do you have left?"

Wolf counted off on her fingers. "I'm an Animagus, I'm a Metamorphmagus- Mara, Fett, that means I can shapeshift, though I'm balls at it- and I think I have cryokinetic abilities, because I was able to make it snow during that therapy class. I still have plenty athletic ability and I'm a capable fighter."

"Great," said Mara. "Absolutely fantastic! Now, how do we get past the hundreds of minions that Palpatine, You-Know-Who-"

"Voldemort, you mean," interrupted Wolf again.

"-and Sauron have?"

"I have a few ideas," Wolf said ambiguously. "First of all, are there any there guards outside of this dungeon?"

"Yes," answered Fett.

"Cooleo. Okay, can you three go into that broom closet for a minute? I don't want to lie to them."

Confused, Snape, Mara, and Fett all listened and left the room. From inside, they heard Wolf shout, "Hey! Can you let me out? I have to pee!"

"Tell the higher-ups to let you out! I'm not in charge!" a stormtrooper replied. Fett was snickering, Snape was rolling his eyes, and Mara had raised her eyebrows.

"But I really have to go, and the important guards left!"

"Shut up!"

"Dude, I'm about to take a pi-"

"Okay, okay!" Snape, Fett, and Mara heard the other door creak open. A different stormtrooper said, "What are you holding?"

"Nothing!" Wolf cried. Mara groped for the door handle to assist Wolf, but Snape grabbed her wrist and shook his head. "Wolf is fine," he whispered. "She's acting queer as usual, but she's doing fine."

Inside, there was a small scuffle. Then the first stormtrooper said, "Hey, Tuck! This chick has some pineapple!"

"Sweet!" responded Tuck the stormtrooper. Their helmets clattered to the floor and the hidden escapees heard them shoveling the pineapple down their throats.

Two minutes later, Wolf opened the door again. "Okay, I got rid of them! Happy day!"

Puzzled, Snape, Mara, and Fett walked inside. What they saw was completely unexpected.

The two stormtroopers were rolling on the floor, chuckling deeply. "Dude," said one. "I'm a cheese sandwich!"

"That's totally kinky, man!" said the second. "I'm, like, a telephone! I run on air, man! I run on air!"

They both sighed. Fett tilted his helmet towards Wolf. "We could've just stunned them, you know."

Wolf smiled right back at the bounty hunter. "I know, but that's no fun."

* * *

The Star Destroyer was currently cloaked, yet Fuchsia felt exposed anyways. She was also furious at her master, who had forbidden her from opening the vial of Wolf's Force powers until the most dramatic moment possible. Why he had ordered that, Fuchsia had no clue, but it really ticked her off!

Down below, a mansion was sprawled out on a grassy plain, though Melon suspected it to be a cornfield. Melon liked that mansion. when she ruled the world, the first thing she would do was blow it up. It was a much nicer fate than what the rest of the world would have.

It is also fortunate that Melon cannot read the filler text.

"Prepare to fire!" Palpatine screeched. Melon flinched, detesting that awful man. I don't like Palpy-cakes either, but Melon is completely ridiculous with that hatred of hers! No wonder she was a Sith!

The gunners all manned their stations. They reached for the triggers-

And that's when an infinite amount of ships appeared, all shooting at the Imperial ships.

Everyone was knocked off their feet. "What the heck?" a random soldier exclaimed.

Fuchsia huffed. Time for Plan B. "I'm leaving!" she said to Palpy-cakes as she headed for the nearest airlock.

* * *

As Luke rushed at the oncoming sea of enemy soldiers, he couldn't help but admire the way Wolf had brought him and his fellow characters to this universe. Plotting each vortex's arrival time was by no means an easy task, from what Luke saw. It was also fortunate that she had made a chart of the times. Leia and the others had succeeded in bringing an entire Rebel fleet to Earth, which was true miracle. They'd be screwed otherwise!

As he amputated a Death Eater's arms, he remembered that hot redhead who had been guarding them back at the enemy base. Dang, she was hotter than a spicy tamale!

_I heard that thought, you know, _Anakin spoke through the Force to his son.

_So did I, _added Leia.

_Blast! _Luke swore. _Father, didn't you think she was hot?_

_Son, that's just creepy! I'm way too old!_

_Technically, you're the same age as us now._

_Blah! I should ground you again for this._

_Hey, if you force me to eat broccoli again, I'm calling a social worker._

_You little manipulative jerk! You truly are my son! _Just ahead of Luke, Anakin's lightsaber was a blur as it hacked through various enemies.

* * *

The Orcs are stamped around the arsenal with axes in their enormous hands. From their hiding place behind a bunch of crates, Wolf groaned. Clearly her Metamorphmagus skills were not complying with her wishes. Instead of looking like Palpatine, her hair was electric blue and her skin was still tan. "Poop in a hat," the crazy Random Master murmured. "Okay then, I think Plan B is in order."

"Why don't you just start with Plan B in the first place?" Fett snarled. "Your Plan A always fails."

"Well..." Wolf grinned sheepishly. "You see, this Plan B is a bit embarrassing to the parties involved."

"What is your plan?" asked Mara.

"Live bait."

Snape sighed in relief. Finally a good plan! But why would it be- "Hey, wait a minute!"

"I'm glad to see you caught on, Snape-a-doodle!" said Wolf. "And it's the only way. You and Fett can draw the Orcs away from the arsenal, and Mara and I will sneak in underneath an Invisibility Cloak, steal a few weapons, and then we all run like heck out of here. I'm pretty sure we can find a few brooms in the hangar."

"Live bait?" Fett growled. "You're not serious?"

"What do you want me to do?" Snape exclaimed. "Dress in drag and do the hula?"

* * *

Hearing a distinguished pounding, each and every Orc guard twisted around and saw a very peculiar sight as a certain greasy, black-haired man in a grass skirt shouted, "Luau!" while a dark man in green and red armor lay on the ground with an apple jammed in his mouth.

Snape and Fett were livid, but they could not afford to show it. So Snape rapidly sang, "If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meant, eat my buddy Boba here because he is a treat!" Snape saw a faint, shimmering blur that had to be Wolf and Mara heading towards the armory as the ravenous Orcs approached Snape and Fett, the poor guys. "Come on down and dine on this tasty swine! All you gotta do is get in line! Are you achin'?"

"Yup, yup, yup!" Boba howled.

"For some bacon?"

"Yup, yup, yup!"

"He's a big pig!"

"Yup, yup, yup!"

"You can be a big pig too! Oy! " The door of the armory shut. Snape and Boba both dashed to the hangar, their lithe limbs outracing the stubby Orcs.

* * *

Inside the arsenal, Wolf browsed through the weapons while Mara fiddled with her own lightsaber. "Hurry up, Wolf!"

"You can call me Darth Dementia," the crazy lady responded in a crackly voice.

"I- I'm sorry, what?"

"Darth Dementia!" said Wolf...err, Dementia, as she chose a sturdy silver and black lightsaber. She activated the blade, saw its red color, and shut it off and clipped it onto her belt, looking satisfied. "It's the new Sith name they made up for me. I think it'd be ironic if I went by that on occasion."

Mara stared at Wolf. She had not known Wolf for very long, but she could tell Wolf was not entirely...sane. Welcome to the club, sister! We've known that for a long while.

"What's that voice?" Mara questioned. Ah, she was one of the gifted people who can hear me! Bravo!

"That's the voice inside my head, Flow!" Wolf answered. This did not ease Mara's mind or her remaining sanity.

* * *

As Obi-Wan paused to take a breather, he couldn't help but notice a rose lightsaber blade in the war zone. Darth Fuchsia was back. Joy. Time to take out Melon, he guessed.

"This way!" he told the others. Gunfire echoed all around and lightsabers hummed as Obi-Wan and several other Jedi all rushed towards Fuchsia, determined to take the evil twit out. Melon was ready for them, though. She lashed out with a Force shove, pushing everyone into debris. Obi-Wan prayed that she hadn't used the vial of Force energy yet.

"Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots!" Melon hollered as she deflected a blow from Blaze's lightsaber. Blaze coughed a bit as she inhaled smoke but she still had the energy to stick her tongue out at Melon.

"I believe that's Leia's line, actually," retorted Nemesis. Nemesis's jade green lightsaber was out and activated, but only she, Blaze, Obi-Wan, and Anakin remained standing, while the others wailed in pain on the ground.

"So?" said Melon, as she haughtily upturned her nose. She clearly didn't notice many of the other villains getting their tushies whipped by the heroes, because Draco Malfoy, General Grievous, and Saruman were sobbing in pain as Hermione and Eowyn unleashed an onslaught. "Don't any of you understand? I will soon have double the Force powers, and I'll defeat you all and claim my rightful place as queen of this galaxy!"

"Congratulations!" said a very familiar voice from behind her "Would you like a cookie?"

Fuchsia spun around to face her arch enemy. You guessed right, Wolf had arrived. This infuriated Melon to no end. "You!"

"Welcome back, Wolf!" everyone else said.

"Nice to see you have a lightsaber that isn't being held together by duct tape," commented Nemesis.

"This one doesn't require batteries either!" said Wolf as she flourished the crimson blade.

Fuchsia was most certainly not amused. "Wolf!" she screeched as she foamed from the mouth slightly. Obi-Wan finally noticed Melon's violent insanity.

"That's Darth Dementia to you, actually."

"Whatever! You will die!"

"As if that wasn't a cheesy quote," Wolf/Dementia said as she brought up her crimson blade to deflect Fuchsia's rose one.

* * *

In the meantime, Anakin sensed a disturbance in the Force and ducked just in time as Palpatine's lightsaber slashed as where his throat was mere milliseconds before. "Skywalker!"

"Yes, Poopatine?" Anakin replied. Anakin reached for his lightsaber...and grasped air. "Dang!" That had to be the eight-seventh time he had lost his lightsaber! "Help me!" he cried as he dived away from Palpatine's blade.

Help was not immediately forthcoming, and Anakin barely dodged Palpatine's blade. Darth Hideous was laughing his head off- and then a shining sword sliced his back apart, making him shriek in surprise As Palpatine fled, whining in fear, Anakin turned to face his savior, though he was astonished to see Eowyn. "Err...thanks?"

"No problem," said Eowyn, before she marched back into battle. Anakin shook his head. That had been odd.

* * *

The Dementia-Fuchsia duel had moved to the mansion's corridors. Though Wolf no longer had her Force powers, Fuchsia had not yet absorbed them either. Besides that, Fuchsia was a newbie to lightsaber dueling, so Wolf was still able to take her on. Her only hope for winning, though, lay in the mansion's many rooms. After all, every door opened to something vastly different than every other. It was practically a house of horrors, though few knew this from experience.

"I suppose you arrived here in an Animagus form?" Fuchsia said.

Wolf grinned widely. Fuchsia wanted banter? Have it her way. "Why yes? I suppose you're jealous?"

"Of course not!" The pace of the fight was slowly but surely picking up. Wolf aimed a slash at Fuchsia's left arm, but the Sith parried. "I would never want to be a brown lump of feathers."

"I suppose your Animagus form is a female dog, then?" said Wolf as she deflected a flurry of blows. "You know, a crotch-licking suck-up."

Fuchsia shrieked in fury as Wolf kicked open the door to the first room.

Neither of them had been expecting the fifty-foot drop.

As Fuchsia cried out in shock and horror, Wolf gleefully giggled, enjoying the ride. Finally the two landed in a massive ball pit. Wading toward Wolf, Fuchsia raised her lightsaber to strike but halted when Wolf said, "Hold up! I realized what's wrong with your name?"

Though Fuchsia wanted Wolf to die, she couldn't fight off her curiosity. "What?"

"It's an oxymoron! Darth means dark, so you are Dark Fuchsia. But in art, dark is considered shading, so you wouldn't be fuchsia at all but another color entirely!" Fuchsia did not hesitate in bombarding Wolf with her saber, but Wolf managed to block her and continue, "Oxymoron has the word moron in it. Guess what that makes you?"

"Shut up, you mentally challenged psychopath!"

"No way, you overzealous, vengeful d-bag!"

"Idiotic Gryffindor!"

"Angry, murderous, poisonous hag!"

"ADHD-ridden imbecile!"

"Crowd-following zombie sheep!"

"...Nerd!"

Lifting with the Force, Fuchsia launched several of the plastic balls at breakneck speed towards Wolf. The light reflected off them, giving off a rainbow glare. "I see pretty lights, they are blue, green, and orange!" said Wolf as she ducked down and opened a trapdoor. Her, Fuchsia, and the balls spilled out as the vicious duel continued.

* * *

Nemesis grunted as she parried several blows from Darth Maul. Her mind was not focused, though. Instead she was wondering how painful it would be to get tattoos like Maul's. "Was it painful?" she blurted.

Darth Maul shot her a glare but said nothing.

Nemesis sighed as the duel dragged on. "Fine! Be that way! How Palpy beat the happy out of you, I have no clue, but surely you realize he's a big, fat meanie, right?"

Finally Maul spoke, "Yes."

Nemesis wanted to clap. "Wow you spoke a word! it's a new record!"

Someone was being empathetic? This shocked Darth Maul. This time he hesitated to strike Nemesis, and because of he she knocked him unconscious with a blow to the head. "Works every time," she said as she ran off to locate another enemy.

* * *

The next door Wolf and Fuchsia opened led to an African reserve.

Wolf was delighted. "Ooh, I love giraffes!" she said as she pointed to an elephant.

Fuchsia had stopped dueling as well to gape at the wild animals. "Your mansion is ridiculous. Who has stuff like that?" she glanced back at the door, thought she now realized it was actually a portal.

"Who cares?" said Wolf as she shifted her gaze. "Look, a crowd of wild tourists! See as they devour everything in their path! ROAR!"

Looking a little embarrassed, Fuchsia hopped back through the portal. Wolf hesitantly followed. The duel was now fast and furious. Wolf and Fuchsia's blades were hardly visible as they slashed at air, just like Anakin and Obi-Wan during the Mustafar duel. Fuchsia sliced at Wolf's head. Wolf ducked, and-

"AHH!" Fuchsia's blade had gashed a cameraman's chest.

The duel stopped temporarily. Wolf and Fuchsia both looked and felt awkward for a few seconds. Fuchsia pointed at Wolf. "She did it!"

"What?" Their blades locked.

On and on it went, but it just wasn't dramatic enough until they opened their seventeenth door and treaded onto the catwalk on Cloud City, the very same catwalk Luke and Vader had their fateful duel on. Fuchsia had tireless energy from the Force, but Wolf was now tiring. Red Bull and Twizzlers can only get you so far before you crash. She remained determined. Keep thinking positive! The Force was with Fuchsia, but that was about it.

As Fuchsia advanced on Wolf, she seemed to grow bigger and bigger. Or maybe it was fatter and fatter. This made Wolf snicker as she parried every blow and then lashed out with her lightsaber.

Score! The lightsaber landed a mark on Fuchsia's shoulder. Foaming from the mouth and howling with rage, Fuchsia pushed Wolf back further and further until they were at the edge. Wolf shoved Fuchsia's saber to the left, and that was when Fuchsia cut Wolf's right hand off, and the lightsaber fell with it.

The duel ended abruptly as Wolf's hand fell not down the abyss, but onto the catwalk. "Deja vu," said Wolf as she backed away, onto the very edge of the gantry. "That is so gross and it hurts like heck!"

Even Fuchsia grimaced. "Eww."

Even in this agonizing moment, Wolf's mouth did not fail her. "I only have two hands, you know! And how is defeating me going to help your rise to power? You'll need some sort of Sith graduation from apprenticeship before you can challenge Palpy-cakes. It's politics!"

Fuchsia glowered. "Technically, he is not my Master. There was never a formal agreement. Therefore, I am a free agent as well as his equal. I'm pretty sure that gives me the right to overthrow him."

"Your name's Darth Fuchsia, not Darth Semantics! Stop talking in technical terms, it's lame!"

"You're lame!" Fuchsia countered, well, lamely. She reached into her pocket for the phial of Force energy. However, she didn't notice Wolf reach behind to her backpack, which was still safe upon her shoulders.

Fuchsia held up the phial, looking triumphant. "This is the day that good fades to black! Your efforts were all for naught, my enemy! I have taken your power, and once I claim that power, I shall also claim your life!" Fuchsia broke out into laughter. At the same time, Wolf shoved something into her mouth and swallowed before joining in the giggly funfest.

Fuchsia gazed at Wolf in amazement. The girl was literally laughing in the face of death! "What's so funny? Don't you realize what's happening? You're about to face your doom!" she asked, as Wolf's face flushed bright red.

Wolf smiled grimly. "Let me know what that's like, will you?" A vibrant yellow and orange fireball erupted from Wolf's mouth's as the dragon egg carrot cake came into effect. at the same time, Wolf leapt forward, grabbed her lightsaber with her left hand, and swung at Fuchsia's arm. A scorched but still living Fuchsia descended down form one side of the platform, while her hand and the phial of Force energy went down the left.

"I'll be back!" Fuchsia wailed before disappearing from sight. Wolf collapsed to the ground in exhaustion, feeling relieved. She would live to be annoying for another day. Even if it meant giving up her Force powers for good, it was totally worth it.

* * *

"I propose a toast!" said Nemesis as she stood up on her chair and raised her glass of soda in the air. "To our victory, and to Wolf getting another hand!"

"Huzzah!" said the table's other occupants. After their victory, the heroes had first fitted Wolf with a prosthetic hand before heading off to Pizza Hut. Joining them for the first time was Mara Jade. She was sitting next to Luke and chatting amiably.

As usual, Snape and Sirius were arguing about something stupid. Blaze and Tigress (who would be staying for a while) were bugging Anakin, while him and Obi-Wan pigged out on breadsticks. Leia and Han were sharing a pizza, and everyone was having a good time.

Nemesis leaned in towards Wolf. "So is Fuchsia dead?"

Wolf shook her head. "No, just missing a limb and feeling like a loser. I think so, anyways. Orion spotted her fleeing the scene, but then he began getting these dreadful, fiery farts, so I sent him away."

Nemesis snickered. Beside Nemesis, Obi-Wan said, "So no more Force powers?"

"Nope, and I'm glad!" She fiddled with her hair, which was now vivid orange. "More powers, more problems, in my opinion."

"No doubt we'll be seeing your powers again, though," said Obi-Wan thoughtfully.

"Yeah, that's how it happens in every good movie," added Tigress.

Wolf rolled her eyes as she munched on a slice of pepperoni. One thing was for sure: It was good not being an evil douche bag like Fuchsia was.

That would suck!

* * *

**FINALLY! That was over eight thousand words, so it took me a while to type. Anyways, what did you think? My updates may take more time but they will be longer in length!**

**Five points to whoever says their favorite quote from this chapter! Ten points to anyone who states their favorite OC of mine and why!**

**The House Cup**

Gryffindor: 237 points

Ravenclaw: 187 points

Jedi Order: 143 points

Hufflepuff: 58 points

Slytherin: 57 points

Sith Order: 8 points


	31. The Dark Mart

**I have recently developed a sock fetish...They're so cool! You just have to mismatch them, and life is awesome! Anyways...this chapter was inspired by several things, mainly a trip to Wal-Mart and a bike accident I had exactly one year ago. I have survived to see another year! It's a true miracle! Now onto the soup and crackers!**

**I went back in the story and changed Wolf's Animagus form from a hawk to a barn owl...for hopefully obvious reasons. And no, this is not another _Harry Potter _reference.**

**Disclaimer: The author does not own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Peter Pan, Star Trek, Mean Girls, Oliver and Company, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Blue's Clues, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, **_**Chips Ahoy**_**, **_**Wal-Mart, Darth Fiddler, Ben and Jerry's, Midol, Diet Coke, Alan Rickman, Big Wheel, Mario Kart, Wii, Skittles, Wii Sports, Nemesis, Blaze, Tigress, or any of the songs or music artists mentioned in this story.**

**Also, if you work at Wal-Mart, do not take offense! I don't hate the place, nor do I adore it.**

**Chapter Thirty-One: The Dark Mart**

**

* * *

**

"...and in other news," said the TV anchorwoman. "there have been new developments in the 2012 theory-"

"Lame," said Luke as he flipped the channel. On and on went his channel chasing, while Anakin made paper airplanes, Han/Indy plotted a course on a map, Nemesis snickered about something as she devoured a slice of rhubarb pie, Frodo was muttering to a cheeseburger, Boba Fett polished his blaster, and Sirius massaged his own feet. Beside Luke, Mara bristled and glared at Anakin. Three days ago, Luke had broken the big news to his father: he was dating Mara...and Anakin had _not _been very cheery about it.

* * *

_Days before..._

"You're dating _Mara Jade?" _Anakin exclaimed incredulously.

"Well...yeah," said Luke, shrugging. "She may be a former Imperial, but so were you!"

"But she's an assassin!"

"...Isn't that like you calling Han a cocky d-bag?"

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Anakin rose up to his full height. Luke gulped. There is a reason everyone was popping bricks at the sight of Darth Vader...he was _humongous. _Sure, he was Anakin Skywalker again, but traces of Darth Vader still lingered.

Luke was not pooping bricks, for that was physically impossible. But hey, this is a story, so let's make him poop bricks!

Anakin gaped as a brick plopped out of Luke's pants sleeve. "Dang it, why does everyone do that!"

* * *

Now a humiliated Luke was avoiding his father and despising yours truly, just because I forced him to poop bricks, the little bugger.

In her armchair, Nemesis repeatedly glanced worriedly out the window. Since the Darth Fuchsia Incident, Nemesis had ordered Wolf to have a guard with her at all times. Wolf had argued that her mom would be ticked if Boba Fett and Severus Snape were sitting at her kitchen table. Not wanting to disturb the wrath that is Wolf's mom, Nemesis agreed to make Wolf have a guard with her while at the mansion.

Not as if that guard was needed. Shortly after the battle, Palpatine had, presumably to assist Fuchsia with her marred face. None of the other villains had much of an issue with Wolf, so she was left alone.

And now the heroes were bored out of their minds without some idiots to annoy. If only-

BANG! The door burst open and someone attired in an old-fashioned red coat and hat with a lavender feather attatched entered. A saber was sheathed on their right side. "PIRATE!" shrieked Anakin as he hid behind the sofa.

Nemesis, on the other hand, peered closer. "Wolf, I know it's you."

"I need to talk to you," said Wolf as she nudged her hat up with her left hand. "NOW!" And she held up a hook hand.

"Okay, Captain Hook...You look more hilarious than Darth Vader playing a fiddle."

"Thank you," replied Wolf as she leapt onto the couch. "Okay everybody, listen up! Today is July fourteenth. In celebration-"

"What's so special about July fourteenth?" questioned Boba Fett. "And if this involves another attack, I'm not assisting. You still owe me money for helping you escape Palpatine's base!"

"I did pay you!" Wolf insisted.

"No, you gave me a pack of Chips Ahoy and a banana."

"That's pay enough! I don't have billions of dollars to hand out freely! What am I, a pirate?"

Boba Fett decided against answering that.

"Anyways," continued Wolf. "July fourteenth is a special day because it's the one-year anniversary of my most lethal near-death experience. In other words, I want to celebrate me not dying since. It sounds stupid, but...never mind. We are going to Wal-Mart!"

The reaction was instantaneous. Nemesis gagged on pie crust, Sirius cried out in alarm, and Luke hid behind Mara. _"Wal-Mart?" _said Frodo questioningly. "What's that?"

Inhaling deeply, Sirius explained, "Wal-Mart is a corporation of department stores...for some reason, many people believe it to be an evil place filled with darkness and monsters. I don't know why they say that."

"You will soon enough," Wolf murmured, grinning maniacally. "Shall we be off?"

* * *

_How come you guys always leave me behind when you're about to have some fun? This is no fair! _Orion complained as the mansion's other occupants piled onto the bus.

"Uh, hello? You're a dragon!" shouted Hermione. "How much more noticeable can you get?"

_Yoda and Chewbacca are going, and Fett isn't taking off his armor!_

Wolf shrugged. Her hat and coat were off now, but the hook remained. "Suck it up, I guess." Hopping onto the bus, Wolf noted everyone present: Anakin, Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han/Indy, Leia, Mara, Boba Fett, Yoda, Chewbacca, Mace, and Qui-Gon from _Star Wars; _Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Luna, Ginny, and Neville from _Harry Potter; _Aragorn, Eowyn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin from _Lord of the Rings; _and Nemesis, Blaze, and Tigress. Wolf clapped her hand and hook together. "Okay, everyone, I'll meet you there!"

"Hang on!" said Nemesis. "If you're even thinking of flying there-"

"Which I am," interjected Wolf.

"Then at least I need to go with you!"

Wolf smacked her forehead. Unfortunately, she smacked it with her hook instead of her real hand. As a result, she stumbled backwards, toppling down the bus steps and onto the sidewalk. Nemesis helped her up. "Fine," agreed Wolf, still dizzy. She shook her head clear. "Orange Juice, away!" she cried as she hopped into the air and shifted into a barn owl form. Nemesis followed her, morphing into a raven.

From his position as bus driver, Anakin said, "She named her Animagus form _Orange Juice?"_

"Expect something else, did you?" responded Yoda, smirking. "Remember, you must, that this is Wolf you speak of."

"I like orange juice, though!" shouted Tigress.

"Yeah!" added Blaze. "It makes the soul go 'yum!'"

Anakin sighed. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

At first sight, Aragorn didn't think much of Wal-Mart. Blaze and Tigress had been comparing it to Mordor during the bus ride, but Aragorn merely scoffed. Surely it couldn't be that horrid!

Walking down the aisles of the bicycles, Aragorn wondered what kind of accident Wolf had had. She had made it sound like something nasty, even worse than the loss of her hand. But that couldn't possibly be right! Aragorn knew he would've seen far, far worse out on the battlefield.

Beside him, Mace Windu and Yoda read out the prices. "Seem cheap, these do," said Yoda.

"They do," agreed Aragorn. "Shall we go for a test ride?"

* * *

Though life went on normally on the ground of Wal-Mart, few noticed what was going on in the air.

_Nemesis, _Wolf, also known as Orange Juice, hooted to the other half of the Duo of DOOM as they soared past aisles of hardwares.

_Is this another riddle for me? _replied Nemesis...err, Trickster.

_Yes! What do you get when you give a rhino a toilet?_

_I don't know. What?_

_...Endangered feces!_

Trickster's caw was easily translated to a groan of exasperation. _Wolf..._

_You mean Orange Juice._

_Whatever. Want to dive bomb the innocent pedestrians?_

_You bet your butt I do!_

Cawing and hooting insanely, raven and owl soared downward and into the housewares section, pecking furiously at whatever was in their path. Promptly after poking someone's head, they hovered in midair and bothered whoever it was.

And then the pair realized they were pecking Count Dooku.

"Off! Off, you stupid lumps of feathers!" cried the Count, shooing the birds away. Shocked, Orange Juice and Trickster complied, touching down four aisles away. Transforming back into their human selves, Nemesis whispered, "The villains are hiding out in Wal-Mart?"

"Apparently," said Wolf.

"...Well that's just great. Tell me, do they still have sandwiches here?"

* * *

On occasion, even Sith Lords and Death Eaters run out of the necessities. On these occasions, that is when they go to Wal-Mart. Palpatine was watching over his apprentice's plastic surgery, so he insisted Voldemort went instead. This sucked! He had been bedazzling his robes when Palpatine had called in. A favor, he said. Just bring back some Midol and a Diet Coke plus whatever else Lord Voldemort needed.

Despite the suckiness of the situation, Voldemort had to snicker at what Wolf did to Darth Fuchsia's face. Honestly, he didn't like Fuchsia either. The girl was _far _too vain, in his opinion. And hypocritical! Good thing Voldemort was neither.

Beside him, Snape sulked...as usual. Count Dooku and Saruman had gone off somewhere, so Voldemort had forced his only Death Eater present to remain with him.

"Snape!" spoke the Dark Lord of Absolutely Nothing But everyone Calls Him Lord Anyways. "I believe that is one of those infernal Jedi up ahead!" Snape glanced up. Indeed, Anakin Skywalker stood oblivious as he examined a TV dinner. "Let's attack him!"

Voldemort snuck forward, unaware of Snape holding back. Pulling out his wand, he pointed it at the Jedi and-

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!"_

Screeching in alarm, Anakin rolled to one side and activated his lightsaber, deflecting several curses before fleeing, for reinforcements, waving his lightsaber like the madman he truly was.

A few seconds later, Voldemort heard a scream of horror.

* * *

Eowyn glared at Anakin before pointing at the lightsaber slashes where her head had just been. "You nearly killed me!"

"Err...uhh..." Anakin stammered. "Sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry doesn't cover it!" Oh snap, Eowyn was _ticked! _And the last thing anyone wants to face is an irked lady. "Honestly, you Jedi can be real meatheads sometimes!"

"At least I'm not a suicidal transvestite!" Anakin hollered, glaring at Eowyn.

Lightsaber and sword were unsheathed. Dark and light eyes leered. Jedi and Rider were prepared to beat the snot out of each other. They raised their swords-

"Break it up!" cried a voice. Anakin and Eowyn spun to face Harry, who had spoken. Beside him were Luke, Merry, and Blaze, who was shooting an icy glare at Eowyn for threatening her precious Anakin. Sheesh. "Honestly, you two! What's gotten into you?"

Anakin walked off with Luke and Blaze, Eowyn with Merry. The animosity had begun.

* * *

Having escaped Voldemort, Snape browsed through the DVDs, attempting to discern their meaning judging by the titles and covers. _Mean Girls, Oliver and Company, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles..._he shook his head. The ideas people came up with just to make money!

"Ah!" said a voice behind him. Shifting his gaze, Snape found himself facing a salesclerk. "You must be here for the promotion!"

Snape raised one thin eyebrow. "What promotion?"

"The promotion for _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!" _Here the salesclerk jabbed a finger at a poster. Upon close inspection, Snape was astonished to find himself, Potter, Dumbledore, and Draco Malfoy on it. "The special edition is being released today! I have to say, you look quite a bit like Alan Rickman...and there's Harry too!"

Snape looked up just in time to see Harry Potter freeze in his tracks, gaping like a fish at the poster. Snape just rolled his eyes. "I...Dang it! even when my world doesn't exist, I'm still famous!" Harry said woefully.

* * *

Unsuspecting customers browsed through toys, thinking themselves safe and secure instead the department store of evil. They did not know who or what was coming...

"Bwuahahaha!" cackled a deep, matured vice. Citizens screamed at the top of their lungs as Aragorn and Mace hurtled towards them on mountain bikes, while Yoda followed them on a Big Wheel.

"Hey there, Eowyn!" Aragorn called out to the cross dressing Rider of Rohan. Not that the cross dressing in her case was a bad thing, of course.

Eowyn, Merry, and Pippin were now playing Mario Kart on a Wii. From this experience, one could learn that Eowyn had serious road rage. Every time Merry and Pippin threw an item at her, she would punch them in the face. The pair were already sporting several bruises.

"Is there a problem here?" questioned Aragorn.

Shying away from Eowyn, Merry whispered into Aragorn's ear, "Eowyn's really ticked at Anakin. He didn't even do anything!"

Unfortunately for Merry, Eowyn overheard him. "He nearly decapitated me! Anakin Skywalker is a...a...a total _butt hole!" _Eowyn whipped her Wii remote at the television; it smacked into the screen, leaving a gaping hole. Unsheathing her sword, Eowyn hacked at the TV with all she had.

Finishing, Eowyn paused to take a breather. Everyone gaped at the obliterated merchandise, for not a scrap was recognizable. "Flee the scene, we should," advised Yoda. No one dared disobey.

* * *

Voldemort perused his list, searching for what he was looking for. "Shaving cream...Midol...Diet Coke..." And that's when he stopped dead in front of an enormous sign that read "Pets."

"When did Wal-Mart get a pet section?" questioned Voldemort. Despite the mysteriousness shrouding the new section, Voldemort was intrigued. Nagini did not count as a pet, she was merely a Horcrux. Plus, companionship could make him seem out to be a big old softie. Then, once he was past their defenses, he could strike! And maybe he would catch Potter!

Well...face it, Voldy is predictable with his goals. He just doesn't give up! Striding down the aisles, Voldemort debated which animal. Snakes were stereotyped as evil far too much for that to work. Dogs were slobbery and dumb. Nagini would immediately eat a hamster, and fish were useless.

Finally, Voldemort reached the cats, realizing that he had found his item of interest. A cat would be perfect! Voldemort walked up to a man in one of the worker vests. "Hello, I'd like to purchase a cat." Did that sound civilized enough to pass as a perfectly normal citizen of America, and not a Dark wizard from Britain?

The salesman nodded, only glancing once at Voldemort's hairless head, papery skin, and lack of nose. "Okay, a cat it is," he said, bored. As he opened the cages, the cats scampered away from the doors, hissing.

Frowning in frustration, Voldemort pointed at a black cat. "I'll take that one!"

The salesman obliged, taking the cat by the scruff and yanking it by force out of its cage. The cat resisted fervently, but all efforts were futile. Voldemort took the cat and held it in front of him. At that moment, the cat lunged forward and scratched furiously at his face. It only fazed Voldemort for a few seconds, but he was impressed. "You're a feisty one!" he spoke to the cat. Faintly alarmed, the salesman backed away and headed to the register. "You won't take crap from anyone, and Lord Voldemort like that! You also remind me of an enemy..." The cat blinked its green eyes, glowering at the so-called Dark Lord. "I shall name you...Harry!"

Harry the Cat hissed softly as Voldemort carried him away.

* * *

All was silent in the candy aisles. Nemesis and Wolf heaved a sigh of relief as they sprinted in there, prepared for some plotting against evil dunderheads. Wolf looked at the bubblegum for a minute or so, but then Nemesis pointed up and exclaimed, "It's an owl!"

Wolf's head twisted as she looked at the owl, a letter in its talons. "MAIL TIME! Here's the mail, it never fails! Makes me wanna wag my tail! when it comes I wanna wail: MAAAAAAAAIL!" As she opened her eyes again, she did not spot the owl.

She glared at Nemesis, demanding an exclamation. Nemesis simply said, "Never sing again. It's going that way!"

The duo dogged the owl, determined the get the letter. As the owl dived downward, the two cried out in triumph. Expecting to see normal customers paying for their purchases, Wolf and Nemesis turned the corner.

What they saw was far from that.

Voldemort (who had a black cat underneath his left arm), and Harry were dueling, with neither one landing any hits. A poster above the aisles of DVDs and CDs, advertising for _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, _was now hole-ridden_. _In one aisle, Yoda, Mace, and Aragorn were singing "Handlebars" as they rode their mountain bikes and Big Wheel, while Eowyn and Anakin dueled, occasionally hurling CDs like ninja stars. In the midst of it all, the owl had vanished, but a salesclerk cowered beneath the counters.

Wolf and Nemesis immediately sprung into battle with a war cry of "CHICKEN!" While Nemesis charged Voldy, Wolf darted towards Aragorn, Mace, and Yoda. "Get off the bikes!"

"What?" said Aragorn as his head snapped out, which was a fatal mistake. He leaned on the wrong handbrake, causing the bike to flip.

All fighting temporarily halted as everyone hissed in sympathy. "My shin!" Aragorn wailed, rocking himself back and forth. Harry the Cat squirmed in Voldy's grip.

"Suck it up," said Wolf as she held out a helping hand...err, hook.

Aragorn refused to take said hand. "What do _you _know about pain, you jerk?"

Wolf shot him an incredulous look. "Uhh, hello?" she bellowed, holding up her hook hand. "And I fell off a bike last year."

"Oh yeah? Did you break your freaking ankle?"

"No..." Wolf trailed off. "But I broke my wrist and two vertebrae in my neck, received a deep puncture wound in my forehead, have a piece of flesh ripped from my arm, went temporarily blind in one eye, got whiplash, and had a massive concussion."

No one responded. While Wolf was listing her medical junk off, Anakin had snuck away, pulling out his comlink. "Luke?" he murmured.

There was a slight pause. "What do you want?" Luke buzzed.

"Well, I need you to fetch several pints of Ben and Jerry's."

"Excuse me?"

"That's what we came here for! And considering how some psychotic cross dresser wants to kill me, I'd like to leave as soon as possible!"

"Fine!" the comlink went offline as the fighting resumed. No one noticed the raven and owl leaving the scene.

* * *

Luke huffed in the checkout line. Beside him, Mara's hand kept twitching down to her lightsaber. "The chick ahead of us is taking too long!" complained Mara. "Can we dispose of her?"

"What? NO! Mara, that's Palpy-cakes talking!"

"Fine!" she twitched impatiently. "But seriously, this is taking much longer than normal! if the ice cream melts, then everyone dies, and then we'll need to plan a funeral instead of watch those movies!"

Ahead of them, a teenage girl bickered with the cashier. "No! I need these Skittles! They make me taste the rainbow, and it feels _goooood."_

"You don't have the money for it!"

"Then put them on layaway or something!"

"You can't put Skittle son layaway!"

"You LIE!"

"Besides, even if you could put them on layaway, you wouldn't be allowed to eat them until you paid it all off!"

"FINE! Be that way!" She ripped open one of the Skittles bags. Whipping Skittles at patrons, she howled, "TASTE THE RAINBOW, JERKS!"

"Security!" the cashier yelled into a walkie talkie. At that point Luke and Mara decided to switch pay lines.

* * *

Wolf and Nemesis were not helping the situation. As a matter of fact, they were really playing Wii Tennis with Snape and Obi-Wan. Wolf, however, was having much difficulty, as she was playing left-handed and kept swiping at Obi-Wan's head with her hook on accident. "Sorry!" she cried, as the hook narrowly missed Snape's greasy locks.

Oddly enough, Snape was winning. But we won't question that.

* * *

Eventually, Voldemort and Harry had to pause for breath, while Eowyn ended up chasing Anakin around the store and screaming about pumpkins and popsicle sticks. Voldemort tucked a squirming Harry the Cat underneath his arm, panting. "You almost incinerated Harry!"

"What are you talking about?" inquired Aragorn. "_He's _Harry!"

"No, no him!" said Voldemort, shaking his head vigorously. "My cat!"

Harry blinked owlishly. "You named your cat after me? And...you got a cat in the first place? Has the world gone made?"

"I can kind of see Voldy here getting a cat, actually," said Aragorn impishly.

"I named my cat Harry because its main hobby is annoying me," said Voldemort darkly. "Then again, I don't plan on murdering my cat like I do you..."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that last part, Voldy," Harry muttered.

At that moment, Anakin ducked back beside Harry and heaved a great sigh of relief. "I shook off Eowyn," he explained to the bamboozled others. "It took me forty minutes, an egg beater, and an HDTV, but I did it. Now where in the blazes is-"

"Father!" a voice called gruffly. Luke and Mara strode up to them, with Luke waving a plastic bag in the air. "I bought the ice cream."

'Halleluiah!" cried everyone except Voldemort, gleeful.

"What was that?" said Wolf as her head popped around the corner.

"I bought your ruddy ice cream," said Luke.

Wolf moaned. "You're kidding me, right? I already ate two pints!"

Everyone gaped. "WHAT?"

Anakin particularly was livid. "I have a psycho lady on my tail because of all this and you're telling me our troubles were meaningless?"

"Well, yes, actually. Let us leave!" She brandished her hook hand. "NOW."

* * *

**It seems like an odd ending, but it's ending there. Oh, the horror!**

**Special thanks to AngelIre for your review! It was one of the best I've ever had.**

**Five points goes to whoever can tell me the airspeed of an unladen swallow! Ten points goes to whoever guesses my inspiration for Voldemort buying a cat!**

**The House Cup**

Gryffindor: 301 points (Dang...)

Ravenclaw: 220 points

Jedi Order: 209 points

Slytherin: 74 points (You'd think the Slytherins would have a lot more points! Come on, guys, you can do it!)

Hufflepuff: 58 points

Sith Order: 8 points


	32. Criminal Carnival

**Ugh...I hate this Writer's Block. In times like these I could really use some Red Vines...Thank you for all of the reviews once again! Did anyone watch A Very Potter Sequel yet? It's totally awesome!**

**Most of you answered about the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, yet not a single person guessed my inspiration for Voldy getting a cat. I can't blame you, though. It was a trick question: there is no inspiration for it.**

**Disclaimer: This crazy authoress does not own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, A Very Potter Sequel, Spongebob Squarepants, Lilo and Stitch, Wicked, Alice in Wonderland, Pirates of the Caribbean, Phineas and Ferb, The Princess Bride, **_**Juicy Juice, Red Vines, Chuck E. Cheese, Skillet, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carrie Underwood, or any of the songs in this story.**

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Criminal Carnival**

**

* * *

**

The sky was bright, beautiful, and laden with fluffy white clouds...well, it was except for above a certain area that was formerly a cornfield. Instead there was now a mansion, and in that mansion in a certain room in the basement were three villains sitting around a dusty gray table, awaiting the arrival of an associate.

"What is taking him so long?" cried Sauron, pounding his fists on the table.

Palpatine shrugged, equally disgruntled. "He must have some sort of reason for arriving late."

"I thought this...alien was dead?" hissed Voldemort. He was sipping a box of Juicy Juice and stroking Harry the Cat's soft fur. The cat purred, shooting a shifty look at Sauron. Sauron glared back, though the cat could not possibly see this. He was a mindless animal, after all. Harry the Cat held his gaze for a few moments before jumping off Voldy's lap and stalking away.

"I thought he was deceased as well," replied Palpatine. "But he somehow survived. He called me last week, proposing a deal. I have no idea what he- ah, there you are!"

The door swished open and a tall, masculine, and creepy humanoid figure strode in. His skin was flawless, his topknot was combed, and his face was impassive: Prince Xizor had arrived.

He did not waste time. "I want Skywalker dead."

"Which one?" queried Palpatine perkily. Finally, someone who shared his motives!

Xizor's expression did not change. "Luke Skywalker must die if all is to go according to plan."

Sauron sneered. "And what would that plan be that- _Oh my word!" _From behind him, Sauron heard a snap and leaped out of the way just in time to avoid several hanging lamps from crashing onto his head. He slammed into the ground and caught a glimpse of chewed wires and a smug pair of green eyes before he cried out in pain and screamed, "Your bloody cat nearly killed me, Voldemort! I'M IN A RAGE!"

"Don't you dare threaten my Harry!" Voldemort exclaimed, collecting his cat into his thin, pallid arms.

"I will threaten anything that challenges me, and I'm telling you that that cat is evil!"

Voldemort looked affronted. "Evil? But that'd be good, right?"

While Voldy and Sauron argued about a cat's allegiances, Palpy-cakes and Xizor discussed serious matters. "How shall we continue with these plans?"

"They are going to a carnival today," said Xizor. "I need your minions to distract the others while I carry out with the plot."

"I see. Is there anything else you want?"

Xizor's eyebrows drew in and the Falleen's skin became a violent shade of red. "No. I merely have to sort out some personal issues with the Skywalkers..."

Harry the Cat meowed.

* * *

_This SUCKS! _Orion wailed as Wolf, her hair electric blue today, and the others all piled onto the bus. _You're leaving me here again!_

"Oh yes, because a purple dragon is certainly something you see everyday," Wolf replied snarkily as she climbed aboard. "Besides, I need you to hold down the fort for us."

_Hum...whatever you say._

"That's the spirit! And I think- OOMPH!" Not looking before she leaped, Wolf collided into Anakin, sending the two sprawling. "Sorry, Anakin!" She groaned as she saw the mess they had created. Pens, keys, cans of frosting, owl pellets, and a suspicious-looking pair of handcuffs were scattered across the asphalt.

Quickly, Wolf and Anakin attempted to sort out their belongings. "Here...I think this stuff is yours," said Anakin, handing Wolf the handcuffs, a purple pen, and the owl pellets. Wolf nodded her thanks and passed Anakin the can of frosting.

A few minutes later, Wolf finally took a seat beside Nemesis and did roll call. Again, everyone was present. "Take it away, Ani Bo Bani!"

Anakin grunted at the old nickname but complied, igniting the bus's engine and revving. Luke and Mara were in the backseat, and he couldn't help but glance back there on occasion. The idea of his son dating Mara Jade still did not sit well with him. On top of that, his daughter was dating a man with an identity crisis, he was hated by a suicidal transvestite, and he was enemies with a Sith Lord. Could this get any worse?

Yes. Yes it could.

* * *

Harry gaped at the sight before him as he exited the rusty bus. He had never seen a carnival before since the Dursleys were total d-bags, but this was totally awesome! Knowing this crowd, though, Harry realized Wolf or some random villain would cause havoc and create a rain of chaos, but he could enjoy it while it lasted at least. Ah, was there a greater way to celebrate one's birthday?

Catching Snape's eye, he remembered that several people still detested him, and his bubble was burst.

* * *

About an hour later, Nemesis waited in a lemonade stand's queue, craving one of the sour drinks herself. In front of her was a gelatinous man dressed in a tank top, Hawaiian swim shorts, and sunglasses. He reminded her of the guy from _Lilo and Stitch _that always dropped his ice cream.

Sighing, she glanced around, taking in her surroundings. Wolf had gone off, saying she had unfinished business with two thickheaded morons who probably couldn't tell rice pudding from tapioca. Who the two thickheaded morons were, Nemesis could only guess.

It was then that Nemesis looked back and noticed a man standing behind her. At least, he was possibly be a man. He looked more like a frog with a ponytail to her.

Xizor huffed in the lemonade line-look, an alliteration!- as the mental gears within his shadowed brain whirled. His alien guise did not aid his cause...perhaps a temporary human companion would assist? Glancing around, eh only spotted the human female in front of him. Activating his Falleen pheromones, he started up with a pick-up line. "Where have you been all my life?"

The female shot him a scathing look. "Hiding from you."

Xizor frowned. This wasn't right! Females were supposed to succumb to his pheromones, not act like absolute smart alecks! "Are you sure about that?"

The chubby man in front of the two moved aside while the blond female stepped up to the counter. "Excuse me, can I have one of those lemons?"

Xizor rolled his eyes. Well, even if she was eccentric he could still fool her. "I do like girl that are strange and unusual."

Despite being dazed and confused by this twist, the man in the stand complied, handing the female a lemon. She grinned. "Really? I like my guys sour and violent." And that's when Nemesis squeezed the lemon into Xizor's eyes.

"AIIEEE!" shrieked Xizor, rubbing his eyes frantically and fleeing.

"Lose the topknot, Princess Scissors or whatever your name is!" Nemesis cried. She smiled darkly and sipped lemonade. All in a day's work.

* * *

Not too far away, Harry Potter was also sipping lemonade alongside Luke and Mara, while Hermione and Ron went on the Tilt-a-Whirl. Luke and Mara were both sharing a funnel cake. It was quite fortunate that Luke and Mara weren't the mushy type, or else Harry would probably be vomiting. Come to think of it, Harry had vomited a lot recently. But that had to be coincidence.

And speaking of vomiting, Severus Snape was walking past, if you could call it that. It looked more like billowing to Harry. He snorted. Unfortunately for Harry, Snape heard this. And even more unfortunately, Luke and Mara had vanished, probably to go on rides and have Luke vomit. In other words, two people who absolutely hated each other were being left alone with only a cup of lemonade for company. Oh joy. "Do you have a problem, Potter?"

Harry glowered at the Potions Master. "You mean besides the one in front of me?"

"No, I was thinking more of your arrogant attitude."

"Oh, come on, Snape! Just for once can't you stop being an uptight idiot?"

Snape's glare intensified. "I'm an idiot, Potter? Right now _your_ three remaining brain cells are dueling in your head. One is strangling the other despite the knife in its own gut, and the third is committing suicide."

"Yeah, well-"

"I can't believe you two!" cried out a new voice. Spinning, Harry and Snape found themselves facing a certain blue haired lunatic, also known as Wolf. Her licorice whip lay in her right hand and her other hand was out of sight. Her hook hand was clipped onto a belt. "Are you really so thick that you must insult each other every thirty-seven minutes?"

"Well...yes," answered Snape.

Wolf groaned. "Obviously you won't learn from words. By the way, you two remind me of Elphaba and Glinda from _Wicked."_

Intrigued, Harry asked, "In what way?"

"Well," said Wolf as she inched closer. "both you and Snape despise each other at first sight, with at least one person hating the other for some part of their appearance. In other words, _loathing!" _Wolf's singing voice had improved somewhat over the past months, but she still wasn't pleasant. _"Unadulterated loathing! For your-"_

"Shut your demented mouth!" bellowed Snape.

"You shut yours, Snape!" Harry shot back.

Snape loomed over Harry. Blimey, the man was tall. The two could feel a sense of foreboding, but ignored it. "Are you making threats, Potter? I can assure you that you will fail. You're just like your father: arrogant, foolish, and-"

_Click._

Snape halted in his speech and gazed downward along with Harry. After overcoming their shock and horror, the two screamed and held up their handcuffed wrists. Next to them, Wolf slowly back away, sighing. "You two clearly don't learn from words, so it's about time you learned from experience...right?"

"YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Harry screeched. In the meantime, Snape yanked out his wand and aimed it at the cuffs. _"Reducto!" _

Nothing happened. Wolf smirked at them. "The cuffs are protected against all Force attacks, lightsabers, everything...and since it turns out your magic is actually Force powers, you're stuck with each other until you come to _an epiphany!"_ Wolf spoke the last two words with a deep, echoing voice. It was incredibly creepy.

"I know that it's creepy! That was the point!" hollered Wolf as she sprinted away, ducking behind a cotton candy stand and donning an Invisibility Cloak. Eh, whatever.

Harry and Snape moaned in bother. "Since Wolf is not going to release us from this imprisonment until we get along, what shall we do?" questioned Harry.

Snape just shut his eyes and prayed for the end. Shrugging, Harry simply said, "Let's go on some rides." The future didn't look so pleasant...

* * *

For the third time, Obi-Wan stomped his foot in vexation as he failed epically at one of the carnival games. This was dragon poo!

Beside him, Anakin handed a snow cone to Obi-Wan. "It's okay, Master. We all fail on occasion."

Obi-Wan snorted. Oh yes, Anakin failed often.

"Hey! Master, I heard that thought! I'm not a failure! " cried an indignant Anakin.

"Are you kidding?" said Mace, chuckling as he trotted up, Yoda slung over his shoulders and a bagged goldfish in one hand. "You screwed something up at the Temple every week!"

"Right, Mace is!" chimed in Yoda.

"And not to mention everyone that's angry with you right now," said Obi-Wan, rubbing his beard thoughtfully. "What exactly did you do to Eowyn, anyways?"

Blaze also skipped towards them, a huge, lumpy bag of cotton candy in her hands. Anakin did not notice her. "Oh, I nearly sliced her head off with a lightsaber. She didn't take that very well."

Obi-Wan was horrified. "You're kidding me!"

"Nope. I nearly killed her," replied Anakin indifferently.

"No, not that! You actually didn't lose your lightsaber for once!" said Obi-Wan.

"Well, what does that have to- HEY!"

Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Mace all cracked up laughing, while Blaze seethed. "Anakin...is Eowyn trying to kill you?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"I'm going to murder that freaking shield maiden!" Blaze howled, igniting her silver lightsaber and darting off towards the rides.

Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Mace gaped at the trail of smoke Blaze had left behind. Yoda shook his head. "End well, this day will not."

* * *

Though Eowyn and Aragorn thought the games were a bit dumb, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were ecstatic. "Games!" Merry and Pippin had cried.

"Cheeseburger!" Frodo had exclaimed, pointing at a stuffed cheeseburger.

"PO-TA-TOES!" Sam had shouted randomly. "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!"

From behind a trash can, Gollum snarled, "Stupid fat hobbit can keep his nasty chips."

Saruman and Count Dooku nodded in agreement while Sauron pulled out the ambush plans. "We'll attack in a few minutes, as soon as the other strike teams give the signal."

Back with the heroes, Eowyn observed as the others all stood around a rotating table and made bets on different colored holes. The attendant nodded once everyone finished and dropped a mouse onto a table before giving it a whirl. Confused, the mouse scampered from the middle and ducked into the crimson hole. "Winner!" cried the attendant, handing Pippin the stuffed cheeseburger while an envious Frodo huffed. Everything was going fi-

"DIE, EOWYN!" roared Blaze in fury as she flung herself at Eowyn. Eowyn barely managed to bring up her sword in time. Several men shrieked in terror while more innocent bystanders gathered around, only to jump aside as Eowyn and Blaze stepped towards them, their silver blades a blur. Yep, everything sure was going fine!

Sauron and the strike team were astonished by the duel. What had set Blaze off? "Well," Sauron finally spoke. "We should be-"

"RAH RAH AH, AH, AH! ROMA RO MA MA! GA, GA, OOH LA LA! I WANT YOUR ROMANCE!" Sauron winced in pain at Voldemort's battle cry. Oh, how he despised that song!

"Come on, fools!" he said to the others as they all flourished their weapons.

* * *

In the distance, Harry and Snape were not having a delightful time one bit. After the danger had passed (somewhat), Wolf had removed her Invisibility Cloak and was herding the pair towards various rides, and a light in her eyes that said, "Well, at least you can't hurt me here!"

As Wolf shepherded them onto the Scrambler, Harry grimaced, a sick feeling in his stomach. He had never ridden anything like this peculiar contraption before, and though he never got motion sickness on a broom, this may be a different story. He grinned cheekily at Snape. "Bet you'll be sicking up, huh, Snape?"

Snape glared icy daggers at Harry. The overall effect was quite hysterical, I'll admit.

"Shut it!" At this point Snape shifted his glare to Wolf, the origin of the voice. She was sitting in the car adjacent to theirs, smiling and waving periodically, as if her, Snape, and Harry were one happy family. The mere thought made Snape want to vomit.

He felt Harry stir beside him, and glanced at the brat - only to discover he was nibbling on a gigantic chocolate bar. "You still have that thing?"

Harry nodded. "Yep. I'm hungry after all, and it's not like I'm going to throw up on this RIIIIIDDDEEE!"

The conductor had chosen that moment to start the ride, and the two wizards both felt their stomachs lurch. Wolf, on the other hand, was shrieking in jubilation and singing along to the music playing...which just so happened to be "Hungry Like the Wolf" of all things.

Harry gulped as the ride gave them another whirl. Oh Merlin, he was going to vomit! And he did indeed vomit.

Right on Snape's shoes.

The Potions Master swallowed his fury, counting to ten in his head. The calming techniques did not work, and Snape found himself lunging for Harry to throttle the imbecile as the ride came to a halt.

Wolf immediately undid her restraints (How she knew to undo them all without the key, no one knows) and hopped towards their cart, prying the two apart as they attempted to murder each other. "Break it up! she cried, pulling the two by the ears towards a sheltered area near the tents. "Honestly, you two need to _chill out!" _Wolf was clenching her fists now. "I'm sick of all the enmity around here! I deal with it enough at school, movie theaters, Chuck E. Cheese, and even home! Between the two of you, Draco, Anakin, Eowyn, and all of the other idiots who can't tell a raven from a writing desk...you generate enough hate to terrify Nazis!"

Snape's face was stony as ever, but Harry looked uncomfortable, fidgeting with his handcuffs and twitching. Not only did Wolf look vicious, but her hair was morphing from the carefree electric blue to a fiery pumpkin orange, almost as if her hair was aflame. Her right eye was also tweaking, but that was normal for Wolf. "I'm serious when I say that if you two don't halt your idiotic intolerance for each other, I will buy you each adorable little hamsters. I will then let you learn to love these adorable little hamsters. Then, late at night, I will sneak into your rooms and kick you in the face!"

At this point the two certain wizards Wolf was upbraiding winced. Wolf would probably act worse than she had described to them. Her face seemed to lighten up at this point. "Come on. All you two need is a nice, big hug!"

All they could do at this point was facepalm and scream, "NO!"

"Oh come on! If you begin to like each other then maybe I'll take off the handcuffs!"

"_Maybe?" _said Snape darkly, looming over Wolf and yanking Harry along with him, who cried out in indignation.

"Well duh," said Wolf undauntedly. "After all, I'm the only person who knows how to unlock them."

Wolf did have a point...Grimacing, Harry and Snape twisted towards each other- and jolted backwards when gunfire rang out, startling all three of them. Snape was hoping that it wasn't Death eaters, Harry was hoping it wasn't Voldemort, and Wolf was hoping it wasn't evil teapots. As if the day couldn't become more peculiar, the trio overhead a lightsaber and dived aside just in the knick of time as Blaze and Eowyn rushed past, Blaze screaming out about Anakin's...positive characteristics.

Wolf glanced briefly as Blaze ad Eowyn breezed by, then she shrugged. Typical Blaze.

* * *

Yoda had sensed the destruction going on around him. Him and Mace had long since learned, though, that interfering with the bloody battles of the young and/or psychotic was a waste of time.

So they might as well eat cotton candy and go on rides!

At the Paratrooper, Mace stood between a group of gelatinous teenagers and a naggy mother who wouldn't shut up about her daughter's hair. Yoda was perched on Mace's shoulders, and as they prepared to enter the ride he leaped off, galloping to the entrance- and that's when he saw the height requirement sign. "Judge me by my size, do you?"

* * *

Anakin deflected two lightsaber blades that belonged to one General Grievous and bashed the android on the head, puzzled and furious at himself. How had he not sensed this one coming? Palpatine had lost his lustrous sheen of superb manipulation since arriving on Earth, so there was no way it could possibly be him. Sauron was too hot-blooded for a cunning maneuver like this, and Voldemort was just too stupid. But if it wasn't them, then who-

No. Oh, crap.

Anakin punted Grievous to the side, shuddering slightly. It wasn't possible! Xizor was dead! Of course, Anakin was happy he could beat the snot out of Xizor for what he did to Leia, but even so...

Anakin was first going to find Luke and Mara, embrace Luke until he nearly suffocated (if he was even still alive), and then gaze unemotionally on Mara and tell her she really needed a different haircut. Then he was going to find Xizor and shove his lightsaber where the sun didn't shine.

Luke and Mara dipped into one of the tents, sighing in relief as they spotted no one other than senior citizens who seriously needed a change of pants. Mara plugged her nose and waved a hand around her face to ward off the distinctive stench of urine-

"I can't believe you're being descriptive about old pee!" said Mara crossly.

Luke inhaled deeply, feeling the Force return to him. The enemy must have brought ysalamiri along with them, preventing them from accessing the Force. As Luke stretched out his senses, the only places he could still feel were this tent, a few snack bars, and the Ferris wheel.

Oh joy.

* * *

The barn owl hovered in the air, its head swiveling back and forth as it pinpointed the source of the ruckus. Finally spotting a massing near the Ferris wheel, it trilled a series of hoots that sounded suspiciously like "Monster" by Skillet before diving downwards.

"They're at the Ferris wheel!" exclaimed Wolf as she changed back into human form. "There's a whole battle going on over there, which I guess somewhat explains your inability to currently use your powers and what-"

_"Oops, I did it again! I played with your heart, got lost in the game! Oh, baby, baby-"_

"I have to take this call," said Wolf, pressing the talk button on her cell phone and ending the Britney Spears ringtone. "Yeah?"

"Wolf, it's Nemesis. I just thought you might want to know that Prince Xizor tried to pick me up earlier."

Wolf raised an eyebrow. "Did you squeeze lemon juice into his eyes?"

"Yep! How did you know?"

"This is the fourth time you've done that."

"Hey!" Nemesis replied indignantly. "Most of them deserved it, after all. It was a lesson learned!"

"The one guy was just asking for directions!" said Wolf.

"Still-" said Nemesis, but Wolf cut her off.

"Directions to the _restroom!"_

"But-"

"And then you made him take a number two in his pants!"

"Whatever!" shrieked Nemesis before hanging up.

Wolf groaned and grinned awkwardly at Harry and Snape. "So...I should probably unlock you two now. You can't fight when you're cuffed together, after all."

"Finally!" said Snape.

"About time!" added Harry.

Wolf groped in her pockets, finally pulling out a key ring filled with keys every color of the rainbow. "Okay, let's open those..." She trailed off, gaping at the keys. "Crud!"

"What?" inquired Harry and Snape nervously.

"These aren't my keys?"

"_What?" _Harry and Snape repeated.

"I must have switched them when I bumped into Anakin!" she glared at them. "Don't just do something! Stand there!" Wolf then took off in a run towards the Ferris wheel, moaning as she realized Xizor was probably behind all this. "Great, a perverted crime lord with a bad hairdo. Just what we needed."

* * *

Everyone stumbled slightly near the Ferris wheel as their Force powers returned to them Hermione was the first to recover. _"Stupefy!" _she cried, sending Darth Maul hurtling to the ground. _"Verta kringle!" _she hollered, twisting her wand in a random Death Eater's direction. The Death Eater was transfigured into a cupcake. _"Tarantallegra!" _The pastry then sprouted legs and began to tap dance.

Obi-Wan frowned briefly at this image before howling with laughter. "Abundance! That's rich!"

"IDIOTS!" shouted Ginny as she and several other approached the Ferris wheel's cars. The Jedi leaped higher and higher, climbing up until they reach the Ferris wheel's peak. The others, either not having mastered the Force jump or not having Force powers at all, grumbled and shimmied up the Ferris wheel's steel frame, followed closely by the villains.

At the very bottom, Eowyn and Blaze had finally reach the others, with Eowyn leading the duel, pushing Blaze backwards. Blaze sighed in relief as her Force powers returned- and ducked just in time as Eowyn's sword slashed above her head, colliding with the Ferris wheel's controls, and sending everyone on it into a state of chaos as the wheel turned rapidly.

Only seven heroes were missing. In fact, one was sprinting towards the Ferris wheel right now...

Nemesis, dressed in a Jack Sparrow costume, Force leaped onto the nearest car, which just so happened to contain Pippin, Merry, and Count Dooku. "Why is the rum always gone?" she asked as she swung a root beer bottle into Dooku's face. The Count shrieked in agony as the glass shards penetrated skin and drew blood and promptly fell unconscious.

Merry gave Nemesis a grateful look. "Thanks. All we could really do was repeatedly stab him in the knees."

"Give me the rum!" said Nemesis as she leaped up to the next car. This time she yanked out a jar of dirt and said- yes, you guessed it, "I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!" before bashing Saruman on the head and Force leaping even higher up.

Down below, Merry and Pippin both took a seat. "I hate being short," said Pippin.

"You said it! We can't even leave this car now!" replied Merry as he shook dirt out of his curly hair.

"Oh, blast!" said Pippin sadly, holding up a bruised and dirty fruit. "She got ash on my tomato!"

"That's dirt, my good friend. Not ash, dirt!" said Merry indifferently. He grinned and held up two cylinders. "Want to attack the pedestrians below with spray cheese?"

"You know me well!" said Pippin cheerily, taking the can from Merry and bombarding everyone below with the oozy yellow-orange substance.

Not too far away, Anakin rubbed furiously at his scalp, smearing a mysterious substance everywhere. "Is that...spray cheese?"

He heard a whirring noise behind him before feeling a thud. everything went black, and his assailant rifled through his pockets before snatching his keys and stalking off. Xizor smiled as the next phase of his plan began.

* * *

"_He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of act-"_

"Wolf, please stop giving Snape theme songs!" pleaded Harry. He was really feeling bad for the guy now. Sure, it had taken him time, but he now remembered what Wolf had said about Snape loving his mum. Sure, it made Harry want to throw up (as if he didn't do that enough already), but at least he understood why Snape hated him. Granted, Snape was still a d-bag, but he was a d-bag with reason!

Snape glanced briefly at Harry before turning away, rolling his eyes as he heard the handcuffs jingle. Wolf shot the two an apologetic. "Sorry, that wasn't for Snape. I was watching _Phineas and Ferb _before we left."

Harry snickered, while Snape just rolled his eyes. "Aren't you a bit old to be watching that show?"

"You are _never _too old to watch _Phineas and Ferb," _answered Wolf.

Snape's eyes rolled once more before coming to a halt, spotting something peculiar. "Is that Skywalker?" He raised his and Harry's arms, pointing at a bulky lump of black cloth, human flesh, and metal.

Wolf jogged up to Anakin, kneeled down, and prodded him with her lightsaber hilt. "He's out cold," she finally spoke after a minute or two. "Does anyone else want to draw on him?"

"Wolf, we do not have an abundance of time!" said Snape, irked.

"Well, he did pass out with his shoes on," argued Wolf as she looted Anakin's pockets. She unearthed permanent markers, filthy sweat socks, three playing cards, and a stapler. "Alas, there are no keys!"

Harry frowned. "Why is Anakin unconscious, anyways?"

Snape and Wolf had been wondering the same thing. It only took Wolf two seconds to piece it together. "Whoever it was wanted Anakin's keys!"

"That's absurd!" bellowed Snape, sending Wolf into a fit of mirth. Harry and Snape shared a glance before shrugging. Well, there was at least one thing they agreed on: They may both like or at least tolerate Wolf, but she was still a queer.

"For once in my life I'm being serious!" Wolf shouted the increasingly inaccurate statement. She took anything involving morality or Christianity to heart, but anything else...Well, you know the rest, what with the chaos, mayhem, and havoc.

"Ugh...what happened?" came a voice from down below. Harry, Snape, and Wolf glanced down th see Anakin shakily sitting up, looking dazed and disgruntled. "Where am I now? And- butter biscuits, why the French toast are Snape and Harry handcuffed together?"

They ignored all three questions. "Where are your keys?" growled Snape, wishing his powers could come back to him. But of course, when had wishing gotten anyone anywhere?

At his feet, Anakin shook his head as he struggled to his feet. "You guys went through my pockets?"

Wolf prepared to respond, but then smacked her forehead as it came to her. "Xizor!"

Anakin could do nothing but gape. "I thought he was dead!"

"Nemesis just informed me that he's alive."

"Who's Xizor?" queried Harry.

Anakin decided to be the one to respond. "He's a crime lord who wants revenge on me for diseasing his home and killing his family, and therefore decided to murder Luke. He's a douche bag."

Wolf nodded, her gaze distant, thoughts all flickering through her mind. Without thinking, she reached behind her and took off her backpack, rummaging through its contents. After seeing all of her weapons, both old and brand new, were intact, she turned to the others. "Okay, now we just need to find Luke and-"

"DAD! YOU'RE ALIVE!" squealed a relieved voice. Unsurprisingly, Anakin twisted around to spot Luke, running along with an unenthusiastic Mara. Luke jumped into his father's arms, and the two embraced.

"Aw," spoke Wolf after a minute or two. "That's so sweet it makes me want to brush my teeth."

"Or vomit," added Snape.

Harry just shrugged, giving Anakin and Luke a wistful glance. "They're lucky..."

Wolf flashed Harry an apologetic look. "I'm sorry your dad was brutally murdered by an evil stalker." Harry winced as Wolf continued, "I'm also sorry your mum's best friend hates your guts because your mum didn't think he was hot enough."

Next to Harry, Snape was fuming. Harry flinched again as he realized who she was referring to. "Wolf..."

"Yes?" the rabid lady replied.

Harry rubbed his cuffed arm anxiously. "...Do you remember when you had the mutant pineapple?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you sort of told me that Snape is still hitting on my mum."

"SHE DID WHAT?" howled Snape as Wolf shrank down in horror.

"I don't even recall telling him that! I was high on pineapple! I swear I'll never eat it again!"

Snape was still fuming. Potter knew his deepest secret now! Dun, dun, dun!

"Halt your idiotic nonsense, Flow!"

"Never!" said Wolf denied. "I...or she...or we- whatever!- cannot stop talking!"

"Snape..." Harry trailed off.

"WHAT?"

"I'm sorry my dad was such an idiotic jerk."

Snape's fuming halted as he gaped at Harry. Harry continued, "He was a bully and a toe rag! I'm nothing like him, yet no one can see that!"

"Hey, what about me?" said Wolf, crossing her arms over her chest. "I've always like you, but I think James Potter was a total cretin."

At that moment Snape honestly liked Wolf. The girl was smart after all!

Far away, Luke and Anakin were still hugging. Mara sighed and walked towards the little therapy session.

Harry gestured towards Wolf. "Obviously you recognize a difference, you've read the book series. Still, Snape has to be a snarky, greasy git about everything because my dad-"

"You're being redundant, Harry."

"-was cruel to you, but I..." Harry glanced at Wolf and Mara, who were grinning and gazing amazedly at Snape, respectively. "Did you just call me Harry?"

Snape sighed. "Yes. That would be your name, correct?"

"But..." Harry flashed Snape an incredulous look. "You have got to be kidding me!"

"I do not kid, Harry."

Harry gazed stupidly at Snape. Mara was rolling her eyes, Luke and Anakin were _still _hugging, and Wolf was jumping up and down in glee. "You guys have reconciled! This is almost as sweet as pie! Group hug?"

"NO!"

Wolf's grin did not fade. "Oh well. Anyways, onto semi-serious business! It's time to plan our taking down an egotistic crime lord..."

* * *

"Xizor!" clamored a deep, matured voice. The head of Black Sun spun only to see Anakin Skywalker, who was neither deep nor mature. A lightsaber blazed in his hand, but the ysalamiri were still in place; Xizor and the Skywalkers were currently equal opponents.

"Ah, Skywalker! Glad to see you alive and well."

Skywalker skipped the banter. "Why are you doing this?"

"Isn't it obvious? You murdered my family! Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, after all. So killing your son seems like a fair trade, hmm? After all, killing your son is quite an impressive plot! I'm surprised I even thought of brutally murdering your own flesh and blood!"

"Stop it!" Anakin cried. "You're being redundant with your redundancy!"

Xizor's expression did not change. "I was planning on having your son die first, but you're practically pleading for death..." Xizor raised a blaster, aiming at Anakin's forehead, but before he could shoot a voice shouted, "No!"

Luke Skywalker bustled out of the shadows, looking unsteady on his feet. He planted himself in front of Anakin. "You'll have to kill me first!"

"Luke!" Anakin admonished in fear. "Shut your blabbering, lopsided mouth, you don't know what you're talking about!"

Xizor watched the pair with an amused mien as Luke responded, "I don't care! You're my only parent left, I won't let you die for me!"

"Oh for crying out loud, somebody choose who dies already!" Xizor shrieked.

"Luke!" Anakin continued, ignoring Xizor. "You know we need to find the keys first!"

Xizor's ears perked. "Keys? I gave those to Palpatine."

From behind a tent, Harry and Snape honest to goodness grinned at each other and sprinted towards the Ferris wheel, laughing at Xizor for blabbing that vital piece of information.

"Fine!" Luke all but shrieked. "You want me? Come and get me!" Luke sprinted off towards the enormous crowd of innocent bystanders, Xizor hot on his trail. The Falleen knocked Anakin aside on his way.

Dusting himself off a few minutes later, Anakin smiled and pulled out his comlink. "He took the bait."

"Really? That's fantastic!"

* * *

As Snape donned Harry's Invisibility Cloak, the two cautiously stepped towards the rapidly moving Ferris wheel. "Jump when Palpatine is near, Harry."

"...I knew that already!"

"Just making sure."

Sure enough, Palpatine was swiftly descending towards them, but he was with...Nemesis, Merry, and Pippin? And why was nemesis dressed like jsvk Sparrow? Nemesis gestured wildly at them, saying, "Do you guys need these?"

In her hands were the keys.

Snape and Harry _nearly _jumped for joy, but did not in the end. After all, it was far too childish for Snape. The handcuffs clattered to the ground. While Harry and Snape-a-doodle- "DON'T CALL ME THAT!"- sighed in relief, Nemesis, Merry, and Pippin hopped off their Ferris wheel cart and watched the other cars pass by. Everything was going fine until...

"MERRY AND PIPPIN, KEEP THAT ATRIFICIAL CHEESE OFF MY FACE!" screamed Harry as the two hobbits attacked him with their canisters. Wiping his face off, he felt that something was very wrong...

Nemesis also noticed. "Hey, is it just me or are a couple of the villains missing?"

* * *

Xizor chased Luke around tents, citizens, and the fat man with the ice cram from earlier that day, hollering, "Get back here, Skywalker!"

"Over your dead body!" Luke shot back. "Well, maybe not something as extreme as that, but you get the point..."

Further and further they ran, and the crowd grew sparse. Luke shouted over your shoulder, "And what's up with Black Sun's acronym, anyways? Black Sun, BS...It's not the most respectable."

"Shut up, Skywalker!" Xizor cried in fury as he and Luke darted into a building, descending down, down into the basement. Skywalker came to a halt as he reached a dead end, the evil wall blocking his path. Xizor raised his blaster. "And now, you will die!" He smiled to himself in the darkness of the basement and fired the shot...and heard it hit the wall.

"What the- I _never _miss!" The lights flickered on, and Xizor was astonished to see, not Skywalker, but a teenage girl with pumpkin orange hair in Skywalker's place. She was even wearing Skywalker's clothes. "Who are you and what have you done with Skywalker?"

The girl feigned a gasp. "You mean Palpatine didn't mention me? Oh, the shame! I guess I'm not important enough to be known about by a pretty princess like yourself."

"She has a point, you know," spoke another voice. Xizor spun and faced the real Luke Skywalker just as he ignited his lightsaber. Luke continued, "Now, surrender or I will be a real meanie face!"

Xizor raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "A meanie face? That's the best you can do?"

"Shut up, meathead!" said Anakin Skywalker as he hurtled down the staircase.

Everyone except for the girl had weapons drawn, but Xizor knew something they did not. "You fail," he hissed, and that's when he whistled.

The door banged open as Darth Maul and Lucius Malfoy bustled down, each with their weapons ready. "Kill them!" Xizor exclaimed.

All was chaos. Xizor and Lucy-Lu fired shots and curses at Luke, who successfully deflected every shot. In the opposite corner, Anakin and Maul dueled. Everyone had forgotten about Wolf, who was rummaging through her backpack.

And the best insults that Anakin and Maul could come up with were...

"Your mom's so ugly, she petrified the basilisk!" Anakin taunted.

"Oh yeah? Your mom's so fat, Jabba the Hutt said 'Dang!'" countered Darth Maul.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT!" Anakin said with a righteous fury, tackling Maul and repeatedly bashing the Sith on the head with his lightsaber hilt. The others all ceased fighting as they gawked at the spectacle.

"Dang, Maul dissed your grandma, Skywalker!" chuckled Lucy-Lu Malfoy. Lucius spun to face Luke- and didn't spot him. "What the-" You see, Lucy-Lu couldn't speak any longer because Luke had knocked him unconscious with a crowbar. In that time, they all felt the Force disappear.

"Oh crud..." muttered Anakin as he stood up- only to find himself facing one of two blasters. Xizor sneered at him quickly before nodding his head towards Luke. "How does it feel, Skywalker, attempting to prepare yourself for the demise of your offspring? Is it horrendous? Aha! I got you, Perry the Platypus!"

"I love that show!" spoke up Wolf finally. "Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!"

Xizor did a few fancy schmancy, jazzy kicks before spinning like Arnold Schwarzenegger as a ballerina and facing Wolf. "Who are you?"

"My name is Wolf. I like nonalcoholic margaritas and Mexican standoffs and I hate evil. I'm also a shape shifting ninja in training. I understand that you're a perverted crime lord with no life?"

"As a matter of fact, yes! I understand that you're a psychotic waste of space that should be put down?"

"You're half right," said Wolf with a smile. "Now, put down your guns and remove the ysalamiri you just had brought in. I know I said I like Mexican standoffs, but this is getting ridiculous!"

Xizor did not ease up on the blasters, but his skin did adjust to a shade between green and red. Wolf edged away, hissing in annoyance. Xizor grinned darkly as he said, "Are you quite sure that you don't want to take those insults back?"

Wolf's eye twitched slightly as she inched closer to the crime lord. "Not really. I'm a Carrie Underwood fan, after all."

"Who?"

As the distance between the two decreased, Wolf shut her eyes and sang, _"He's a good time, Crime Lord Casanova, leaning up against the record machine!"_

"Stop your tone deaf singing!" the abovementioned Crime Lord Casanova screeched in pain.

Wolf's singing stopped; they were now six inches from each other. Xizor smiled, believing his pheromones had succeeded, raised his blaster to fire at Wolf's forehead- and was pummeled by a plunger. "MMPH!" Mister Crime Lord Casanova sputtered as he attempted to remove the plunger attached to his face. He pulled it off after five seconds, gave out an evil, maniacal laugh...and was then knocked unconscious by Anakin and Luke.

"Thanks," Wolf sighed in gratefulness.

Luke narrowed his eyes. "You resisted the pheromones...that's abnormal!"

"Please don't tell me this is a Mary Sue thing!" said Anakin, quaking in fear.

Wolf looked horrified. "Goodness, no! It took me a good few years to develop an immunity to pheromones! I hate it when those people develop incredible skills in a matter of days!" She carelessly gestured at Xizor's limp body. "What will we do with him?"

Anakin grinned maliciously. "Oh, I have an idea..."

* * *

Only one duel was still going on, and that was the one between Eowyn and Blaze. Blaze huffed as she waved her lightsaber to block Eowyn's sword, but Eowyn just knocked the sword aside like a puny bendy straw. Despite her current advantage, Eowyn was also running out of breath. "Breather?" she asked Blaze.

Too pooped to even defend her Anakin, the younger girl nodded. They plopped down at an abandoned picnic table. Finally Eowyn said, "Why are we even fighting?"

Blaze's face screwed up in concentration, but she drew up a blank. "I don't know, but I really want some candy."

Eowyn shot Blaze an incredulous look. "Candy? We just demolished one fourth of a carnival and you want _candy?"_

"Is there a problem with that?"

Eowyn shook her head. "I think soup is better during the aftermath of a duel...we should probably leave this place, the authorities are bound to arrive soon."

"Agreed!"

* * *

"I can't believe Xizor thought you were Luke!" Harry said mirthfully, tears staining his face as he laughed like a madmen. Him, Wolf, Anakin, Luke, Snape, Nemesis, and Blaze were in the very back of the bus, discussing recent events. Blaze was squashed between Anakin and Luke, but she didn't mind. This way she could clutch onto Anakin's arm.

Wolf shared a glance with Nemesis and the duo of Doom rolled their eyes. "Nice plunger, Wolf," Nemesis commented, picking up the plunger from its spot in Wolf's backpack.

"Thanks. Nice green and black fish!"

Nemesis smirked as she held up a plastic bag. Within it was a masculine green and black fish, swimming in a sparse amount of water. "Why thank you, my furry friend!" She tipped her pirate hat in gratitude. "I named it Casanova, just like you said."

Anakin and Luke's doubled over in giggles. Blaze yelped as the two smashed her and said "I don't understand! What's the supposed to mean?"

"This fish is the artist formerly known as Prince Xizor," said Wolf gleefully. "Insert fishy pun here."

"Snape transfigured him into a fish for us!" added Nemesis.

"And let's pray he never reverts back to human form," spoke Luke. Anakin rapped Luke on the head. "Ouch! what was that for?"

"You jinxed us! Now Xizor is bound to be discovered!"

Luke sunk down into his seat. "Darn storyline. You ruined the foreshadowing too!"

Wolf glowered at Luke. "Shut up before you ruin the plot again. It's irksome!"

Luke grinned sheepishly. "Sorry...by the way, we're breaking the fourth wall again."

"You think?" Harry and Snape said simultaneously before shifting their gaze to their feet.

"Aw, looks like there was some male bonding earlier!" Anakin taunted.

"Shut up!" Harry countered. "At least I'm not caught in a love triangle!"

As usual, Anakin looked dumbfounded. "Love triangle?"

Everyone except for Anakin, Blaze, and Luke cracked up, though the other three couldn't figure out for the life of them what was going on.

"Well, you forgot about you, Ginny, and Voldemort," said Nemesis with a guffaw.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "Oh, shut it."

* * *

**What did you think? Was it spectacular? Horrid? So-so? I appreciate your opinion, good or bad!**

**Also, keep watch for my upcoming story, **_**The Rabid Moose Files. **_**It'll be a series of one-shots all based in the Craziness universe, both EU and AU. Look to the skies!**

**There was no inspiration for Voldy buying a cat, by the way. It was a trick question.**

**I'm open for another co-host next chapter! I've decided to make it more difficult this time around. You have to guess my either:**

**My favorite sport, Ninja Turtle, and my least favorite color...or my worst fear. **

**The House Cup**

Gryffindor: 312 points

Ravenclaw: 246 points

Jedi Order: 217 points

Slytherin: 80 points

Hufflepuff: 59 points

Sith Order: 8 points


	33. Pranking Pricks

**Congratulations to Katie Ladmoore for getting the most questions correct! My favorite Ninja Turtle is tied between Leo and Mikey, my least favorite color is pink, my favorite sport is soccer, and my worst fear is becoming evil. **

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Alice in Wonderland, LOST, X-Men, Transformers, Alex Rider, **_**Monopoly, Nemesis, Blaze, Tigress, Katie, or any of the songs/music artists mentioned and/or used in this story.**

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Pranking Pricks

* * *

**

Summer vacation was drawing to a close, and the one thing that bothers kids most was swiftly approaching...school.

It's that speed bump on the road of fun. Of course, there are some advantages to it, like friends, art class, sports, and some other fun classes. Maybe your gym teacher would let you play dodgeball for a day. Perhaps you got to dissect cats. Or maybe you would steal a chart on vortexes from your physics teacher and use your dementia to discover fictional characters.

But how likely is that?

The thought of school had all of the kids moping around the mansion. Nemesis didn't seem to mind as much, but Wolf was stuck in a rut. Everyone had gathered in the common room, but the atmosphere was bleak. Blaze and Tigress just sat on the couch, staring blankly at the off television. Katie Ladmoore, a girl with auburn hair and brown eyes who had decided to visit Nemesis, was paging through an enormous textbook, trying to study up for the year.

Much to Hermione's chagrin, the Hogwarts kids were not going back to school. everyone else was relieved. The castle would not be able to contain their new level of insanity. Due to this, Hermione was sulking in the corner.

Anakin, Obi-Wan, Luke, Mara, Han, Leia, Yoda, Qui-Gon, Mace, Boba Fett, Harry, Ron, Snape, Luna, Sirius, Ginny, Neville, Fred and George Weasley, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Legolas, and Eowyn all sat around the room's long table, completely at a loss.

"Why are we trying to help them now?" questioned Boba Fett. He still didn't understand the precarious balance at the mansion.

Luna decided to answer. "Well, Wolf, Nemesis, Blaze, Tigress, and Katie are clearly being attacked by shunting billbagels, so-"

Obi-Wan cut Luna off. "They're just depressed." Under his breath, he muttered, "Shunting billbagels?"

Next to him, Anakin shrugged. "This is Luna, after all."

"Do we _have _to help them?" Legolas whined. "I strongly dislike Wolf."

"Agreed!" spoke Mace, Qui-Gon, Sirius, and Frodo.

Luke facepalmed. "Look, it doesn't matter if you want to help them or not. The point is, I'm bored too! Why cant we do something fun?"

"Like a prank war!" Pippin spoke up. "That's a great idea! We can make teams and everything!"

A light bulb lit over Anakin's head. "I have our solution! We'll have a prank war!"

"I just said that!" cried Pippin indignantly.

"I'm brilliant!" Anakin boasted, propping his shiny boots onto the table.

"Pippin said that idea first!" Merry shouted

"We'll have teams!"

"That was Pippin's idea as well!" Eowyn exclaimed.

"We'll start today!"

"YOU IDIOT!" cried all of the Lord of the Rings characters.

* * *

It started off simple, with Wolf and Nemesis leading one team and Blaze and Tigress on another. Immediately, Blaze forced Anakin into joining their side and making his quarters their base. Upon hearing of this, Eowyn joined Wolf and Nemesis, with Merry tagging along and dragging Pippin into it as well. Fred and George Weasley felt that each side deserved one prankster duo each, so they went to Blaze and Tigress. Luke did not feel like siding with his father at the moment, so he joined Wolf and Nemesis, Mara tagging along.

Luna was determined to rid Wolf and Nemesis of the billbagels, so she enlisted with them. Sirius was still irritated by Wolf's blackmail from months ago, so he hunted down Anakin and joined the Dark Side, the jerk. Upon hearing this, Snape immediately met up with Wolf as to wreak havoc on his childhood nemesis. Harry followed Luke's path of rebellion and joined Wolf, Ron and Hermione coming shortly afterwards.

Since Mace, Legolas, Qui-Gon, and Frodo refused to put up with Wolf's jabber, they sided with Blaze and Tigress. Obviously, Sam dogged Frodo, while Aragorn did not desire Legolas's company and ditched the elf instead.

Wolf bribed Boba Fett into siding with her, this time promising money rather than scrumptious snacks. Obi-Wan decided that this was the perfect time to unleash revenge on Anakin for obliterating his iPod months before, and went to Wolf as well. Leia, Han, Ginny, and Neville simply shrugged and went to Blaze and Tigress, while Yoda desired even sides and met up with Wolf and Nemesis.

But the most astonishing surprise of all happened three days into it...

"What do you mean you're going to work with Blaze?" Wolf hollered at Orion.

The violet dragon winced. _Wolf, I am not going to work with Aragorn and Hermione! Aragorn is an egg-breaker and Hermione is a jerk._

Wolf was unsure of what to say. "I guess so, but I still feel a bit betrayed. You're joining _Blaze?"_

_It's not like I'm your bonded dragon or anything, Wolf. I stay here out of my own free will._

Spectators were gathering to watch. It was a curious conversation. Orion wasn't attached to Wolf in any way?

Wolf crossed her arms. "No, but the other dragons in your clan banished you."

_Humph! At least I'm no Jar Jar Binks. What I did was not out of clumsiness._

Wolf snorted. "No. All you did was lose in dragon wrestling. How noble."

_He was five times bigger than me! It's not my fault I'm the runt of the litter!_

"Maybe you shouldn't drink so much coffee then!"

_FINE! Be that way, you jerk! _Orion unfurled his wings and soared off, whipping up billowing clouds of smoke in the process.

Wolf coughed a bit, kind of like Darth Vader's asthmatic breathing. "This is poodoo."

* * *

The tension was tangible in the mansion. The villains, for once, decided to not interfere and kept to themselves instead. For this everyone was glad, though Sauron was furious that he had to put up with that blasted cat.

For a while, things were at a deadlock. No one struck. And then came the Shout Heard Round the World...

"SOMEONE LIT MY SOCKS ON FIRE!" Qui-Gon shrieked in terror as he hurtled down the hallway with flaming feet, nearly bowling over Han and Leia. The other two were already slipping off their flaming socks, wondering how this had happened.

All around them, others from their teams were shrieking in terror and/or flinging off flaming woolen projectiles. Sirius had actually passed out from the pain and girlish fear, his feet now charcoal shards.

Only one person could be responsible for this. The nerd with a fear of talking socks...

"NEMESIS!"

* * *

A day later, Obi-Wan, Hermione, Yoda, Mara, Eowyn, and Luna found themselves browsing through Wolf's _now _private library. Wolf sure did like pranks and books, especially when put together.

Hermione adored this library. There were plenty of books on chemistry, physics, English, and...the mating patterns of gorillas?

"Why is this book on the anatomy of a squirrel?" questioned a frightened Obi-Wan.

"Garbage, this is!" Yoda exclaimed, slamming the book down. Everyone gaped at the shriveled green dwarf. It wasn't so much that Yoda had insulted something as that he had broken his deadpan voice.

Everyone was startled out of their reverie when Mara gave out a screech and a fuzzy brown book with _fangs _leaped off the shelf and nipped furiously at her face. "It's the Monster Book of Monsters!" Hermione cried out with a mixture horror and fascination.

In fact, there were five of The Care of Magical Creatures books. The books barked as they chomped on its victims. In the end, it took a livid Yoda to stomp on the book and bind it shut. He collapsed next to Obi-Wan and Luna, feeling dreadful. This prank war becoming far too violent for the ways of a Jedi.

* * *

Anakin had thought that a prank war would be hilarious and epic. He hadn't been counting on Blaze clinging to him for hours on end.

"What should we do? Should we go prank the others? Should we torture Palpy? Should we go eat candy together? Should we go on a date? Paris works for me, though I imagine you'd want to visit Japan instead. I like Japan, they have good candy there. Do you like candy? I do, and coffee is yummy as well. Sugar, sugar, and sugar are required, of course. How much sugar do you like?"

Anakin fidgeted. _Please...someone...kill me now._

Leia gave him a sympathetic look as she and Han passed by. Han gave out a slight sigh. "Can't you help him? He's suffocating," he whispered to Leia.

"Sure," she muttered back. _Father! Just tell her you have to use the bathroom!_

"I have to go potty!" Anakin howled, holding his pants up and fleeing to the safety of the bathroom. Blaze sank into the couch, looking disappointed. A moment later, there was a boom and a thud.

"What the PO-TA-TOES was that?" Sam Gamgee queried, glancing about. A moment later, a puddle of water seeped from beneath the bathroom's door.

Blaze, Han, Leia, Frodo, Sam, Neville, Ginny, and Chewbacca all rushed into the bathroom. As Chewbacca rammed into the door, it shattered into tiny wooden shards as an enormous flood pummeled the entire group.

Leia, being the strongest swimmer, stroked into the bathroom and saw Anakin splayed across the sink, holding his arm and wailing, "MOMMY, I HAVE A BOOBOO!"

Leia rolled her eyes, but just then another toilet exploded, knocking her out cold. These pranks were becoming quite ridiculous.

* * *

Lunchtime! Wolf grinned wider than the Mad Hatter as she chomped on her peanut butter and banana sandwich with vigor. Beside her, Aragorn, Ron, Harry, Snape, and Luke were doing the same.

"Dooo theeshe sandwichessss theem thickyer tan normal to yo guths?" Aragorn mumbled through the peanut butter.

"Yugh," said Wolf. "It seeths-ACK!" wolf's eyes widened as she clutched her throat, making gagging noises.

Everyone else began choking as well. Their savior arrived in the form of Nemesis, who had probably sensed their terror. She rushed in and poured milk into their throats, especially cursing Wolf's arachibutyrophobia as she emptied an entire carton of milk down the girl's throat. The white liquid pooled down Wolf's face and onto her lap, making her look as though she had wetted herself.

It did not take Nemesis long to find the source of the trouble. The mastermind behind this had left superglue on the counter. Oh, the fiends, the monsters, the cowards!

* * *

It was quite fortunate for Katie that all of the rival team's members were either hospitalized or visiting their friends in the infirmary, because otherwise it would've been impossible to infiltrate their quarters. Her head swiveling let and right in constant watch, she rifled through Legolas's sock drawer until she found his pants. Grinning, she began. "FOR THE ANTI-PEANUT BUTTER ALLIANCE!"

Sadly, they could not come up with a cooler name for their team.

It was the beginning of a glorious new day for Legolas! Sure, nearly all of his team were hospitalized, but he was not, nor was his precious hair! Yes, his precious...

He clambered out of bed and changed clothes. Ah, yes, a wonderful day! There were an unusual amount of birds in the air this beautiful morning, but Legolas thought nothing of it as he poured himself a bowl of bran flakes. As he trotted outside for his annual amble around the lawn, his majestic elven ears picking up the sounds of various birds in flight. But surely...

Nope. Flock upon flock of birds were diving downwards, shuttling straight towards-

"HOLY COW!"

Legolas attempted to flee. What would happen if the birds damaged his marvelous hair? But all was in vain, for the birds began attacking his pants.

As Legolas succumbed to the pain and began slipping away, the last things he saw were a mass of feathers and bird seed trickling from his pant leg. Oh, they would pay for harming Legolas. They would pay! BWUAHAHAHA!

At this point, Leggy went unconscious and my narration returned to normal. I really do not like that Purple Prose garbage.

* * *

"Are we the only ones left?" Tigress asked as she, Orion, Fred, George, and Qui-Gon all gathered around a table.

_Affirmative, _Orion confirmed. _The other team only has Nemesis, Merry, Pippin, and Boba Fett remaining as well. That's four for each._

Tigress slumped in her seat. Perhaps they had taken this prank war a wee bit too far. _Only _a wee bit, mind you! "Do you think a truce is in order?"

* * *

_Epilogue..._

It had been two weeks since the prank war, and Anakin couldn't help but feel guilty. That monster book had nearly killed so many people, and he had been the one to set that particular prank up!

He gulped. The enmity had gone on long enough. It was time he apologized to the suicidal transvestite - I mean, Eowyn.

"Eowyn?"

Said suicidal transvestite was sitting on the couch, her arms covered in bandages. She had permanently developed a hatred for furry books. "What do you want, Skywalker?"

"This has to end!"

Eowyn glanced between Anakin and the television. "If you're referring to the show on the television, congrats, idiot. LOST actually ended a while back."

"I was talking about our quarrel! It's ridiculous!"

Eowyn raised two eyebrows as she lofted up the remote and changed the channel. "Did someone help you write a script, actually? It sounds far too intelligent to come out of your mouth."

Anakin shook his head, a wry grin on his face. "Nope. I only used my brain and a dictionary!"

Eowyn moaned in annoyance and headed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Anakin gazed at the door for a few moments, lost his thought. His reverie was shattering when the door burst open once more.

"Wolf, you promised payment!" was Boba Fett's outcry.

"I did pay you!" Wolf argued. "In money, too!"

"Wolf, this is Monopoly money," Fett hissed.

"So?"

"So I can't use it!"

"You could in Canada!"

By now Anakin had backed into a corner and had sat down, watching the spectacle fold out.

"I'm not going to Canada!" By now Fett had his blaster out. This guy sure did go to extremes.

"What if I planned a road trip, huh? Then you'd be one rich Canadian clone!"

"You know something, Wolf? You're an idiot."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

Wolf plopped down in a chair next to Anakin as Fett stormed out of the room. She gave him an incredulous look. "Okay, what happened to you?"

There were thousands of things Anakin could've said at this moment, but he chose the most intelligible statement: "Whaa?"

"You're blushing brighter than an overripe tomato. Something's up. After all, I saw Eowyn stomp out of here, looking quite-" Here Wolf broke off, grinning from ear to ear as her hair morphed from pumpkin orange to an obnoxious yellow as realization struck. "So, Anakin, why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell me what?" Now Anakin was truly nervous.

Wolf simply smiled diabolically. _"Whoa, oh, oh! What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love-"_

"Shut up! I don't like Eowyn" Anakin whacked Wolf with the couch cushion, springing up from his seat.

Wolf did a little dance of mockery. "Ani and Eowyn, sitting in a gutter! Eating peanut butter! Licking each-"

"I do not like Eowyn!"

"Do too!" hollered back Wolf.

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do...How obvious is it?"

Wolf rolled her eyes. "You purposely went out of your way to annoy her for a while. I'll admit that this strategy works much better than your horrid pick-up lines from the movies, but even so, most girls dislike jerks."

Anakin scratched the back of his head, deep in thought. "Well...will you help me?"

Wolf gave him another incredulous look. "You want _my _help?"

"Well, you're better than most of the people here, and you're not about to admit my weakness to Palpy..."

Wolf fist pumped. "Sweet! I'll teach you everything I know and you'll be a slave to a girlfriend by Christmas! First of all, you'll need a Dalmatian and a fire hose..."

_What have I gotten myself into? _Anakin thought.

"Also, we'll work on your manliness, seeing how Eowyn could beat the snot out of you!"

"Err..."

"And you need to stop wearing so much black. You look like a wannabe Goth-prep hybrid freak, what with the girl hair."

"Um..."

Wolf snapped her fingers together in a silencing gesture, though Anakin was on the verge of a hissy fit. "Also, maybe we could get you a pedicure! Your toenails looks like bloodshot corn. And-"

"WOLF!"

* * *

**I'm sorry it was so short...On the upside, the next chapter will be like a Giant Sized X-Men comic compared to this, since I've been planning it for a month! I've been working on planning multiple stories, including either an Alex Rider or Star Wars Christmas story, a Star wars and Transformers crossover, and my co-author story with xXRandom NemesisXx titled "Planet of the Geeks". I've also had school and soccer practice. **

**AngelIre, I divided your points among everything except the Sith...I salute you for saying my favorite sport is mockery.**

**If you have any questions on anything at all, including anything from this story to sacks of potatoes to my other stories and so on, please do ask them. I'm actually awarding points for **_**your **_**questions!**

**The House Cup**

Gryffindor: 340 points

Ravenclaw: 289 points

Jedi Order: 239 points

Slytherin: 106 points

Hufflepuff: 64 points

Sith Order: 8 points


	34. Suebusters

**Ah, the gigantic chapter. This is when conspiracies are revealed, events are foreshadowed, and anti-drug messages are portrayed in a totally ridiculous way. Have you ever noticed that Palpatine always has this look on his face like he's being hit by a BB gun? I did!**

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, Kingdom Hearts, The Magic School Bus, Alice in Wonderland, The Fox and the Hound, Elf, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Lorax, The Princess Bride, One Piece, The Lion King, **_**Sprite, Coke, Geico, Red Bull, The Beatles, John Williams, Oreos, Costco, Wal-Mart, Pizza Hut, or any of the songs/music artists mentioned or used in this story.**

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Suebusters**

* * *

_The gaunt eight-year-old pumped her legs furiously, slowly but surely forcing the swing into the air. Next to her, a shock of aquamarine splayed in her face as the other girl soared past her, already flying high. On the ground, another skinny little girl gazed at the other two wistfully, a hint of fear in her eyes._

_"Mel!" she called down to her friend. "Come on, it's fun!"_

_Melinda Khan shook her head at the teeny blond...or rather, at her baggy black pants and hairy feet, which were the only part visible from her seat on the woodchips. "No! You can't make me! The metal hurts!"_

_The aqua-haired girl shook her head, annoying. "Come on! Stop being such a sissy-face and join us! It's much more fun than sitting!"_

_Melinda sighed and sat up. Up in the air, the blond one sighed at her two friends as she watched Melinda hack a loogie. Why did they hate each other so much? That was mean, and being mean isn't nice!_

_Determination set in her undeveloped brain, Melinda stuck out her tongue at the aqua-haired girl and clambered onto a swing - only to hurtle backwards with a sizzling snap, smoke seething from her clothing._

_"MEL!" Wolf screeched as she leaped thoughtlessly off the swing, hopelessly confused. What had just happened? At Wolf's feet, Mel sat sobbing hysterically and clutching her singed hair. _

_"WHAT THE-" Here the little girl burst into incomprehensible babble as the aqua-haired girl sat Indian-style next to Wolf and Melinda. Wolf couldn't hold in her sigh of pure relief. Okay, so she wasn't dead. _

_"I'm gonna join the Friends Club..." Melinda mumbled uselessly._

_"How _do _you join the Friends Club?" the aqua-haired girl asked as she began repairing Melinda. Seeing how she was only eight or so, this was slightly disturbing._

_"For starters," Melinda chattered brightly. "you actually have to have friends!"_

_The gorgeous aqua-haired girl glanced around, immediately reaching a logical conclusion. "It seems you react violently when you have contact with metal. A static electricity of sorts."_

_Wolf smiled. Her friends were so perfect...well, maybe not Melinda. But the other one was! Oh, wasn't Wolf brilliant?_

_Wolf frowned slightly. Her friend needed longer, redundant words for a description. Oh yes...Wait, where did that come from?_

_Melinda and the other girl didn't even look up as Wolf let out a whimper of bamboozlement._

* * *

The table was littered with empty pop cans, cookie crumbs, and crumpled pieces of paper, but its two occupants hardly cared. All Wolf could think about was Anakin's moronic plan.

"You want to use pick-up lines on Eowyn?"

"Yup!" Anakin replied smugly. "Come on, that's the best plan yet!"

Wolf continued to gape until an obnoxious banging sound from upstairs interrupted her pondering. She glanced at the ceiling before giving out a sigh. Wolf hated pick-up lines and most people knew it, but she didn't want to destroy the shaky friendship her and Anakin had built by saying he was an imbecile. "_Jedi tonto," _she muttered before speaking to Anakin once more. "Fine, let me hear one."

A cocky grin spread across the Jedi's face as he read off a slip of paper, "If I could change the alphabet I'd put 'U' and 'I' together."

Oh, how very original. And pathetic. "I'd rather keep 'N' and 'O' together."

Anakin seemed unfazed, though his idiocy plus that banging was grinding Wolf's gears just a smidge. "If you were Sprite, I'd obey my thirst."

"I'm more like Coke: Sniff me and die."

"Are you an angel? Because I must've died and gone to heaven."

Wolf facepalmed. "That pick-up line is so bad I must've died and gone to-"

"Hello, Wolf!" intervened a cheerful voice that Wolf hadn't been expecting. She jumped giddily out of her chair, fell on her bony butt, and finally regained her composure.

"Waffle!" Wolf exclaimed excitedly.

Anakin swiftly smashed the paper on pick-up lines into a crumply ball and hurled it into the trash can. "Um...hi?"

Grinning widely, Wolf made several gestures towards a stranger, this one a teenage girl. She has curly blond hair and twinkling blue eyes...the kind of eyes that foretold amusing mischief. "Anakin, this is Waffle, my camp friend. Waffle, this is-"

"Anakin Skywalker," Waffle said nonchalantly. "I know. This is so cool! By the way, Anakin, I like Obi-Wan better."

Anakin's smug demeanor was now shattered. "Err...thank you."

The thumping from upstairs resumed. Wolf pretended not to notice. "So, guys..."

Thud.

"Do you want to go get some pizza? No meat, of course-"

Thud.

"-since I'm trying out pescetarianism and I have to - Oh for crying out loud, what is that?" Wolf stormed out of the room, hot on the path of the mysterious banging noise.

Anakin and Waffle shrugged at each other before following, Anakin's lightsaber drawn but unlit. He glanced at Waffle. "Don't you have a saber?"

"Wolf was going to give me one, but she didn't know I was coming today, so-"

"Here," Wolf spoke, tossing Waffle a lightsaber without even turning around. She halted in front of a door, placing her ear against it. "Okay, the sound is resonating from here. I say we create a rational plan before we-"

"_Roundhouse kick!" _Anakin screeched. He lashed out at the door with his right foot, none too subtle. The door soared inside and Anakin darted in...

Only to fling himself into Waffle as a rosy lightsaber nearly impaled him. In the doorway stood Darth Fuchsia, looking as though she had never had her face scorched. As usual, a scowl was etched upon her face, her scornful mien evident. "WOLF!"

Instantly, Wolf's own crimson lightsaber was lit and in hand as the teenager parried dear Melinda's blows, all the while rolling her eyes at her former friend. "Come on, I thought there was no money in the revenge business or something?"

"There isn't!" Fuchsia countered as her blade slashed for Wolf's fragile neck. Wolf ducked and aimed a blow towards Fuchsia's knee. This too was deflected. Beside the pair, Anakin and Waffle were rising, blue and purple lightsaber ignited and ready for battle.

Unfortunately, this was not meant to be, for Wolf and Fuchsia were promptly overcome by hysterical coughing fits. They both placed their hands on the knees and hacked violently, mucus streaming from their throats.

"That's just nasty," Anakin murmured to the narrator. "And I thought Obi-Wan was bad when he got sick."

"You're telling me, Bananakin," Waffle responded. _Oh goody, _thought Anakin. _Just what we needed. Another witty one. _"And who's the Sith?"

Wolf had recovered from her coughing somewhat, and draped an arm over Fuchsia's shoulder. Cheekiness in her tone, she said, "This is Melinda Khan, AKA Darth Fuchsia. She just saved fifteen percent on auto insurance by shopping with Geico."

Fuchsia's scowl was dampened by her illness but it was present nonetheless. "Do you ever shut up? I swear you're worse than a chipmunk with Red Bull." Fuchsia would've liked to add more, but her coughing started once more, in perfect harmony with Wolf's own hacking. They lied on the floor, utterly pooped.

"Do you have any...cough drops?" Wolf rasped.

Fuchsia nodded weakly. "They're in my quarters, you dunce."

"Gee, thanks..." Wolf sniffed a bit but did not rise. Exhaustion clung to her and Wolf couldn't help but titter a bit as she thought of static Klingons. She did not even attempt to rise for fear of destitute lungs. It wouldn't be the strangest medical predicament she had faced, Wolf thought, as she clenched her mechanical hand. Wait until Waffle heard about _that _particular incident.

Being smarter than Anakin, Waffle realized neither Wolf nor Fuchsia could retrieve the cough drops. Then again, was Anakin even noticing his surroundings? Waffle did not believe so. You could wave fresh cinnamon rolls in the guy's face and he wouldn't even blink or sniff.

With this on her mind, Waffle walked into Fuchsia's quarters. Upon entrance, she stopped dead in her tracks.

Fuchsia had been watching _TMNT. _

What with Waffle had seen and heard, none of this added up. Fuchsia was supposed to be preppy, not geeky! So why was she watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Oh, forget it. Seeing the cough drops on the dresser, Waffle snatched them up and headed back to Wolf and Fuchsia.

On her part, Wolf's raspy tone bore a semblance to Darth Vader being rammed by a lawnmower, while Fuchsia resembled a bullfrog choking on broccoli. Waffle handed each of them a bag of cough drops. Imaginary arch enemy and wired inventor each glowered at each other before downing three cough drops at a time.

In everyone's defense, there's no possible way they could've foreseen what was coming.

* * *

The glimmering, lustrous, luminous ship cascaded down to the golden corn fields. Its occupant slid elegantly out of her seat and strode to the hatch, her shimmering hair flowing behind in her path of wondrous amazingness.

She descended down the walkway and pressed one stiletto onto the luscious grass below her. "Hello!" she sang, her melodious voice ringing out. A crowd exited the enormous and gigantic mansion to see who the visitor was.

A man tread towards her. "I'm sorry, but who the heck are you?"

She fluttered her long eyelashes. "Hi! My name is Mysteria Mystica Raven Angelina Amethyst Serenity Jasmine Rosaline Snapdragon, but you can call me Myst. That's spelled with a 'Y', not an 'I', since it sounds so much cooler that way!"

Everyone gaped at her. She had waist-length aquamarine hair with braided bangs. There were even natural pink highlights. Her glittering amethyst eyes gazed at them, shimmering like a kaleidoscope as her head swiveled to and fro. She was slim yet perky and incredibly athletic.

Her outfit was a glorious combination of purple and gold. Her dark violet mini-dress and stilettos were complemented by her golden scarf and fingernails. They were all adorned with a various assortment of gems. Emeralds, sapphires, rubies, topaz, and other stones covered much of her clothing. She wore no makeup other than purple lipstick, but she was perfect anyways.

Wait a minute! What the crackers is going on right-

She giggled and several of the men gaped. "I flew here in my spaceship! It's called the _Jewel of Majesty _and I need some materials for my time machine. It was broken when the Empire, Death Eaters, Orcs, Foot Clan, Decepticons, Klingons, Romulans, and Heartless were bombarding me since I carry the key to humanity's survival. And you are?"

The man held out a hand. "I'm Luke Skywalker!"

Myst gasped and covered her beautiful mouth. "You're my half-brother!"

Luke gasped. "No! I...What's going on?"

"You're my half-brother!" continued Myst despite Luke's interruption. "I'm the granddaughter of Palpatine, daughter of Anakin, sister of you and Leia, and cousin of Han, Lando and Chewbacca. I'm also part human, part elf, part Twi'lek, part veela, and part vampire. It's quite depressing. You see, I'm really a princess but I was raised in poverty. My adoptive parents abandoned me since I am far too independent and powerful. Now I'm all alone in the meaningless world, forever drowning in my crimson tide of bloody, shivering red tears and-"

"You can join us inside!" said Luke.

Myst smiled majestically. "Okay!"

"We shouldn't let her in!" objected a greasy man.

"Yes you should," countered Myst.

"Alright. We'll let her in."

* * *

Meanwhile, Waffle and Anakin had dragged Wolf and Fuchsia into good old Melon's quarters. Upon entrance Wolf cackled at the TV screen. Anakin wasn't sure if this was due to the cough drops or Wolf's quirkiness. "Mellie, you're watching _TMNT! _There's hope for you yet! Ho ha!"

"Who said I put that DVD in?" Fuchsia retorted. "It could've been the purple polar bears for all we know. I wonder what they taste like?"

"You're a liar, Miss Galactic Pancake. And I imagine they taste awful, kind of like dirty diapers mixed with my grandma's Christmas sweaters. Shove that in your juice box."

Waffle dumped Wolf on the couch, whereas Anakin deposited Fuchsia on an armchair. They both plopped down on the couch next to Wolf, who was now shushing everyone. "This is a good part!"

Fuchsia and Wolf simultaneously began chewing on their fingernails as Nightwatcher and Leonardo exchanged blows onscreen. "Go Leo! Let's have turtle soup!"

"That's redundant!" Fuchsia sneered.

"How do you know, Garth Fuchsia? Garth Brooks, Darth Brooks..."

"Because I is what I is!"

Waffle stifled her snickers and Anakin bit his knuckles to prevent laughter from escaping. Wolf began her argument. "It's 'I _am _what I is', Einstein. But who really cares? I'd much rather travel to Arkansas so we can see the ocean. We can take the Magic School Bus!"

"Then we'll turn into octopi and fly away!" Fuchsia leaped up from her seat and struck a dramatic pose. Wolf joined her, attaching her hook hand and trying out an "evil" laugh. "You're doing it wrong, foo!" Fuchsia exclaimed. She let out an awesome burst of hysterics.

Waffle clapped, as did Wolf. Anakin smiled outrageously, very much imagining the two sitting down and shutting up. "Impressive. Most impressive."

Wolf groaned a bit as she flopped onto the couch once more, massaging her temples. "Um, I have a headache."

Fuchsia snorted, blowing a strand of hair away from her eyes. "You _are _a headache."

Wolf's comeback was immediate. "Your face is a headache."

"Your mom is a headache."

"Your grandma is a headache."

"Ha!" Fuchsia cried out in triumph. "I don't have a grandma. You never imagined one."

Wolf's face scrunched up a bit. "Well, Darth Douche-a, you have one now! Her name is Sylvia Khan and she's a mathemologist!"

Fuchsia rolled her eyes. "You mean a mathematician."

"Whatever. And why do you care? You're a traitor to geekdom." Wolf sighed as she snuggled into the couch, shivering a bit. "You're a traitor to me." Fuchsia glared, but Wolf shook her head. "I _know _that look. You know I'm right but you also have to point something out. Don't make up any lies, now."

Waffle leaned in to whisper in Anakin's ear. "I _did _pick up cough drops and not pot, right?"

"If you think this is bad," replied Anakin ruefully. "then you should've seen the hallucinogenic pineapple from this summer."

They both quieted as Fuchsia finally responded. "You can be a hypocrite, Wolf. You ditched me in your mind! It's like Wonderland on Red Bull in there! I was stuck in there for years until I found the edges. I'll admit the nightmares were a tad overdramatic, but they had to be in order for me to escape."

"And what about your preppy personality?" Wolf said darkly. "I suppose the Sith teach you about what shoes are currently in season as well as how to draw and quarter villagers?"

A moan from Fuchsia, and then movement. She leaned forward in her seat, giving Wolf an icy stare. "I would _never _be like that, Wolf. You depict me as some revolting serial killer, but I am _far _from that. I'm only doing half of this because of you. You know that, right? I may be a platypus, but I am not a loon. I still like bacon bits and _Star Wars, _and though I have become rather fond of designer brands and Chihuahuas, I am still Melinda Khan. I will only keep going until you finally fail."

Wolf smirked a bit, though it was a facade. "Well that's highly unlikely."

"Oh, sure! Even the mighty Wolf will fall eventually. You may not shed a tear right now, not even when you broke your neck or watched _The Fox and the Hound, _but you will." Fuchsia now sat back down, satisfied.

Waffle and Anakin exchanged nervous glances, Anakin feeling particularly nonplussed. This conversation certainly was a far sight from the usual banter of the mansion. With a plastered on grin, Waffle rose. "Okay it's time for organized song! Who likes The Beatles?"

* * *

Myst, a trail of fragrant perfume following in her footsteps, trod lightly through the halls of the mansion. Behind her were a gaggle of boys, drooling obscenely. Luke walked at her side. "So, sister, where would you like to go?"

Myst smiled, a dazzling sight in itself. She flourished her teeth, a perfect example of perfection, and said, "I need to polish my swords." And she pulled three katanas out of thin air. The hilts were platinum. "These swords are amazing. I used them valiantly to conquer the evil Voldymort and Emperor Palpies. I also should find another gold-plated gun for my personal use. Do you have any spares? I also require wondrous silver bullets, but platinum is fine too."

"I'm not sure if we-Hi, Obi-Wan! Have you met my half-sister?"

Obi-Wan regarded the epic Myst with a scrutinizing eye. They widened before he sprinted off.

"Huh," Luke muttered. "What was that about?"

* * *

_"A singer in a smoky room! Smell of wine and cheap perfume! For a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and-"_

Unfortunately, Anakin's comlink buzzing interrupted the delightful sing-along. "Can it, you guys," he spoke to the others as Waffle led them through a loopy chorus. Wolf and Fuchsia kept chuckling during the song, waving around like tranquilized chimpanzees. Waffle continued to wave her fingers like a conductor, almost as if she were John Williams himself. Anakin rolled his eyes. "Skywalker here," he said into the comm.

_"Anakin!" _It was Obi-Wan. _"Where are you? We have a problem!"_

Anakin cast an anxious glance towards Wolf and Fuchsia. Wolf was now on her knees, playing air guitar. _"Oh the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on!"_

"Obi-Wan, I have quite a case on my hands as well."

_"Anakin," _Obi-wan reprimanded. _"I just found myself face-to-face with a living, breathing-"_

CRASH! "I'll take to you later, Master! Send the kids my regards!"

_"Anakin, don't even try to hang up on-"_

Anakin swiftly shut down the comlink and turned to the source of panic: Waffle had leapt off the coffee table in an epic air guitar finale. "KEEP IT DOWN, YOU THREE!" he bellowed before pondering the situation. The cough drops would probably keep Wolf and Fuchsia in la la land for two to three hours, and there was absolutely no way he could lead them into combat while they remained loopy. So until the defective cough drops wore off, him and Waffle were stuck with this pair of bumbling psychopaths.

To pass the time, Waffle had Wolf and Fuchsia sing more classics and Anakin examined Fuchsia's quarters. Among the quirks were rainbow lamps, a glow in the dark beanbag chair, and, strangest of all, a lack of metal surfaces. Making sure Fuchsia was out of it, Anakin reached out with the Force and summoned her lightsaber. it smacked into his hand, and Anakin was not surprised by the rubber coating on the hilt.

"Hey, Wolfie..." Anakin muttered so her darker counterpart could not hear. Wolf leaned forwards, listening intently. "Why is there a lack of metal here?"

"Fuchsia has static electricity issues. She sizzles like a cheeseburger every time she touches metal. Therefore, she cannot use vending machines, which is just fine because one could suddenly collapse on her. Thirteen people die a year by being crushed by vending machines, you know. I'm holding a candlelit memorial session next week for them. Bring pineapple." Wolf went back to the others, shaking her head at the idiocy of vending machine companies. Anakin scratched his scalp in utter confusion...as usual.

* * *

Nemesis couldn't resist the shudders. Somewhere, somehow, Wolf was being stupid without her partner in crime, and that bothered Nemesis quite a bit. Sighing, she fiddled with her rhubarb bread, glancing around the empty cafeteria. Only Blaze, R2-D2, and C-3PO kept her company. Speaking of them, Blaze sat down next to Nemesis with a huff, and Artoo and Threepio skedaddled up to them as well.

The silence was tense. Blaze kept crumpling her bag of Oreos to a point where only crumbs could possibly remain. Finally, Nemesis snapped. "What's wrong with you?"

Blaze seethed in annoyance, tossing her wrapper towards the garbage can. "There's some psycho going around, saying she's Anakin's daughter! How does that make any sense?"

Surprised, Nemesis dropped her rhubarb bread onto the dusty table. "Excuse me?" She looked to the droids for confirmation.

Threepio nodded in assent, speaking in his pompous tone, "Why yes, Master Nemesis. I believe there was a peculiar woman-" Artoo interrupted the prissy droid with a series of indignant beeps. Threepio glomped the little astromech. "How rude! Artoo, you should really use your manners. She was quite charming, if I do say so myself."

"She's a moron!" Blaze cried. "Not charming at all! Artoo's right."

Artoo twittered, and Threepio smacked him again. "What do you mean, I'm always wrong? You're the one who can't distinguish a power socket from a computer terminal, and- No, you're not the real star of the movies! It does not _matter _how many times you saved Master Anakin and Master Luke, you're still- Oh, quit it! You stupid little astro droid!"

The double doors of the cafeteria swung open as Obi-Wan arrived on the scene. Immediately he was all talk. "Nemesis! Blaze! There's some mad girl out on the loose, and I believe she's a Mary-"

"_Mary Sue?" _Blaze and Nemesis blurted together. Then Nemesis spoke first. "Wait a minute. Obi-Wan...how do you know what a Mary Sue is?"

Obi-Wan gave his usual groan of exasperation. "Please do not ask."

Blaze talked next. "Alright, where is this Sue who's claiming to be Anakin's daughter? She. Must. Die."

"I'll call Wolf," said Nemesis. "She's bound to know _something." _Nemesis dialed Wolf's number on her cell phone.

One ring-

Two rings-

Three-

"_Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"_

Though it wasn't audible, Nemesis moaned at Wolf's choice of greetings. "Wolf, we have a Sue problem."

"_A Sue? How did she get here? Did a swallow carry her?"_

Now Nemesis was ticked. "Wolf, we have some freak of nature running around-"

"_Well, I hope you two have a nice life together!" _Wolf's words seemed slurred. _"Meanwhile, my bestest buddy and I are going to play poker with poodles while the alligators eat CD players and poop out music. Musical farts! Ha ha! Hey you, Watermelon Wonder of the Dark Side, did you hear that one?" _Over the phone, someone cackled with glee.

Nemesis lowered the phone from her ear, alarmed. "Wolf sounds like crap, guys," she announced. She raised the phone again. "Wolf, if you don't get your butt over here I'm going to take this on my own."

"_Fine! Be that way, Donatello! Raphael and I are going to be having fun here! On our own! With Waffle and Anakin, who will take your place! I hope you're happy!"_

"Wolf...are you high?"

There was a crash, and Nemesis could pick up the sounds of a scuffle over the receiver. Then another voice spoke instead, _"Hey, Nemesis. Sorry our meeting's under creepy circumstances, but I'm Waffle. Wolf and Darth Fuchsia ate some defective cough drops. They're all loopy, and- NO, Melinda or whatever your name is, I don't want a seagull for Christmas. I want a hippopotamus. Only a hippopotamus will do. Anyways, Nemesis, we'll get back to you when they're not being idiots."_

The line went dead. Nemesis stomped her foot in frustration.

* * *

In a hallway, a glittering, glorious, fantastic hallway, Myst walked wondrously with her best friends, admirers tailing her. Her hair billowed, though everyone else's remained flat. She waved jubilantly at a passerby, her glittery white teeth flashing. "Hello!"

The passerby stopped in her tracks, eyes bulging. She pointed with an accusing finger. "Hey, you're a Mary Sue!"

Myst giggled, the tune of perfection being music to everyone's ears. "Who, me? That's complete nonsense, unless a Mary Sue is so beautiful it's a curse, which I am. WHY CAN'T I BE FREAKING NORMAL! AGH!"

Myst collapsed to the floor in righteous angst. The sympathetic crowd all but rushed to comfort her. Luna rolled her eyes and said, "Wangsty, wangsty. Mary Sues are also evil death traps."

At this point, Luna was forced to run for her life, an outraged crowd hot on her heels. None of them were hotter than Myst, though. So they all said.

* * *

"So, like, isn't kidnapping just surprise adoption?" Fuchsia asked, frowning as she rubbed her chin.

Wolf shrugged sluggishly. "If you're planning suicide and you have MPD is it a hostage situation? You tell me, Pooky. By the way, I need materials for my pineapple launcher."

Waffle sniffed, glancing at her cell phone's clock. If her guesses were correct, they'd be here for one more hour. To pass the time, her and Anakin had been watching Pirates of the Caribbean, which Fuchsia simply could not resist quoting mercilessly. It really irritated Anakin, whose hand was constantly inching towards his saber. The worst part was that Fuchsia already knew this.

"Yes!" she mimicked in time with Elizabeth Swann. "The rum is gone!"

Wolf joined in with reckless abandon. "But why is the rum gone?"

"THAT IS IT!" Anakin screeched with fury. "YOU TWO ARE GOING TO DIE AND I WON'T EVEN TRY TO STOP MY-"

Anakin halted mid-speech as Wolf and Fuchsia collapsed to the floor, convulsing and frothing at the mouth. Kind of like your mom! Ha, ha...oh that wasn't funny.

"Sithspit!" Anakin shouted, fumbling around for anything that could help. Waffle, being smarter than Anakin, ran to the kitchen and returned to them with an odd instrument, salt, and coffee. "They're showing signs of poisoning," she explained, holding up the instrument. "Well, so this scanner says. Fuchsia kept one of these things handy with her torture devices. It may not make sense, but...Pour the salt and coffee down their throats to make them throw up."

Anakin complied. Unfortunately, though Wolf and Fuchsia purged the poison from their bodies, it ended up on Anakin's robes. The two gradually stopped their cell phone-like vibrating and shakily sat on the cough. "I feel like I've been steamrolled," Fuchsia moaned in agony.

Wolf grunted.

* * *

Despite size issues, Nemesis and Obi-Wan succeeded in stuffing themselves into the air vent, going off for their part of the epically awesome master plan. Even though Nemesis kept booting Obi-Wan in the face, they pressed on.

Obi-Wan received yet another boot to the head when Nemesis's cell phone began to ring. "The Imperial March" echoed throughout the ventilation shaft until Nemesis answered the call, speaker phone on. "Wolf, I have one question for you: Defective cough drops? Are you guys really that stupid?"

_"First of all," _Wolf's clear and concise words rang. _"that was two questions, not one. Second, they were overly medicated. How exactly were we supposed to know that?"_

"Put Anakin on the line," Obi-Wan ordered.

There was a shuffling sound over the phone, and then, _"Skywalker here."_

Anakin expected a scolding from his former Master. Nemesis anticipated some dry humor. But neither had foreseen Obi-Wan's true reaction.

"ANAKIN SKYWALKER, I AM GOING TO BRUTALLY MURDER YOU!"

On his end, Anakin nearly dropped the cell phone, stunned even more than when Wolf had randomly blurted Leia's parentage. "What? Obi-Wan, what's going on?"

"YOU LEFT ME WITH THAT MARY SUE! I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO PULL SOME CRAPPY FAN FICTION MANEUVER LIKE I'VE READ SO MANY TIMES-"

Nemesis's jaw sank to the bottom of the vent, where it made a violent thud. _"You're _a fan fiction author?"

Though Obi-Wan's face now bore a semblance to Darth Maul's crimson tattoos, he managed a weak nod. "Wanton Kenobi has written six stories for Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and Pirates of the Caribbean."

"That's sad," Nemesis deadpanned.

_"You're telling me," _said another voice. However, this was not Wolf, and so Nemesis found herself accidentally banging her head against the vent in shock. "Fuchsia!"

_"Actually, her name's Jazzy McFizzbottoms." _This was definitely Wolf.

_"Can it, She-Wolf Shakira." _Obi-Wan could've sworn these two bickered like him and Anakin on crack. _"So what must you bugger us with? I still have to kill Wolf, you know."_

Nemesis, being the one with the comlink as well as the one not experiencing pheromone difficulties due to a psychotic mess of flawed perfection, answered the Sith apprentice. "It seems we have a Mary Sue infestation. Some chick calling herself Misty Antibiotic Sausage or something like that is gallivanting around in a persuasive manner."

_"I don't believe that sentence makes any sense," _said Fuchsia.

"Neither do most of her sentences. She's been hacking that narration, using this horrid, flowery script instead of the norm. It's up to us to exterminate this little fleshy ball of corny dialogue and cheap taste."

Fuchsia was none too enthusiastic. _"Nemesis, Obi-Wan, I'd be absolutely _delighted _to help your charming cause, but I have a strict hit list, and these people must die before I go off lollygagging. Wolf's currently only number three on my to-kill! Do you realize how much work I have to do?"_

"Was Nemesis asking you, funk bag?" Though Nemesis knew this was the most peculiar phrase that had even come from the mouth of Obi-Wan Kenobi, she somewhat agreed with it. Alright, she had absolutely no clue what a funk bag was, but Obi-Wan drew a blank too.

_"I'll help," _said Wolf after a bit. _"I'm always ready to help destroy the forces of evil, and Mary Sues...suck. Darthy Darth, Waffle, and Ani Bo Bani are coming too. So where now?"_

"Meet me at Rendezvous Pumpkin-Blade." Nemesis cut off the call, and now all Obi-Wan could do was worry about the ludicrous code names.

* * *

Though it was extraordinarily rare, there were days Boba Fett worried about the state of the world. This was one of those days.

It all began when he spotted Luke Skywalker listening intently to an unfamiliar teenager with ridiculously long hair and an obnoxious voice. It seemed to Fett that she sang every single sentences. Honestly, Fett didn't give jack if she was a soprano (she was).

His suspicion escalated when he saw the gaggle of guys chasing after this particularly vapid female. However, it was when he witnessed them assaulting Luna Lovegood that the alarm bells began ringing.

Fett had just been chilling, listening to P!nk in a cozy alcove when the blonde psychopath rushed past him, the bloodthirsty crowd hot on her heels. Fett still found it extremely hard to believe Ron Weasley and Harry Potter would dare to attack their close friend in such a murderous rage. What was going on?

That's when it hit him. _Her. _That new chick was screwing with their minds! well...it wasn't his problem. Not until someone paid him, and _not _with cookies or rotten fruit either.

At that moment, the demon child herself wandered over to his, Legolas latched to one arm and Aragorn to the other. "Hello, Boba Fett!" The lofty voice seemed lofty to all outsiders, but once it was filtered through Fett's helmet it sounded off, almost creepy.

Fett decided to remain aloof. "And you might be?"

She flashed a glittery, luscious smile. "I am My name is Mysteria Mystica Raven Angelina Amethyst Serenity Jasmine Rosaline Snapdragon. You may call me Myst, and that's spelled with a 'Y'!"

Fett was seriously tempted to shoot himself in the temple. "And why should I do business with you?"

She gave him an "Are you that stupid?" look. "Uh, hello? I'm _hot."_

"But will you pay me?"

Now her look flipped to a "That's disgusting!" mien. "What's wrong with you? I am too good for that!"

Facepalm on Fett's part. "That just proves your own values. You want perfection, I want money. I may be greedy, but at least I'll admit it. Later, airhead."

Wolf would probably make Fett pay for damage, but Fett didn't give a care as he activated his jet pack and blasted outside, leaving a man-shaped hole in the wall.

Myst stared at Fett's legacy, wondering why the man had been so rude to her majestic wonderfulness. Something was up. Flashing another smile at her male companions, she pressed a manicured finger to a necklace on her pretty neck and gasped, her captivating lips forming an "O" of astonishment. "They are plotting my demise!"

"Egad!" cried her followers. "Whatever shall we do?"

Myst's superlative face twisted into an expression of pure determination and stuff. "Like, we're going to stop them!"

* * *

To this day, no one understands why Wolf built the room. Basically, it was a set of cliffs balanced precariously over an ocean of pistachio pudding. The pudding was rendered useless due to the electric eels swimming about in its depths.

Nemesis peered down into the murky abyss. "Wolf, sometimes I worry about your sanity."

Wolf was just as puzzled as she was. "Hey, I didn't build this room. All I said for this rendezvous point was the third floor, navy blue hallway, second door to the right."

"So this could've been a pit of crocodiles and we'd have never known!" Obi-Wan exclaimed, agitated. Frankly, he was still ticked about being left with a Sue. He blamed Anakin.

Fuchsia went to whack Wolf upside the head, but the young ninja wannabe succeeded in ducking away. "Stuff it, Darth Honeydew. We have work to do."

"Well, it's not like we won't have the time to do it." Waffle was grinning from ear to ear as she said this.

"And why is that?" scoffed Boba Fett, who had managed to call Nemesis and work the rendezvous point from her.

Waffle, hands on her hips in a triumphant gesture, shook her head. "Did you hear about how many words she wastes in her narrations?"

"Yes..." trailed off Obi-Wan. He was pretty sure he knew where this was heading.

* * *

Riding on a majestic horse, Myst cantered towards the door containing the malicious conspirators. Behind her was her army of loyal servants, all carrying weaponry and glistening with sweat. Halting for a seventh time, she summoned Legolas. He caressed her silky, soft, luxurious hair, and she released a joyous giggle. The crowd sighed.

The door was before them. Myst the Magnificent (It seemed like a fitting name) raised her voice. "Today, we fight for the glory of what we all love...me! But bear in mind that I adore you all, my loyal subjects! This shall be gory and outright horrible, but we shall prevail!"

The crowd cheered, but Harry whispered to Ron, "Doesn't she mean 'downright horrible'?"

"What are you talking about" said Ron quizzically.

"Never mind."

Hair flailing in the wind like an aquamarine halo, Myst opened the door, her troops immediately following in her path-

Only to find themselves all free falling down the cliff.

Not too far away, Luna carefully worked her ways as she rescued the group's actual friends but leaving Myst to descend into the pistachio pudding and electric eels. "I feel as though she wasted too much time on that terrible narration. Do you think she has Lorax Pox?"

"Who cares?" said Anakin with a shrug. "It gave us enough time to move that door!"

"Wuv. Twu wuv," Waffle said in an imitation of The Impressive Clergyman. "I guess Myst's supposed twu wuv wasn't enough to save her sorry butt, isn't that-"

"Wrong!" Speak of the devil. Mysteria Mystica Raven Angelina Amethyst Serenity Jasmine Rosaline Snapdragon was walking towards them, two lightsabers in her hands and one in her mouth.

Wolf's glare darkened. "Who are you supposed to be? Roronoa Zolo?" And then she finally noticed who was before her.

From his stance, Anakin heard Fuchsia's breath hitch, and her Force presence darkened drastically. "You!" She pointed an accusatory finger at the Mary Sue. "You're the reason I was lost in Wolf's mind, you evil-"

"Please, Melinda! Let us be civilized," Myst held up a calming hand, and Anakin felt some sort of cold and mysterious air pass over.

He couldn't resist a shudder as he said, "Wait, you guys know each other?"

Slightly trembling, Wolf finally managed to answer, "She was my second imaginary friend. Well, she _was _until..."

* * *

_The willowy girl with aquamarine hair grinned cherubically at her two companions, both sitting down on the concrete curb. "Hey guys, I have an idea..."_

_Wolf and Melinda glanced at her, Wolf's look curious and Melinda's withering. "What now, knucklehead?"_

_Wolf swatted Melinda's head. "Come on, chillax! What's the idea?"_

_The girl grinned widely at him. "Well, when we were watching those _Star Wars _movies I couldn't help but notice how Anakin was pretty good-looking...So I think I want a boyfriend too. And superpowers. Those sound pretty awesome."_

_Wolf's eyes nearly bugged out of her head. "Okay, I'll admit the powers sound fun, but...a boyfriend? A _freaking _boyfriend? Where did that come from?"_

_Melinda rose from her seat. "It sounds like somebody needs sorting out..."_

_Melinda's opposition raised one eyebrow. "And what is that supposed to mean?"_

_Melinda gestured violently with her arms, waving them around like she was being attacked by killer bees. "It means I'm sick of your garbage! You're always parading around like you're better than me, than us-"_

_"I _am _better than you!"_

_"That's bull!" Now Fuchsia was furious; Wolf could only watch with growing horror as her two friends duked it out, realizing she had brought two enemies into existence, someone...or maybe even more than one, who only cared for themselves. Neither of them thought of Wolf's own emotional state at the moment, and Wolf wasn't considering the amount of anger Melinda was experiencing. _

_Melinda continued from here. "You think you are your own special brand of perfect, don't you?"_

_"Well, I'm better than you!" Now she pointed an accusatory finger at Melinda. "The two of you are hypocrites! You try to act all high and mighty yourselves, and you're just envious of me!"_

_"Envious? Are you on drugs?" Melinda's hands were clenched into fists. Behind her, Wolf sat, fearing the outcome of this confrontation. Like the audience of a horror movie, Wolf gazed with wide eyes upon the spectacle._

_"No! You're both so...pathetic! Wolf's masochistic, annoying, and bossy. You have anger management issues and hold grudges! Besides, that's just to start. we're forgetting about Wolf's acne and your eczema or whatever it's called..."_

_"And you're a vain female dog!" Melinda shot back. The other girl chose this moment to lash out. Using terrifying superhuman strength, she yanked a stop sign from the ground and took a swing at Melinda. The metal reacted badly with Melinda's own little disability, electrocuting her upon contact, though not seriously. _

_Grimacing, Melinda rose, dodged another swing, and delivered a right hook to the enemy's jaw. She staggered backwards a bit but countered with a violent jab to Melinda's stomach. The stop sign knocked the breath from Melinda and she collided with a crunch. _

_The girl grinned viciously, raising the stop sign high for a final blow - Only to drop the stop sign in puzzlement as her entire body began to flicker. "What the-"_

_"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" Wolf screeched with terror. _

_Melinda, too, began fading slightly, though the enemy was the first to go. Melinda was reduced to begging, blood spurting from her mouth all the while. "Wolf, please! I didn't do anything, please just stop-"_

_Wolf looked away, unable to watch. Tears ran down her cheek at the sight of all this betrayal. She did not feel anything; she just wanted them both gone. "No...I'm going insane...I have to...stop..."_

_Mentally and emotionally exhausted, Wolf sank into the embrace of unconsciousness as Melinda blinked out of reality._

* * *

"You nearly killed me!" Fuchsia shouted.

"You started it!" Myst shot back.

"And what's up with your new name, anyways? In my eyes, you'll always be-"

Myst's eyes clouded with rage. "Don't you dare call me-"

"Call you what? Josh? Well, it's your name!"

Everyone other than Myst, Fuchsia, and Wolf descended into snickers. Myst shot them a withering look, then decided to change the subject. "Who would like to join my all powerful sources? I can make you epic!"

Waffle waved at hand in dismissal. "I fart in your general direction."

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries," Nemesis piqued.

"Then you shall die a glorifying death at my hand and sword! Die!" At this, Myst activated her purple and gold lightsabers, tossing aside the third one in favor of talking freely.

"I'm pretty sure the last part of your sentence was redundant," Anakin muttered, but he could not insult Myst any further. For it was now she let out a chilling melody, summoning forth her army.

And come her army did. It seemed to consist of every living creature known to man. Bunnies that strongly resembled the dooming one from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail, _deer with seemingly innocent yet sharpened antlers, and an assortment of other creatures. There were even some dragon, though they bore none of Orion's friendliness.

"We'll take out the animals!" Anakin said to Wolf, motioning towards himself, Obi-Wan, Fett, and Luna. "You guys destroy that freak of nature."

Anakin hopped away from Wolf, lightsaber ignited...and just in time, too, for Myst's gold lightsaber came hurtling where his head formerly had been.

Waffle managed to yank Wolf backwards, shoving Nemesis and Fuchsia in the process. They collided with the ground several yards away from the Mary Sue. Nemesis gazed at her comrades. "Alright, we need a plan."

Fuchsia clearly thought differently, though. Absorbed by rage, she rushed at Myst, rose lightsaber ignited. Myst merely flicked a finger, sending Fuchsia back to smack into a boulder with a sickening thud. She did not rise.

_Now _Wolf was ticked off. "Group huddle, everyone!" Rather than attacking, Myst glanced at the little gathering. Wolf, Nemesis, and Waffle all closed in like a miniature and rather deranged football team. "Okay, I think I'm going to go in first. Maybe I can stop her if I don't have to worry about hitting someone else."

The others sank back as Wolf rushed at Myst, licorice whip in hand. She took a swing...and the blade bounced harmlessly off Myst's skin. She rolled her eyes before flinging a ball of ice at Wolf's gut, sending Wolf flying right into Nemesis.

Oddly enough, Myst gave them another reprieve as they had another group huddle. This time Nemesis spoke. "Maybe my banana sword will have an effect!"

Nemesis, unsheathing her rarely used banana sword, soared towards Myst - only to soar _back _in the same direction as Myst manipulated a wind current.

* * *

Meanwhile, the others were having better luck with the animals. Fett was riding on a dragon's back, all the while singing. Yes, Boba Fett was actually _singing. _

"_Black Betty, bam ba lam! Oh, Black Betty, bam ba lam! Black Betty had a child, bam ba lam! Bad thing gone wild bam ba lam!"_

Luna had arrived at an epiphany, and she told the others of this as she fought two of the rabbits. "The Mary Sue is like taking a shopping trip. You head inside a Costco, expecting bundles of joy and free samples. Suddenly, the doors behind you lock for eternity and the greeters cheerfully remark, 'Welcome to Wal-Mart! Have fun rotting!'"

Anakin and Obi-wan could only nod in assent as they dueled with three lions. Anakin couldn't resist saying, "Simba, I am your father!"

"When this is over," Obi-Wan remarked. "I vote we all go on vacation in Majorca."

* * *

Myst had them cornered, Waffle had to admit. She had a virtually endless supply of powers at her disposal, and Waffle, Wolf, and Nemesis were totally helpless.

So what was wrong with a little suicide run? After all, she was pretty sure it would be better to die than to have someone as vapid as Myst running the world. Summoning years of cheerleading and gymnastics skills, she aimed one combination of a flying kick and a toe touch.

She sent Myst spiraling off the edge of the cliff.

Wolf and Nemesis could only gape. Finally, Wolf said in awe, "Did you just kick the invincible Mary Sue off a cliff?"

Alas, it was all for nothing. The blasted Mary Sue actually flew forward and delivered a vicious uppercut to Waffle's nose. "Did you really think that would kill me? You foolish mortals! I'm invinci-"

And then Darth Fuchsia's lightsaber ran straight through Myst's chest. The Sue barely managed to scream out, "YOU EVIL BI-" before she imploded, leaving nothing but a smoldering pile of ash and a malevolent pool of a black acid-like ooze.

Wolf couldn't help a sigh of relief. "She's gone..." she said, falling to her knees. "That monster is finally gone."

Fuchsia didn't seem to spare Myst...or Josh, as her real name was, another thought. "See you later, frenemy," she said to Wolf in a shadowy manner, before sprinting out the door and back to her life...her new life, though she would still remain Palpatine's apprentice. She had some thinking to do.

In celebration, Anakin and Obi-Wan did a belly bump and Luna and Fett even tapped knuckles. Waffle fist pumped. "Pizza Hut sounds amazing at the moment."

Nemesis regarded the awakening crowd of Myst's former army, then she recalled their previous times at Pizza Hut. After all this fighting..."You know what? Let's order delivery."

* * *

**I am so sorry it took so long. I've been working on this for a month! Anyways, what do you think of the story's new angle? I actually enjoy writing the darker tones. This is my favorite and best chapter.**

**For five points, tell me what you think of Fuchsia now. For ten points, try to guess the next group of characters to come in! I'll post the House points next chapter.**


	35. Raising Shell

**No one correctly guessed what characters would be entering. The title of this chapter says all, if you are a cartoon viewer, comic reader, or just an ordinary moviegoer in general. Actually, the reference is pretty obvious to most people overall. But why spoil it to the few who don't understand?**

**...And yes, the beginning is dark.**

**Disclaimer: This author does not own **_**Star Wars, TMNT, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Matrix, The Devil Wears Prada, Mulan, Star Trek, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, **_**Wii,** **Lego, Prada, M&M's, Snack Pack, Scene It, Pez, Nemesis, Waffle, or any of the songs/music artists used or mentioned in this chapter. **

**This chapter takes place anytime during TMNT's season four after "The Prodigal Son."**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Raising Shell**

Luke Skywalker's lightsaber slashed through yet another one of the droids, a grimace on the Jedi's face. Beside him, Obi-Wan Kenobi deflected several blaster bolts back at a droideka, the Force flowing through his mind and body. Mentally, Luke was smacking himself for his utter stupidity. He should've seen the ambush coming! What had gone wrong? Had the Force forsaken him?

"Come on, Ben!' he shouted to Obi-Wan, before Force-jumping to high ground. Obi-Wan followed shortly afterwards, lightsaber still ablaze.

"Luke," he spoke, once they were sure they at least had temporary safety. "I really think we should form a plan."

"Oh yes, because a plan is the _last _thing we need right now, Captain Obvious!" Luke groaned irritably.

"I doubt that, General Ironic," Obi-Wan responded levelly. "Luke, we need to-"

The wall next to them exploded, and hordes of droids waltzed in. When had Emperor Palpatine started using droids? Luke couldn't help but wonder this as he flicked his lightsaber menacingly. Obi-Wan tensed, his normally mild presence in the Force morphing into one of annoyance. "Luke! Watch your back-"

Luke barely twisted in time to catch the bolts soaring towards the small of his back. He couldn't count the droids anymore; they were truly innumerable. On and on they fought, slicing through droidekas and disemboweling battle droids and-

Then Obi-Wan's lightsaber clattered to the ground, a look of horror upon his face. "Frack!" he swore. "If I die _again-"_

Then Obi-Wan Kenobi collapsed to the ground, never to breathe again.

Luke let out a howl of animalistic rage. Obi-Wan couldn't be dead! Not _again! _Oh, what would Anakin say about this? Heck, would Luke ever hear from his father again? If he did, how would either of them bear the loss of their dear friend.

Luke didn't want to bear the loss at all...but he had to survive long enough to avenge his beloved mentor.

Screaming, determination pouring from him in eons, his hurled his lightsaber precisely-

And the entire world cracked before fading to black.

"Shavit!" Luke exclaimed. "Every single time!"

Something white and shiny smacked Luke right in the face, right before Luke swatted the same area the object had been previously occupying.

"You have poor reflexes, Luke," sighed Obi-Wan with a slightly exasperated shake of his head. "How many times have I told you? _Wear the Wii remote's wrist strap!"_

From his seat in an armchair, Anakin Skywalker rolled his eyes before jotting down something on a scrap paper. He grinned slightly before smothering a snicker. "You're treating Luke's Wii remote like my lightsaber, Obi-Wan."

"It's kind of sad," added Harry from his seat in a bean bag chair.

Obi-Wan's look of pure vexation could only be rivaled by a ravenous Wookie at Olive Garden who did not receive breadsticks. "Anakin! That lightsaber is your life, an extension of yourself and your Force presence! You should be mindful-"

"Bingo!" exclaimed Aragorn gleefully. He was perched on the windowsill, eagerly scribbling on his own slip of paper.

Luke fumbled for his own paper and Harry and Anakin moaned in defeat, while an agitated Obi-Wan asked, "What are you talking about?"

At this moment, Luke shirked back into the shadowy area next to the television, hopefully out of Obi-Wan's line of sight. This would not be pretty, and that became obvious as Anakin began the explanation.

"You see, Obi-Wan...Master. I was sitting upstairs a week after the Myst-" At this point everyone shuddered. "-incident, watching some old game show on television, when I was struck by the thought that you constantly repeat most of the same words and phrases. It's always, like, 'Your lightsaber is your life' or 'Be mindful of your feelings.' It's so bad that no one ever pays attention to you anymore while you lecture us, even when you're actually teaching.

"So then I got a marvelous idea: Why not make a game out of it all? I wrote down some of the words and phrases you say often onto some papers and made them into Benny Bingo cards!"

Luke plainly saw vein throbbed near Obi-Wan's eye twitch violently. "Benny...Bingo..."

Luke tried to wave a warning at his father, but Anakin was once again caught up in either recklessness, rebelliousness, or sheer stupidity, because he nodded in affirmation to the extremely agitated Jedi Master. "Sir, yes, sir! I got 'lightsaber', 'Force', 'feeling', 'use', and 'Force' on my card. How about you guys?"

Obi-Wan gnashed his teeth, causing Anakin, Harry, and Aragorn to leap back in alarm. Luke had already taken several steps away to temporary shelter. he didn't have to outrun Obi-wan...he only had to outrun his friends. His conscious, for once, was not against this. On the contrary, it was practically screaming at him "RUN YOUR BUTT OFF, LUKE!"

Obi-Wan managed to regain some of his composure, breathing deeply to calm himself...for the moment. "Anakin, Harry, Aragorn, Luke," he said with a semblance of tranquility. "I have a little present for you. It nearly rhymes with 'shooter and I'm terribly sorry it's such a below the belt maneuver, but...you have had this coming."

Anakin gulped. Aragorn cackled. Harry whimpered a bit.

Luke had already fled from the irate Obi-Wan's wrath to the mansion's outside by the time the other three were running for their lives.

Harry, Anakin, and Aragorn shoved the mansion's double doors open. They were shortly followed by Obi-Wan, lightsaber ignited. "Get back here, you yellow-!"

"You've been hanging around Waffle too much, Obi-Wan!" Anakin screeched over his shoulder, preventing Obi-Wan from completing the _Monty Python and the Holy Grail _quote. Unfortunately, Anakin, Aragorn, and Harry found themselves soon facing a new obstacle: a fork in the road. Three different paths split off in different directions. Joy.

Glancing back, they saw Obi-Wan slowly gaining. The three partners-in-crime faced each other, possibly for the last time. Anakin pointed to the road on the far right. "I'll take that road. Aragorn, you take the left and Harry can have the center."

Aragorn mock bowed. "Oh yes, wise Jedi Master." Then he glared. "We know what to do, knucklehead."

So they set off. Moments later, Harry, still sprinting, heard Anakin give a horrible scream...and Harry knew he was next. Desperate, he searched the area for an escape plan, finding nothing...except a man hole not too far away.

Harry wrinkled up his nose. A sewer? Well, it carried about the same amount of filth as the Slytherin Common room. Why not? Briefly remembering the Chamber of Secrets, Harry descended down the ma hole, pulling the cover back over behind him and hoping furiously that this sewer didn't contain a basilisk. It wasn't long before Harry found yet another unwanted visitor in the sewers.

"What are you doing here" Harry asked the fellow intruder.

Luke waved a dismissive hand, his eyes shut. "Quiet, Harry. In front of us is a well-hidden door. I'm using the Force to get past its intricate lock system. This may take a few minutes..."

Harry, stifling a giggle, pointed his wand and whispered, _"Alohomora."_

The locks all clicked open in a single second. Harry grinned at Luke, who had opened his eyes. "My method is a bit more convenient," he said as the door opened of its own accord. "Faster, you know."

As Harry waltzed in, Luke muttered in a mocking, sing-song voice, "Is the Dark Side stronger? No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive." Saying that last word with an overdramatic flourishing of his hands, Luke entered the chamber as well, only to stop in his path.

Instead of a complex mass of pipes, they discovered a furnished living room complete with couch, television, and all other typical items of furniture plus many, many random items. In the corner were several ski ball machines, a chandelier of old pop cans hung from the ceiling, and an enormous pineapple pyramid was sprawled about ten feet from Harry and Luke.

"Is this place deserted?" Harry immediately queried.

Luke's brow creased in concentration. "Let's see, I think..."

"Are you two just going to stand there or do I have to force feed you cough drops?"

Luke yelped in sheer fright, and Harry nearly lost his trousers as he leapt a good yard or so into the air. The both twisted only to find Waffle, who was smirking as though they were gummy bears and she was going to bite their heads off.

Luke managed to sputter, "Very funny, Waffle!"

Harry, on the other hand, had to ask, "Um, Waffle? Why cough drops?"

Waffle squirmed, and Luke could practically hear her mind whirring as she recalled some past experience. "It's a long story involving defective medicine and a Sith. Trust me, it's boring. Why are you guys here, anyways?"

The both ignored her, preferring to explore this exotic lair. Harry was admiring a shimmering fountain of what appeared to be apple cider, and Luke ambled towards a minuscule, blocky replica of Hogwarts. Waving a teeny, boxy Voldemort around, he said, "You know what? Lego Voldemort is about as scary as a chinchilla in a tutu. "

"Or perhaps a poodle in a poncho," added Nemesis. she had just appeared, head bent over Luke's shoulder, causing Luke to yelp a second time.

"Why do you guys do that?" he shrieked girlishly, his voice still a tad too high for a man his age.

Nemesis, as usual, shrugged, though she clearly knew the answer. "Well..."

"Oh, forget it," he spat, glowering at his surroundings. "Let me guess: Wolf's going to pop out from the kitchen and horrify us all with a platter of Wookie wantons?"

At the very mentioning of Wolf, both Nemesis and Waffle ceased their grinning and sighed, conveying feeling through a single breath each. "Wolf hasn't been the same since the Myst incident," Nemesis murmured mournfully.

Harry put down the metallic grapefruit he had been examining, a confused frown on his face. "What, has she been talking about pedicures and wearing as many pink articles of clothing as possible?"

"I wish," Waffle muttered, causing Luke and Harry to gape. what could possibly be worse than a feminine Wolf? "Actually, she hardly talks at all. She spends all of her free time locked in the dojo, only coming out when she needs to pee or go home."

"The _dojo? _How can she be Jedi training? She doesn't have Force powers!" Luke cried indignantly. Sometimes Wolf was an idiot; this was one of those occasions.

Nemesis shook her head. "She's not Jedi training. We really have no clue what's going on. Since Thanksgiving break started, she hasn't come out of there. It's been two days; do you think she's peeing into a bucket or something?"

"And then she drinks it for glorious hydration!" chimed in Harry, though no one laughed. On the contrary, Nemesis looked like she was going to strangle The Boy Who Had A Death Wish. He gulped before adding, "I can go check on her."

Nemesis huffed. "Alright then."

Tiptoeing as to not disturb the dojo's silence, Harry pulled out his wand and whispered for the second time that day, _"Alohomora." _The door opened with a faint _click, _and Harry sneaked inside to face the dragon.

Or, rather, the sleeping dragon. Harry had never seen such an awkward sleeping position. Wolf had one arm slung over several dumbbells and another curled around a bamboo tatami mat. One foot was propped on top of a bo staff, which was wedged between a chair and the wall, and her other foot simply lay on the floor. Both hands were still clenching katanas, and she was quietly snoring as well as muttering.

"Err...Wolf? Harry asked tentatively, fearing Wolf's reaction. He nervously shook her shoulder, earning an exhausted groan and a mumble. "Come on, Wolf, wake up..."

"No..." the girl groaned. "Shuddup, the flying toasters err here fer me," she slurred in her sleepy daze. "Don't hurt them...get out, get out..."

Now panicking slightly, Harry called out, "Guys, she isn't waking!"

Nemesis and Waffle rushed into the room, Luke dogging their footsteps. Nemesis decided to wake Wolf gently, and delivered a harsh slap to Wolf's face. This did not help. Wolf flung herself forward, right arm flying back, preparing to deliver a serious blow. She collided with Luke's gut, knocking the breath out of him, and was about to sink the katana into his shoulder blade when she finally seemed to wake. Eyes wide with horror, she quickly back away from Luke, hissing. She sounded like a deranged cat, which only served to scare everyone more.

Waffle was the first to regain her senses. "Wolf? Are you alright?"

It all seemed surreal, almost. One minute Wolf was huddled in the corner in some inner struggle, and the next she was calm and composed. "Yeah. Peachy," she responded, as though nothing had happened. "Did I fall asleep?"

Nonplussed, Harry nodded. Nemesis asked, "Why were you in here in the first place?"

Wolf crossed her arms. Immediately Luke remembered something Mara had told him about her college psychology classes she was currently taking, and that crossed arms were always the classic defensive posture. "Oh, I was journeying to the magical land of ponies with my talking umbrella so we can frolic through fields of daffodils. It's none of your business what I'm doing in here. I don't want an interrogation."

She brushed Nemesis's shoulder as she left, but she did not glance back at her friends. "Wow," Luke muttered. "Somebody sure crapped their pants this morning."

Harry decided to avoid the topic of Wolf's attitude and instead plugged his nose as it wrinkled up in disgust. "She really needs a shower."

While Harry and Luke continued to quibble about Wolf's many problems, Nemesis and Waffle scrambled after her, determined to find out what was wrong. It took the boys a few minutes to realize the others were missing, and then they followed after their friends right into the sewer tunnels.

* * *

"Wolfie! Wolfie!" Luke called out in a sing-song voice, which strongly made him seem native to the Middle East, despite the blond hair. "We need to talk with you!"

"Shut up, I just need some time to think!" Wolf's voice echoed through the tunnels, sound waves resounding off the walls.

"Come on, Wolf!" Waffle all but shouted. "We're only trying to help!"

"Here's an idea!" screamed the voice of a certain blond Jedi Knight. "How about you help _me _and get Obi-wan off my butt!" For Anakin Skywalker had just sprinted past Nemesis, Waffle, Luke, and Harry, shrieking with pain when Obi-Wan's lightsaber grazed his backside.

Finally deciding to come to his father's aid, Luke ignited his lightsaber and held it in Obi-Wan's path. Obi-Wan halted and there was a clatter of metal in the distance, followed by Wolf's shout of, "No freaking way."

"What?" Waffle hollered deep into the tunnel.

"No!" cried a deeper, mature voice that definitely did_ not _belong to Wolf. There were sounds of a scuffle, Wolf's cry of, "Stop!" and the sound of a lightsaber activating. Panicking slightly, images of a mutilated Wolf running through her thoughts, Nemesis darted ahead and hopefully towards Wolf, determined to stop a crisis if necessary.

In fact, it wasn't necessary at all. Nemesis, with the others right behind her, turned a corner a few minutes later and found something totally unexpected: Wolf was chatting up a storm with four giant turtles, a humongous rat, and two humans, a woman with vivid red hair and a man who strongly reminded Obi-Wan of a gorilla, though he did not state his opinion out loud.

"...And the show's been running for years now, though they've completed the latest series and will be showing a reboot next year," Wolf was saying to the new arrivals. One of the turtles nodded, his blue mask's tails flipping up and down. He sheathed the katanas he had been holding, and the others also put away their weapons. Wolf deactivated her lightsaber and stored her shiny new katana in its scabbard.

She gestured towards Nemesis and the gang. "I suppose you guys should introduce yourselves as well. These people are Nemesis, Waffle, Anakin, Luke, Obi-Wan, and Harry," she said, pointing to each person in turn. "Mikey, you probably already knew the last four."

"I sure did!" one of the Turtles exclaimed jubilantly. He held out a hand for shaking, his voice a perfect impersonation of Yoda. "Michelangelo, my name is. Hungry, I am. Have food, do you?"

A red-clad Turtle whacked Mikey on the back of the head. "Ouch!" Mikey bellowed, rubbing the now-sore spot. "What was that for, Raph?"

"For being a knucklehead, Mikey," said the red-masked turtle.

"Raph," the blue one reprimanded.

Raph stepped away from Mikey. "My apologies, Fearless Leader." He leaped to Anakin. "Name's Raphael."

"Yeah, I know..." Anakin trailed off, recalling a particularly memorable incident where he, Waffle, and the drugged pair of Wolf and Darth Fuchsia had watched the ending of _TMNT _together, though this Raphael did not sound like the one from the movie. Perhaps he was the cartoon version? "I'm Anakin Skywalker." These turtles and the rat seemed much more used to strange situations than even they were. Only Wolf seemed to be taking this normally, and that was because she was slowly sinking back into her broody mood again. Anakin eyed Raph's sais nervously.

"Hmph," Raph grunted before moving back to join his family.

"I'm Donatello," said another turtle, this one attired in purple. He had a bob staff slung across his shell and a duffel bag around his shoulder.

"My name is Leonardo," the one Raph had called Fearless Leader said, striding forward as he spoke. Anakin also eyed Leo's katanas. Even from the teeny, tiny amount of action he had seen form this Turtle, the sheathing of the katanas and his stance, he could tell this turtle was a master of the blade.

"I'm sorry," spoke Obi-Wan, interrupting the introductions. "This is just way too weird."

"You're telling us!" said Mikey. "Dude, I've spent my life watching movies with most of you guys in them, and now I'm meeting you! This is...awesome!"

Raph thwacked Mikey on the head again. "Slow learner," Raph muttered.

"I'll have you know," Mikey replied, once again rubbing the sore spot. "that I earned my PhD in video gaming in a single week."

"Mikey," Leo warned. Mikey seemed to shirk back at this. It seemed the only thing that hurt Mikey more than a hit from Raphael was a hit from Leonardo.

"So who's the rat, then?" Anakin blurted. Like Mikey, Anakin earned himself a violent pounding, but this was from Wolf, who tackled him and said, "Hey! Don't diss Master Splinter!"

Anakin tumbled down and did a face plant on the ground. "Master Splinter? What is this guy, Yoda?" He aimed a punch at Wolf, who dove aside and hurled him into the wall. He sank into the ground once more.

The ginger girl shook her head. "Wrestling in the sewage...They're just like you guys." The turtles and the man all gave her sheepish looks. "I'm April O'Neil," she addressed the others.

"Casey Jones!" the ape-man said cheerfully, his long and muscled arm extending to give Waffle's a good shake. Teeth clattering slightly from the sudden quaking, Waffle barely managed to give Casey a grin.

Splinter and Leo had succeeded in helping Anakin and Wolf to their feet. Wolf glanced down at her filthy feet for a second. "Sorry about that, Anakin."

"Err..." Anakin trailed off, unsure of what to say.

Fortunately, he was saved from having to reply by Mikey, who was begging for food, especially pizza. They all headed back to the chamber, Harry siphoning the sewage off Wolf and Anakin while Nemesis explained to the newcomers exactly where they were and what was going on.

* * *

An hour or so later, the group was gathered around a large table, eating pizza, when Harry decided to ask the question they'd all been wandering: "Why are you guys here?"

Donatello set down his coffee mug, looking thoughtful. "Well, obviously we initiated some sort of inter-dimensional travel, or else your world wouldn't have known of our existence. Somehow one of us must have-"

Harry held up a halting hand. "I'm not asking _how _you're here, I'm asking _why._"

Don opened his mouth, then shut it and shrugged in defeat. "You've got me there."

Leo saved Don from further explanation. "We were in the midst of fighting the Shredder when there was a flash of light and we arrived in this world."

Wolf frowned. "I've got a feeling this fight diverts form cartoon canon...though I suppose the canon no longer fits the actual timeline, seeing how we're the ones truly meeting you guys. Anyways, which Shredder are we referring to?"

Raph seemed weirded out by this. "Which Shredder? Huh?"

Nemesis began ticking off names on her fingers. "Utrom Shredder, Tengu Shredder, Cyber Shredder, Lady Shredder..."

"Oh. Utrom Shredder, then," Raph answered, seeming a bit put off. "Doesn't even make sense..."

Mikey slammed his head against the table. "If those other Shredders are those butt-ugly clones we fought at the Foot Headquarters..."

"Those weren't actual clones, Mikey," Don said, almost trying to cheer Mikey up. "The Shredder, being an Utrom, wouldn't have human clones."

"Yeah, Don, I can kinda figure _that _out on my own."

Donatello wasn't the only one who looked pensive, though he was certainly the only one being cheerful about it. "What happened to the Shredder?" April asked anxiously. "He was supposed to be in exile, right?"

Faintly, Leonardo groaned, resting his head in his hands. "I've failed..."

Wolf cast him a sympathetic look. "Join the club, Leo. At least this failure isn't your fault."

"So let me get this straight," said Luke, biting his lip and ignoring Leo and Wolf. "This Shredder was sent into exile, yet he came back to...where do you guys live?"

"New York City," Raph answered gruffly.

"Okay. So he came back to New York City, though we have absolutely no idea why, unless he was trying to kill you..."

"Revenge is rarely the Shredder's true aims," Master Splinter spoke, a fiery look glazing over his eyes, giving him a dangerous air. "The Shredder's kills are cold, heartless, but he is much more focused on his conquest than on his objects of hatred."

"Right," Anakin muttered. "And...What's an Utrom?"

"Teeny, teeny little aliens that look like a regurgitated squid or something from _The Matrix," _Mikey responded, causing Anakin, Harry, Obi-Wan, and Luke to shudder ever so slightly. "The Shredder's the only red one we've ever seen. He dresses like a spiky Darth Vader to cover up his insecurities." Mikey grinned. Raph just hit him again.

"Hold on!" bellowed Obi-Wan. Luke, Anakin, Harry, and Obi-Wan all winced. Obi-Wan's anger from Benny Bingo was still existent. "You were fighting the Shredder before you arrived here. So naturally, the Shredder probably followed you, correct?"

"Err..." the turtles, April, and Casey all stammered.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm almost hoping he did," Wolf said darkly.

Raph gave Wolf an appreciative look, Leo narrowed his eyes, and Don, Mikey, Splinter, April, and Casey all thought of a times a few months previously, when a certain blue-masked turtle decided to act broody as well. "And why is that?" Casey questioned.

Wolf clenched her lightsaber in one hand, her other stretching behind her back to finger the katana's scabbard. "Not only do I think the Shredder needs to be taught a lesson, but this entire place is more than meets the eye. Unfortunately, I didn't even know about this until a few weeks ago...sure took me long enough..."

Feeling slightly apprehensive, Harry inquired, "What took you long enough to figure out?"

Wolf placed her elbows on her knees and leaned forward. Gazing at the new arrivals, she said, "You guys won't know about this, but nearly every character that lives here begins to act like a lunatic shortly after arrival. I don't know exactly how it happened, but the mansion above this place can addle one's brain, if you're unprepared."

"Will it affect us?" Leo asked, his hands now going back to his katanas as well."

"No," Wolf said quickly. "I can probably fix it, it's all my fault anyways, but it also has an odd effect on the evil people who come here as well. They begin to lose sight of their original ambitions, start acting stupidly, forget what they really desire."

"And this works well?" said Splinter.

"Let me put it this way," said Wolf, the ghost of a smirk on her face. "Voldemort bought a cat and Emperor Palpatine became a cross dresser."

Mikey, Don, April, and Casey all seemed to gag at the last statement, while Anakin, Luke, Obi-Wan, and Harry all looked sick. "I'm sorry, but that's just wrong!" Mikey cried.

"Don't be sorry!" Luke spoke with a grin. "It's not like we love the wrinkled corpse or anything."

Wolf coughed slightly before going on, "Anyways, the Shredder can come, but he won't find any help..."

_He was rising right out of the sewers, cloth flaying in the wind behind him as he strode gracefully, almost gliding, over to the enormous building before him..._

"Even if he tried..." Wolf trailed off, looking, dare anyone think it, angry, fearful even.

_Afraid of _what, _though? _Leo thought to himself.

_...There were several figures waiting for him, though one was unfamiliar..._

"What is it, Wolf?" asked Obi-Wan.

Wolf chomped on her lip, the chapped skin cracking open as blood sluggishly oozed out. "He might not be impaired by the handicaps at all...Think about it, this mansion was supposed to be safe, yet Fuchsia and Josh - Myst, whatever - broke out and came incredibly near to killing us..."

_And now she's trailing off with every sentence! _Nemesis thought, scratching her head.

_Karai, his daughter, the former Lady Shredder, was glowering dangerously at the second female, a girl with a laser sword and an astonishingly feral grin on her face, the Foot Ninjas watching, waiting for someone to make a move..._

"Well, if Fuchsia and Myst managed to wreak that much havoc with little experience, imagine what a seasoned a-hole like the Shredder could do. He could break the others free from their insanity-"

_She turned her gaze on him, mouth forming a short sentence: "We have a proposition for you." And, though perhaps faintly annoyed, he couldn't help but take a liking to this girl's audacity, to even assume he would accept anything from whoever she worked for..._

"-wage war-"

_Then again, this girl could be an asset to the Foot. "You think my power's insufficient?" He slashed his metal gauntlet through the air, the two welded blades flicking mere centimeters from her face._

"-strike a deal with certain Sith Lords and Lady-"

_She smirked. "No, but I do imagine you lack information. And besides, a couple hundred thousand extra goons never hurts, does it?"_

"-drink all the milk in the fridge-"

_Time passed, and rain clouds were forming above. He shook hands with the strange female, though he knew neither of them were being sincere. "Your name?"_

_"Darth Fuchsia. And you're..."_

_"I am the Shredder!" The rain began to fall._

"-and just be an overall douche bag."

* * *

Distantly, Wolf could hear the pattering of rainfall as she, Michelangelo, and Leonardo made their way through the sewers. Waffle had taken Raphael and Donatello, Nemesis had April and Casey, Obi-Wan and Anakin had Splinter, and Luke and Harry had gone together. They were to meet in the mansion's front yard in one hour, after some safety stealth. Wolf, Mikey, and Leo slid effortlessly through the shadows, though this did not seem necessary. Finally, as usual, it was Mikey who broke the silence. "These sewers stink a whole lot worse than the ones at home. I think I'm going to die of asphyxiation. What dead body took a dump down here?"

Wolf wrinkled her nose. "There's dragon dung everywhere in these things. Oh, and I just had to go barefoot today..."

Leo opened his mouth to quiet the two, shut it, then decided to at least change the subject. "Wolf, who are Myst and Fuchsia?"

The effect was apparent to everyone: Wolf seemed to falter mid-leap, her leg flailing slightly before catching on a pipe; she flipped twice before smashing into the ground, though luckily avoiding the sewage. She got up and brushed herself off. "I really need to stop doing that," she muttered, grinding her teeth. "Alright. Melinda Kahn, Darth Fuchsia, Dudley Doofenschmirtz, whatever you want to call her, is an evil Sith apprentice that escaped from my mind."

"Hang on. Your mind-"

"_Yes, _Mikey, my mind. You can blame me for that. Anyways, she escaped my mind, joined Palpatine, and became a Sith, cue dramatic music. She's tried to kill the others and me several times, though she hasn't succeeded yet except once, and we're all glad that happened. I told her I'd give her my Force powers, but it was actually - well, never mind that now.

"Like Watermelon Khan, Myst also escaped from my mind, but her original name was Josh. She's not really human, though. she is, in fact, an abomination called a Mary Sue, which is basically the idea of a supposedly perfect girl," she said the last two words in a mocking, sing-song, bitter voice. "We tried fighting her off, but she came very close to murdering us all. That's when Darth Fuchsia actually did something right for the first time in months and stabbed her before sending her off a cliff and into an ocean of pistachio pudding - don't ask me how that happened, Mikey, I don't know how that got there," she added, when Mikey was about to question her again.

Leo frowned at her, eyes scrutinizing. "You blame yourself, don't you?"

Wolf did not respond, but instead continued to race through the sewers. Neither one stopped, though Mikey obviously felt out of place. Leo went on, "They escaped from your own mind. You believe them to be your burdens."

Wolf hesitated before responding, "So what if I do? They _are _my fault. My friends were nearly killed, and whose fault was it? Mine."

"You shouldn't dwell on it. even if it is your fault, there's nothing you can do but prevent it from happening again."

"That's the problem, Leo!" Wolf shouted, and Mikey flinched slightly mid-jump. "I've tried preventing it, yet I still fail! What if one of them dies next time?"

"You know something, Wolf? I just had this very same problem," Wolf's expression changed subtly as she remembered Leo's own issues with failure at protecting his family from the Shredder. "Granted, the Shredder wasn't my imaginary friend, but I still felt like I wasn't good enough. Even with him gone, I thought we'd never see the last of him."

"Well," Wolf said as they clambered out of the sewers and onto the pavement, rain splattering on hair and shell as they saw Waffle, Raph, Don, Nemesis, April, and Casey already waiting. "Fuchsia hasn't struck in a while, hopefully that last for at least-"

Wolf dove to the side as a shuriken soared through the space her head had previously occupied. She back flipped and landed in a crouch, lightsaber and katana out. Leo unsheathed his katanas, and Mikey snatched up his nunchaku and gave them a spin. "Speak of the devil...and in Prada, I presume."

Melinda Khan herself sliced her rose lightsaber towards Wolf's right arm. Raising her own red lightsaber to block, Wolf slashed out with the katana. Fuchsia stepped back, the sword flashing harmlessly through the air. Leo and Mikey charged, and the others, realizing what was happening, also prepared for battle, but Wolf called out, "No! This is my fight alone!"

"Are you sure about that, my friend?" Fuchsia sneered, taking the lead in the duel and sending several vicious blows in Wolf's direction. "After all, I've defeated you before."

"Be a dear, Melinda, and shut your insolent mouth before I shove a metal enchilada down your windpipe," Wolf retorted. She performed another back flip, he foot catching Fuchsia in the jaw and sending the Sith Lady in a backpedal. She bit her lip as she and Fuchsia furiously exchanged blows, no one landing any hits. They were evenly matched: Wolf was the superior swordsman, Fuchsia had the Force powers Wolf lacked.

Then again, Fuchsia had strength in numbers. Foot Ninja after Foot Ninja all landed on their feet before the others. Leo and Mikey were finally joined by Nemesis, Waffle, Don, Raph, April, and Casey; Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Splinter were clambering out of the sewers.

Leo flicked his sword dangerously. "Let's get down to business."

"To defeat the Huns!" quipped Mikey. "HUH!"

And so, with Mikey singing "I'll Make a Man Out Of You", the battle began. Cries of _"Stupefy" _were soon heard as Harry and Luke joined the fray, and it seemed numbers weren't so much of an advantage after all. Wolf's and Fuchsia's insults and comebacks rapidly became more and more ludicrous.

"Spoon-biting wampa turd!" Wolf howled, lightsaber and katana twirling and blocking in a lightshow of red and silver, like a revolving Christmas ornament.

"Butter-snuffing loogie bucket!" Fuchsia retorted, again aiming to mutilate Wolf.

"Spam-inhaling butt trumpet!"

"Epic fail!"

"Oh, like I haven't hard that one before," Wolf shouted, deflecting another blow and whipping a shuriken at a crouching Foot Ninja. Don and Nemesis were not bothering to hide their snickers, even with their Foot Ninja trouble. "So, are you still working on world domination with Emperor Palpatine? Want to be royalty? Have servants licking the soles of your feet? Because you'll be dethroned with a royal flush."

"Puns stopped being funny months ago, Wolf," Fuchsia said, dropping back.

"I doubt that, Fuch-" Wolf was sent hurtling straight into Raph, who grunted and gave out a yell of, "What's the big idea?"

And that's when they saw the Shredder, one fist still out from shoving Wolf.

Mr. Spiky Pants calmly approached Leonardo. Leo, equally calm, hurled himself straight at the Shredder, katanas out and ready. They began to duel, katanas and armor becoming silver streaks in the air.

Spitting blood, Wolf gritted her teeth. It was happening again. Fuchsia had given the Shredder information on the mansion...After all, if she hadn't, then why were stormtroopers dashing towards them?

Self-blame. Disgust. Bitterness. These all coursed through Wolf's veins as she slowly rose to her feet. Fuchsia had vanished in the brawl, probably off fighting one of the Jedi. Wolf was blaming herself again, and why? Even if it was all her fault, Wolf couldn't help more. It was all like Leo had said. She had given her best, and that was all she could truly do. And if that wasn't enough, then she could always take the task of obliterating the enemy on her shoulders.

It was selfish, yes, but so was taking the last Pretzel M&M from the bag, and Wolf did that on a daily basis.

Reigniting her lightsaber, Wolf quickly glanced around: Luke and Obi-Wan were engaged with Fuchsia, giving her more than a run for her money. Nemesis and Don were locked in combat with an Asian woman that Wolf immediately identified as Karai. To her surprise, Wolf found Leo dueling with both Emperor Palpatine and the Shredder. And, from the looks of things, he could use a certain idiot's help.

And Wolf was just the idiot for the job. Screaming just for the heck of it (and realizing, with relish, that she hadn't done that in months), Wolf launched herself at Palpatine.

Palpatine had been prepared; he bolted out with Force lightning. Wolf barely raised her saber in time to block. A couple of bolts hit home, branding Wolf's shoulder. Without a sound, the barrage of saber strikes began against Palpatine. Wolf didn't know if it was hormones, the Dark Side, or some latent caffeine from a cappuccino, but she had a sudden surge of energy. However, Palpatine seemed much more lethal than before. Quite terrifyingly, he was actually _competent. _Had the handicap worn off with the appearance of a sane (in a sense) villain?

Leo was doing equally well against the Shredder. The pair of them were, after all, experts, masters even, of ninjitsu. Evenly matched, both duos had reached a stalemate...

Then they traded opponents. Wolf, matched against the Shredder, found herself facing an entirely different style and strategy. The Shredder, it seemed, did not want to waste his time on her, but was eyeing Splinter and the Jedi darkly. As if Wolf wasn't ticked already. Of course, it would be foolish to banter with the Shredder-

"You like what you see, Shredder?" she said amiably, flicking her head in Splinter's direction as she slashed at the Shredder's throat, only to be thwarted. "Personally, I don't find him much of a looker. I don't date anyone outside of _homo sapiens, _you see."

The Shredder batted Wolf's lightsaber aside and grasped her throat. Suddenly Wolf's lightsaber seemed ridiculously feeble rather than deadly. "You are a nuisance. Nothing more, nothing less. I can squash you like the insect you are!" The metal fingers tightened.

Even if the Shredder's alien body was no more than a foot or two tall, a legal midget, the Shredder's robotic body was very, very strong with a bruising Vulcan grip. She tried to pry off his fingers. "I suppose being crushed is better than pesticide," she choked.

The Shredder smashed Wolf into a wall. She desperately hoped this wouldn't become a regular occurrence. "You're getting on my nerves, maggot!"

"I...tend to do that," Wolf coughed. The wall, amazingly, had not crumpled upon contact, but Wolf didn't have time to dust off the little debris before the Shredder picked up the assault.

Was there no end to this? Sith, she had forgotten what it was like to fight competent characters! Finding an opening near the Shredder's shoulder, she stabbed forward before staring down in astonishment.

The Shredder's gauntlet was embedded in her gut, the tips of the twin blades protruding out of her back. Wolf did not register the pain, the Shredder's malicious laugh, or the blades' leaving of her stomach as Leo tackled the Shredder, sending him straight into Palpatine. Nor did she realize that the scream of horror was Waffle, or that Nemesis had bellowed her name, or even that the villains were retreating. She did not see the reinforcements arrive.

All Wolf saw was Anakin and Luke crouching down next to her, Anakin shrieking, "OH MY FORCE! OH MY FORCE! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO?"

Needlessly, Luke asked fearfully, "Wolf, are you hurt?" And to think Luke had called Obi-Wan Captain Obvious hours ago, the idiot.

Wolf smiled weakly. "It's just a flesh wound..."

* * *

Anakin sighed as he stuck his spork into his Snack Pack. Leonardo had just finished his stint by Wolf's bedside. Days had passed, and Wolf still hadn't regained consciousness. Never in the history of the mansion had anyone been injured this horribly.

Severus Snape, probably sulking like always (in Anakin's opinion, anyways), had gazed out the windows that fateful, stormy night, only to discover an epic battle on the front lawn. How _none _of the Jedi had felt this, Anakin had no clue, but his respect for Yoda had dropped just a tad once he heard Yoda and mace had spent the night playing Harry Potter Scene It rather than searching for the missing fellows.

"Is that pudding? ...Dude, get me some."

Anakin's jaw dropped. It was, all in all, a comical scene: Wolf was regarding Anakin with eagerness no one had seen in her for a month, and Anakin, spoon still hanging from his open mouth, was gaping like a sorry old sod. "You're awake!"

"Ahem, Anakin. _Pudding."_

Anakin, despite himself, felt a bit giddy. He could already picture the others' reactions to this great news. He also needed to fetch Wolf some pudding, presumably butterscotch.

_How is it that I ended up being the one who got to know this little psychopath? _Anakin wondered as he nodded at Wolf. "You know...You did good out there, kid."

Wolf smiled, and Anakin smiled back. Then Wolf began poking her wounds. "You know, I could probably store Pez in these."

* * *

**Finally! That took **_**forever! **_**The turtles weren't in it nearly as much as I wanted...They'll have much more screen time next chapter. All of the TMNT characters introduced this chapter will be major, so Leo, Mikey, Raph, Don, Splinter, Shredder, Karai, April, and Casey will all become vital, just watch and wait.**

**I need help with a new summary. I don't know what to put!**

**Who wants another Twelve Days of Christmas song next chapter?**


	36. Knockin' Down the Christmas Tree

**I wish you a very merry little Christmas, dear reviewers. Many of you have been sticking with me for over a year now, and I want to say thanks, so this chapter is a gift to all of you!**

**There is a new girl at my school. Her name is Mystical, but she goes by Mysty or Myst...and that's spelled with a "y", not an "i"! I couldn't speak for minutes when I heard this. Whether it was laughter or horror that taped my mouth shut, I do not know.**

**Disclaimer: Santa Clause refuses to give me ownership of **_**Star Wars, TMNT, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Pokemon, Disney, Sleeping Beauty, Monty Python, Beauty and the Beast, **_**M&M's, 4Kids, MasterCard, the Red Sox, the Yankees, or any of the songs. Santa Clause won't even give my a lovely bunch of coconuts...**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Knockin' Down the Christmas Tree**

_"...When it snows, ain't it thrillin', till your nose gets a-chillin'!" _Obi-Wan serenaded as he, April, Aragorn, Arwen, and R2-D2 set up the enormous Christmas tree in the mansion's even greater living room. Originally, it had started as an all-out carol with everyone joining in, even Artoo, who would warble and beep to the rhythm. Then it was discovered that only Obi-Wan had singing talent, which is why this all differs greatly from all animated Disney movies.

Well, that and Wolf is not a princess. She spits too much.

Speaking of Creeping Beauty, she sprinted through the door right at that moment, an enormous pile of presents balanced precariously in her quaking arms. Panting, she brushed past the others and set down the presents. They finally toppled, and Wolf clutched her stomach.

It didn't take the others long to process all this. "You _imbecile!" _Arwen bellowed, figuratively scaring the pants off Obi-Wan and April. They had rather grown used to the whole "calm, collected elf" image, not this Arwen who was spazzing over Wolf's medical condition. Aragorn, on the other hand, had witnessed these rare outbursts before, and faintly chuckled, though he did not envy Wolf.

Wolf merely raised an eyebrow, measuring in her head the ferocity of the Shredder versus Arwen. Then she realized that, one, she did not have the time, and two, nor did she really care. "Look, I do realize I'm not supposed to stretch my wounds, but...I'm doing it anyways. I have too many preparations for tonight's Christmas party!" Arwen opened her mouth to speak, but Wolf cut her off. "Knowing the facts allows me to graduate from imbecile to idiot. Now, I am leaving. I have some last minute shopping to do with the others. Bye!" Without another word (which was odd for Wolf, though she _had _talked plenty already) she darted out of the room, leaving the others sighing.

"I think she has a death wish, you know," said Obi-Wan with a trace of worry. He placed another ornament on the tree, this one a pineapple. It was the fifth one they had found of its kind in the box.

Aragorn shrugged. "She's had that ever since we've met her. At least, ever since I've met her. Of course, the turtles aren't helping matters. Ever since she was released, Wolf's been running out with them, wreaking havoc."

April glowered at him, though she was less menacing than Arwen. "I don't know everything that's happened here before between you guys and her, but Wolf's talked to me quite a bit and I don't blame her. She's never had brothers before, and now it's like she has four. Trust me when I say it'll all work out. I've been in the same spot as her...though the Shredder's never gutted me."

Obi-Wan and April, being the only ones there to witness that particular horror, winced, and Artoo bleeped what sounded like the equivalent of a droid sigh. "So..." trailed off Aragorn, determined to change the subject. He plucked the final ornament form the cardboard box.

"Good grief." Aragorn fingered the ornament, a M&M version of Emperor Palpatine. "Now, if that isn't the most morbid thing I've ever seen I don't know - OUCH!" He broke off, glancing down at his right leg before lashing out at something black and furry with his boot. A black cat with astonishing dashed away from Aragorn. It ended up perched on the couch, hissing, astonishing green eyes wide and wild.

April laughed. "So this is Harry!" She crouched down next to the couch and, before anyone could warn her otherwise, petted Harry. To the others' amazement, the cat purred and allowed April to stroke her.

"...I don't believe it," muttered Obi-Wan, while Arwen examined Aragorn's bite. "I thought that cat hated everyone."

"His bite is...much worse than his hiss," Aragorn seethed. All in all, observed Arwen, the bite was a superficial wound. Her fiancé needed pain tolerance. Honestly, what happened to him, anyways?

April hoisted Harry up by the scruff and, grinning at the guys, said, "Well, the tree's finished, so I'm leaving. From what Leo told me, they invited some unusual guests to tonight's party. Obi-Wan, you have toilet paper stuck to your boot." With that, the brilliant redhead left, cat in tow.

Grimacing, Arwen stood up. "Well, boys, I'm leaving as well. I promised Leia we'd go to Starbuck together before the party to experience some blissful peace...something we don't have around here. See you later, Aragorn," she said. Aragorn blushed as she left.

"Bring me back an espresso!" Obi-Wan shouted at Arwen's back. "I'm going to need it."

* * *

Mikey sat beneath the fully furnished tree, holding his own cat, Klunk, and sifting through the ludicrous amount of presents. Carefully picking one up, he shifted it to and fro, probed his fingers along the wrapping to search for lettering, and finally shook it violently. The reason for his little touchy feely problem sat beside him, shaking her head and saying, "You're never going to guess it, Mikey!"

He stuck out his tongue at her. "Can it, Waffle! You figured out what I got you, so now it's my turn! It's my constipational rights!"

The party had begun minutes earlier. Waffle, Mikey, and several others sat beneath the brightly decorated tree, marveling at its decorations or shaking presents. Wolf stood at the door, welcoming everyone jollily and handing them a sugar cookie. If they refused, she simply shoved the cookie into their mouth with force and continued pushing them into the party, smile still on her face.

Perhaps the Christmas cheer was penetrating the sadness in their hearts, or perhaps they were aware that Wolf could eat them alive, for they succumbed to the Christmas spirit and became merry. Of course, that would be cannibalism and would be considered unethical, but still, never doubt one who is hungry like the Wolf...the taste of a water buffalo and the stomach of a hobbit. Or something like that.

The party was nearly in full swing. Nemesis and Mara had gone grocery shopping earlier that day, so the food was plentiful and everyone was taking advantage of this, except Wolf, who was far too busy hosting, despite her hunger. Casey Jones, Gimli, and Han were gulping down eggnog like there was no tomorrow.

What Nemesis and Mara did not tell them was that they had accidentally bought the alcoholic eggnog. The three were on the verge of tipsiness and the others all feared drunken carols. After all, last year's "organized Christmas choir" served as a reason why no one in the mansion should sing. Ever.

Anakin was talking to Merry and Pippin, though every so often he cast glances over his shoulder at two very different blond females. Eowyn was sipping hot cocoa by the fire while she and Mara discussed feminine topics like swords and the art of war. Wolf, on the other hand, was too busy maintaining the peace to give Anakin even any advice involving what not to do. If the idea of Wolf playing peacekeeper disturbed Anakin, he didn't show it.

Rubbing one temple, Obi-Wan nibbled on a gingerbread cookie. Beside him, Blaze chattered animatedly. "And for Christmas my dad ended up sending me material for another lightsaber! Now I can fight with two lightsabers when I want as well! I can use one for cutting through steel and the other for shoving up enemy butt, it's pretty awesome and..."

She only paused when Wolf stumbled past, carrying a platter of sugar cookies and insanely mumbling to herself, "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands..." Poor Wolf's remaining sanity was slowly oozing from her life force.

Obi-Wan gave a shake of his head. "Poor nutball." He swallowed the remains of the cookie and massaged his temples. "Force, what is that? I sense a presence..."

Blaze glanced at the other partiers before giving a shrug. "I sensed something too, but you said that right after Raphael passed and I'm pretty sure he has gas again. Turtles sharting...not fun. This is why they need pants."

It was a few minutes before Obi-Wan replied, "Never say anything like that again."

Blaze huffed, crossed her arms, and leaned against the long foldable table. "Hey, at least I got you a good present this year. You should be nice to me. Remember last year when Anakin made you that dried macaroni necklace?"

If the turtle poop issue from before was gross, then this was absolutely revolting to Obi-Wan. He shuddered violently and said, "Shut up, Blaze, that needs no mentioning! What I wouldn't give to have an apprentice who isn't a dumb blond along with-"

A blaring shriek like a human siren interrupted the last part of Obi-Wan's insult. Alarmed, several people rose from their comfortable seats. Wolf, who looked the most agitated, shoved a bowl of cookie dough into a discombobulated Mikey's arms. "Hold this!" she exclaimed. "Or else Mr. Pointy and Goldilocks dies out there!"

Left with this enigmatic statement, Mikey did not move a muscle other than the ones in his mouth. "Rent-A-Ninja! We do parties! Call 1-800-KICK-AFT for more details."

Wolf sprinted to the door, the source of the chaos, her hair turning cherry red at the amount of commotion. Reaching the door, she couldn't help but say, "Oh, the irony..."

Qui-Gon and Ron, the screamers, were face-to-face with Darth Maul and Draco Malfoy. Oddly, the Jedi and the Gryffindor had their weapons drawn, whereas the Sith apprentice and Slytherin were empty-handed other than a couple wrapped gifts.

Blondie was screaming, "No, Weasley! We didn't come here to kill Potty or-"

"Blah, blah, blah, Malfoy! Ron sneered.

Several onlookers snickered. It seemed only Hermione had the sense to whack Ron upside the head and say, "He's telling the truth, Ronald!"

Darth Maul nodded furiously. "It's the truth, everybody!" His absolutely normal voice startled the crowd, for none of them had heard Maul speak save Anakin, Harry, Wolf, Nemesis, and perhaps one or two others. Oh, and Harry the Cat, but he doesn't count.

"Oh, please!" scoffed Leia once she was over initial shock. "What idiots would invite you?"

Draco decided to be the rat. He pointed an accusatory finger. "It was Wolf, Leonardo, and Luke Skywalker! Wolf was a bit reluctant, though...dang, she's hot." No one agreed with the last statement, and Wolf's prude nature shined as she shied away from Draco, snarling.

Everyone glared at the three accused. Leonardo alone seemed unshaken, while Wolf was still wondering why the crud they had to invite Draco and Luke was marveling at the fact that his favorite crazy old uncle figure had previously killed the Sith that stood before him. "Wolf, Luke, and I, being the only young ones in the entire mansion who seem to care about humanity-" Leo cast a glare at his brothers. "-decided to go out on a mission and invite any villains who wanted to come so long as they weren't entirely homicidal.

"Since that automatically ruled out the Shredder, Palpatine, Voldemort, and Sauron, we set out on our quest." The way Leo was speaking, you'd really think it was epic. In reality, it had taken them less than an hour and a majority of the people had slammed the doors on their noses. There was one memorable incident when they had knocked on Count Dooku's door while the old man was in the shower. It had resulted in electrocution and towel snapping from a Sith in a bathrobe.

Ahem.

"We also didn't invite Darth Fuchsia or Karai, since those two are on the worse than naughty list this year and will be receiving elephant dung rather than coal in their stockings.

"It was dragon dung, Leo," Wolf corrected.

"Thanks, Wolf. Anyways-"

"Wait, you guys sent dragon dung to Melon and Karai?" asked Neville.

Luke, Leo, and Wolf nodded.

"Epic!" Merry and Pippin exclaimed together before scrawling something in a shiny new notebook. Gandalf smacked his forehead in exasperation.

"_Anyways," _Leo growled, causing Merry and Pippin to cease their scheming...their scheme involved Legolas and frogs, by the way. "The only ones who decided to try and embrace the Christmas spirit were Draco and Maul."

"They're pretty legitimate, too," added Wolf. _Although Draco clearly has ulterior motives, the creep. _"Well, either that, or this entire forgive and forget plan is actually a sham to get under our guard and blow us to bits. If that's true, then this story is even dumber than I thought."

There was silence for a few moments as the lunacy of this all sank in. Then Ginny queried, "How come you get to break the fourth wall?"

"Because I'm the main character," Wolf answered with an air of mock superiority. "Now shut up, you secondary."

The scene broke up, with everyone going off in their separate directions like always. Wolf, hair still the same color as Maul's tattoos, led the former apprentice of Supreme Emperor Poopatine to the snack table. Meanwhile, Leo went to find Raph and Luke went off in search of Han and Chewbacca.

Wolf and Maul were joined by Boba Fett at the snack table, who took a cookie and, rather than take off his helmet and eat it like a normal person, shot it with his blaster. He reached for a second one, but a horrified Maul snatched the platter away. "Don't touch the delicious pastries, you cupcake murderer!"

Fett's always emotionless, synthesized voice almost managed to sound annoyed. "That was one time, _one kriffing time, _and you'll never let that go."

Wolf raised an eyebrow, interested. "I'm sensing a hidden story about someone losing self-esteem. Tell!"

Nemesis and Donatello joined the group after overhearing the last bit. "Wolf," said Don. "anyone who hangs out with you doesn't have self-esteem."

"Oh yeah. Sorry. Tell anyways."

"NO!" Fett and Maul cried. At least they both agreed on this point.

Wolf opened her mouth to protest, then decided that there were some battles not worth fighting. Particularly if that battle involved pastries of doom.

Angrily, Maul stabbed at a cheese cube with a lightsaber-shaped chopstick. "Die, cheese cube, die! Accept defeat, you worthless morsel, and face the wrath of my saliva!"

Fett backed away, obviously perturbed, and Wolf, Nemesis, and Don snickered. Nemesis slung an arm over Maul's shoulders. "Ah, you're going to fit in nicely...so long as you dislike evil."

Maul spoke immediately. "The Sith suck bantha, trust me. I hate being one of them. Palpatine robbed me of my childhood and he never let me join an AV club. If the Skywalkers want to kill him, they can be my guest. I'll help, even."

Now everyone listening was nonplussed. Yoda, who had been eavesdropping since he was old and old people have nothing fun to do, chuckled. "Speak the truth, this one does. Tell me, youngling, play any instruments, do you?"

"Uh, well, err," Maul stammered. "I suppose I could learn, since-"

Qui-Gon, sitting next to Yoda, simply could not stand it anymore. "SHUT UP, YOU FILTHY LITTLE HALF-BLOOD!" He stormed away from the party and did not return.

"Sheesh," Nemesis murmured. "What kind of monstrosity is up that guy's butt?" Clearly Nemesis did not like Qui-Gon.

"I did stab him, after all.." Maul trailed off, looking very, very guilty.

"Stabbing is no big deal anymore," said Wolf, looking very, very nonchalant.

Don shivered. "Don't remind me! Usually when someone I know is injured, it all happens off-screen and you only get to see the grievously injured body with no wounds whatsoever, though the person is near death!"

"Blame 4Kids for that one," said Wolf as she stirred a cappuccino.

"It's always good to blame other people for your flaws, anyways," added Nemesis.

Wolf nodded without looking away from her coffee. "Well, I need to go get some whipped cream. Be right back." She walked away from the group, whistling "Sleigh Ride". Reaching the entrance to the kitchen, she was drawn to a halt by none other than Draco Malfoy. Joy to the world.

"Going somewhere, Wolf?" he asked, smirking at some unknown luck, the little snot.

"Away from you, creeper," Wolf shot back, reflexively looking up. Mistletoe. Just her luck. Well, at least Wolf was one to break traditions. Unfortunately, it seemed Draco was not a Chaotic Good.

"You do realize what we have to do now, correct?" Draco's smirk had widened to full-blown grin.

Wolf glowered. "I don't care, Draco. Let me through, you narcissistic little cream puff."

"No, my Wolf!"

At this point Wolf's hand strayed to her lightsaber, but she managed to hold back. _These are days of peace. I can shank him one of the other three hundred and sixty-three days of the year. _Taking the less violent path, Wolf shoved her way past Draco, went to the refrigerator, and grabbed the whipped cream.

Draco stood in the way of the exit, however. "You little wanker! You bloody scam! I'll show you not to interfere with tradition!"

Desperate to avoid a horribly awkward hissy fit from Draco...or Draco getting his freaky on with the Christmas music, Wolf did the only thing imaginable: She sprayed the whipped cream in Draco's eyes. Ignoring his cries of terror, she ran back to the snack table, grabbed Fett and, despite the bounty hunter's protest, activated his flamethrower, incinerating the mistletoe.

Smiling at her work, Wolf dropped Fett's arm and brushed ash from her hands. "Whipped cream: three dollars and twenty-one cents. Petrol: twelve dollars and seventy-nine cents. Flamethrower: four thousand and sixty-eight dollars. Causing your stalker agonizing pain and embarrassment by crushing his hopes and dreams and breaking his heart into bite-sized little pieces: priceless. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard."

Still smiling brightly, Wolf rested in one of the recliners. Then she smacked his forehead. "Wait a minute! Draco could've just used his wand! Why did the little turd waste his time with the sweet talk?" Then she shook her head. "Remember the plot, Wolf, remember the plot...I need to stop writing these ridiculous stories about myself. These chapters are getting worse and worse as time rolls on..." Her voice was slowly growing scratchy, though it was always like that.

"Wolf?" interrupted Waffle. She leaned against Wolf's armchair. "You're talking to yourself again."

"She was talking to her split personality, actually," responded Luna, looking very sure about it, too.

"Okay then..."

* * *

"I refuse to call it a cookie!" Hermione exclaimed, breaking up all other conversation. "It's a biscuit!"

Raph pulled away the plate, looking very, very offended. "Hey! Do you have a problem with it?"

"Yes I do!" Hermione crossed her arms defensively. "It's American!"

"What's wrong with America?" growled Raph. Hermione, being uneducated in the ways of America, did not know the rules: New Yorkers were easily offended and liked to beat people up and flaunt the Brooklyn accents, usually over the Red Sox versus Yankees debate.

"_Everything!" _Hermione seethed. Remember what Wolf said about the mansion walls affecting the sanity of its inhabitants? Yeah, it still applied to everyone. Even though Wolf had blatantly pointed out the facts, she had done little to fix it other than tell the turtles and pals so they could retain their sanity. It was too late for poor Hermione Granger. "I hate America!"

"Egad!" exclaimed the Americans present.

"Shut up, you bloody Brit!" Han growled. True, he wasn't American, but he was still tipsy, which is a known trait of the common American man...right? Take it however you want!

"You shut up!" cried Gimli, whose author was English, while Han's creator was American.

All heck broke loose. The _Star Wars _and _TMNT _characters, along with Wolf, Nemesis, Waffle, and Blaze, all found themselves against the _Harry Potter _and _Lord of the Rings _characters.

The sights varied: Nemesis smashing a filled vase in Sirius's face with a cry of, "I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt!" Meanwhile, Hermione was firing an array of lethal little lights at Luke and Leia, who were deflecting shots and/or shooting right back with stun bolts.

Leonardo easily had both Legolas and Ron cornered, but Harry came up from behind and shot at Leo's back; Leo dodged, but the curse collided with Legolas's face, causing a cry of anguish on the elf's part as boils appeared and exploded all over the elf's precious face.

The mutant rolled over towards Wolf and Waffle, who were evading the blows of Lupin, Aragorn, and Pippin. Wolf gave an agonized exclamation of "I hate plot!" while Waffle also cried, "EVERYONE CALM DOWN!"

Astonished by Waffle's very first howl within the mansion, everyone quieted except Hermione, who was still humming _her _national anthem. Waffle clapped once. "Okay, now it's present time."

* * *

If the rapid changing of Waffle's mood didn't shock them, then the gifts certainly did. "Are these candy bars?" Anakin asked as he held up an unlabeled box full of wrapped little cylinders.

Most of the men were equally confused, especially when Anakin held them up for sniffing, but when Eowyn said, "They're tampons, you dingbat", Anakin looked on the verge of puking. Eowyn shrugged. "He had it coming."

And so Eowyn was even more dumbfounded when she unwrapped a spanking new lightsaber, courtesy of one Anakin Skywalker.

Only Hermione's fury matched Eowyn's wonder: Hermione had received a sack of frozen cheeseburgers from Waffle. The American nature of the gift made her too ill, and she left the party for the night with a shout of, "I'm going to do British stuff!"

Waffle sighed. "And I almost bought her a boxed set of _Monty Python _movies...Wow, what a bummer."

Sirius was laughing hysterically at Snape's gift of the two-disc edition of _Beauty and the Beast _on DVD. "And here I thought you couldn't sink any lower!"

Wolf smacked Sirius with a dictionary that was conveniently placed nearby. "I bought it for him, lame brain! It's a nice gift."

"Oh please!" Sirius scoffed. "Do tell me why, Wolf. I'm dying to hear this!"

If it hadn't already been established that Wolf despised the Dark Side, Sirius could've sworn her grin was pure evil. Fortunately, it wasn't, but good is not always nice. "Imagine that Gaston is actually a messy haired man with dorky glasses but the same air of cockiness, and Belle is a firecrotch-" April, Ron, Ginny, Gimli, and several others all glared at this point. "and Beast is a greasy haired potions master. So, therefore, Lily and Snape will end up married and James will fall off a roof. Happy?"

Sirius lunged for Wolf's throat, frothing at the mouth as he babbled about James. Wolf stepped to the side and Sirius slammed into the fireplace. Then Wolf bellowed, "Don't make me use the right-click, Sirius!

"NO!" several people gasped.

"Not the right click!" Luke hollered.

"That's what happened to Ahsoka, right?" questioned Mara, indifferent to the situation.

"It's too dreadful!" sobbed Maul, whose voice, again, caused many of the partiers to flinch.

Terrified by this threat, Sirius backed away.

The rest of the gifts went on in a normal fashion: Nemesis received a toaster from Wolf; Sam got a deluxe frying pan from Aragorn; and many more presents were given out. Finally only the gifts of the villains were left.

Harry picked up the box for Draco. "Hey, it's for me!" He held it up and began to shake: The present clattered as it banged back and forth.

"Let me see!" Luke said gleefully as he ripped the box away from Harry. he held it up to his ear. "Funny, why is it ticking?"

The alarm bells were ringing now. Raph tackled Draco before the boy could react and stole his wand. "Get off me, you filthy reptile!"

Raph swung the hilt of his sai right into Draco's cheek, leaving a nice bruise. "Ah, shut up, you albino prick."

Fett leveled his blaster at Darth Maul, but the apprentice did not protest. Rather, he was glaring fiery daggers at Draco, who was whimpering the whole time Raph had him pinned. Fett sighed. "At least she gave me money as a gift..."

Nemesis, who had been pouring fish food into the tank and humming "A Pirate's Life's For Me", dove towards the bomb and whistled for Artoo. The faithful little astromech quickly wheeled towards her while she tore off the wrapped paper, and recklessly ripepd open the box. Fortunately, it did not detonate, and Nemesis carefully removed the bomb. "Artoo!"

The little droid tweeted, but only Threepio and Anakin understood his warble of, "As usual, I have to save their butts." Whether the droid was happy or annoyed about his, no one knew, but he set to work.

Throughout this entire procedure, Splinter, Yoda, and Luna remained in meditated stance, though Splinter and Yoda were frowning. Luna was cheerfully whispering a song about ketchup and buzz droids.

Finally, Artoo gave a gleeful shriek and Threepio announced, "Oh, we're saved!" Everyone stopped biting their lips and cheered with sheer relief. Then the mood sobered as they realized that they had two evil fiends to deal with.

Raph released Draco but did not relinquish his wand, and Fett lowered his blaster slightly. Immediately, Draco began to babble, "I have no clue, seriously, about any of this, I'm telling the-"

"LIES!" a still drunk Casey declared.

"Err...Casey's right," said Obi-Wan. "I can sense that Draco's lying."

"No, please-"

"Shut up, you douche!" Maul snapped, to the surprise of everyone. "You. Ruin. EVERYTHING!"

Bewildered, the crowd stepped back and allowed Maul to pummel Draco. If someone said they weren't enjoying the spectacle, they'd be lying. However, Snape did have to intervene once Maul had Draco in a chokehold. Reluctantly, Maul released Draco, but after a few seconds he said, "Oh, screw it! Sam, where's your frying pan?"

Sam jogged to the frying pan and held it up threateningly. "Stay back, Maul! Why do you need to murder Draco, anyways? Of course, he _did _try to demolish us all...but so did Sauron, and we're not trying to kill him."

"That's because of the plot!" Wolf snapped, but few people paid her heed.

"I just want to be normal!" Maul cried, eyes becoming moist.

Anakin leaned in towards Luke. "This guy has some serious issues."

"Oh, and we don't?" Luke retorted.

Maul continued, "It's not like I've had a fun life. No, Palpatine had to go and ruin my childhood with wild animal attacks and lightsaber wounds and tiny little spaces. Then I got chopped in half by Kenobi, which wasn't fun, and I ended up in a bad place...but then I was retrieved from the world of fiction, and life become not quite so sucky, and this world ahs cinnamon rolls which are yummy but Palpatine didn't let me eat them...and then _she _came along, that annoying Darth Fuchsia - she's mean-"

"My bad," Wolf grumbled. Fortunately, Wolf didn't rant about how everything was her fault at that moment.

"And he's just so mean and cruel and ugly and I CAN'T STAND HIM!" Maul finished his speech on his hilariously abusive childhood, gritting his teeth as he aimed a kick at Draco. Draco seized the opportunity and ducked, causing the kick to hit Raph in the face instead. Taking advantage of Raph's somewhat stunned state, he snatched his wand and fired randomly into the crowd.

Then a black form darted across the room and towards Draco, leaping and landing on Draco's face. Harry scratched and clawed at Draco's eyes and mouth; the cowardly Slytherin yelped in anguish and moved his arms upward to swipe away Harry.

Sam soared towards Draco and swung his frying pan, but the blow hit Harry instead. Hissing, the cat fell with a thump just as Draco smacked into the Christmas tree. Ferret and fir tree both crashed into the fireplace, the tree being lit ablaze.

Wolf bounded towards Draco, eyes like flecks of orangey steel. Draco was positively simpering now. "Hello, Wolf, do you know how pretty I think you are?"

Gasping very faintly at the stress on her wound, Wolf hoisted Draco into the air and growled, "Pray for mercy, little man."

Slightly fearful, Draco managed to spit out, "And why is that?"

"Because the plot demands it!" She hurled Draco through the window with surprising strength, and the Slytherin fell two stories, landing in a rose bush. "That's why you don't hit on a weightlifting ninja-in-training!"

Wiping the grime from her hands, Wolf returned to the party. Snape, Harry, and Luna were extinguishing the flames. It seemed that Maul and the others had reached some sort of accordance, because the tattooed Zabrak was still with the other partiers. "Are all of your Christmas parties like this?"

"Last year we had a minor war," Wolf replied. "This year was actually an improvement."

"Yeah," Maul gazed at the flames. "So, anyways, err, I'm going to need some lodging...Palpatine's not going to allow me back."

"You can room with Obi-Wan!" Wolf said brightly.

"NO!" Maul and Obi-Wan shouted together in horror.

Wolf slapped her knee and collapsed in laughter. "Just kidding. Ah, I'm going to enjoy this."

* * *

**Darth Maul is positively a chatterbox. It's amusing to write his new character. Merry Christmas, all! Eat loads of gingerbread! And always remember, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, and in more ways than one!**

**Does anyone want to Beta?**


	37. Sexy Was Never Gone

**To me, your reviews are like a frappuccino in the early morning: creamy, awesome, and refreshing. Unless it's a flame, in which case it's plain black coffee: scalding, bitter, and totally idiotic. Who actually likes black coffee? **

**A few important notes: "Friday the 13th" is totally non-canon. The villains have never actually been killed, as that wouldn't make any sense whatsoever. Discontinuity! **

**Second, this story is going to be a total mind screw from here on out, and not just in the crack fic way either. You have been warned. **

**Disclaimer: This author does not own **_**Star Wars, TMNT, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts, **_**Just Dance, **_**Mulan, Dirty Dancing, Sesame Street, Muppets, Lilo and Stitch, Mortal Kombat, Scooby-Doo, Charlie the Unicorn, Avatar: The Last Airbender, **_**Bubba Gump Shrimp, Oreos, Cobra Starship, Chuck Norris, Monster, McDonald's, Baskin Robbins, Nemesis, Blaze, Waffle, or Michael Jackson and his songs.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Sexy Was Never Gone**

Eowyn had expected a lot of things when she opened the door to the mansion's main common room, but when she feasted her eyes on Wolf, Anakin, and Darth Maul singing and dancing with Wii remotes, her knees nearly buckled in shock.

"What the-"

"Hi, Eowyn!" Wolf paused the game to wave friendlily at Eowyn. Maul flashed her a smile (which contrasted sharply with his tattoos), , and Anakin began messing up his hair. "We're playing - Oh, hang on. Get it going, guys!" Together, her, Anakin, and Maul wiggled their Wii remotes and shook to and fro. _"It's raining men! Halleluiah! It's raining men! Halle-"_

"Not that song again!" Hermione exclaimed exasperatedly as she too entered the room. "It's so-"

"American?" Maul offered.

"I was going to say ridiculous, but that works too."

Wolf paused the game. "So...What's up?"

Eowyn held up an opened envelope. "Someone sent me a present today." Though she wasn't positive, Eowyn could've sworn she saw Anakin flush. "There was a Costco coupon inside, along with a Starburst wrapper and a paper clip." Again, Eowyn saw Anakin sigh in relief.

"Well, that's not the weirdest thing," Wolf replied with a smirk. "I got an invitation to a dance party today in my mail."

"From who?" questioned Maul.

Wolf shrugged. "I don't know, but it was someone in the mansion, because it's address is here. I'm not sure if I'm going."

"Why not?" Wolf hopped three feet in the air as Leo spoke out of nowhere. After snapping out of her fighting stance, she gave him a quizzical look. "I thought ninjas didn't like dramatic entrances?"

Leo leaped down from the ceiling, doing a mid-air somersault and landing on his feet. "It varies. What's this about a dance party?"

"I was invited to some unknown dance party in the mansion. I've asked Waffle, Nemesis, and even Blaze about it, and none of them know jack. So just in case I decide to go, I've been practicing my mad skills."

"What mad skills?" Leo said with a wry grin.

"The ones you lack, of course," Wolf retorted. She frowned, sticking her tongue out slightly, deep in thought. "You have to wonder...who would invite me and why?"

* * *

"Yo! Do you have the punch bowl?" one stormtrooper queried as he unfolded a table.

"Right here, complete with the extra fruity sherbet for that extra fruity boss," replied the second one, shifting aside just in time to avoid a wall. "You'd think that if they can spend all of their money on dance parties they'd be able to buy us helmets with good visibility."

"I've asked for some in the suggestion box, but _no, _the money's going towards golden statues of his Royal Highnessfulness."

They both snickered.

"I'd keep quiet if I were you," said a female voice, causing the two troopers to jump in astonishment. "Voldemort may hear you. Ah, it feels so great to say his name without consequences!"

"Hey!" said the first trooper, aiming his gun at the girl. "You're that renegade apprentice, the one that ran off from the Emperor!"

"Dang straight!" said Fuchsia, stepping forward, hands still at her sides.

"You're wanted dead or alive!" continued the first trooper.

"Shut up, Fish!" shouted the second trooper, elbowing the one named Fish in the breastplate. It made a satisfying clang.

"Make me, Locke!" argued Fish. "Besides, why should I listen to you? The first time we truly fought here, his Royal Pain in the Butt told us that we'd be facing a dragon. What did you say, though? 'Don't worry, it's probably like Mushu from Mulan.' You were DEAD wrong on that one, buddy!"

"Are you two finished?" Fuchsia asked. "Seriously, though, lower the guns. I could kick your butts from here to Albuquerque and you both know it. AND it'd be with a totally lame pink lightsaber, which would only double the humiliation on your part."

Fish and Locke lowered their weapons, recognizing danger. "One shot would kill us, after all," said a resigned Locke.

"That's what stormtrooper armor is made for," responded a dejected Fish.

Fuchsia raised one eyebrow. "You guys actually figured that out?"

"Yep," said Locke. "We have it all figured out: the armor is incredibly weak so that way us underlings will never rise and become main characters."

"This way the boss man and pals keep the spotlight on them," added Fish.

"Until the heroes destroy them."

"They could come back from the dead..." Fuchsia trailed off.

Fish nodded. "Oh yeah, we figured that out. But all that occurs is a hero or two dying, along with a hundred or so underlings, unless there is a weapon of mass destruction involved. in that case, a hero will either be possessed by the villain or will make a mistake, causing the obliteration of an entire planet."

"But the heroes triumph, as always," finished Locke.

Fuchsia scratched her head. "Stormtroopers are smarter than I realized. I misjudged you all. I'm impressed."

"We have a greater IQ than those Foot Ninjas you've been consorting with," said Fish with a hint of disgust. "I never liked those goons."

"They're not so bad..." Fuchsia began, but she stopped mid-speech when Fish and Locke tilted their helmets knowingly. "Okay, they suck. I keep saying that they talk too much. Absolutely no response. Those guys sure know how to party, huh?"

"Speaking of party," said a chuckling Locke. "do you have any clue why the villains are having a _dance party?"_

Fuchsia burst into a laughing fit; it took her an entire minute to regain her composure. "That'd be Voldemort. Out of that entire crowd, Voldemort's lost the most of his normalcy, seeing how _Dirty Dancing _is now his favorite movie last time I checked, and he named his freaking cat Harry. Shredder's still perfectly normal...by villain standards, anyways. He still like decapitation as a hobby. Palpatine and Sauron lie somewhere in the middle, though Palpatine's recovering awfully fast. I think Wolf losing her Force power contributed to that..."

"Wolf?" queried Locke quizzically. "Who's that?"

"An old friend of mine, so to speak...I wonder if she's coming tonight. I don't know why, but I invited her...even if this isn't my party. Palpatine's got it in for me at the moment, especially after the fiasco with another _friend _of mine..."

Snapping her fingers suddenly, Fuchsia pulled out her wallet. "Tell you what: I know that you guys hate your job, and I also don't want to be possibly be tattled on due to my chronic backstabbing. Here's twenty dollars for each of you. Go buy some yourselves some Bubba Gump Shrimp."

Fish and Locke both gaped at the forty dollars. "Wow...that's more than I make in a year!" cried Fish.

"As you were, men!" Fuchsia said with a smirk as Locke and Fish both skipped off, flashing her a salute as they left. Then she smiled at the punch bowl.

* * *

"Are you an angel? Because you look like you just fell from Heaven and landed in oncoming traffic," Mikey snarked off to Raph as they and Wolf walked down the winding stairs, all of them sipping green tea from Starbucks cups.

Raph just whacked Mikey upside the head. Again. "You know," commented Wolf. "you guys should really stop doing that. No need to cause him _more _brain damage."

"Oh, fine! You both can pick on me! It's because I'm black, right?"

"Actually," Wolf replied. "you're more Asian than black."

"But he doesn't have Asian intelligence," added Raph.

"Whatever! At least I have some intelligence! Wolf is practically brain dead!"

"Hey!" Wolf defended. "I may be an idiot, but if there's one thing I'm not, it's an idiot."

"And you look like a banana."

Wolf eyed her yellow hair and sighed as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "Don't get me started on you, Kermit!"

"Poser!" Mikey had resorted to one-word insults.

"Nut face!"

"Wiener!"

"Buttmunch!"

"SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR DANG TEA!" Raph snapped as he slammed open the door.

Mikey and Wolf did so. "So..." Wolf trailed off as she finished her tea. "Do you guys want to go with me to this dance party?"

Raph froze halfway through the door, causing Mikey to collide with him. They both smacked into the ground and Raph furiously tried to put Mikey in a headlock. Wolf sighed. "I'll take that as a no..."

_Obviously, you moron, _sneered a voice in her head.

_Gosh, you're a ball of sunshine, aren't you? _said another voice.

_Shut up! _Wolf herself shouted. This was also aloud, so Raph and Mikey paused their fighting to cast her strange looks.

* * *

DUN. DUN. DUN. Draco, the first one out on the floor, smirked slightly as he rocked to the beat of the song. "Whoo!" he screeched shrilly with the singer as the music picked up.

The hall was packed with many heinous beings, though Palpatine and Shredder were notably absent.

The one-man wolf pack crowded the floor, dancing a puny little jig. After a while, he was joined by Hun, the Shredder's enormous henchman. He too shook his fists back and forth. It seemed that these two were able to draw friends forth from the crowd, because Dooku and Saruman simultaneously began to dance, doing the mashed potato.

They all got one-upped, however, when Snape joined them on the dance floor. The moonwalk, the hand jive, and the exact moves from Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" were all seamlessly replicated.

Minutes later, Snape boogie-oogied out of there. Draco, Hun, Dooku, and Saruman all blinked. "HOLY CRAP!"

Fuchsia sat alone at the table closest to the door, legs way out in front of her, laughing at it all. Folding over a corner of her copy of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, _she shot a hopeful glance at the doorway. Seeing no new arrivals, she sighed and shifted a strange piece of armor that rested on her shoulder. "This better freaking work."

_It will, _hissed a mature, menacing voice.

_Can it, Dark Lord Happy Pants! _shrieked a disturbed voice, this one much more rough and childish.

Fuchsia smacked her face with the book. Ever since Darth Maul had deserted her, she had been surrounded by either absolute idiots or sadistic monsters plotting world domination. She just hoped Wolf would be stupid enough to-

Wolf tumbled right over Fuchsia's legs, doing a face plant on the floor as she entered the hall. "So good to see you!" Fuchsia cried. "Now seriously, what the heck are you doing?"

Wolf swiftly jumped to her feet, her hand itching towards her hip, where, funnily enough, not one but two lightsaber lay waiting. "Going door to door for the Jenova's Witnesses. Tell me, are you experiencing an urge to destroy this planet's life and follow in the footsteps of your 'mother?'"

Fuchsia blinked. "...I suppose that'd be amusing if I understood the reference."

"But you don't," Wolf replied.

"Which kind of sucks."

"Sucks what?"

Fuchsia shrugged. "No idea. Sea-salt ice cream?"

Wolf jumped from foot to foot in faint glee. "Oh my gosh, is there any of the here? It's my favorite flavor!" Then she finally realized just what was going on. "Crap!" She scrambled to the exit, only to be blocked by Fuchsia. Strangely enough, she did not draw her own pink saber.

"Come on, Wolf," she said with good humor that seemed disturbing for a Sith...err, former Sith. "I didn't invite you here just to stick you on a shish kebab, you know."

Wolf refused to lower her guard. Contrary to popular belief, Wolf had streets smarts and some common sense, which made up for her lack of many other attributes. "Then why am I here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Fuchsia spared Wolf's dwindling dignity and didn't insult the girl. That would screw it all over. She twirled a colored toothpick in her fingers. "Fine, I'll line it out for you: I'm sick of this crap. Palpatine's regaining his brain, the Shredder hasn't changed at all since arrival, and everyone's plotting to kill each other."

"You'd be among the plotters," Wolf couldn't resist pointing out. "You're like a bipolar spicy tuna salad: you can't decide if you want come back up or not, so you're just giving the consumer extreme heartburn."

"Well, yes," Fuchsia concurred. "but-"

"Also, I can't believe that out feel for the 'Us Dark Siders have cookies' trick! Or was it cake? Well, either way, the cake is a lie. Good to see you've realized this."

"Okay then, but-"

"So what's going on with you guys?" Wolf continued, much to Fuchsia's chagrin. "Us, well, we've had a lot of problems. Han popped the question to Leia, and they're getting married this summer. Don 'accidentally' set Aragorn's hair on fire, so Arwen tried to kill Don. It didn't work out very well. I don't think even a B-list horror movie villain could've stabbed someone to death with an Oreo-"

"_Will you let me talk already?" _Fuchsia hissed. Wolf blushed and glowered at her feet. Fuchsia sighed in exasperation, but whether she was irritated by Wolf or herself, even she didn't know. "Look, the point is, I don't want to kill you and hopefully you don't want to kill me. I know for a fact that the villains won't even try. Voldemort and Sauron both detest Palpatine, and they couldn't care less about you and your actions.

"They get along fine with each other, but that may be because both of their enemies are adorable little chibis, especially the hobbits. Still, Sauron can't stand Harry. Every time they're around each other Harry licks his leg and scowls."

Wolf's eyes bugged out. "Harry did _what?" _

"Not that Harry!" Fuchsia screamed, mortified. "I was referring to the cat!"

Wolf could only gape. "Sometimes...I wonder about your sanity, but i do agree with you. And then I question myself for occasionally agreeing with you. But what the heck."

"So you'll stay?" Fuchsia already knew the answer.

"Well..." Wolf trailed. "Seeing how I have no life, I might as well. I can get exercise too. Mockery is my favorite sport, you know...Aside for Chocobo racing."

"A what?" Fuchsia raised one eyebrow in bamboozlement.

"A Chocobo. I've always wanted one, you know. I think they'll taste like heaven."

Fuchsia decided to back away from Wolf very, very slowly. Wolf sighed. "Alright, I'll stay but there's no way I'm dancing with you nut jobs."

"Deal!" Fuchsia howled. She wrapped an arm around Wolf's shoulders, and Wolf squirmed, her comfort zone being intruded upon. "Come on, I'll introduce you to the fun ones in this joint! You haven't had a proper conversation with them before."

Fuchsia and Wolf sauntered over to the refreshments table, where a strange bunch had gathered. "Hey guys! I told you she'd come!"

Count Dooku, Draco, and Wormtongue all turned to gape at Fuchsia's little buddy. Wolf instinctively shied away from Wormtongue, who was looking terribly disturbing. "You remind me of someone I used to know..."

"Was it Chuck Norris?" said Wolf.

"...Who?" Wormtongue's already distorted face scrunched up in confusion.

Wolf clicked her tongue, collecting her nerves. _The creepy pedophile can't touch you. You'd just kick his pale, wrinkly butt, remember? _Feeling reassured, Wolf succeeded in replying, "What a shame. When he comes to roundhouse kick you in the head for not knowing his identity, I'll be sure to bring my own popcorn. Maybe I'll give you a two minute warning, hmm?"

Dooku chuckled. "I always liked this one," he commented as he nibbled on a scone. The heavy beat of a Cobra Starship song thudded in Wolf's head, the only reminder that this entire situation was reality.

Draco leaned against the table, sipping what looked suspiciously like beer and grinning like a bleach blond deviled egg. Cocky little snot. "Hey there, Goldilocks. Long time, no see. Mind if I smoke? Because it's getting hot in here."

And Wolf thought Anakin was bad with pick-up lines. "I don't care if you burn, Draco."

"Ah! A spitfire!" Draco licked his lips; Wolf clenched her fists. "Well, I'm included in those who like it hot."

Wolf raised a fist, the fire in her eyes and her words really clear. "You wanna go, Blondie?"

If he wasn't such a douche bag (who was terrible with the ladies, if you could count Wolf as a lady), Wolf would've admired Draco's pluck; he gave no ground, even when facing the girl who threw him out a two-story window and nearly lit him ablaze. "You don't even have to say _'Lumos' _to turn me on!"

Wolf turned to Dooku and Fuchsia, who were watching with much amusement. "Which one of you introduced him to the Harry Potter pick-up lines?"

Dooku shrugged. "No idea, pal."

Fuchsia scratched her head, then halted as she was painstakingly reminded of Wolf's similar habit. "He must've made that one up. He hasn't really touched a computer as far as I know...As a matter of fact, most of us haven't had any contact with computers whatsoever."

Crap tart. The rodent was _learning. _Wolf did the only logical thing, which involved her pouring a glass of punch on him and shoving him into Wormtongue; the two stumbled onto the dance floor.

Wormtongue stared at draco blankly. "...You're certainly blond. Are you-"

"No, I am not Eowyn!" Draco shrieked in fury. "Just because I'm a blond and Eowyn is a cross dresser doesn't mean I'm her in disguise!"

Wormtongue snapped in disappointment. "Dang! Thwarted again!" The both stood there in silence for a moment, listening to Kesha.

"...I like this song," Draco admitted.

"Me too," Wormtongue nodded.

"...Wanna dance?"

"Heck yes!"

So, bizarrely enough, Draco and Wormtongue ended up as platonic dance partners. Wolf, Dooku, and Fuchsia gawked.

"I am so ashamed," Dooku groaned, now chomping on a spoon.

Fuchsia and Wolf heard the distinct sound of teeth chipping. Mortified once more, Fuchsia stole the spoon. "I thought you were over this phase!"

Dooku moaned in longing. "Give me my spoon, lady!" He lunged for the ex-Sith apprentice (what was she now, anyways? Wolf wondered) and they tumbled to the floor. Several people gathered around, and two stormtroopers steadily chanted, "CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!"

Deciding to take advantage of the fight, Wolf slipped away to seek something a bit more fun than two retards pulling out each others' hair over a spoon.

She bumped right into Voldemort. And what happened afterwards...well...

"Uh, hey there!" Wolf grinned, fear absent from her demeanor.

If Voldemort had eyebrows, he would've raised them. "You're...not afraid, Muggle?"

Wolf shrugged, deciding that "Muggle" was a compliment. "Not really. I've been stabbed, had my hand amputated, and went through various forms of torture and mind rape. Add my masochistic tendencies, and you have one hard core chick, if said chick learns how to fight and talk trash. Not only do I talk trash, but I talk to trash as well. Regarding trash, you'd certainly fit in the 'white' category."

Voldemort's nostrils flared. "If you weren't such an irritation to the self-proclaimed Emperor Palpatine, I'd kill you on the spot." Eyes darting to the refreshment table, he suddenly plucked a cup of tea from it and took a sip.

Wolf, on the other hand, snatched a can of Monster and snapped the lid open, steam streaming from its opening. "Eh, doesn't bother me. Death is only the beginning of life...But seeing how you _split your soul..._That's just sick, you know?"

Voldemort gave her a scathing look. "Are you always thinking like this?"

This time, it was Wolf's turn to shrug. "Maybe. One time, I was in the car with my family. My dad smelled like pickles and we were driving through Kentucky, but there wasn't a single KFC in sight...it was weird."

Voldemort rolled his feline eyes. "You bore me. _Crucio!" _

Hissing in surprise, Wolf collapsed to the floor under the force of the curse, biting her lip until it bled. A minute or so later, she gained the strength to stand again. "I thought you were going to leave me alone!"

Voldemort bared his teeth. "No, I only said I wouldn't kill you, Mudblood."

"Hoo, racist much?"

Voldemort decided to ignore this. Instead, he addressed the issue of Wolf's second lightsaber. "I see you have another weapon."

Cautiously, Wolf pulled her second saber from her chunky belt. "I've always been able to use the blade, but I've been learning to dual wield for the past two years. After testing myself with Leonardo, I made the decision to carry a second saber...Why am I telling you this?"

"I politely addressed the issue," Voldemort replied, as if it were obvious. Out of the blue, he asked, "What color?"

"Uh..." Wolf ignited the second lightsaber, revealing its yellow blade. She also activated her other red saber and twirled them experimentally.

Someone cackled behind her. "You look like a Jedi McDonald's mascot. Please switch the colors," said Fuchsia with a smirk.

"Whatever," Wolf said with a shrug. She gestured towards the snack table. "I'm pretty sure I've overused this joke, but doesn't the Dark Side have cookies? Seriously, why are there no cookies?"

Voldemort shrugged and pointed at Draco, who was dancing the hustle. "Why does the ferret boy act like an emo?"

"HEY!" Draco shouted over the music. "I AM NOT EMO!"

A wicked grin spread across Fuchsia's face. "Hey there, Draco..."

"DON'T EVEN START!"

_"La la la la, la la la la, Emo's World" _she said in a sick, twisted, sing-song voice.

Something pressed against Wolf's leg. "Hey, what the-" She glanced down. "Harry!" She grasped the fluffy kitty and gave him a hug. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! "Seeing Fuchsia giving her a quizzical look, she said, "It's because of this Harry that I got to throw Draco out a window." Petting Harry's furry head, she glanced at Voldemort. "I think you should've given him a different name."

"Oh really?" Voldemort raised his right hand towards his ear and flicked it outwards. "And just what should I have called him?"

"Cocoa Bean Snuggly Bumble Butt," Wolf deadpanned.

"Cocoa Bean doesn't work, he's not brown," said a frowning Fuchsia.

"You racist!" Wolf declared.

"He's not de-clawed, you know," Voldemort responded nonchalantly.

"So wha - OW!" Apparently the name "Cocoa Bean Snuggly Bumble Butt" aggravated Harry, because he scratched Wolf's arms and leaped away.

Wolf could've swore she heard _the cat _yelp, "RUN AWAY!" But she must've imagined it...but she'd been wrong before.

"Excuse me," she muttered to the villains. "Orange Juice, AWAY!" She transformed into her barn owl Animagus, leaving two _very _shocked villains behind.

It was a few minutes before Fuchsia said to Voldemort, "Wasn't there something about your guys' magic actually being the Force?"

"...Yes."

"So wouldn't Wolf's Animagus actually be Force powers?"

"...Yes."

Fuchsia clenched her fists. "SCREW YOU, WOLF, YOU LYING SNOT!" Yanking on a pair of rubber gloves, she pressed a button on the shoulder plate. It seemed to fly off her, twisting and turning until it morphed into a hovering glider. Hopping on it like Stitch on some demented surfboard, she gave chase.

* * *

Harry was one fast cat, Wolf/Orange Juice realized as she soared after him. She had to flap her wings like there was no tomorrow (or maybe it was 2012 in some lunatic's world).

There was a tiny bang behind her. Twirling her head in a one-eighty and still flapping, she spotted Fuchsia. What was she chasing her for-

"LIAR!" Fuchsia called.

Little Orange Juice still had no clue what she was talking about. An epic chase ensued, most of it involving how both a cat and a barn owl could outrace a cool metal glider. Harry was weaving through the halls, darting to and fro like a kitty ninja. Orange Juice was faring just as well, not trying to catch Harry now but fleeing from Fuchsia instead.

_Coward, _snarled the cruel voice in her head. _Why don't you just morph and fight her?_

_Uh, hello? Did you not see the awesome glider thing? _she replied huffily.

_I thought you were hard core crazy awesome! Crazy awesome people would fight a glider!_

_FINE! _Orange Juice shrieked. _I'll go and do the darn job and be done with-_

Fuchsia smacked into teeny, tiny Orange Juice. The owl spiraled out of control before transforming back into Wolf, who brought up her lightsabers with a _snap-hiss! _She sliced into the metalwork of the glider, causing only a superficial injury in the metal but wounding Fuchsia's pride.

With a bellow of fury, the ex-Sith barreled into Wolf once more, sending her sprawling. Upon landing, Fuchsia spun for a roundhouse kick and lost her balance as she hit only air.

"What the-"

_"Finish him!" _Wolf howled as she side-kicked Fuchsia in the head. It was a one-hit K.O. "FATALITY..." Wolf dragged Fuchsia to the wall, none too gently leaning her against it. "Crud," she murmured as she glanced about. "Which way is north? WHICH WAY?'

"It's to your right, spazz."

"Right. Thanks, Fuch...Wait!" Wolf's brain rattled as she spun faster than lightning to stare at Harry. "You _talk?" _

Wolf could barely believe it, but Harry shot her a feral grin. "But of course! You think some dumb animal would play Voldemort like a total tool?"

"Ugh..." Fuchsia moaned, glazed eyes finally opening. She glanced at Wolf. "Were...you just talking...to the cat?"

Excitement coursing through her veins, Wolf pointed at Harry. "Yes! He talks!"

"Oh really?" She glanced at Harry.

"Meow..."

Fuchsia rolled her eyes. "Clearly I'm not the only one with a head injury, Wolf."

"But...Come on! Harry! Talk to her!"

"She can't talk to me!" Harry exclaimed defensively. "She's not an Animagus...True, I'm not an ordinary cat, but I still can't speak the human language. True, there are other Animagi, such as Sirius Black, but I dislike him."

Wolf nodded in silent agreement. "So where are we?"

"If you'd stop talking to the freaking cat, we could find out, hmm?"

Now it was Wolf's turn to roll her eyes. Assisting Fuchsia to her feet, the unusual trio surveyed the area. "I found an apple core!" Wolf cried in triumph, holding up the absolutely rotten booty. "And it's granny smith, too!"

Fuchsia snorted. "You gonna eat that?" she sneered. Feeling like she was being challenged, Wolf gobbled the thing up. "Wolf, that's sick!"

"You're right..." the retard in question warbled. She stumbled, knocking her hand against a light panel. Upon collapsing to the ground, she spit up. Meanwhile, a secret door opened, much like the ones in Scooby-Doo, only much more ominous and less likely of possibly holding petty thieves dressed in bed sheets and silly putty. Dubious, Fuchsia and Harry examined the doorway thoroughly. "It seems safe," Fuchsia commented after a minute.

"Gross, there's little brown chunks in my spit!" Wolf responded before dry heaving.

Fuchsia yanked her up by the hair. "Come on, you dingbat." Yelping in shock, Wolf was dragged into the unknown by a demented Sith with a genius black cat on her heels.

"I'm jsut saying, this is a bad id - Ooh, shiny!" Wolf giggled as she regarded the wall. Her ADHD-like tendencies went haywire.

* * *

"I wish I was a ninja," Waffle said as she, Nemesis, Raph, and Mikey strolled through the hallway.

"It's not all it's cracked up to be," Mikey replied with a groan, rubbing his sore thighs. "Raph, why'd you pound me so hard?"

Raph massaged his own goose egg. "You were goadin' me, Mikey. Don't push it right now, either, you lunk!"

"So where is Wolf now? Nemesis queried, appraising her surroundings.

"No idea, but we're going to find her. I didn't like the sound of that dance party or whatever," Raph responded.

Waffle smiled cheekily. "Raphie..." she said in a too high, too creepy voice.

"Raphie..." Mikey added, going along with it.

"We're going on an adventure, Raphie!" continued Waffle.

"To Dandy Mountain, Raphie!"

"It's a land of magical dance and fun and joy..."

"Raaaaaphie!"

"Raaaaaaaphie!"

"STOP IT!" Raoh hollered in vexation. He glanced at Nemesis. "Aren't you goin' to help me?"

Nemesis gave him an incredulous look. "Nah, watching is fun."

"DANG IT!"

"Look, Raphie!" Waffle gaggled, pointing at a mysterious door. "It's a door...to adventure!"

"This is really gettin' on my nerves..."

"Open the door, Raphie..." Mikey trailed off, grinning cheekily at Raph.

"Open the dooooooor!"

"Open it!"

"Oooopen it!"

"IF I OPEN IT, WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP?"

"OPEN IT!"

"AGH!"

Raph pummeled the door with his shell; instantly, it burst open, sending the door flying straight into Saruman inside.

Awkward silence.

* * *

Even though she was now able to walk on her own, Fuchsia was still dragging Wolf by the elbow. To be honest, this was probably due to Wolf dilly dallying every single moment to do the moonwalk...and the Macarena...and, alright, I have no clue what the last move was supposed to be.

"Ooh, what's that?" Wolf ogled something shiny in the corridor.

"Nothing important, Wolf," Fuchsia reprimanded, dragging Wolf onward.

"No! I'm serious! Look!" Wolf cried out in desperation.

Deciding to help Wolf's cause, Harry nipped at Fuchsia's heel and then ran off in the right direction. "Darn that cat," Fuchsia muttered, dropping Wolf's arm to chase Harry. Sighing in relief, Wolf beat Fuchsia to the door and opened it. It slid open, and all else was forgotten once Wolf and Fuchsia saw the room's contents.

Harry spoke first. "That is probably the second biggest computer I've ever seen."

Fuchsia didn't understand, but Wolf nodded. "You took the words right out of my mouth, Harry."

It was one monstrous computer. There were at least eight enormous monitors and three transparent but hi-tech keyboards. It whirled with intense power, and it almost seemed to have a presence of its own.

Nervous, Fuchsia began to back out of the room, but this time Wolf managed to pull her forward. "Come on, be hard core for once in your life!"

"I am hard core!" Fuchsia retaliated as they approached the computer. "You know Neville's flower bed outside? That really big one? I stomped on it for two hours straight today."

"Yeah, that really makes you a straight up G," Wolf replied with sass, plopping down on a stool next to the computer. "Now, how do you log on..."

Fuchsia butted Wolf off the stool. "Step aside, dork. There's no way I'm letting you near this gold mine. Mine!"

_"My precious..." _Wolf hissed menacingly.

Fuchsia snapped. "I can't stand this." Jumping off the chair, she spun Wolf around and reached forward.

Wolf reacted as well, thought she earned different...results. Wrapping one arm around Fuchsia's waist, the other rested on her opposite shoulder. Stepping in front of her, Wolf pulled hard and flipped Fuchsia, tossing her into the ground.

Allotted time: two point three seconds. Could've been better, Wolf decided.

Then Wolf's legs were kicked out from underneath her. With Harry amusedly watching, Wolf and Fuchsia punched, clawed, and elbowed furiously, always scrabbling on the floor.

"Are you two done?" said a unique, slightly mechanical voice. mouth nearly hit the floor as she stood up, and Fuchsia gasped. The computer came to life, screens blazing with various pictures. "The noise is going to fry my circuits."

"The computer...is talking!" Wolf babbled. "And it's not the droll tones of computerized checkers or any of that crap, it's like a person! A person! Happy day! What's your name? I'm Wolf!"

"Oh my..." Facepalm on Fuchsia's part.

"I'm Demetri," replied the computer genially. "Who are your friends?"

Wolf gestured towards Fuchsia and Harry. "This is Avocado Mothballs and Harry the Cat."

"My name is Darth Fuchsia!" Fuchsia interjected.

"You're still a Sith?" Demetri gasped. "I thought you were working for the Shredder now?"

"Well yes, but - wait, how do you know that?" Now Fuchsia was weirded out.

"This whole mansion is wired," Demetri replied with a hint of pride. "I worked on it myself a few years back, before I got stuck in this computer..."

"So how did you not know our names if you knew about everything else?" questioned Wolf, who could easily accept the idea of a person in a computer.

Demetri ignored Wolf, and instead addressed Fuchsia when she asked, "So you're a person?"

"Why yes, thank you for noticing my humanity, kind Sith creeper lady!" Wolf snickered, and Fuchsia scowled. "I used to live here with the other members of our little colony-"

_"A colony?" _Fuchsia yowled.

"You guys were ants?" said an astonished Wolf.

"No! Dear Force, you're pretty stupid. Not exactly helping the dumb blond stereotype, are you?" Wolf blushed with shame. "Anyways, I'll continue. I was a Force sensitive living in a colony of people called the Lakana. We were similar to people, but with a few differences: Unlike other Force sensitives, for instance, some of us could master various elements. If one of the Force sensitives had the potential to control an element, they were trained here rather than with the Jedi. Good thing, too, because of Order 66."

"So wait, that means...WHAA?" Wolf didnt bother covering up for her gawking. "But that means...THEY'RE NOT IMAGINARY?"

"Stop it with the caps locks!" Fuchsia screeched in pain, plugging her ears in anguish.

"But they're all real! It's all real, Fuchsia! Anakin, Luke, the Turtles, everyone...So what about you?"

"Wh-what?" Fuchsia stammered.

"Well, I had thought it was the over of my thoughts and those strange vortexes that brought you to life, but I thought the same of the characters, and..."

"If it helps you, she has a definite Force signature. I've seen a few of the reality bends here at this deathtrap, and she doesn't feel like one of them. She's a person...There's something else about you guys, too, but..."

Fuchsia fist pumped. "I'm real!" She pointed a mocking finger at Wolf. "Suck on that, butthead!"

Fuchsia continued to victory dance like that. Wolf sat down on the stool. "So why are you stuck in a computer? And if Fuchsia is real...then what about-"

"Are you talking about the 'Mary Sue' chick?" Demetri offered helpfully.

"Uh...yeah?"

He sighed. "Wolf, I'm not sure what that girl is, but she's definitely real. Oh, and by the way...pistachio pudding?"

Wolf shrugged. "I prefer butterscotch, to be honest, and I'd rather have ice cream than either of those."

"Me too. Before the massacre, I used to go out with my friends and eat Baskin Robbins..."

_"Massacre? _What? Oh my gosh..."

"Here's the story..." Demetri's voice quivered but did not crack. "I was one of the element controllers in training, along with a few others. We were training under one of the best. Her name was-"

"Toph? Azula? Katara?"

"...No, it was-"

"It was Zuko, right? I always knew he had problems, but really, a transvestite is a bit too much, don't you think?"

"Her name was Tanya Ching Ching-" Wolf busted up laughing. "Come on! I know it's a stupid name, but it's better than Master Alfalfa! He taught us piloting and navigation!" This caused Wolf only to laugh harder at the prospect of someone with such a silly name.

"Anyways," he said with authority. Wolf's mouth shut, though a few snorts occasionally escaped. "I was trained by...Tanya, along with my other friends. We all learned to control our various elements (some with more ease than others), and it was all good. Tanya was also a scientist, and she taught us about the attributes of light and darkness, the color spectrum, etc."

"In this colony, there was also the great Master Pludong-" Wolf snickered. "Shut up. Pludong was different from the rest of the element masters, because he had the power to control reality. He wasn't all-powerful or anything, of course, but he was still able to cause quite the shock wave when needed. He and Tanya were great heroes in the Myri Soy War."

"By Myri Soy...Is that like a Mary Sue?" asked Fuchsia, who had just finished her victory dance.

"Well, yes," said Demetri.

Fuchsia clenched her fists. "I hate those suckers."

"We all do," Wolf murmured, thinking of Myst.

"However," Demetri continued. "Pludong did not trust Tanya. I heard they had some sort of schism back in the war, so they split. He was right to not trust her, too. Tanya wanted to take one of her light and darkness experiments to the next level and use a human test subject. The idea was to use the memories a person and extract them, giving it all shape and form. Pludong put his foot down, though, and banned it, but Tanya went behind his back and forcefully took one of her pupils and conducted it, yanking out the darkest memories. It succeeded...and we all paid the price."

Demetri paused. "Are you okay?" Wolf asked with concern.

"...She killed my friends, you know," Fuchsia gasped, and Wolf bit her knuckles until they bled, though the blood went unnoticed. "Everyone was killed except for, as far as I know, myself, Tanya, and that monster...The creature took a human form and immediately went into the test subject's mind, ripping it apart. Then it went on a rampage. First it attacked Tanya's only apprentice. She fought valiantly, but...I fled. I grabbed the still living body and I fled. It wasn't natural, the monster."

She sounds like a douche bag," Wolf agreed. She was pretty surprised that Demetri wasn't blowing up at everything with all this angst. "How long ago was all this?"

"I wouldn't word it like that, but...yeah, pretty much. It was about two years ago. In a last effort, I managed to flee and come to the computer's grid, and I've been stuck here ever since. It's not all fun and games here, either. I've had all these viruses and Trojans and the mainframe wants to murder me...

"Tanya and the monster went along and killed the other inhabitants. Tanya, well, She was good at murder...and dance...and volleyball...and arson...She would always laugh before a kill. It was excessive laughter, and it was annoying. I had audio then, but not visual. It was a house of horrors.

"The other apprentice had something wrong with her mind. The body was still living, but her mind and heart were gone...I still don't know what happened to her. As for the test subject, I never saw that particular person again, and I'm not sure how I feel about that."

Wolf and Fuchsia sat there for awhile, absorbing this new information. Finally, Fuchsia spoke, "Well, I'm really sorry about all tha-OW!" She had gone to pat the computer's monitor, but she had taken her gloves off earlier, and ended up shocking herself.

Wolf rolled on the floor with laughter. Talk about mood whiplash.

* * *

"I told Demetri I'd visit him soon," Wolf said as she, Fuchsia, and Harry trotted back to the dance party.

"I heard you, dork. By the way, I have a bone to pick with you." Without warning, Fuchsia turned on her lightsaber.

"Hey!" Wolf snatched her own sabers. "What's the deal?"

"You told me you gave away your Force powers, but you can still use your Animagus and Metamorphmagus powers just fine!"

Wolf grinned sheepishly. "Well, I can't use them very _well, _and I haven't had any luck with my Metamorphmagus powers since who knows when-"

"But those are Force powers!"

"So what if they-" Wolf's eyes widened. "Oh."

Fuchsia huffed. "I should've known. Not only that you can't just give away Force powers, but I should never have trusted you!"

"I didn't know either," said Wolf. She glared at Fuchsia. "And even if I had, why should I apologize? You were going to kill my friends!"

"You ruined my life!"

"You chopped off my hand!"

"You set me on fire!" Fuchsia gave up on arguing and prepared to duel, but Wolf extinguished her lightsabers.

"Fuchsia, I'm going to do something much more logical..."

"What, run?" Fuchsia cackled, slapping her knee. "Wolf, I can beat you easily! I have my gli..." She motioned to her shoulder, but there was no armor there. "What the..."

Grinning, Wolf held up the armor and pressed the button. As it shifted into the glider, Wolf waved and hefted Harry into her arms. "See ya! Run, run, as fast as you can! you can't catch me 'cause I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

Soon enough, Fuchsia was only a speck. Wolf, on the other hand, found something much more disturbing than a PMS-ing ex-Sith.

"Go Mikey! Go Mikey! Go Mikey!" everyone was chanting with enthusiasm as Mikey did a turtle-esque version of the worm. On the opposite side of the circled bystanders, Voldemort was doing the moonwalk, and Waffle was trying to jerk in the middle.

Sometimes Wolf questioned the duality of human life.

* * *

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've had a lot of people say this story shouldn't be such a crack fic. There's too many characters, the plot makes no sense, blah, blah, blah. Guess what, though? It's a CRACK fic, it's not supposed to make sense! Hence, the crack part! **

**I am now determined to make this one of those semi-serious crack fics, with as many characters and fandoms as possible while retaining a semblance of sanity that I sorely lack.**

**Coming up next, the stunning entrance of Chocobo Head and pals!**

**The line about Fuchsia stomping on Neville's flower bed came from the song "I'm Hard Core" by Ryan Higa.**


	38. Sephie's Mom Has Got It Goin' On

**Another fandom is entering! Aren't I terrible? Still, the plot will make sense, however, and I'm shortening the list of really, really important characters. **

**This fic no longer follows real time. Until I say otherwise, Wolf and co. remain the age they are now.**

**Hey, this chapter is really sp[ecial, alright? Thanks to that glitch, this is the first time I've ever updated in Disney World! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: Wolf doesn't own **_**Star Wars, TMNT, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Power Rangers, Hercules, Billy Madison, The Princess Bride, **_**K-Mart, Aunt Jemima, the Cubs, Spam, Dr. Pepper, Starbucks, Buffalo Wild Wings, or any of the songs/music artists referenced in this story.**

**Can I shorten the disclaimer and just say I own nothing except Wolf, Fuchsia/Melinda, Demetri, Orion, and Myst?**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: Sephie's Mom Has Got It Goin' On**

Unless you were referring to the gangsters by the same name, Mikey had never seen a purple dragon before. Needless to say, his first spotting of one scared the shell out of him.

"HOLY COW!" he screeched, hopping onto Raph's back as he whimpered in fear. Nemesis busted up laughing, Waffle snickered, Luna smiled dreamily, and Snape rolled his eyes as Orion landed down on the front lawn with a heavy thud.

Leo offered the dragon a bow, and Don marveled at Orion's purple scales, much like the shade of his ninja mask. Orion brought his eyes to everyone's level. _Oh, goody! Lunch!_

The sound came out of his voice box, and Mikey yelped again and shirked away, running madly to the mansion door.

"Okay..." Don trailed.

"So why're we here?" Raph interrogated Snape, Luna, Mara, Waffle, Nemesis, and Orion.

Everyone looked toward Snape in tandem, because naturally the oldest person present would hold the answers. And we all know that Snape is ancient. Snape huffed as he explained, "Solo and Organa are planning to invite less than...savory people to their wedding, and they both pleaded for me to attempt to set up some sort of barrier blocking all violence that promises major injuries or death. Miss Lovegood was the only other person I found who could assist-" he curled his lip in distaste, and Luna continued to whistle "Hakuna Matata". "I invited you all to take charge in case the curse backfires dramatically."

Nemesis raised her hand cheekily. "Wouldn't that backfire on _us _as well?"

"Snape told me earlier it's a risk he's willing to take," Luna replied nonchalantly to the others, causing them to blanch.

Orion snickered, and Waffle elbowed him in his vulnerable gut. "It's not funny!"

_When you're me, everything is funny, _the dragon retorted.

"That includes helium balloons!"

Orion gaped, which was a strange expression for a dragon. _How do you know about that? _Rather than answer the dragon, Waffle smiled and headed for the door, which was too short for Orion, the poor unfortunate soul.

"Now then," Snape continued, ignoring Orion's gasp of incredulity. "Mara, you have ways of communicating with the others, right? This spell is highly experimental, and could cause more havoc than when Potter and Weasley had those blasted pixie stix."

"Yes," Mara responded, grasping a rather unusual device. It had been a Christmas gift from Obi-Wan. "I'm very wary about using it, though, especially without the others around..."

Snape waved her off. "Now, let us continue." He and Luna aimed their wands at the sky, which made little sense since they were trying to protect the mansion, not the fluffy clouds in the sky. _"Subsisto morsus!" _In unison, sparkly jets of light billowed into the sky; a flash of light temporairily blinded the group.

Moments later, the light subsided, and they took their time adjusting their eyes. Orion peered at them all. _Well, there's one way to find out if it worked! _

"AHH!" Nemesis shrieked, sprinting inside immediately. Orion hadn't even been considering her, but instead he lunged toward Don, who howled in terror.

The trick had worked: Rather than devour Don, Orion was flung ten feet backward and landed on his back, skidding to a halt seconds later.

Luna dusted her hands off. "All in a day's work."

They walked inside immediately. Then the spell came into effect and the chaos commenced.

* * *

Digging into one of those snack-sized Ben and Jerry's cups on top of a nonhuman mortal enemy's deathbed never felt so good. Smiling to herself, Wolf took another bite of gooey banana goodness and lazily tossed bread crumbs down towards the ocean of illogical pistachio pudding below. Red-eyed ducks, some of the remaining members of Mystera's vicious animal army, swarmed around the crumbs and pecked each other to the point of agony until one sneaky duck made off with the loot.

Wolf rarely gave much of anything a thought when she wasn't in church, but her mind kept wandering to Myst lately, interrupting her usual chain of silliness within her heart and brain.

What Demetri had said just a few day ago really had her in a tizzy, which Wolf presumed was similar to the experience one would have after drinking a bottle of vodka and hurling the bottle into the K-Mart parking lot, breaking many laws and losing even more brain cells.

It was against Wolf's code and nature to angst for very long, but today she couldn't help but wonder _why. Why _was Myst out to kill her, and _why _did Myst become a Mary Sue? Was she even a Mary Sue? Better yet, just who the heck was she? These thoughts consumed Wolf to a point of obsession, washing over her, cascading through her heart and-

"I'm pretty sure I'm not angsting that much, Flow," Wolf glowered at the air. "This is mostly PMS if you ask me."

Oh. I was unaware.

"You're a _voice in my head," _Wolf couldn't help but point out as she took another spoonful. "A voice that many other people can hear, I might add. You'd think a schizophrenic's voices would know what's going on, but _no. _You just have to drone on about crack nonsense for eternity, making this fic totally impossible to comprehend, even for me!"

As you can see, Wolf was annoyed, but that's probably due to the blood coming from-

"Do not continue that sentence if you know what's good for you!"

Oh really, my friend? You've just tangled with the wrong man!

"So you're a transsexual now?"

Wolf's angst was..._not _consuming her, but she couldn't help but brood. There was one topic bothering her at the moment...the Myri Soys. Or, as Wolf still referred to them as, the Mary Sues. How did they exist?

Wolf tossed her empty cup and spoon into the pool below and stood up, dusting off her hoodie. Well, she could always ask Demetri. She had no doubt that the guy had lied to her and Melinda more than once during that conversation, but there was always the hope that he could be an honest digital-American citizen. An honest citizen from off planet that somehow spoke English...just like everyone else Wolf had encountered so far.

She went for the door...and found herself facing a total stranger with ludicrously striking features. The girl had waist length purple hair and pink eyes, and a katana dangled from her dainty waist.

Wolf did the rational thing and stood perfectly still, gaping.

"Hi!" said the girl with a wave. "My name is Sakura, Sakura Angelique Jade Saralynn Joanna. I'm here to look for my long lost sister. Her name's Kairi. Have you seen her?"

Wolf tried to speak but was dumbstruck. Well, at least this one wasn't connected to her past...

"I'm a Princess of Heart, so I have no darkness in my heart and my parents, Sephiroth and Aerith Gainsborough, had to abandon me because Sephiroth wanted to stab my mother but he refused to kill me because I'm so precious-"

"I'm sorry," Wolf interjected, shaking her hands in a dismissive manner. "I have not met Kairi as of yet, and frankly, if I had, I wouldn't tell you anyways. Err, purple and pink are pretty plain colors for hair and eyes."

Sakura flipped her hair over her shoulder and giggled loftily. "Silly! My hair is psychedelic orchid-amethyst and my eyes are Persian magenta fandango cerise!"

Wolf despised redundant redundancy. "You're a Mary Sue!" Wolf blurted, which was possibly a grave mistake.

Sakura hissed in outrage and gave Wolf a deep, heroic look that would've inspired Hercules. "You're just trying to keep me from my family! All I'm trying to do is save Anakin Skywalker from Sauron, but you're just preventing me from reaching my true potential! I bet you're one of them!"

Sakura seemed to rise several feet in the air, and Wolf suddenly felt awfully small. Her lightsabers were probably like toothpicks against this girl! "Uh..." Wolf gulped. She was mad! Totally mad!

Madness?

"If you try to open for a _300 _reference, Flow, I swear I'll go on medications," hissed Wolf. Sakura was...was...

Lame. Wait, lame?

Cautiously, Wolf took a step toward Sakura, who screamed, "DIE!" and summoned forth her platinum katana. No, Sakura was not strong. The strength was a lie, dang it!

Wolf smiled dryly at Sakura. "No thank you." The lightsaber plunged through Sakura's mouth, skewering her like a shish kebab. Sakura cried weakly in disappointment before she exploded into a pile of rainbow glitter.

Stepping back, Wolf wondered why that had been so much easier than her previous battle with Myst, during which Wolf had only been victorious due to some literal dishonorable backstabbing. And this girl was glitter...Myst was black goop...

She shut the door of the cliff, leaving the glittery remains as well as the angst and PMS behind her. She shook her head in bemusement, wondering why a random Mary Sue had decided to attack a nondescript nonentity who wasn't even significant to a fandom. "Sometimes I wonder about this plot," she commented, glancing at the innumerable doors. "Now, which one of these was a kitchen..." she browsed about, occasionally opening a door or two.

"Now, what's behind door number one!" Wolf yelled jovially as she hurled open the door. An amazingly epic toilet and an equally wonderful sink met her sights, leaving her with only bitterness. You cannot make microwave popcorn in a toilet, you see.

On and on, Wolf opened door after door. She ended up unleashing many things, including an undead samurai, a talking, conniving tiger, two repo men, and a dragon on an acid trip, but those are all stories for another time.

Hours later, Wolf's desire for apple juice had begun to wane, and she was silently cursing the cracked nature of the mansion and its myriad of pointless doors that disappeared on and off at irregular intervals. Hurling another door and finding nothing but a strange, ramshackle town, Wolf turned around with a stomp of her foot and prepared to slam the door.

That's when the overlarge katana almost loped off her head.

Wolf forced herself not to scream as a man with a ridiculously long katana and equally lengthy hair leaped past her, pursued by a spiky haired man with a wider but shorter blade. Gaping, Wolf could only gawk at the two guys geeks and gamers knew as Sephiroth and Cloud.

Sephiroth, his silver hair flying behind him, twisted and swung his sword, Masamune, in a wide arc. Cloud's own sword, First Tsurugi, swatted Masamune away with much effort, and Cloud braced himself against the wall before flying forward in an attempt to impale his enemy. Sephiroth also flung himself at Cloud, his sword slashing through the air to parry.

That was when Snape's spell took effect.

Comically, Cloud and Sephiroth bounced right off each other and went sprawling into opposite walls. Astonishingly, neither one regained their balance in time to prevent the collision, but they were on their feet in seconds.

"What did you do?" Cloud questioned hotly.

"I did nothing, Cloud," Sephiroth replied with the ghost of a frown. He pointed an accusatory finger at Wolf. "Did it cross your mind to consider that she's the source?"

"It wasn't me!" Wolf held up her hands. Her eyes darted back and forth, searching for an escape route and finally pinpointing the nearest door, she cried out, "Bye, Cloud!" and dashed to the nearest door.

It disappeared the instant she touched the doorknob. Scratch that, nearly all the doors disappeared.

Cloud, meanwhile, had not learned from his mistakes, and took another swing at Sephiroth. Sephiroth calmly took a step backward and allowed Cloud to plant his face into the floor. Once he stood up, Wolf got the proper chance to assess their wardrobe.

Both of them would've stuck out like a sore, broken, swollen thumb in public. Cloud had a one sleeved sweater one with black boots and a nice and gigantic clip on his back for his sword. His ridiculously spiky blond hair and bright mako eyes made him very anime-esque.

Sephiroth, on the other hand, was clad in body hugging leather with black straps running across his chest. No shirt, it seemed...At least he had a black leather coat that ran past his knees, slightly covering his black boots. Shoulder plates adorned his shoulders (well, where else would you put them, obviously?). His silver locks were just as long as his coat, and his sickly green eyes had slits for pupils. Just like Voldemort, though Sephiroth came a lot closer to world domination than Voldemort had.

Wolf regretted thinking of this half-compliment the moment Sephiroth held Masamune to her throat and demanded, "Where are we?"

Cloud also had First Tsurugi out; however, it was aimed at Sephiroth, not Wolf. Wolf gulped before replying, "Uh, planet Earth, population somewhere over two billion, home of the Chicago Cubs and Final Fantasy VII...sorta."

This was going to take a few hours at the least.

* * *

Seeing Luke Skywalker angry was a rare sight. Seeing Luke Skywalker attempting to strangle Severus Snape in a fit of rage was unheard of. However, this was what he was doing.

It was even funnier when he bounced right off Snape after the greasy haired man's windpipe began to close. Call them what you want, but this little trick only proved how epic (or possibly moronic) Snape and Luna were.

"What the heck happened?" Wolf asked as she dashed toward them, looking anxious.

Sensing her nervousness, Luke regained his composure and told her, "Apparently Snape created a spell that can repel all danger and guard its charges. Unfortunately, that includes danger from the outside as well as the inside, so it took away all exits out of this place. We're stuck in here until it wears out, which Snape said may be a month!"

Wolf gaped. "A month? What kind of crap is that?"

Snape coughed defensively. "The spell, also known as the _deus ex machina _incantation, is very experimental at the moment-"

Wolf pointed a finger to the direction she came from. "Tell that to those two!"

Peering forward in interest, Snape, Luke, Luna, and Mara all managed to catch the unusual sight of the new terrible duo.

It was then that Luke screamed in terror and Mara gawked in disbelief. "Someone tell me that isn't Sephiroth!"

"Unfortunately," said Cloud as he moseyed up to them with an irked frown. "it is."

Sephiroth smirked. "Oh, I suppose you're jealous because they didn't recognize you as well?"

Snape narrowed his eyes. "And who are you two?"

"You mean you've never heard of Sephiroth?" Luke gasped. "Well, Cloud too, I suppose..."

"Of course not, you dunderhead," Snape sneered. "Not all of us had access to intergalactic travel."

Luke cowered behind Mara, biting his lip. "Why hasn't he impaled us yet?"

Mara stepped aside; Luke stumbled forward. "Luke, did you really forget tackling Snape in a blind fury about that spell that keeps everyone from harming each other? Force, I'm dating an idiot." Luke blushed as Mara said to Snape, "Sephiroth is a monster that some consider to be an embodiment of darkness." Cloud shifted at this, and Sephiroth almost seemed to smirk. "He's been around the worlds, usually trying to destroy them, though sometimes Cloud stops him. They never stop fighting...Oh yeah, Sephiroth's 'mother' is Jenova, a monstrous alien who wants to destroy the Planet, etc. At least, that's what the rumors say. "

Wolf stepped up to Cloud and Sephiroth. "So, uh, I'm guessing that you guys are the _Kingdom Hearts _versions of you guys...That sentence sounds so weird." Cloud and Sephiroth bristled in confusion, but Cloud slumped when he realized they couldn't fight for awhile now. Or leave, for that matter. Crud muffin. "So, for now, we're all stuck here. Oh well. No harm done! Who wants blue popsicles?"

"Ooh! I do! I do!" Luke Luna exclaimed excitedly, hurrying off after Wolf as she went to get some popsicles. "I'll bring you guys back some!" she shouted over her shoulder.

Sephiroth glared at her. "I'm stuck with her for a month?"

Cloud sighed. "Who does she remind me of..."

Snape just stared at them and their crazy hair.

* * *

As the time passed by, many peculiar incidents occurred, less than half of which Cloud found enjoyable.

For one thing, he had to endure countless taunts from Sephiroth, who encouraged him to accept the darkness, give in to him, etc. etc. He also felt something within his mind writhing, trying to change according to this loony mansion. Then there was everything else.

On the second day, he explored this unfamiliar place with caution, poking his pointy head into the occasional door. That has certainly resulted in plenty of discord. Cloud had to face a murderous giant turtle wearing a red mask that kept talking about some Mikey guy blowing up a refrigerator, flee from some teenage girl calling herself Jada Lorraine Fantasia Mozambiqua with waist length blue hair, eat a practically toxic sandwich made of some meat called Spam, and go against other horrors.

The rest of it wasn't nearly so bad.

Sometime in the afternoon, Cloud encountered a bright computer room holding two occupants, seeming to talk to the computer itself.

"I'm telling you, Demetri, she stole my armor!" said a strange brunette girl with a rash on her arms. She itched it often.

"So?" jibed the computer, whom Cloud assumed was Demetri. "It was just one of those moments, like 'Don't cha wish your armor was hot like mine?' I'm sure she'll give it back."

The yellow haired girl Cloud had met previously sighed. "Fine, I'll give it back, though the rule clearly states no givsies-backsies."

"You stole it!" the brunette argued.

"You were going to kill me!" the yellow one countered.

"Hello," said Cloud to announce his interest.

The yellow one's eyes widened as she grinned and waved cheerfully. "Hiya, Cloud! Oh, I never introduced myself. My name is Wolf and this is my friend Jemima Jambalaya."

Jemima opened her mouth to probably protest, but Demetri's hi-tech giggles drowned her out. Cloud's expression didn't change as he asked, "Do you know where there's a kitchen around here? One that doesn't serve Spam sandwiches, too."

Wolf's grin seemed to widen even further. All in all, Cloud found it a silly expression, but at least it was genuine. "Ah, Obi-Wan offered you one of his signature Spamwiches."

Jemima rubbed her chin. "I think he gave one of those to Draco before, because the rodent ran into a meeting screaming bloody murder about the mean old Jedi and the evil flying sandwiches..."

"AWMIGAWSH, a sandwich," Wolf droned in a nasally voice.

"Nice impression," Demetri commented.

"Thanks!" said Wolf as she hopped past Cloud. "Come on, let's go get some waffles!"

It was during that stroll that Cloud first heard the name Mary Sue.

The walk was pretty uninteresting to Cloud, with Wolf handing a teeny shoulder plate over to Jemima. Cackling gleefully, Jemima strapped it to her right shoulder and stuck her tongue out at Wolf. "That's what you get for stealing from someone as amazing as me!" she boasted.

Wolf gave her an incredulous. "You do realize that I just handed it to you, right? We're equals in a fight...I hope."

"Well yes, but remember, when facing Mary Sues, I'm always the one who kills them."

Cloud's eyes widened in alarm. "You two have killed girls before?"

Wolf's mouth turned into a horrified "O" as she exclaimed, "No! A Mary Sue is a monstrous creature with no true personality or character development! They're supposedly perfect, but in reality they're vapid creatures who only want one thing..."

Jemima backed away from Wolf mid-step. "You can't be serious!"

"About what?" Wolf frowned, puzzled. "Frappuccinos?"

"Never mind," Jemima said as she slapped her forehead.

While Jemima bemoaned the loss of teleportation abilities due to the mansion's little problem, Cloud pushed ahead and opened the kitchen door Wolf pointed out. A brunette woman with crazy braids and a cocky-looking blond man were cooking something with that guy who had been hiding behind the redhead during Cloud's arrival. There was also a tall blond chick wearing oven mitts.

"Hey, guys!" said Wolf, waving happily. "I'd like you to meet Cloud."

Cloud walked right past them and straight to the fridge. Even so, the strangers were all eager to introduce themselves. "Hi!" said the tall girl. "My name's Nemesis. You're pretty new around here, so I thought I'd warn you that the refrigerator-"

Cloud yelped in alarm and slammed the door as a humongous purple tentacle constricted his wrist. Moments later, it made a gurgling noise and pulled away.

"-contains a live octopus..."

The cocky-looking guy grinned and elbowed Cloud knowingly. "The newcomers always get freaked out by something or other. It's okay, you can confess to being incompetent." Cloud's fists clenched as he narrowed his eyes darkly. "Hey, I'm Anakin Skywalker."

The littler guy smiled sympathetically, conveying the message of, "I'm sorry, he was dropped on his head at birth, ignore his stupidity." He waved slightly. "Hello, I'm Luke Skywalker."

The brunette was much more obvious about her displeasure with the cocky guy. "I apologize for my father. He doesn't respond well to people who are better or more famous than him. I'm also sorry about you being stuck here. I realize that you and Sephiroth-" Luke winced. "want to kill each other, and I regret that you have to wait to do that."

Behind Cloud, Wolf said, "Wow, you make it sound like a good thing, like fighting Sephiroth helps Cloud compensate for things." As Jemima and Nemesis snickered, Wolf's eyes widened. "I didn't mean it like that! You know, because he's always feeling crappy about his crappy attitude-"

"Wolf," said Cloud. "Stop. Now."

She sighed. "Sorry, Cloud. It's all unintentional. I just make things awkward. Right, Leia?"

Brunette chick glared for some reason, so Cloud decided to politely intervene by stating, "Look, is there any food around here or not? And I mean food I can reach without being strangled by an octopus."

Anakin shrugged. "Not much, Cloudy. Luke and I are having a baking contest to see who can make the best soufflé in order to solve our father-son rivalry, but other than that, nada."

"Come on!" Cloud groaned in exasperation. "There has to be something to eat!"

"Death," said a melodious, ominous voice. Everyone jumped in fright as a dark, pale figure quivered into existence before them straight out of a shadow in the corner. "The world is full of darkness, enveloping, enshrouding, demolishing all within sight. It is endless..."

Cloud gave the girl a once-over. she had very dark brownish-black hair, red eyes, and was clad in black leather and spikes. "Oh great," Jemima moaned. "Just freaking fantastic."

"An emo Sue!"

"And we can't kill it," Wolf suddenly realized, to everyone's horror.

Cloud wasn't really sure what the big deal was. Then _it _began to talk. "Crimson blood rains down upon us...that's where I gained my name: Crimson Tyde, spelled with a 'Y', not an 'I'. My world was consumed by darkness, and myself along with it. For all eternity I shall pay..."

A timer beeped, interrupting Crimson Tyde's speech. Luke rushed to retrieve his soufflé, which had been cooked to perfection.

"Lost for all time, determined to make the dangers known, I gained the power of intense emotional manipulation, so I can be like this and people will still read about me, endorse me, sympathize with my endeavors with the darkness, alone in the universe-"

A second timer had gone off, and Anakin hurried to save his soufflé, which had burst into flames, so unlike Luke's own masterpiece.

"Now I must face my darkest foe, who wants to kill me for reasons totally unexplained due to flat characterization, which is another thing I enjoy angsting about. No, I do not enjoy angst; I enjoy nothing. Nothing brings fulfillment...nothing can quench my thirst. It is a vicious cycle-"

Luke and Nemesis laughed at Anakin, who had burst into flames while fanning the fire that was once his French entree and was now dancing wildly in an attempt to stop the blaze.

"Never-ending, forever, on and on! Woe! Woe is me, who has nothing to be! I am the reason my world perished (though I myself had little to do with the actual destruction)! I, who alone lost against the horror that is the cruelest enemy! Darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness..."

"Are you done?" Cloud queried. "Your overuse of 'darkness' is making you sound a lot like-"

"It is now time for a haiku," Crimson Tyde broke in. She pulled a paper from hammerspace and read:

_"Flames envelop me_

_They snuff out the light, which sucks_

_Oh, the humanity."_

"Hey!" Wolf interjected, raising her eyebrows. "Not only was that an inaccurate amount of syllables for the last line, but the large amount of stabbing sounds like Sephiroth!"

"What?" cried Cloud.

"Yes!" shrieked Crimson Tyde, her dark hair flailing wildly due to a nonexistent wind. "Sephiroth, the hated darkness, _my _darkness. How he outshines me and my own issues! Excuse me, I must emote shame." Reaching into the freezer, she pulled out a gallon of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream and began to gorge herself, repeating, "I am _such _an abomination" with self-loathing after every bite.

"Wow," Wolf commented on this, nudging Cloud. "You know, all you angsty Square protagonists should take a leaf out of her book. Ice cream is a healthier outlet than dueling with your arch enemy."

Cloud glowered at them all, even Anakin, who had _finally _figured out how to stop, drop, and roll. "Sephiroth is _not _her arch enemy! He's mine! Mine, I tell you!"

"Well, Cloud," said the man/monstrosity himself as he entered the room. Luke cowered behind Leia. "I didn't know you thought so _highly _of me."

"Shut up!" Cloud shouted, brandishing his sword despite his inability to actually use it.

"Oh, look, my nemesis," Crimson Tyde drawled as she stood, setting her Cherry Garcia ice cream on the counter. "What terror."

Sephiroth stared. "Who are you?"

"My name is Crimson Tyde!" she said with an air of dar...you get the idea. "You killed my world; prepare to suffer!"

"Whoa!" Nemesis stepped between Crimson Tyde and Sephiroth. "You can get as angsty as you want, but when a Mary Sue brings _The Princess Bride _into anything, you know it's war!"

"But we can't fight her off!" Leia said disappointedly.

"I discovered that earlier," said Sephiroth with his usual calm sort of anger. He pointed back to the doorway. "Just ask Belinda Marie-Antoinette Gutierrez Bladed Ninjitsu Flower."

"Oh dear Force," Luke sniffed, staring at another newcomer.

It was Jemima who spoke what Cloud and, more than likely, everyone else was thinking. "What are you wearing?"

Belinda wrinkled up her nose in a way that could be considered attractive, though no one in the room thought so, having developed either an immunity to Mary Sues or an obsession with something not related to the disturbingly pervasive. Bouncing her bouncy curls, Belinda said, "What, honey, you don't like what I'm wearing?"

"For the love of the syrup for which Jemima is named, please don't call her or anyone else here 'honey!'" Wolf snapped, losing her patience with these infernal...douches.

Belinda flipped her mahogany-mango-fandango hair and fluttered her elongated infra red eyelashes. Flashing Wolf a sparkling smile, she replied, "I'm sorry, sweet cheeks, but Sephie here likes it, so it sticks!"

"I most certainly do not," Sephiroth said the same moment Cloud muttered, "Yeah, 'Sephie likes it', my butt."

"Well, _toots," _said Jemima maliciously. "I doubt he likes your outfit!"

"Hey!" Belinda eyed her itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny gold bikini that didn't leave much to the imagination. Wolf was still visibly gaping at the horrible boldness of it all, Cloud could see. "This is vintage, darling!"

"So what? You do realize it's _February, _right? Oh, that's right, Mary Sues are too idiotic to live. pity that we can't kill you now."

Wolf was gaping at Jemima now, but Sephiroth was nodding in agreement. Since his enemy was with Jemima, Cloud decided to side against her. Ever snooty, Belinda said, "Well, I have something you don't, dearie: A MAN. And I plan on keeping it that way! Don't make me, like kill you!"

"Woe! Woe to the Mary Sues!" Crimson Tyde cried.

Nemesis glanced at Crimson Tyde, Belinda, Cloud, and Sephiroth. Grinning, she held up a pan of muffins, deciding to break the awkwardness of it all. "Would you like a muffin?"

Sephiroth glared heatedly at her. "No, I would not like one of your disgusting pastries."

Nemesis gawked at them. "You've gotta be kidding me! Why wouldn't you want one?"

"Why _would _I?" Cloud could see that Sephiroth was getting irritated by everything at this place.

"They're blueberry!"

"They're awful abominations."

"Fine," Nemesis said as she walked outside and yelled for everyone to hear, "Hey, everyone! Sephiroth doesn't like muffins!"

"No!" Sephritoh rubbed his temples, the signs of a migraine coming on as people outside were stage whispering, "Dosesn't like muffins? Egad!" and "But muffins are incredible bites of heaven!"

Crimson Tyde went on, "Pitiful Mary Sues, mindlessly collecting story favorites. And yet they know not the true power of what they hold. The rage of the author releases those men. They gather in uselessness, review-less and dull, until they weave-"

Her speech halted as a smacking sound filled the air. Slowly, she spun to face Anakin, who had dug into her pint of Cherry Garcia. "What?" the guy said to defend himself. "I bought this, you know!"

"No you didn't," Leia scoffed.

"Well, my daughter bought it for me, but you get the idea!"

Crimson Tyde's eyes grew wide, filled with anguish and agony. "I have failed to protect my pint! I have shamed myself. I must commit seppuku." Blurred in speedy flight, she snatched Cloud's First Tsurugi, eliciting a shout of "Hey!" What did she think she was doing?

On Crimson Tyde's first attempt, the sword went wide thanks to good old Severus Snape. On her second try, it skewed over her shoulder. By the time it was her seventh try, Wolf, in what Cloud thought was either unusual compassion for this mansion or just a fit of vexation, gently coaxed Crimson Tyde away from the sword and handed the girl the pint of ice cream. Rather than thank Wolf, Crimson Tyde shrieked, "I HAVE FAILED YOU ALL!" as she sank to the floor, curled up into a pitiful ball, and began to sob in terror/wannabe angst, the latter of which Cloud was an expert on. He wanted to say this was the former, but we all knew what it was.

Jemima shrugged. "It can't be helped. Mary Sue genes."

Wolf glared daggers at her. "Wow, you really _are _a jerk."

Jemima crossed her arms. "Thank you, Captain Obvious!"

"Wow, for a moment there, you know, I'd thought you'd gained a heart!"

Jemima snorted. "Oh, so now you're Captain Oblivious, is it? If we didn't have this shield up, I'd beat you to a pulp. You're trying to be all self-righteous, but you're really just insecure about your lack of ability and you know it!"

Belinda gestured towards herself. "Maybe you all should be little dears and marvel at my sexiness instead of you two not making, like, at sense at all with your talking and stuff?"

"That's it! I am out of here!" Cloud screamed, stomping out the door, unable to take the bipolar nature of Jemima and Wolf or Belinda's anything. To annoy him further, Sephiroth and Belinda followed, and Wolf wasn't too far behind, looking and feeling very, very small.

"So, Sephie-kins, any plans for tonight?" Belinda said, giggling obscenely.

Sephiroth gave her the death glare that probably burned down multiple backwater towns. "I would rather shower with a bear and swallow Masamune than be around you for another millisecond."

"Oh, you're so romantic!" Belinda crooned.

Cloud smiled despite himself. "Well, I see someone has his hands full."

Sephiroth turned his doom stare from Belinda to Cloud. "Oh please, Cloud. Give it time and they'll come to you as well, choking, corroding..."

"Shut up!" Cloud howled.

"You overuse that phrase," sneered Belinda.

Cloud tugged at the collar of his sweater. "At least I'm not wearing bondage gear!"

"Burn..." Wolf muttered from the outskirts of the group.

"Oh, come on, Sephie-poo, let's go!" For reasons Cloud did not comprehend, Sephiroth, eyes gleaming with sinister intent, followed the Mary Sue.

"Having an arch enemy sucks," Wolf contemplated as she walked up to Cloud. "Is it always that bad?"

Cloud nodded, recalling his various encounters with Sephiroth prior to arrival at the mansion. "Basically, he's a freak."

"Ah, a schizoid," Wolf sighed fondly. "There's one in every gang of villains. Why does he bother you so much?"

"He's my inner darkness," Cloud put it bluntly. "I have to stop him to make it go away...Why do you care?"

Wolf shrugged. "Why wouldn't I? Face it, I just helped a Mary Sue; I'm bound to help a regular guy like yourself."

Cloud had to admit that she had a point. Leaning against the wall, Cloud explained, "I've seen Sephiroth do plenty of awful things, things that I was powerless to stop...He's my darkness incarnate. it's my duty to defeat him, yet I haven't done that."

Wolf sighed knowingly. "To tell you the truth, I kinda know how you feel. What you heard in there, about my insecurity is true, though the self-righteous part isn't. Awhile back, I gave up my powers to save my friends, and I hate to say it, but I've regretted it ever since. I'm pretty sure we could've devised a different escape method that _didn't _involve hallucinogenic pineapple and Snape's little hula dancing thing-"

"Okay, what?"

"Still," Wolf continued. "I've been screwing up ever since. The other abilities I have remaining afterwards have all gone haywire, and I can barely use them anymore, if at all. In all of our fights afterward, I've sucked royally. I still have the sword, but I'm helpless against most enemies. Since then, I've had a limb amputated, I've been stabbed and nearly shot, and I've also had to cower in the corner! I really _hate _that."

"So we both have problems," Cloud muttered.

"Yep," Wolf said, nodding in tandem. "Sometimes I feel like the people I've fought against are all hiding in the shadows, laughing at me whenever I trip up or fail to open a pickle jar. But I'm trying my hardest not to let it all get to me. Sure, I've got my crappy times, but why should that affect me as a whole?"

She had a good point, Cloud had to admit.

Someone in the kitchen screamed: Crimson Tyde had squashed Luke's no-longer-perfect soufflé. "EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIES!"

* * *

An entire week went by without major incident. During that time, the villains cooped up in the respective dens, Sephiroth was rarely seen, Luke and Anakin kept having contests, and Wolf spent her time showing Cloud around the mansion.

More and more with each passing day, Cloud witnessed everyone growing twitchier, particularly Wolf, who, according to sources, already had a twitch to begin with. Crimson Tyde remained in the kitchen the entire time, curled up in the corner without food, water, or potty break as she sulked, and Belinda was presumed to stalking Sephiroth.

So now Cloud found himself wandering one of the corridors all alone (like always). He'd only run into two other people, and strange they definitely were.

The first was a wrinkled green dwarf with a walking stick and wispy white hair to go with his pointy ears. "New around here, are you?" he asked, and Cloud couldn't help but marvel at his improper grammar.

"Guess so," he said as he walked right past.

"Wait, you must!" croaked the green guy, hobbling towards Cloud as fast as his gimer stick could carry him. "Had an encounter with young Skywalker, you did? Unfortunate, that is. Give us a bad reputation, he does."

"Yoda! Hey, Yoda!" shrieked a dark girl as she sprinted towards them, holding a tray of cups in her hand. "I brought you your frappuccino!"

"Thank you, I do," Yoda said as he snatched one of the cups and swigged greedily. "Good for the soul, caffeine is."

Cloud raised his eyebrows. "Isn't caffeine awful for old people?"

The new girl's expression was priceless. "You just...but you...oh no, no, no..."

Yoda's face contorted. "Old? Dare, you do, to insult the elderly? Beat respect into you, I will!" Yoda bashed Cloud's ankle with his gimer stick with quite a load of force. "Blaze, help me, you will!"

Blaze backed away, but not before stealing back Yoda's frappuccino. "No more coffee for you." She handed one of the frappuccinos to Cloud. "Here, take it!"

Cloud thanked her and took the beverage, but not before Yoda bashed his ankle again, screeching, "MINE! MINE! MINE!" So Cloud bolted out of there.

After running a mile or two, Cloud regarded the mysterious beverage. Just what was it? Clearly not alcohol, but not juice either. He took a sip...and another and another...

* * *

It was clear to Cloud that Sephiroth hadn't expected to finally find him with his one gigantic black bat wing sprouting from his shoulder. At least, that was what Cloud thought he thought at the time when he was thinking. Trying to think, anyways. It was hard. He just wanted to move so bad!

"Cloud?" Sephiroth questioned, looking confused, if that was even possible for the man.

"Can't stop, won't stop, need to stop!" Cloud shouted, hopping up and down with his wing flapping faintly. He held up the half-empty frappuccino cup. "There's something called espresso in this thing! I'm going insane!"

Sephiroth smirked. "Good, then."

"It's not good! It's crap! ...Holy mother, who are those people behind you?"

"Sephie!" the girl he recognized as Belinda Something-Or-Other whined as she waltzed over to Sephiroth, draping an anorexic arm over his shoulder. Behind her were at least fifty other girls, all equally bizarre-looking. "I couldn't find any strawberry ice cream! Now I have to complain to you! It's so awful because there's nothing that suits my perfect perfections!"

Sephiroth glared at her. "Cloud, are you sure there is no way to kill them all where they stand?"

"Even if I could," Cloud growled. "I'm not sure I would want to!"

"Afraid of the dark?" Sephiroth sneered.

"Oh, snap!" said one of the Mary Sues in the crowd.

Cloud glared at them all. "No! I just want...forget! I'm going back to my espresso!"

The Sues suddenly all went silent for a few minutes. Unconsciously, Cloud's free hand itched towards First Tsurugi. "Did he say espresso?" a Sue in the front murmured dangerously.

"Girls, he has a frappuccino!" Belinda roared.

"GET IT!"

Cloud found himself scrambling away from them, but it was all for naught: the Mary Sues grabbed at him, pulling on his sweater, tearing a bit of the fabric as they yanked at his hair. "Help me-" he choked out, as the Sues fought like untrained chicks for his frappuccino, causing no true physical harm to each other and therefore making it past the barrier. He guessed Wolf had been serious about Mary Sues only wanting frappuccinos and nothing else...not that he blamed them for wanting such a delicious caffeinated beverage.

It was then Cloud found Sephiroth standing over him, sneering triumphantly. "See, Cloud, they wouldn't have gotten this far if you had given in to the dark."

Cloud stood up and dusted himself off, his arms twitching with the caffeine. "Liar! They've been following you everywhere! You just said so!"

"Perhaps we should take this fight elsewhere," said Sephiroth. Cloud, for once, nodded in agreement.

And then they realized that they were surrounded on all four sides by obsessed little underage, vapid, teenage atrocities. "Well then."

Sephiroth's shoulder began to twitch as Cloud flapped his wing a tad. "Cloud, stop flapping."

"What? Oh, you mean this?" Smirking, Cloud flapped his wing even more.

"Yes, that!" Sephiroth's shoulder twitched again, and Cloud moved his own wing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth-

The moment Sephiroth's black, feathery wing sprang from his shoulders, the havoc began.

Belinda pointed at Cloud and Sephiroth as she saw the wings. "Hey, they're going to escape!"

"You've got to be kidding me!" Cloud said, slapping his forehead.

"There is only one option remaining," Sephiroth growled as he stepped backward to be back to back with Cloud.

"We can't fight them!" Cloud replied angrily, before he realized what Sephiroth was referring to. Flicking a Mary Sue in the forehead right where her sequined gold headband was placed, he began to chuckle. "You want to...run away?"

"Precisely, Cloud," Sephiroth replied as his own wing thrashed upward.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Mary Sues were pressing in on all sides, and Cloud could've swore he heard Crimson Tyde screaming, "Nooo! I've caused the apocalypse _again!"_

Sephiroth scowled at Cloud. "Cloud, we both must live in order for us to kill each other on a later date. Work with me or suffocate." He shoved his wingless shoulder against Cloud's own, and Cloud gulped as he swatted away a Mary Sue's gemstone-encrusted hand.

"Fine!" Cloud hollered, and they both began to flail their wings.

Slowly, but surely, they were working their way upward , Cloud realized, but it was not without difficulty. "My boot!" Sephiroth hissed as a emerald-haired Mary Sue snatched his boot right off his foot, smiled malevolently (or at least Cloud thought so), and inhaled the stench.

"Leave it!" Cloud bellowed.

"Those were expensive!"

"I don't care!"

Belinda, bizarrely, started firing bullets at them (Just where had she stored the gun with _that _outfit? Cloud couldn't help but wonder), but, thanks to one Severus Snape, the bullets all bounced off some unseen barrier and collided harmlessly with walls.

And then Cloud and Sephiroth began to put some distance between themselves and the Mary Sues. Then they realized the problem.

"You're not flapping hard enough!" Cloud yelled crossly.

"Yes I am!" Sephiroth irately cried.

"We're going around in circles!"

Such was the disadvantage of only having one wing each. Cloud hated relying on people he disliked.

* * *

And so, many hours later, Sephiroth and Cloud finally emerged from the mass of doom in one piece. Landing lightly, Sephiroth raised one eyebrow. "Now, was that so bad?"

"Yes!" Cloud replied.

Just then, Wolf brushed past them, screaming, "HOT SAUCE! BATHROOM! TALK LATER, CLOUD!"

Sephiroth and Cloud stared at her retreating form, totally dumbfounded. "Why have you been hanging around her, anyways?"

Cloud shrugged. "Why should I tell you?" Then as an afterthought, he added, "She knows the place best. Isn't that a good enough reason?"

"Oh please," Sephiroth scoffed. "You're too complex to have a reason that simple."

Cloud glared at Sephiroth. Sephiroth glared at Cloud. Two minutes later, Wolf was walking towards them. "Are you having a fun staring match?"

Cloud broke the gaze to glance at her. Then he realized his mistake. "I lost!"

"The light will always lose," Sephiroth drawled drolly.

"Oh, shut it," Cloud muttered, really, really sick of Sephiroth's bull. "Wolf, what just happened, anyways?"

"Oh, Anakin and Luke were having a wing-eating contest, and I decided to eat some too. I didn't know they had Buffalo Wild Wings' blazing sauce on them," she shuddered violently. "Third worst bathroom experience ever. You don't want to know the second and the first."

Cloud rolled his eyes and glanced back at Sephiroth, daring him to say something, but the man said nothing. "Thank you for that mental image, Wolf."

She saluted. "Anytime. Yeah, Anakin and Luke have been going at this for awhile now. It all started when Luke insinuated that Anakin always did much more terribly in fights than he did. Anakin got offended and said something about red spandex-don't ask me about that, I'm just as confused-before he replied that Luke whined much more. So then they decided that, in order to settle the argument, they'd hold various contests to see just who really was the better man...It's a futile effort, as neither one realized that they're _both _whiny, so the whole thing was totally pointless."

She appraised Cloud and Sephiroth. "Come to think of it, maybe that's just what you two need!"

Cloud's jaw dropped. "Wha-" then he realized what she meant. "You want me to have a contest with Sephiroth to see who can eat more spicy poultry?"

Wolf backed off. "No! Just do whatever contests you want to get rid of the aggression!"

"Cloud's only afraid," said Sephiroth.

"No," Cloud retorted. "I'm. Not. Interested."

"Yes," Sephiroth went on, smiling evilly. "You simply realize that I'd win. You've known that for a long time now, haven't you?"

"Shut up! I'll do it!"

"Great!" said Wolf, clapping her hands together. "Don't worry Cloud, I'm sure you'll kick his sorry butt. Sephiroth sucks! " Now it was Sephiroth's turn to glare at Wolf's audacity. "Let's get started with this already! Let's mosey!"

* * *

**And that's the end of part one. More to come, including the series of contests and their consequences!**

**I'm not going to lie, I really enjoyed writing the Crimson Tyde scenes. She's such a drama queen, just like Anakin...**

**And yes, Cloud id supposed to say "Shut up" that much. **

**Virtual plushies to those who caught the Billy Madison reference!**


	39. I Survived Sephiroth

**Yes! An epic part two to the story of the two morons/arch enemies. Just a warning: if you are an obsessive fan girl, you may be repulsed by the content of this chapter. If you're an ordinary fan, you'll laugh you butt off...not literally. **

**Also, I love line dancing. Just saying.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII, TMNT, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Wii, Wii Sports, Buffalo Wild Wings, Power Rangers, DDR, Nutella, Pokemon, Cool Whip, Twilight, Nerf, F-Zero, Coca-Cola, Halo, L'Oreal, or any of the songs/music artists used and/or mentioned. **

**Warning: I will be bringing in canon parts from the original Final Fantasy VII, because I'd rather have Cloud from Gaia instead of Radiant Garden. Let's just say he left Radiant Garden, joined the ShinRa army in Gaia, and met all the Final Fantasy VII characters afterwards. Or something like that. I'm confusing myself. **

**And the way I see it, a mansion that makes everyone go crazy would cause Cloud to talk more than unusual. Even the Kingdom Hearts Cloud, who was totally ridiculous about being an uncommunicative a-hole.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: I Survived Sephiroth and All I Got Was This Lousy Stab Wound**

_Contest Number One: Wii Boxing_

Cloud's eye twitched awkwardly as he attempted to give the evil eye to Sephiroth, who was also holding a Wii remote and nunchaku. "I can't believe we're doing this."

Nemesis paused in her connecting the cords to the TV. "Then why are you doing it?"

"Cloud doesn't think he _can _do it," sneered Sephiroth.

"Says you! You're just trying to cover up for your own incompetence!" Cloud retorted.

Sephiroth straightened his back and stretched. "Oh, please, Cloud. I have plenty more competence than you."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"EVEN THEY'VE GONE CRAZY!" shouted Han from the teeny audience. Only some Star Wars people, Snape, Luna, Wolf, Waffle, Nemesis, the Turtles, Crimson Tyde, Sephiroth's Mary Sue fan girls, and a lurking Jemima Jambalaya had shown up for the competition, and most of it was due to boredom. And out of all the people present, only Wolf and the fan girls honestly seemed to care.

"Okay, let's go over the Wii Boxing basics," Wolf said cheerfully as she clapped her hands together. She put up her fists. "Alright, punch the face with right, body with left. Duck side to side to avoid other punches. No, you can't play Wii Swordfighting. I don't own that game. Now...DING!"

There was very scattered applause as Blaze walked past the duo, brandishing a piece of cardboard that had "ROUND ONE" written across it in bold letters.

It was brutal. Both were super soldiers with alien genes injected into them at some point, and they were both quite happy to pummel an avatar of the other. However, it was Cloud who had difficulty figuring out the remote. "Wolf, how exactly do you win this?"

"PUNCH HIS FACE IN!" Wolf hollered, caught up in the moment as usual. "KICK HIM IN THE NADS!"

"NOO!" Belinda Whatever-It-Was screeched back. "Get him, Sephie! Beat him up so we can go make out and-"

"Quiet!" said Sephiroth as his Wii Mii delivered an uppercut to Cloud's face.

"KO!" the M.C. announced.

Cloud hung his head in defeat and Sephiroth puffed out his chest. "I win!"

Cloud glared darkly. "Shut up, Charlie Sheen!"

* * *

_Contest Number Two: Wing Eating_

"You know, I suggested this one," Anakin said slyly as he slid next to Eowyn on the bench.

The shieldmaiden rolled her eyes. "Sure you did," she said, shoving Anakin with impressive strength, though she did not say the words with any malice.

Anakin grinned like an idiot. Any day now...He glanced over at Wolf, but the girl was preoccupied with something Cloud had given her in exchange for paying for the wings.

"My own Materia!" Wolf exclaimed gleefully, balancing what looked like several marbles in the palm of her hand. Without warning, she shoveled one into her mouth. "Ooh, Firaga!"

Cloud holding a saucy wing in his hand, raised one eyebrow in shock. "Wolf, you're not supposed to put them in your mouth..."

"Shut up! I'm enjoying my powerful gobstoppers!" She spit it back out and admired it. Oddly enough, it had turned a new color. "Sweet! This wonderful Materia will give me cool powers! Ooh, I hope it's fire! I like pyrotechnics! Alright, so I got my gobstoppers, my ridiculous swords, and now all I need is even more ridiculous hair to fight Sephiroth!"

The silver-haired man ignored her, examining one of the wings. "These don't look very intimidating..."

"Size matters not!" Yoda grumbled from his seat.

"Nor do they smell spicy or anyway dangerous," continued the silver-haired bishie.

"Stench matters not!"

Wolf took a seat between Cloud and Sephiroth, holding a yellow stopwatch and wearing a mischievous grin. Behind her, Jemima sighed and muttered, "Wolf..." under her breath.

"I put Blazin' sauce on those, Sephiroth," Wolf said as she prepared the stopwatch, holding up a bottle of the sauce itself. "Buffalo Wild Wings may have lame wings, but _never _underestimate the potency of their sauce or you'll pay the price. I learned that the hard way."

"Psst! Wolf!" Luke hissed quietly, beckoning her over to a large group.

"Hang on one second, Cloud," the girl said as she walked toe distance to the audience. "What's up?"

Luke held up a slip of paper littered with everyone's messy scrawl. "Betting pool for Cloud against Sephiroth. You want to put anything in?"

Wolf gawked at the paper. "Hold it!" Eyes narrowed to slits, she snatched the paper from Luke's hand. "Over half of you put your money on Sephiroth!"

"Of course!" Luke cried. "The man's scary!"

"He's the Chuck Norris of the galaxy," added Obi-Wan. "Of course, I prefer Chuck Norris's morals to Sephiroth's, but you get the point. He's started so many Holonet memes..."

"Hear that no one's seen him bleed or cry, I have," piped Yoda.

"He doesn't sleep, he only waits," chimed in Han.

"Red Bull is actually made of Sephiroth's pee. That's why it gives you wings," said Mace.

"RAWWRG!" roared Chewbacca. Most of the people present did not understand this, but Han nodded in agreement, Threepio made an exclamation of shock, and Wolf shouted, "Say that again!"

Spotting another paper in the hands of Mikey, Wolf groaned. Facepalm. "Oh, come on!" She reached for it.

"Wolf," said Leo. "I wouldn't read that one if I were you-"

Too late. Wolf's eyes were scanning the paper. As she read down further and further, her vexation grew until she gripped the paper tightly, her fingernails ripping through it. "Mikey...why did you start a betting pool of me versus Belinda?"

Mikey raised his hands in defense. "Hey, we all thought you'd win..." He stopped talking. Wolf looked irritated. "Uh, Wolfie?"

"You and Casey both have a hundred dollars on Belinda!"

"But she's hot!" Mikey whined.

Next to Mikey, Casey Jones seemed to begin nodding in agreement, then he stopped and began to scratch his head nervously. April smirked. "Wolf, do you want me to-"

"Go ahead," said Wolf, still fuming.

April smacked Casey and Mikey upside the head, causing them both to moan in pain. It wasn't very damaging, but it felt satisfying.

"I put three hundred on you, Wolf," said Don to cheer her up. "So did Raph, and Leo didn't put in anything."

"Thanks," said Wolf sincerely as she regarded the list again. "Remind me to go give a talking to Anakin, Ron, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, and Sirius. Taking bets on a Mary Sue..." She shook her head as she headed back to Cloud and Sephiroth.

"What was that about?" queried Sephiroth.

"Oh, nothing that you should be concerned with," replied Wolf. She raised the stopwatch. "Ready...GO!" She clicked a little button, and the madness began.

Sephiroth tried to eat with dignity; Cloud, on the other hand, just forked in as many as could fit into his mouth. "These aren't so bad!"

Sephiroth finished his third. "Agreed, Cloud..."

Both of them were liars.

Everyone watched the spectacle with anticipation, though for what Cloud couldn't guess. Confused by this, Cloud ate his eighth wing and desperately wished for Sephiroth to lose first. Sephiroth did this as well.

Smirking, Wolf pulled out a bottle of orange juice and glugged it down. Sephiroth couldn't take it anymore. "You sick bi-"

That's when he threw up, spewing chunks all over his boots. Err, boot. The Mary Sues still had the one he'd lost.

Cloud fist pumped. "I win!" Then, as money was exchanged in the crowd, Cloud vomited as well.

* * *

_Contest Six: Ipecac Chug_

"Oh, I hope there's no more vomit," Cloud moaned in anguish as Wolf placed two bottles of a peculiar syrup in front of him and Sephiroth. "My stomach is bubbling like a pit of acid."

"That be because your stomach is full of acid, imbecile," sneered Sephiroth.

"Yeah, what Sephie-poo said!" Belinda said, unable to resist putting in her opinion.

"Shut up!" Wolf said, bristling.

"Never!" Belinda snapped. "Oh, villain, I wait for the day I can break your neck-"

"Been there, done that," Wolf replied cheekily, though she subconsciously rubbed her neck, feeling the pain of her past injury.

"Justice will come to you yet!" Belinda continued unimpeded. "I will vanquish you, like the murderers of my sister vanquished her, though this one will be _justified, _as justice is mine to control and I alone control justice. Because justices wants - nay, NEEDS - someone of my stature, of my standing, of my abilities, to withhold juistice and-"

"YOUR TALKING GRATES UPON MY SOUL!" Crimson Tyde shrieked in agony. "FOR THE LOVE OF NUTELLA, SHUT YOUR UNSANCTIFIED MOUTH!"

From her seat, Eowyn smirked. "I like this one," she said pointing at Crimson Tyde.

"Eh, she's still a Sue," Jemima muttered to herself.

Wolf sighed at Fuchsia's comment. "Come on, someone who understands the value of ice cream can't be all that bad. Anyways, Cloud, Sephiroth, drink up." The two did so.

Immediately, Cloud glared at Sephiroth.

Sephiroth glared at Cloud.

Nothing else happened.

"Wolf, what are we supposed to do?" questioned a quizzical Cloud, as him and Sephiroth dreaded Wolf's answer.

"It's called ipecac. Whoever vomits last wins."

Cloud's jaw dropped. "You've gotta be kid-" That's when the barf surged from his throat and splattered all over Sephiroth's chest.

Sephiroth burned with violent anger. "Cloud, you-" Then he barfed as well. "Oh, for the love of mother!"

Cloud panted heavily, reaching an imploring hand outward. "Someone get me a glass of water! I'm going to-" He retched again, this time sending his projectile vomit all over an unsuspecting Mace, who steamily stormed out of the room. "The nerve of some people!" he could be heard exclaiming.

Sephiroth wiped Cloud's chowder off his leather clothing, but the efforts were in vain as he only puked on himself anyways. "Someone fetch me some Cura materia..." Then he puked again.

Wolf winced. "I am never using one of Anakin's contest ideas again..."

* * *

_Contest Number Twelve: Singing_

Cloud tossed his microphone from one hand to another. "I've barely practiced singing before this..."

Sephiroth smirked at something known only to him. "I suppose I'm at an advantage this time, Cloud."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Cloud growled. "What are you, one of those American Idols?"

"No," Wolf cut in with a dorky grin. "But he is-"

"Quiet, you little wretch!" Sephiroth interrupted. "Besides, it's time for Cloud to start."

"Okay then! You ladies are done, it seems," said Nemesis from her perch on the sidelines with Donnie and R2-D2. The three of them were clustered around Don's laptop, which, when Donnie pressed a button, began to play the American Idol theme.

Anakin stepped on stage and glanced down at his cue card. "Okay, first up, we have...Cloud, the spectacular singer with the beloved hair! Gee, still can't believe he's named Cloud, what a sucker."

"Jerk," Eowyn muttered in the front row. Melinda and various others nodded in agreement.

"Great guy! Wonderful name! Fantastic human being!" Anakin corrected himself.

Cloud walked on stage, and right away, Wolf noticed his major flaw: Cloud acted like he had a corn cob shoved up his butt. And he had such a terrible song choice for his personality.

_"Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on_

_Livin' like a lover with a radar phone_

_Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp_

_Demolition woman, can I be your man?_

_Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light_

_Television lover, baby, go all night_

_Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet_

_Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeahHey!_

_C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up_

_Break the bubble, break it up_

_Pour some sugar on me_

_Ooh, in the name of love_

_Pour some sugar on me_

_C'mon, fire me up_

_Pour your sugar on me_

_Oh, I can't get enough_

_I'm hot, sticky sweet_

_From my head to my feet, yeah!"_

There was scattered applause in the audience as Anakin said, "Now let's see what the judges have to say!"

Mace shook his head. "Yo man, I think you're a great guy and all, but...you just didn't choose the right song, you know?"

Leia flashed him a dazzling smile but also shook her head. "You have a good voice, but you're just a little stiff. I'm sorry."

Chewbacca facepalmed. "RWARRG URRAG!"

Leia gaped, and Han, from the audience, said, "Liar!"

Cloud decided to exit quietly. Backstage, everyone could hear Wolf with her annoyingly perky pep talk, with the dorky smile on her face being heard through her voice.

Anakin glanced down at the cue card again. "Up next is Sephiroth, the man with the luscious hair and sexy smile! ...Alright, seriously, who writes these cue cards?"

Draco slunk down in his seat, looking very out of place.

And that's when the magic happened...No, the magic wasn't because of Draco. It was all Sephiroth and the singing voice no one knew he had.

"_You are my fire_

_The one desire_

_Believe when I say_

_I want it that way_

_But we are two worlds apart_

_Can't reach to your heart_

_When you say_

_That I want it that way_

_Tell me why_

_Ain't nothin' but a heartache_

_Tell me why_

_Ain't nothin' but a mistake_

_Tell me why_

_I never wanna hear you say_

_I want it that way_

_Am I your fire_

_Your one desire_

_Yes I know it's too late_

_But I want it that way!"_

As he finished, Sephiroth whipped his hair back and forth and glared at Cloud, making the latter squirm uncomfortably. "Creep," he muttered. Meanwhile, Wolf was laughing hysterically next to him.

Ignoring the judges' standing ovation, Sephiroth walked straight up to walk and gave her his psychotic stare. "Just what is so funny?"

In between chuckles, Wolf managed to say, "You...sang...a...Backstreet Boys...song!"

"And..." Sephiroth did _not _like where this was going.

"Weren't you voiced by Lance Bass from N*Sync at one point?"

"WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT!"

* * *

_Contest Twenty-Three: Dance, Dance Revolution_

Sephiroth and Cloud both examined the arrow-covered pads with fascination. "What are these?" Cloud asked.

"DDR pads," Waffle replied, looking amused. "You have to dance to the beat, putting your foot on the arrows when the screen indicates."

"I've got dibs on next turn!" Blaze called.

"Second that, I do!" Yoda exclaimed, brandishing his gimer stick in a threatening manner against all who would steal his dance time from him. "Enjoy break dancing, I do!"

"Dang straight!" Blaze and Yoda slapped high-fives...an unusual sight.

Belinda waved a little Sephiroth banner, repeatedly whacking Wolf in the face. it wasn't too long until Wolf snapped, "Will you please get that out of my face?"

"Never!" Belinda said as she shot Wolf the dirtiest look. "It's your fault that Sephie and I are stuck here when we should be conquering the world and avenging the death of my beloved sister-"

"Actually, it's Snape's fault."

"Whatever! Me, Sephie, and Miss Freezy Breezy Cocoa Ninja Tangerine Psycho Butterfly Rothschild Bearmy don't need to listen to your crap!"

"Yeah, yeah, wait, who - ACK!" Wolf jumped in shock as a blindingly white polar bear invaded her vision. She jumped aside, then sighed in relief when she remembered that it couldn't harm her. "You have a bear?"

"Yes! Miss Freezy Breezy Cocoa Ninja Tangerine Psycho Butterfly Rothschild Bearmy is my summon!"

Sephiroth facepalmed. "Gee," Nemesis commented. "I'm pretty sure that today we broke the record for the most facepalms ever..."

"Misfortune wrought by the evils of the universe have rained facepalms upon us!" Crimson Tyde wailed. "Why must it pain us?"

"Okay then..." Everyone backed away from the Sue, and Cloud and Sephiroth manned their DDR pads. Stepping until they found the song choice "RANDOM", Cloud clicked "X" to start the song.

"This looks easy," Sephiroth said smugly, recalling his previous victories. Two sets of arrows appeared on the screen as the song began.

"Are you ready?" some electronic announcer asked.

"Bring it on!" Cloud shouted.

_"We are what we're supposed to be!"_

With "Cartoon Heroes" blaring, Sephiroth began to lose it, missing many steps. Meanwhile, Cloud was kicking butt. For the first time since the contests began, Sephiroth was nervous...

This mansion was messing with his shards of remaining sanity. And it was twisting him and Cloud into monstrous, crazy..._things! _"Someone help me!"

Wolf shook her head. "Sorry, can't help you! Don't be a Pokemon trainer: fight your own battles!"

The song ended, and Sephiroth walked off to confront Wolf. "Do you have a problem?"

Wolf shrugged. "Well, I'm not enjoying being locked up in here any more than you are, especially seeing how all these problems here at the mansion have managed to cause my GPA to drop over the years and my parents also don't like the idea of me hanging out with sword-fighting dudes at least seven years older than me...There's also the fact that you're evil and you love to torture Cloud."

"So what?" Sephiroth scoffed at her. "Everything I do, I am doing for a cause."

"I don't get it," Ron whispered to Mara in the crowd. "What's his cause? Mostly he just acts like a jerk and stabs people for no apparent reason."

Mara sighed. "I had to do some...research on Sephiroth back when I worked for Palpatine. Apparently his mother is an alien calamity called Jenova that caused Sephiroth to go crazy and become obsessed with pleasing her by destroying planets and such. It's weird."

"I don't care what your cause is, it's still wrong!" Wolf crossed her arms in defiance. "Besides, I'm feeling suicidal today, so why not bug someone."

"Perhaps I'll destroy this world for Mother too..." Sephiroth trailed off.

"Your mom's a whore!" Wolf cried rashly.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER THAT WAY!" Sephiroth screeched, going berserk. He threw the nearest chair at Wolf, who ducked and ran far, far away. "You can run, but you can't hide, Banana Head!"

"OH COME on..." Wolf's voice faded off in the distance, and Cloud decided to follow her, having a pretty good idea of where she was heading. Footsteps behind him told him someone else was chasing Wolf as well.

* * *

"Banana Head," Wolf murmured. "Can you believe it? My hair isn't _that _yellow!"

"Err..." Demetri did not give a true reply. At this, Cloud snorted as he knocked on the wall. "Hello."

"Hi, Cloud!" Wolf exclaimed jovially, holding out a can. "Want some pineapple?"

"Um...sure?" Cloud dipped two fingers into the can and yanked out some pineapple bits. After popping it into his mouth, he said, "Do you always eat this stuff?"

Wolf nodded. "Why wouldn't I?"

"It's...weird," Demetri said, sighing. "I wish I could have some."

Wolf tilted her head to one side like a confused puppy. "Can't you just come out of the computer?"

"I don't know how!"

Cloud snickered, and Wolf said, "Lamebrain!" before digging into some more canned pineapple.

"I can't believe you guys are doing those competitions, Cloud," said Demetri to the swordsman.

"Yeah, me neither," Cloud agreed. "I just really need to defeat Sephiroth one way or another..."

"Why?" Demetri questioned.

Cloud glanced at Wolf, who just swallowed and avoided his gaze. "You already know, don't you?"

Wolf shrugged. "It depends on if I'm right. I'm not sure..."

Cloud replied, "Years ago, I lived in a backwater village called Nibelheim. I was on a mission with Sephiroth and a few others. Sephiroth was a big hero back then, we all trusted him. However, he went into a mansion there to read the entire frickin' library...and that's when he found out about Jenova, his mother. So, of course, the guy went crazy and burned down the whole town. He murdered most of the villagers, killed my mother, injured my childhood friend, and stabbed me.

"I managed to throw him into a reactor using my own weight on the sword against him, but...well, some experiments happened, and now nothing is the same." The black bat wing popped out of his shoulder for emphasis. "He's become my inner darkness through means too disgusting to describe, and now it's become my responsibility to take him down once and for all."

Wolf shook her head with emotion and ate some more pineapple, and Demetri responded darkly, "I can relate."

"Can you now," Cloud said flatly.

"Well, not directly, but yes. My former master experimented on my friend and created an embodiment of her darkness without actually taking the darkness from the original source entirely. She was what you could certainly call a living nightmare. That monster ended up killing my two best friends and fellow trainees right in front of me...and then the two proceeded to slaughter everyone else who lived here. It was a huge disturbance in the Force, to a point where it even affected this mansion."

"Now I know who to blame for me being stuck here, then," Cloud said to himself.

"I just...don't get why she did it, though, or how it even worked!" Demetri continued. "The girl whose darkness was extracted wasn't exactly master material, no matter how much we tried to get her that way. She was always screwing up, to a point where Ching Ching flat out told her that she'd never make it to master because she sucked, exact words. Ching Ching didn't even know about all the improvements she made before she...she..."

Wolf patted his keyboard comfortingly. "Well, I'll make sure to kick her butt when I see her."

"Yeah, sure, Banana Head..." Cloud shook his head, wondering just why everything here was so weird.

* * *

The next day, Cloud wanted to throttle Sephiroth for coming up with the next challenge.

"No! Absolutely not! I refuse!"

Sephiroth smirked at him triumphantly. Wolf, Nemesis, Waffle, and Blaze gaped, all the boys laughing uproariously, and the ladies groaned. "I figured you wouldn't want me bring back old memories..."

"That was one time! _One time! _And I only did it to save Tifa! It was one of the worst experiences in existence and I never want to have that happen again!"

Anakin rolled on the floor laughing. "You mean you did this before?" asked Hermione incredulously. She sniffed disdainfully. "_Men..."_

If you had cracked an egg on Cloud's head, his righteous anger would've had it done over easy in a few seconds unless the spiky hair broke the yolk. Wolf flashed him an encouraging grin, though she, too, was cringing, because the entire situation reminded her of Palpatine.

Cloud swallowed his pride. "Fine. But after this challenge, we are done with this crap!"

"That's the spirit!" Wolf cried. "Don't be a drag, just be a queen!"

* * *

_Contest Twenty-Four: Cross Dressing_

Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" played in the background as a small audience sat down to watch the spectacle. Wolf fingered her Materia as Belinda and her polar bear (Wolf dubbed her Beary Sue) gave her the evil eye. "I'd like to see you try to take me in a boxing match..." she muttered, though Belinda and her Mary Sue super ears did not pick it up.

While Belinda tried her hardest to stand out, Crimson Tyde was trying and failing to blend in with the wall as she huddled in her black foldable chair (she painted it herself) and sharpened her spiky bracelets. "Oh, the humanity!" she cried at regular intervals. Due to the tedious wait, Maul decided to time said intervals (ten minutes each).

"Attention everyone! Give me your undivided attention now!" Anakin demanded to no avail. No one listened to Anakin. "A little help here?"

Nemesis snatched the microphone from his hands. "Everybody QUIET!"

All was still.

Anakin took the microphone from Nemesis. "You scare me."

Nemesis smiled. "And I wasn't even trying. Carry on, and no whining! ...And no pick-up lines about sand or growing bigger either."

"Anyways!" Anakin shouted into the microphone. "Up first is the man...err, lady with the Oedipal disorder...Sephanie! Huh, you'd think the cards about cross dressing would be as fruity as the singing ones. Someone new must've written these."

"You're welcome!" Leia yelled to her ungrateful father, who simply ignored her as Sephiroth stepped on stage.

The person who stepped on stage looked nothing like the homicidal maniac by the name of Sephiroth. Rather, "Sephanie" seemed to be a delightful young lady in stilettos and a black dress with her silver hair worn up. Someone catcalled, and various people in the audience sang "Dude Looks Like a Lady" as Sephanie strutted her stuff.

"He's enjoying this way too much," Nemesis whispered to Wolf.

"Agreed!" said Wolf, her wide, horrified eyes not even skimming the surface of her disturbed state. She sighed in relief when Sephanie walked offstage.

"And now, let us present...BAHAHAHAHA!" Anakin's raucous laughter startled everyone out of their thoughts, though moments later they learned the source of the chuckles as Anakin read off, "the amnesiac wonder with a warped personality, Cloudia!"

If Sephanie had been girly, Cloudia would've passed as a woman by anyone's standards. It was as if Cloud was a professional cross dresser...and for all we know, he could've been, because no one really knows what happened to the guy to make him lose himself to the darkness.

Cloud knew one thing: this situation would certainly result in an over-the-top battle that would include much blood, whining, and testosterone-fueled speeches and blackmail that could only be soothed by Aerith's homemade hot chocolate. As he flaunted his purple dress with the pink belt, he prayed desperately that it would all be over soon. He did a little turn on the catwalk and attempted to flee the scene.

You see, _attempted _would be the key word in this situation, for Anakin dragged the poor sucker back on stage. "Come on, you can't be done yet!"

Cloud glared at the audience, Wolf in particular for snickering at his predicament. Wolf caught the silent message encoded in Cloud's eyes and said, "Hey, I laughed at Sephanie too!"

"Alright, Cloudia, now we'd like to interview you-"

Cloud cut Anakin off. "Not interested!" He tore off the platinum blond wig perched upon his head and tossed it in Anakin's face. "Screw the competition, screw Sephiroth, and screw this dress! I have coffee!"

"...Wait, hold on," Panic crept onto Anakin's face. "Were those frappuccinos in the refrigerator yours?"

"...Yes?"

Anakin mussed his own hair sheepishly. "Yeah, funny story, actually, huh...I drank them."

And Cloud punched Anakin in the face.

Yeah, you heard right. Cloud punched Anakin. Hard. So hard that he went flying backwards, and his butt landed right on Nemesis's pie.

Nemesis blinked. "Deja vu..." You know something's going down when the narrator quotes herself.

"Ha, you got pwned!" Luke cackled, pointing the finger of shame at his father.

"What now, Anakin! Ask this, I do!" Yoda couldn't help but rub this into Anakin's face. And, well, he really did literally rub it in Anakin's face by lobbing handfuls of rhubarb jelly at Anakin.

Mara just chuckled and rubbed some Cool Whip in as well, since everyone knows that you can't have a pie without Cool Whip.

Only Cloudia, Sephanie, Jemima Jambalaya, and Wolf fully comprehended what just happened. Cloudia swore silently, Wolf reached for her lightsabers, Jemima shrugged in apathy, and Sephanie crowed, "Finally!" as he beckoned for Belinda.

Belinda nodded. "Alright girls, you know what to do!" The various Mary Sues who had been watched rushed toward her, everyone except Belinda clustering together. A pink aura seemed to radiate from them. At least, ordinary human beings would've called it pink. _They _referred to this particular hue as cherry blossom carnation amaranth.

"At last!" Sephiroth stretched a hand toward the roof. With Cloud and various others who had become aware of the current predicament staring in horror, the roof flew right off the mansion, and a billowing cloud of darkness invaded the pretty blue sky. "For over a month I have rotted in this ridiculous mansion, with no means to cause the chaos I was meant to create and shape to Mother's liking. But now that moronic spell is out of the way..." Sephiroth broke off to smirk. "it's time for the fun to begin."

"Let us destroy the Earth!" the Mary Sues shouted in unison, like a hive mind. Which was exactly what they had become. Just like Twilight fan girls.

"OBLITERATION!" Sephiroth howled.

"SEPHIROTH!" echoed Sephiroth's Latin choir while the enormous orchestra played the heavy metal version of "One-Winged Angel", causing several people to jump in fright.

Sephiroth waved his hand dismissively towards our heroes. "Do away with them, my pretties. I have no further use for those idi-"

Sephiroth had to stop speaking to deflect Cloud's zealous strike. The way Cloud saw it, it didn't matte how used he had become to things going from bad to everyone-is-dead-and-I'm-a-psychotic-lunatic worse...he still had to fight Sephiroth like the obsessed freak he was. He went to strike again-

"Yo, hold up!"

Cloud and Sephiroth halted their battle to gawk at two stormtroopers who had seemed to appear out of nowhere. "What?" Sephiroth asked, irritated.

"...Aren't you two going to take off your dresses first?" asked the other stormtrooper.

It took Cloud and Sephiroth to realize they were still dressed in drag as Cloudia and Sephanie. "But...we have to fight now!" Sephiroth replied. "Don't steal this moment from me!"

The first trooper shrugged. "Just do what they do in cartoons where they fling their clothes at the camera and reveal that they're wearing other clothes underneath, no matter how tight their previous outfit was."

"Good idea, Fish," the other praised.

"Thanks, Locke."

"...Oh, we can do that..." With a flourish, Sephiroth hurled his dress at Cloud, revealing his regular leather underneath. Cloud also did so, though with less dramatic flair.

"SEPHIROTH!" the choir went at it again as the two clashed once more.

* * *

Everyone else would've helped him. Key word here is _would've, _since the Mary Sues minus Belinda were stacking upwards. Upwards and upwards they went, until a flash of light temporarily washed out all surroundings. When the light cleared, the result was apparent: the Mary Sues had become a fifty foot tall monster that wannabe writers would probably consider perfect. Flowing violet hair and twinkling amethyst eyes were accompanied by a crimson cape and gold dress.

"What a wretched hive mind of scum and villainy," Obi-Wan commented with disgust, being quiet accustomed to the concept of powerful Mary Sues. After all, he _was _a fan fiction writer, remember?

Nemesis glanced around. "Has anyone seen Wolf?"

The others shook their heads. equally confused as to why the kid was nowhere to be found. Mara narrowed her eyes at the beast before them. "Well, balls," Mara moaned, rather irritated by just about everything.

"Team!" Anakin said, undaunted by the freak of nature that was stomping around on what was probably their sandwich stand for the contest snacks. "We've been called upon to do our duty! Who knows what time it is?"

"IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" The other Star Wars characters all shouted together. Simultaneously, each person pulled out devices such as cell phones or chunky watches. Pressing a button, they were all engulfed by white light.

And when the light cleared, they were all clad in spandex. Power Rangers: Jedi Force was on its first mission.

"Let's go!" Anakin ordered, dressed as the Red Ranger.

"You got it!" replied Luke as the Green Ranger.

"Why are we taking orders from Anakin?" queried Mara, the Yellow Ranger.

"Don't ask me," Obi-Wan muttered, feeling rather itchy because his Blue Ranger spandex was riding up his crotch.

"Are we going to fight or what?" Leia asked impatiently. She seemed agitated, but that was probably because she was stuck as the Pink Ranger.

"HUZZAH!" Anakin cried as he punched the Sue monster in the leg. The others followed, but unlike Anakin, they lacked the enthusiasm of a ten-year-old who had just gotten a Nerf sniper rifle for their birthday.

* * *

Wolf dived to the left as Beary Sue lurched forward, her pearly white ivories aiming to chomp down on Wolf's chewy forearm. "What's your problem, anyways?" she asked with the same irritation as a kindergarten teacher whose students had gotten finger-paint all over the expensive walls.

"Seeing how you're so imbecilic that everyone has to spell things out for you word for word, shall I speak to you of the reasons why I myself came here to this Earth and of my motives?"

Wolf paused momentarily, thinking it over. "No," she decided. "it'll just spoil the plot."

"Well I'm telling anyways, so shut up! Screw the plot, I have ME!" Wolf...did not respond to that one. "I came here to this dreadful planet to avenge the death of my sister-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, you told me." Wolf was beginning to get irked.

"The sister YOU killed!"

It took a second for this to sink in. "Well, okay, I can see how that would make - WHAAAA? I never killed any Mary Sues until this whole fiasco began!"

"Liar! What about my dear sister Mysteria Mystica Raven Angelina Amethyst Serenity Jasmine Rosaline Snapdragon, hmm?"

"...Crap," Wolf snapped her fingers in resignation. "I wasn't the one who killed her-"

"Yes you were! I saw it happen and I tracked you here!" Belinda protested.

"But you guys don't even have the same last name!"

Belinda giggled loftily. "Oh please! We dropped our pathetic last name out of righteous disgust!"

"Oh yeah? What was it, then?"

"...Smith."

Wolf smirked. "I suppose it's too _plain _for you."

"Silence, you FIEND!" She waved her hand and, out of the blue, a peculiar blade shaped like a key popped into existence. "Face the WRATH of my KEYBLADE of GLORIOUS ATONEMENT!"

But she just sent Beary Sue after Wolf instead. Wolf held out a calming hand. "Nice bear...I apologize for stealing your Coca-Cola. I understand that it's your main source of nourishment-" Beary Sue roared in fury. "CRUD!"

"And what do we have here?" a cold, mean voice snarled.

Wolf sighed in relief. "Mel! The Mary Sue thinks I'm a murderer!"

"You killed Mysteria Mystica Raven Angelina Amethyst Serenity Jasmine Rosaline Snapdragon!" Belinda said, justifying her attempt at murder.

"...Are you nuts?" Fuchsia growled.

"Why, are you going to play hero or something?" Belinda aimed her Keyblade at Fuchsia threateningly.

"I KILLED MYST, NOT WOLF! Give me what I deserve! I NEED TO BE CREDITED!"

"Lies!" Belinda hissed, waving her hand. A cloud of darkness surrounded them, blackening everything else until nothing was visible. "Face your impending DEATH!"

"Yippee skippy!" Wolf exclaimed, though it was difficult to tell if it was sarcasm or insanity in her voice. Probably a combination of both, since we all know Wolf is frickin' loopy. Fuchsia just rolled her eyes as the two of them stood back to back, drawing their lightsabers. "If we die, I just want to say I'm sorry for calling you names and repeatedly pointing out how much of a douche you are."

"Wolf..." Fuchsia stopped, unsure of what to say.

"Yeah?"

"...You're a retarded sap," she finally spat out.

"But I'm _your _retarded sap!" Friendship is weird, it seems. "And also - DUCK!"

Fuchsia ducked, and Wolf parried a sudden swipe from Belinda, who immediately teleported away, only to shoot a block of ice at Wolf's face. Mel deflected the shot with a neat Force shove, sending the ice hurtling back towards Belinda.

Wolf missed the days when the enemy was as retarded as she was.

* * *

Cloud hacked precisely at Sephiroth's head. Again. Cloud could swear they were following the same battle routine they'd developed over the years. _Hack, slash, hack, slash, slash, stab, slice, hack, hack, slash, stab, BIG EXPLOSION! _It probably didn't help that the wings were out _again, _and so they were flying _again_, no logic required! Logic never applies to video game characters, according to Wolf.

Sephiroth twirled in mid-air and sliced off a conveniently placed piece of the ceiling before sending it soaring towards Cloud, who sliced it in half. They danced like the crazed psychopaths they were, their swords nothing but blurs.

"I'm so glad to finally be killing you, Cloud," Sephiroth sneered. "Granted, it was fun screwing with your head, but all good things must come to an end. Do you know what I'll do once this planet is destroyed?"

"Your mother?" Cloud offered as an answer.

Sephiroth's answer was predictable. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT! Your sweater vest is no match for my sexy, skintight leather of DOOM!"

"For the love of-" And so the salsa dance of destiny began once again.

* * *

Alongside Power Rangers: Jedi Force, the TMNT and a few others fought valiantly, their attacks doing little damage. "THIS WORLD IS OURS TO DO WITH AS WE PLEASE!" it trilled with pleasure.

Mikey snorted at the hilarity of the situation. "Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, hide yo kids, hide yo' wife!" He dodge rolled to the side as the Sue stomped the ground he had previously occupied.

"Group huddle!" Anakin bossed his fellow Power Rangers around as they huddled around him. "Okay. Time for Plan B...Plan G...whatever we're on."

As Wolf summoned a fireball with her Materia, Fuchsia fired a blast of energy at Belinda. The creeper darted left, then right, then sent a punch straight into Fuchsia's gut. "MEL!" Wolf shrieked in anger. Cocking back her arm, she launched it forward with startling speed. "Rocket punch!"

Smoke billowed around them as Wolf's fist collided with Belinda's face. Wolf fist pumped in triumph...

Then she sighed as the smoke cleared and she saw Belinda, rubbing a red spot on her chin. At her feet, Fuchsia struggled to get up, but Belinda walloped her upside the head with the blunt part of her Keyblade. She aimed the weapon at Fuchsia's heart, preparing to do her own dirty work. "Farewell-"

"Falcon PUNCH!" Wolf's fiery fist slammed into Belinda as Wolf's Materia flared, initiating an enormous explosion. Screaming, Belinda shrieked, "I'LL BE BACK!" before she smacked into the monster Sue's face. An anonymous voice bellowed, "DOUBLE KILL!" over the madness.

Howling in agony, the monster Sue wiped away flaming pieces of debris, though Belinda was not among the flaming mess that was once a face. Howling, the Sue stumbled about, nearly squashing Nemesis, Eowyn, and Luna in the process. "I am not a cockroach!" Nemesis cried indignantly as she hacked with her lightsaber at the Sue's big toe.

* * *

Things weren't going much better for Cloud - though at least he wasn't having the worst time, since he definitely saw that one polar bear dragging Wolf by her pant leg around the room, with a horrified Jemima Jambalaya giving chase. Of course, Cloud didn't realize that it's bad to jinx yourself. Waving his hand, Sephiroth cried, "Perish, now!" as fire erupted all around them. The huge explosion sent Cloud flying right into the wall, and he collapsed twenty feet down to the ground.

Moments later, Cloud stood up and dusted himself off. "It's a good thing I'm Cloud Strife, or else that might've killed me."

Sephiroth fluttered elegantly to the ground and raised Masamune. With the seven foot katana right in his face, Cloud rolled left as Sephiroth cried, "Now, fall under my shiny metal implement of death!" Flicking Masamune forward, Sephiroth hurled a flaming ball of darkness at Cloud.

"Oh, shut up!" Cloud retaliated with a bolt of Thundara from his Materia. The two attacks merged, then imploded. When it cleared, Cloud was disappointed to see that Sephiroth vanished, leaving only a trail of feather behind. Cloud finally realized where the silver-haired sociopath was going - and he nearly freaked.

* * *

It wasn't every day you got to see Megazord duel against a fifty foot Mary Sue monster. Wolf, having beaten Beary Sue (whom was being used as a footstool), decided to sit back and watch the show. Eowyn, Mikey, Nemesis, Fuchsia, Waffle, Blaze, and pretty much everyone else was also watching, since they did not desire to be squished by the gigundo feet of the dueling...thingies. They could cheer from the sidelines.

Okay, so half of them were texting, but it's the thought that counts!

Megazord's lethal fist cocked back and delivered a right hook to the Sue's face, sending perfect, perfect bicuspids to the ground. "Run away!" cried the bystanders as the five feet tall teeth careened towards them.

They didn't expect to face Sephiroth's overlarge blade as well.

Masamune first cleaved into Snape's shoulder. The wizard hissed in shock before the flat part of the blade collided with his skull. At the same time, Sephiroth blocked a flurry of stabs from Yoda before spinning to parry the onslaught against him. "Succumb." With that single word, balls of darkness materialized into existence around the crowd, and, smiling, Sephiroth flung them at his various assaulters. Mace, Hermione, Legolas, and Qui-Gon took the brunt of it, but, fortunately for them, Waffle and Maul succeeded in blocking it.

Unrelenting, Sephiroth continued on even as the Sue above them fell to the ground and seized violently due to another Megazord blitz. His sword swung back and forth, with his long silver locks flying out behind him. Even with Leonardo, Raphael, and Aragorn against him, the freak just did not back down.

And his Latin choir and orchestra continued to play on.

"_Estuans interius _

_ira vehementi _

_Estuans interius _

_ira vehementi _

_Sephiroth!" _

Harry recognized another voice singing along. "BLAZE!"

The dark haired girl shrugged. "This song is cool!" She repeated, _"Estuans interius __ira vehementi-"_

"SEPHIROTH!" Cloud roared as First Tsurugi barreled into Sephiroth's side. The man's eyes bulged as he was knocked aside by his arch nemesis.

Time stopped around them. Everyone else was still as the two enemies raised their respective weapons, dangerous looks on their faces. "Sephiroth," Cloud said.

"Yes?" said Sephiroth, humoring him.

It took Cloud a moment to reply, "Screw off!" They flew at each other. Their swords clashed.

And Sephiroth teleported away, this time for real. Only a single black feather remained, which Waffle picked up and sniffed. "Will someone tell me _why _this smells like hair care products?"

"Sephiroth uses L'oreal," Wolf deadpanned. "Because _he's _worth it!"

* * *

"So you guys are the...Power Rangers, right?" Cloud asked, not really sure exactly what Power Rangers even were.

Luke nodded. "Yeah. Power Rangers: Jedi Force. We asked Mace to join, but he absolutely refused to be the Black Ranger."

The uninjured fighters had gone to Buffalo Wild Wings to savor their first glimpse of fresh air and freedom in over a month. Wolf, shooting Cloud, Anakin, and Luke a knowing look, ordered extra Blazin' sauce for the ignorant people in their party.

Wolf said, "So, uh, Cloud...what're you going to do now?"

Cloud shrugged. "Keep hunting Sephiroth...Those doors in the mansion...some of them are portals, right?"

"Affirmative!" Wolf liked where this was going.

"So I'll use the mansion as a base. Good place for keeping stuff."

"Great!" Wolf narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "You aren't staying jsut because you got addicted to coffee, right?"

Cloud was spared from answering as Han shrieked, "HOT!" and sprinted towards the bathroom, his eyes watering.

* * *

**Question: Shorter chapters or slower updates? I'm not sure which one to do...**

**Sephiroth is such a psychopath. Still, it's fun to write his fight scenes. And also, you'll be seeing more of Power Rangers: Jedi Force, just because I'm a nerd like that. BWUAHAHAHA!**

**It sure is a good thing I don't take this fic seriously, or else it would've gone down the toilet by now.**

**Chewbacca = Steven Tyler**

**Leia = Jennifer Lopez**

**Mace = Randy Jackson**

**Anakin = Ryan Seacrest **

**...Don't ask me why I thought of that.**


	40. Unstable Investigators

**To explain my year-long hiatus...I started to really hate this plot. However, I WILL be finishing this fic (or at least this chapter trilogy), though I will be removing Demitri since he doesn't fit into the new plot. Everyone else will be staying, and let's just pretend that some time passed, Monty Python-style.**

**Also, my personality has developed over the past year, so expect some characterization changes for all the author inserts.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Star Wars, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Princess Bride, Mortal Kombat, Transformers, The Wizard of Oz, Wicked, Spider-Man, Glee, Spongebob Squarepants, Call of Duty, **_**Ben and Jerry's, Lady Gaga, Wal-Mart, Subway, iPod, Goldfish, Twizzler, or any of the songs/music artists.**

* * *

**Chapter Forty: Unstable Investigators of a Golden-Haired Sort**

Sitting at a diner table within the mansion, Anakin twiddled his thumbs, Eowyn smiled as she sent a text, and Nemesis hummed along to a song she was listening to as they waited for Obi-Wan to return with their food.

"Uh...nice weather we're having," Anakin commented awkwardly to the two girls.

"Uh huh," Nemesis replied distractedly as she flipped through a playlist. Eowyn didn't even respond to Anakin, too absorbed by her text.

As Obi-Wan returned with four cheeseburger platters and a bottle of ketchup (thank goodness for Force levitation, or else the ketchup probably would've fallen, shattered on Anakin's head, and caused a serious brain injury mishap. But that's another story for another time), Eowyn stood up abruptly and began to rudely leave, dissing Obi-Wan's cooking (not that anyone minded after the Obi-Wan's Surprise incident).

"Wait, where are you going?" Obi-Wan questioned, more than slightly offended.

"Sorry, Obi-Wan," Eowyn responded. "I have to go. I'm meeting someone."

She stepped out of the dining room, but Anakin questioned her before she could go any further, "Wait! Who?"

"My boyfriend," she said nonchalantly as she left. Anakin's face collided with his ketchup-soaked fries as he fainted.

* * *

"Wolf! Wolf!" Anakin exclaimed in panic as he raced to the common room.

Behind him, Obi-Wan could be heard crying, "Anakin! What's the big deal?" But Anakin did not hear, since we all know the bonehead has selective hearing and only hears when it's either about girls, the Sith, chocolate chip ice cream, or Luke's boogers.

He busted down the door, forcing Aragorn and Ron to lose their focus and turn away from their chess game to look at him.

"Hey! Where's Wolf?!" Anakin asked desperately, on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Without looking up, Aragorn responded, "She's at karate. Then Cloud's picking her up so she can help him pick out a cappuccino maker and some other appliances-"

"Wolf's in karate?" Anakin interrupted Aragorn.

Ron gave him an incredulous look. "She's been in it for years, Anakin. She's used it in battles in front of you, for Merlin's sake! That's why she always points out the errors in the physics of Mortal Kombat-"

"Wolf plays Mortal Kombat?" Anakin's confusion increased greatly, forcing him to the edge of hyperventilation. No, not the edge of glory. Anakin doesn't dress in cold cuts and sing about Judas from the Bible.

"Do you know your friends at all?" Aragorn couldn't resist asking.

"Well, of course I do...uh...uh...err..."

"My name's Aragorn, Anakin," Aragorn (obviously) growled, irked by Anakin's frantic breathing and idiocy.

"Yeah, Aragorn! I know, Aragorn! We talk, Aragorn! We're buddies, Aragorn!" Anakin got on his hands and knees, his emotions getting the better of him.

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan exclaimed in relief as his found his friend. "What's going on-" he broke off as he realized his friend was a sobbing mess.

* * *

Wolf fastened the straps of her Optimus Prime motorcycle helmet. "You know, Cloud, you _really _need to get a helmet," she said to the other blond as he only tugged on a pair of biker goggles.

"Nah," Cloud replied as he gunned his bike forward. As they weaved in traffic, Cloud questioned, "So where are we going?"

"Wal-Mart," Wolf responded with a little pep in her voice. It was tinged by anxiety, however, as she added, "I sure do hope they don't recognize me."

Cloud snorted. "They thought you guys were just the actors from Harry Potter who came to sign DVD copies...Who does that, anyways?"

"No one! That's why Wal-Mart is actually great...you can get away with everything there. And they sell slushies...But that's beside the point."

Minutes later, they pulled into Wal-Mart, and Cloud snagged a grocery cart as they headed inside. Like always, Wolf laughed at the automatic doors, and Cloud was unable to understand the humor.

There wasn't any. Wolf just liked to mess with people.

"The appliances are on the right hand side of the store," Wolf said as she hopped in the air, propelling the cart she was pushing with her momentum. She stopped to rummage through her backpack, tossing a pair of unusual looking gauntlets, her gi, and a Stitch plushie into the cart (Cloud's eyes widened as he recognized the furry blue alien. It was a little known story that Stitch had once interrupted a duel between Cloud and Sephiroth, and they both would occasionally experience shudders whenever they recalled it) before finally yanking out a shopping list.

She shoved everything else back into the shopping cart before fellow shoppers could notice them, and then she consulted her list. "Alright, we're getting you a cappuccino maker, an iPod, and a laptop...We can go to Best Buy for the laptop, but we can get everything else here." They only stopped to buy slushies from the Subway up front before going forth on their quest to become Pokemon masters!

No, I'm just screwing with you. They were just shopping. Nothing special. Gosh, it's like you guys expect a _plot _or something!

They browsed through the electronics, Cloud attempting to decide on what color iPod he wanted and Wolf bugging him to get yellow to match his hair. Slurping her obnoxiously blue slushie, Wolf took a break from her teasing to glance at the other customers. Plenty of them looked about as downright ridiculous as her and Cloud...which was saying a lot.

One guy had an enormous tattoo of Snow White running down his left arm. Another guy had green skin, and was with some blond chick Wolf thought she recognized. Then there was a lady at the register with hair that resembled a bag of Skittles-

Wolf spat out her slushie in horror as she shouted, "Xizor!"

The Falleen's head snapped up, and Wolf barely managed to duck behind a DVD display. "Cloud, we have a problem!" she hissed. Then she cringed guiltily as she noticed that her slushie had exploded all over Cloud's face, the sticky blue fluid covering his eyes, bangs, and cheeks.

He blinked the blue raspberry goodness out of his eyes as he replied, "Obviously, you just sprayed slushie in my face."

"Be glad I don't have herpes, you'd be handling a lot worse than matted bangs, seeing how a large portion of that was my spit - I'm getting off topic!" She pulled him behind the display and they both poked their heads out. "You see that guy? The one with green skin? That's Prince Xizor. And the chick next to him is-"

"Eowyn" Cloud interrupted. "Yeah, I know her. What about her?"

She sighed, realizing that she'd have to explain the Star Wars EU to an ignorant human being. "Prince Xizor is a crime lord who has a..._thing _against the Skywalkers. He's tried to kill Luke and/or get back at Anakin who knows how many times now. Anakin's got a thing for Eowyn right now...this is creepy."

"So basically, Eowyn's dating a crime lord who's going to use her until she outlives her usefulness, then kill her to get back at Anakin?" Wolf nodded. Cloud glared at Eowyn. "Dumb broad."

They sat down, no longer concealing themselves behind the DVDs, for Eowyn and Xizor were out of sight. "We need to stop him," said Wolf, her hero complex activating.

Cloud nodded in agreement, thinking of other perverted crime lords who previously needed stopping. "Fine, but I'm not cross dressing this-"

"What are you two doing?" Cloud and Wolf froxe, then slowly turned their faces upwards to look at Eowyn and her wonderful, amazing boyfriend.

"Looking for contacts?" Wolf offered lamely.

Xizor cocked his head sideways, as if trying to recall where he had seen Wolf, while Eowyn narrowed her eyes knowingly. "Wolf, neither of you wear contacts."

"I know, it's Sauron's contact. Duh. Funny, you'd think the flaming eye would just burn it..."

Cloud gave Xizor the once-over. Xizor did the same. "Prince Xizor."

"Cloud Strife."

Eowyn looked at Xizor amazedly. "You know him?"

"Not personally," Xizor replied. He smiled. "But he's quite famous...I heard he even has a wing now..."

Cloud exhaled deeply, trying to control himself as him and Wolf stood up. He took a step away from Xizor. "That's none of your business."

"Eowyn..." Wolf's eyes were wide as she contemplated her next actions. She finally decided that being blunt was the best option as she simply said, "Dumb broad."

Cloud nodded in agreement.

Outraged, Eowyn shouted, "What the Force was that for?"

Wolf pointed an accusatory finger at Xizor. "You're on a date with a crime lord. What else would that be for?"

Xizor's eyes widened. "Crime lord? Please. Those days are behind me."

"Once a pervert, always a pervert," Cloud muttered sagely.

"Yeah, what he said," Wolf said, rubbing her imaginary beard. "Or rather, once a fish. Always. A. Fish."

Eowyn glared icy daggers of fury at them both. "I'm pretty sure I'm capable of looking after myself, thank you very much. And anyhow, why would I listen to either of you? No offense, Cloud, Wolf," she laced Wolf's name with her anger. "but you're mentally unstable, both of you! Cloud, you hear voices in your head, rant about the darkness in your heart and Sephiroth, occasionally get possessed, and impersonate dead people! And Wolf, you always convince people to participate in crazy schemes that never work out, you show masochistic and suicidal tendencies, you also hear voices in your head, and your personality rapidly changes without warning!" She gave a huff and crossed her arms.

Cloud clenched his fists, clearly irritated by Eowyn's insults. Wolf sighed and went into deep thought. Never a good thing. Eowyn had a point: Why listen to the mansion's two most demented occupants? She'd never believe them about Xizor. And another thing...someone was helping Xizor...someone who probably wanted to screw with the other occupants of the mansion. Right now, one particular face was coming to mind... "Forget it. Have fun, you crazy kids!" Wolf said. She practically had to drag Cloud by the ear to get him away from Xizor.

"We could've beaten him easily, Wolf!" Cloud snarled uncharacteristically, though it was justified if you knew that Cloud's previous experiences with crime lords involved his two closest female friends nearly getting said crime lord's lackeys forced on them. Oh yeah, and he had cross dressed, and he had been hit on by the crime lord himself. Cloud never wanted to be called "pussycat" again.

"I know, Cloud, but we have no proof! Eowyn has no idea about Xizor trying to kill Anakin and Luke...or if she does, then Xizor gave her a story on how he turned a new leaf. And who knows, maybe he did! ...Which is doubtful. It's not easy being green, which is why you see so many green villains. The Wicked Witch of the West, Xizor, the Green Goblin in _Ultimate Spider-Man, _The Green Giant...The point is, we're going to follow him. But first, I have to make a phone call."

* * *

Anakin was very put off when he noticed the kitchen had another occupant, one of much lower standing of him. "What are YOU doing here?" Anakin managed to choke out.

Palpatine glanced up at Anakin, temporarily averting his attention from his pint of Ben and Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio ice cream. However, he didn't even spit out a word before he burst into wails of anguish, tears spilling all over his Glee T-shirt and Spongebob pajama pants. "L-like you care, Skywalker!"

Anakin shuffled over to the fridge and pulled out his own pint (Cherry Garcia, his favorite), only to realize it was gone. He shot a pitiful glare at the corner where, unsurprisingly, Crimson Tyde was sulking with the stolen pint. However, she managed to snap out of her angst long enough to say, "Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, I stole your ice cream, and your angst is making you lose your youth."

Anakin gawked at the spike-clad Mary Sue for a long time. "That poem sucked."

Crimson Tyde sniffed. "Nonsense. I am perfect. And that makes me EVIL! Woe! O, woe is me! O, woe is me-"

"There she goes again," Palpatine groaned, bashing his head against the table. "All that one does is wangst! Honestly, I preferred the bimbo ones who only obsessed over men!"

Anakin took a seat at the table. "Tell me about it."

"Oh, thanks for listening, Skywalker, that's actually quite-"

"On second thought, _don't _tell me about it!" Anakin moaned with displeasure as he proceeded to facepalm. "The girl I've liked for months is dating some other guy, my friends are busy, my ice cream's been stolen, and I'm stuck in a kitchen with you and Tyde!"

Crimson Tyde flipped him the bird before going off on another tirade about her woes. Palpatine just gave him what was a Sith Lord's attempt at a comforting hand pat. To Anakin, it was just downright creepy. "At least all your bank accounts haven't been frozen. And at least you still have friends! Voldemort and Sauron aren't talking to me, they believe I'm too sane to be evil. And the Shredder was never taken by this place at all, so he still looks out for number one and number one only."

They looked at other and simultaneously thought and said the same thing.

"Life sucks."

* * *

Fuchsia had just been on an epic kill streak in the middle of a heavy session of Black Ops when her cell phone rang, getting her shot to a rated-M death. So, naturally, she was ticked off as she answered the phone with her usual, "What?" Granted, she was almost always ticked off, but...Hey, that's Darth Fuchsia.

_"MEL, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" _Wolf's raised voice blasted Fuchsia's eardrums, and she had to hold the phone a distance away from her ear to save her from deafness. _"FIRST YOU DECIDE TO 'EXPERIMENT' BY SWITCHING FROM PALPATINE TO THE SHREDDER AND VARIOUS OTHER VILLAINS, BUT NOW YOU HAD TO LET XIZOR GO? HOW COULD YOU?!"_

"Wolf, I-"

_"I'M NOT DONE YET! YOU SPENT ALL THAT TIME TRYING TO REGAIN MY TRUST AFTERWARDS JUST SO NOW YOU COULD GET INTO THAT TANK AND ALLOW CRIME LORD CASANOVA TO ESCAPE-"_

"Wolf, can I just say-"

_"LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NO-"_

_"Wolf, can I see the phone?" _the second voice was much quieter and less irate. Apparently Wolf had the speaker phone on.

Fuchsia could only surmise that Cloud broke Wolf out of her stupor, because Goldilocks responded with a nonchalant, _"Sure."_

_"Thanks," _There was a shuffling nose as Cloud took the phone for himself and spoke, _"Did you let Prince Xizor out of the fish tank?"_

"What the heck are you guys talking about?" she queried.

_"She's innocent," _Cloud murmured.

_"...Yep." _And the line went dead.

"Freaking nutjobs," Fuchsia muttered darkly as she started up her Xbox again.

* * *

Wolf ate another piece of dried pineapple as she pressed the binoculars tighter to her face, spying on the unlikely couple of Xizor and Eowyn. Xizowyn! Bleurgh, that sounded terrible.

Unfortunately, Wolf and Cloud only had one pair of binoculars between them, so they were switching off. "They're looking at their menus, Wolf," Cloud murmured to his fellow wannabe detective. "Pass the Goldfish."

"Good old fishy crackers," Wolf sighed contentedly as she passed said munchies. Then her expression darkened. "Speaking of fish, you don't think he'd poison Eowyn's drink, do you? Or put roofies in it?"

Cloud glanced up from the binoculars and blinked. "What are roofies?"

Wolf shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure what they are, but I know what they're used for, and it's definitely something the lizard would do...Or maybe he has iocane powder! She'll never know because he built up an immunity!"

Cloud shrugged and decided to remain quiet. He yanked out a Wal-Mart bag from a compartment on his Fenrir bike, going through it until he found what he was looking for. "Twizzler?" he queried, offering Wolf the bag.

Wolf narrowed her eyes, examining the contents. "What kind-"

"Pull and Peel. The rest of them suck." Wolf grinned as she nodded in one hundred percent agreement and snatched a couple Twizzlers of her own. He also handed her the binoculars. "Any ideas?"

Wolf shrugged. "If they order a whole roast pig, we could always bribe the chefs to replace it with a cadaver..." Upon seeing Cloud's horrified look, she raised her hands in surrender. "I'm kidding! Gosh, I can't believe you actually took me seriously!"

Cloud took back the binoculars, giving her a speculative look. "You're unpredictable. I wasn't sure what you'd actually do."

Wolf sighed in defeat. "Yeah, I guess I've been becoming that. You, you're pretty predictable. Kill Sephiroth, save girls from crime lords, be either a douche or awfully shy."

"I am not shy!" Cloud growled.

"Guess you're not," said Wolf before dropping the topic entirely, not wanting to argue for even a minute. When analyzing the situation, she realized it just wasn't worth it. "You know what we should do?"

"Hmm?" Cloud decided to humor her.

"We should just drop this and just drive! Just drive until we reach the ocean! And - and then we could set up shop there are get really, really fat! Sephiroth and Palpatine and everyone wouldn't bother with us if we got fat, we wouldn't be worth the effort!"

Cloud's eyes glazed over as he became lost in that dream. "We could build an ice cream shop...I like sea-salt ice cream..."

"And then," Wolf continued on her inspirational rant, loving this idea more and more with every word, despite losing her physical fitness being one of her worst fears, "we'll join the circus! Since you're a video game character, our act could be some kind of pun..."

Cloud was clamping back up again, but he added one last suggestion, "Final Fat-assy?"

"Yeah!"

Then it was silent again as they observed, until Xizor vanished from sight, heading presumably to the bathroom with his cell phone. Minutes later, he reappeared, and this time with a bottle of either wine or champagne.

"I think they're only having one glass each," Cloud muttered, jolting Wolf out of a tired daze. She had been nodding off before, but now she was interested.

"Like I said, I bet there's something in it this time. Let's see what the plot twist of the alcohol sequel is! Teenage Mutant Ninja Xizor II: The Secret of the Booze...I need to stop the obscure pop culture references..." She leaned forwards, waiting for Cloud to say something else.

She began to fall asleep again, but then Cloud's cry of, "I don't believe it!" caused her to fall of her perch on his bike and faceplant in the dirt.

"What? Did he put poison in her drink?" Alarm raged through Wolf, and she yanked out her backpack to grab those gauntlets of hers.

"No, he didn't pay the tip! Cheap douche bag. There's a night club next door, I think they're heading there." Wolf nodded at this, but left her gauntlets on.

Cloud handed Wolf the binoculars and ducked down by the back of his bike, popping back up moments later with Wolf's backpack. "Here."

"Thanks," Wolf said with a grin as she returned the binoculars to Cloud. She pulled out her iPod and a pair of sky blue speakers. "If they're just going to hide in a night club, far away from windows, might as well listen to some music..." She flipped through her tunes, happily humming some instrumental piece to herself as she did so.

Then _it _appeared on her playlist, _it _only being one of the greatest songs of all time. Cloud shot her an incredulous look as he queried, "Did you know this is my favorite song?"

Wolf failed to respond, totally immersed in the glorious melody. _"Is this the real life?" _she serenaded.

_"Is this just fantasy?" _Cloud continued.

_"Caught in a laaaaaandslide, no escape from reality..."_

* * *

Eowyn giggled as Xizor piped up with yet another witty comment. With one arm coiled around her shoulder, the Faleen was guiding his pretty date out of the establishment to return to the car. "This is a wonderful night, isn't it?" he said, the street lamps illuminating her stunning features.

Eowyn smiled up at him. "Oh, yes, definitely one of the best I've had since..." Pausing, she frowned and glanced around, scanning the lot. "Do you hear something?"

Only a little bit concerned, Xizor also listened... "I think it's coming from behind those bushes."

They crept closer and closer, Eowyn sincerely wishing she had her beloved sword on hand. Finally, they were able to make out words.

_"I see a little silhouetto of a man-"_

_"SCARAMOUCHE! SCARAMOUCHE! CAN YOU DO THE FANDANGO!?"_

She KNEW those voices. What the heck were they doing here?

Xizor appeared to recognize at least one voice as well. Eowyn briefly pondered why that would be, but she dismissed that train of thought.

_"THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING, REALLY REALLY FRIGHTENING ME!"_

Xizor spread the bus branches apart, revealing the two blonds hidden, leaning against a bulky black motorcycle and singing without a care in the world. Once they realized they had an audience, Cloud flushed a deep shade of pink and Wolf bit her lip so hard that little droplets of blood oozed out. "Oh, hi there..."

"WHY WERE YOU TWO SPYING ON ME?!" the shieldmaiden roared in fury. Beside her, Xizor winced but made no comment.

Wolf immediately leaped to the point of things. "Your date's a criminal manwhore!"

Cloud shrugged. "I was bored, and he sounded like another douche I once knew-"

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE!" said Eowyn, clenching her fist and punching Cloud in the gut.

He doubled over and grunted in agony. "And your punch reminds me of a girl I know, too..."

She swiveled to deck Wolf as well, but the other girl raised an arm to intercept the blow. Eowyn winced as her arm collided with Wolf's metal prosthetic. "Hey, I'm just saying, he's a lethal assassin who tried to kill Luke."

"You're lying!" Realizing that arguing with the stubborn Wolf would be futile, Eowyn huffed and picked up her purse. "Come on, Xizor, let's leave these two." She stalked off into the bushes.

Xizor, however, did not leave immediately. "Stay out of this. I'm warning you two."

Wolf curled her lip, eyes narrowed in anger. "We're onto you. You're plotting something..."

Xizor raised an eyebrow. "You don't say? Well, gotta run. See you later, Chocobo Head, pipsqueak!"

He darted off after his date before Wolf could even respond, though everyone within a three point two mile radius could hear Wolf's indignant roar of, "WHO'RE YOU CALLING A PIPSQUEAK!"

On the ground, Cloud continued to roll in agony. "Galileo...I think I have some internal bleeding."

* * *

**I just wanted to get this out here so I'd be forced to continue, pressured by you guys...The only OC's who will be in the remainder of this story are myself, Nemesis, Melinda, Myst, Crimson Tyde, and maybe Blaze if she's interested. **

**The plot is planned!**


End file.
